As humanity moves into the dawn of a new and uncertain future, we look
back upon our collective past. In the annals of history, many have
achieved greatness, yet one individual towers above all others as the
most significant single force of the last thousand years. Whether in
war or peace, feast or famine, prosperity or economic ruin, the Man Of
The Millennium has touched all our lives. No one has had a greater,
more permanent impact on our shared human condition.

More than anyone else the passing age has truly belonged to the
black-cloaked figure who has been everpresent in our species' most
horrific and agonized nightmares, the shrieking, unstoppable wraith
known as Death Himself.

Death: master of humanity and ultimate reaper of us all.

While other fads and fancies came and went this millennium, Death was
always with us. Over the course of the past 10 centuries, his merciless
grip on our fragile mortal shells remained constant, and his impact on
our world only grew. While such would-be Men Of The Millennium as
Genghis Khan, Napoleon and Hitler all rose only to ultimately fall,
Death's fortunes never ebbed. He is everywhere and in every thing. And,
in the end, it is his name who is on everyone's lips. He is the true
mover and shaker, the ultimate trend. Whatever advances are made in
health and medicine, he will never be in danger of going out of style.

When the Saxons battled the Normans at Hastings in 1066, he was there,
triumphantly laughing amidst the blood and gore. When nearly half the
population of Europe fell to the bubonic plague in 1350, he was
responsible. When the vaunted Spanish Armada sank beneath the
unforgiving waves in 1588, it was his bony hand that reached up to pull
the screaming sailors to their briny, sea-bottom graves. From the
Battle of Agincourt to the mustard-gas attacks along the trenches of
World War I, he pulled the strings. And when the secrets of the atom
were unleashed upon Hiroshima, it was he who permanently etched the
shadows of the ruined city's schoolchildren on its blasted walls.

Death is ruler of all that is, conquering all and beholden to none.
Never has there lived a single stalk of grass, beast of land, air or
sea, or baby at its mother's tender breast that has escaped him. He is
the single driving constant that motivates our actions and shapes our
fears and dreams before spurring us on into eternal oblivion. We writhe
helplessly in his cold embrace, all of us-loved and hated, rich and
poor, small and great alike. No one is too mighty for him to topple,
and nothing is too insignificant to go unnoticed by his unceasing and
relentless gaze. Behold Death: destroyer of kings, conqueror of the
mighty, despoiler of all that is.

Behold his awesome power and cry out in shame and terror!

Enlarge ImageMan Of The Millenium: Death jump

Death (far left) watches as WWI German soldiers wade through mounds of
fallen French infantrymen to make sure none are still alive.

Each year, The Onion chooses one influential person to honor above all
others. Past winners have included such individuals of consequence as
John Ritter, The Denorex Guy and The Man. This tradition of excellence
has continued uninterrupted for thousands of years, with the sole
exception of 1998, the only year when no candidate could be found who
met The Onion's lofty standards. Yet this year, the honor was even more
important, for it marked not just the selection of a man of the year,
but of the entire millennium. It may seem that no one could possibly be
worthy of such a title.

Yet there is such a figure: Death, who, time and time again, proved his
incomparable significance, not only for this past millennium, but for
all millennia. And he will continue to do so until the end of time
itself. Thus, The Onion's choice for Man Of The Millennium was clear.
His name is known to every soul:

Death!

The cold, black, silent, eternal nothingness of nonexistence!

The inevitable, inescapable, unyielding embrace of the tomb!

The final, insistent beckoning arms of the grave!

Death!

Who can say they have not unleashed a shriek of unholy terror in the
dead of night at the very contemplation of his omnipresent shroud? Who
dares pretend they are immune to the ultimate fate that awaits each of
us? What fool defies him? All shall succumb! All shall perish in the
cold, uncaring, skeletal arms of He Who Shall Not Be Denied! Everywhere
on the planet, in every moment of this sad and fleeting life, can be
heard the relentless pounding of his scythe upon the ground as he
walks, echoing from mountain to seabed, sounding: "DOOM! DOOM! DOOM!"

What use is there in trying to resist him? What use is there in
pretending to refuse his unending omnipotence? He has reigned supreme
over all creation, bowing to none, however powerful, however proud, for
the last thousand years and forevermore!

Everyone who has ever lived since the dawn of time-wealthy or
downtrodden, foolish or wise, innocent or guilty-they all are equal
now in his terrible faceless sight!

DEATH!

Proof that we can go to heaven if we work hard and are good:
 http://tinyurl.com/fh7v9