Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down
at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you
that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Chirac
replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right
now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me
Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the

entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back. Sure enough, the
next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have
managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000

tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my

army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."Sure
enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still
on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have

modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in
the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as
well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air

missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to
200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change
of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of
Guinness and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French
prisoners."

________________________
Whatever it takes.