I'm sitting at home, pissed off because arthur is giving me trouble and
my wife is out with the dog.
The following came in a newsletter from the local Mac User group, and I
thought it funny.  So I'll share.

"Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note,
placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does *not*
stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find it
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me does *not*
help -- I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. However, do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch
to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball
when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is *not* a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door
shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the
knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door
open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --
canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other
dog or cat's butt. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following
message on our front door:

To All  Non-Pet Owners Who Visit
and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
 1. They live here.  You don't.
 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the  
furniture.
     (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
 4. To you, it's an animal.  To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
     who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't't speak  
clearly.

Remember...
Dogs and Cats are better than kids because they:
 1. Eat less
 2. Don't ask for money all the time
 3  Are easier to train
 4. Normally come when called
 5. Never ask to drive the car
 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
 7. Don't smoke or drink
 8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
 9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college,
       and...

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

Peter.