I'm just gonna vent and spill out my feelings for a bit .. hope you don't
mind ...

I sit here feeling terrible ... as expected I'm sure.  I know it seems that
when a bad thing stops, it's suppose to be good ... but not so ... at least
not right away.  How could I make him leave his home?  The only place he
knew?  His office sits there with his computer, his papers ... books ..
software .. he SO wanted to learn Dreamweaver ... I sit here crying as I
type ... cause I'm not so sure I wasn't the one who made this go bad.

I know .. you will say I'm blaming myself ... and letting him get to me ...
but no .. not really .. I guess I'm really trying to be  honest with myself.
I wasn't the perfect wife by no means ... I mean... I know the REASON I
yelled at him ... and bitched ... was because he hurt me .. and wasn't there
for me.. but he wasn't there for me the way "I" wanted him to be ... the way
I needed.   Was that HIS fault?  Or was it just that he wasn't the man I
needed .. and never could be ... and all my yellling and bitching ... and
calling him names .. and yes I admit .. I did call him so pretty bad
things... did any of that help?  No!  All it did was push him further from
me ... and hurt him inside.  I guess I wish he were feeling these things too
... it would make it easier on me .. that he's hurting too .. that he's
sorry HE hurt ME too ...

He did so many things for me ... while married ... and before he left .. he
set me up with my own business in the beginning .. not pushing me to work
... and just work on my business ... I did that for many years .. and did
bring in some income .. but I would quit one idea and go to the next .. so
my business never really took off good ... nor did I ever make allot of
money from it.  He worked hard .. all the time ... and he never gave me a
problem about working.  ok .. a few times he would say maybe I should go to
work ... and to tell the truth, back before I got sick ... I just hated
working!  I would find excuses ... and he would accept them.

Now .. I truly am sick ... and it's hard to imagine myself working full time
... I'm almost positive I can't.  I'm not sure about part time ... I do know
that I'm painting ... and selling the paintings a little on ebay.  I just
made a few cloth dolls and sold a them on ebay also.  I have an idea I'm
working on with a few other women ... with dolls .. and it might go over
well and bring in some income ... and I've thought of having home shows with
dolls that other folks make ... and I resell .. but I'm not sure I have the
energy for that either.  I'd really love to work on my paintings ... and
sell them more often.

I may HAVE to go to work part time.... but it scares me so!

He did so many things he didn't have to do .. before he left .... he gave me
his BIG monitor .. his new mouse, and ALL his memory ... so I could have a
nice computer system to work with.  He also gave me the printer.  He took
out the mattress he had been sleeping on this morning before going to work
... and he put his clothes in a plastic garbage bag.    :-(

It hurt me so much to see him have to give up everything!  I had a short
talk with him before he left ... and told him that I've tried to do this as
nice as I can ... and that he knew we had to separate, that he wanted it too
... and there was no easy way of doing it.  I told him I was so sorry that
he had no money or place to stay ... but I was scared for myself too ...
what I'm going to do ... where I'm getting the money to live. He acted upset
.. and hurt ... more upset .. annoyed .. angry .. and that made me feel
worse.

I just don't know ... I'm so confused!  I'm SO scared that he'll be in
another woman's arms soon ... he's in the pitcrew for his newphews racing
team ... and at the track there are so many opportunities.  I still do love
him .. and yet I know he hurt me ... and I know he wasn't good for me in
many ways ... yet I hurt him too, and I wasn't good for him.
  I hate this!!  I know .. time .. time .. time .. but what if I made a
mistake? ??????

I'm done now .... anybody?
Dee