I was in a similar situation this last summer.  Finding the
right dentist made all the difference in my experience in
the chair, and getting the work done has made an
EXTRAORDINARY difference in my quality of life.  I never
would have guessed how much better things are with the
discomfort gone, the self-consciousness gone, the ability to
eat vastly improved, and so on.  And having the work itself
done was nothing like the old days.  Really, I was scared
sh*tless for years beforehand, but it was great.

I normally avoid drugs, medication, and so on, but let me
put in a plug for sedation dentistry.  You won't remember a
thing afterward, and the dentist can get a lot more done in
one session.

I guess a little more history would help you if you're willing to help me
overcome my fear.

When I was 11, we had a nice dentist.  This was back in the day when there
weren't painless shots.  The first dentist would baby me along and rub
some gel on my gums before he gave me a shot.  It really is all about
understanding with me.  One day, I was sitting in the chair waiting for my
regular dentist when a total stranger walked in to tell me he was the new
dentist.  The old one had retired.  So he just started coming at me with
the needle.  I cried and said no.  I wouldn't let him give me the shot.
He started drilling on my tooth without the shot.  I, of course, was
screaming in pain.  He stopped what he was doing, slapped my face, and
then gave me the shot.  I was only 11, for God's sake.  I didn't know what
to do.  It was horrifying.  It only made everything worse.  I have had
good, kind dentists after that.  But they always seem to retire and leave
me.  Who me, paranoid?  Nah!

Anyway, I've told all my horror stories to this new dentist so he would
know exactly what causes my fear.  He said that they told them in dental
school that it was all right to hold your hand over a child's mouth and
pinch his/her nose shut if they cried.  He said he just wouldn't do some
of the things they said to do.  I know that he will be patient and careful
with me.  But the fear is so strong.

I'm starting to get scared now.  I even cried when I read your kind and
compassionate answer to me.  I know I'll cry before they even touch me
tomorrow.  If you've ever had a patient as scared as I am, how long did it
take them to come to trust you?

Eva, freaking out now

Thank you.  I do think I've chosen the right dentist this time.  I am just
so scared of what he'll say when he does this full exam.  I have neglected
going to the dentist for so long because of my fear.  I do know that the
dentist who screamed at me was going through a divorce.  But I also
believe that people should leave their problems at home and not bring them
to work.  The new dentist has apologized for his colleague's behavior.
I'm not so much afraid of having the tooth pulled as I am of starting a
new relationship and gaining some trust with this new dentist.  I know
that he almost cried himself when my niece cried as he filled a cavity for
her.  I just don't understand why some dentists can't take the time to
talk to a person first before just jumping in there.  All I need is a
little patience and understanding.

I know I have lots of little cavities.  Do you think it's reasonable for
me to expect this dentist to fill more than one at a time if they are
close together?  This could save me the anxiety I feel at even the thought
of going into that office and smelling the dentist smells.  My pain
threshhold is high -- but the last dentist said I was a baby.  I can take
the pain part -- it's the not knowing what comes next that scares me so
much.  Gosh, I don't know what I really expect you to be able to do for
me.  I guess I just need reassurance.  Thanks for answering me.

Eva

    You are not unusual.  I am glad to hear you have found a dentist who
may not only be normal, but may have a significant compassion level.
    Just as there are many patients like you, there are many good dentists
out there.  Unfortunately, it is not necessary to demonstrate one's
continued emotional stability periodically in order to maintain one's
license in most jurisdictions.  Or (trying to be extra empathetic
myself) maybe Dr. Mengele just had a particularly rough morning when he
dressed you down.  Either way, it's unacceptable, and you are IMO fully
justified based on this one incident to find another dentist.

Steve

I am new here.  I was browsing to see if there were any posts about fear
of dentists.  I didn't see any.  I've had some very bad experiences with
dentists who do not understand my fears.

I went to one who I was just beginning to trust a little bit when he
screamed at me because I came in after having a tooth extracted and
complained of pain that was lasting way too long.  It was a dry socket,
and I just showed up on a Monday morning because I was still in pain after
having the tooth removed the Thursday before.  He said to me, "You came in
here as if it were some kind of emergency or something.  What do you want
me to do, torture you by packing it?"  Of course, my tearful reply was
"no."  He proceeded to stick his poky thing right down into the dry socket
hole.  I put my hand up on my chin and started to cry.  He just kept
yelling at me about how I gave him such a hard time every time I came to
see him.  I think this was abusive.  I certainly didn't go back.  All he
did was reinforce my fear.

I am now trying a new dentist, one who my niece has seen since she was
just a wee little girl.  He is very kind, understanding, and gentle.  My
teeth are bad because of my fear keeping me from preventive treatments.

I have an appointment with him tomorrow morning to have a broken tooth
extracted.  I am scared sh*tless, but I have also agreed to having all my
teeth X-rayed and having a full exam -- after which he says we'll draw up
a plan for the many little cavities I have.  I told him last time that I
almost felt like I'd rather just have them all pulled out rather than face
the fear.

I have two conditions, besides the fear, that complicate matters.  When I
had my wisdom teeth removed, the oral surgeon damaged a nerve in the lower
left quandrant.  This left me with parasthesia (sp) there.  I have gotten
used to it, but it sends little electrical shock feelings through that
area when the dentist numbs me.  I also have Meniere's Disease, an
imbalance of water in my inner ear that makes the sound of the drill go
right through my head and cause pain in my ears.

I think this new dentist understands all of these things.  We sat and
talked -- he actually listens to me -- about all my fears and problems.

Do most dentists really not understand that there of those of us who are
scared to death of them?  Am I that unusual?  Help!

Eva