House-isms
http://wwww.fox.com/house

Adding to his unique bedside manner, Dr. Gregory House sometimes makes
comments that leave his patients and fellow doctors shaking their
heads. Here's an ongoing list of Dr. House's most memorable quips:

"Have you ever seen an infected pierced scrotum?"
- Heavy

Wilson -
"The ultrasound and biopsy confirmed our worry.
The tumor's extremely large. At least thirty pounds."
House -
"It's actually a personal record for this clinic."
- Heavy

Mrs. Hernandez -
"I'll have a huge scar. I won't be able to wear a bikini."
House -
"You wear a bikini now?"
Mrs. Hernandez -
"Yeah, you have a problem with that?"
House -
"No, but I've never gone swimming with you."
- Heavy

House to Cuddy -
"Jail. You'd like that. No more naughty schoolgirl.
Conjugal visit -- that's her new fantasy."
- Mob Rules

Bill -
"His names's Joey. He's my only brother."
House -
"He's important to you. Got it.
No placebos for him. We"ll use the real medicine."
- Mob Rules

"He's a 30-year old mobster. He doesn't have a job that results in
accidental exposure to toxins. He has a job that results in
intentional exposure to toxins. Someone's poisoned him."
- Mob Rules

Chase -
"You can trust me."
House -
"The problem is, if I can't trust you, I can's trust your statement
that I can trust you. But thanks, you've been a big help."
- Mob Rules

"Your brother has Ornithine Transcarbamylase Deficiency.
You want me to write that down? Good, because it takes awhile."
- Mob Rules

"She's the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Had three assistants and fifteen
VPs check out who should be treating her. Who the man? I the man.
I always suspected."
- Control

Cuddy -
"I need you to wear your lab coat."
House -
"I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than
you. Like half your age."
- Control

Wilson -
"And a very bad omen for you. There's not much money in
curing African sleeping sickness."
House -
"No, I have seen every scary movie ever made. Six-year old twins in
front of an elevator of blood, boys choirs, those are bad omens.
This is much more mundane -- a billionaire who wants to get laid."
- Control

Wilson -
"She was uncomfortable doing any more tests.
I had to convince her just to do that one."
House -
"You get that often? Women who'd rather die that get naked with you?"
- Control

House -
"Haven't done that MUGA."
Wilson -
"Then how do you know she needs a heart transplant?"
House -
"Got my aura read today.
Said someone close to me had a broken heart."
- Control

Cuddy -
"Twelve year old male, spiking fever, congested chest, coughing up
green sputum, shortness of breath, pain in breathing...
House -
"Baffling. Though I vaguely recall a disease called
moonomia...noo-mania...?"
- Cursed

"A secret club. What's the secret, they're all morons?"
- Cursed

Chase -
"How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?"
House -
"I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life."
- Cursed

Cameron -
"If it's cancer, he can't pitch again. If this was a regular guy who
broke his arm lifting a box you'd pack him up and send him home."
House -
"My God, you're right. I lost my head. All life is equally sacred.
And I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in,
we're on it like stink on cheese."
- Sports Medicine

"Foreman, how are you fixed for cash? Steal any cars lately?"
- Sports Medicine

Lola -
"Even if real human contact is something you don't have, or even want,
or need, you should at least be able to see it in other people."
House -
"Right. Ture love. That's just how we match organs these days.
There's a couple in France, high school sweethearts, they're trading
brains."
- Sports Medicine

"Let me talk to shipping. I speak their language. Foul."
- Detox

Cuddy -
"You know, there are other ways to manage pain."
House -
"Like what? Laughter? Meditation?
You got a guy that can fix my third chakra?"
- Detox

"You always trust me. It's a big  mistake."
- Detox

House to Foreman:
"Go check out the 'hood, dog."
- Histories

Foreman -
"A tuberculoma doesn't give you a temperature of 105."
Chase -
"Then it's a tuberculoma and something else."
Wilson -
"The 'something else' is going to melt her brain."
House -
"Poach. Better metaphor."
- Histories

Foreman -
"You assaulted that man!"
House -
"Fine. I'll never do it again."
Foreman -
"Yes you will."
House -
"All the more reason this debate is pointless."
- DNR

House -
"That paralysis thing. Guy can't walk for two years,
nobody knows why. It seems mildly interesting."
Cuddy -
"Forget his paralysis."
House -
"Tell that to the rest of his bowling team."
- DNR

"Like I always say, there's no 'I' in team.
There's a 'me,' though, if you jumble it up."
- DNR

"I'm extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting new designer
drugs, you come back with tomato sauce."
- Poison

Dr. House -
"I assume 'minimal at best' is your stiff upper lip
British way of saying 'no chance in hell.'"
Chase -
"Actually, I'm Australian."
Dr. House -
"You put the Queen on your money, you're British."
- Poison

Patient's mother -
"Who are you?"
Dr. House -
"I'm the doctor who's trying to save your son. You're the mom who's
letting him die. Clarification. It's a beautiful thing."
- Poison

Dr. House -
"Mr. Adams, would you step outside for a moment?"
Adams -
"Why?"
Dr. House -
"Because you irritate me."
- Poison

"Candy canes? Are you trying to mock me?"
- Damned If You Do

"Don't worry. Many women learn to live with this parasite.
My own mother, for example. Forty-five years and she only complains
about it now from time to time."
- Maternity

Dr. House -
"How are we doing on cotton swabs today? If there's a critical
shortage, I could run home."
Dr. Cuddy -
"No you couldn't."
Dr. House -
"Nice."
- Occam's Razor

"Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows? Could be anything."
- Occam's Razor

Dr. House -
"Unfortunately, you have a deper problem.
Your wife is having an affair."
Patient -
"What?!"
Dr. House -
"You're orange, you moron. And it's one thing for you not to notice,
but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her hasband has
changed colors, she's just not paying attention."
- Pilot

"Treating illness is why we became doctors.
Treating patients is actually what makes most doctors miserable."
- Pilot
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