A few questions.

Thread view:

Enable EMail Alerts

Start New Thread

Thread rating:

milagros-lagrimas@excite.com - 09 Dec 2004 08:36 GMT

Hello everyone. I just wanted some general advice, since I'm kinda
alone in dealing with this.

I'm 25 year old female, was diagnosed with genital HSV in March.
Although they didn't blood type me, the last person I had been with had
oral HSV-1 (unbeknowst to me, of course) and got a cold sore on his
mouth two days after we'd been together...and a few days later, I had
cold sores down there. I relayed this to my doctor and she seemed to
agree that this was most likely the cause of my outbreak. I'm assuming
I have HSV-1 genitally.

I am taking 500 mg of Valtrex daily, in addition to my vitamins, and I
haven't had any outbreaks since. However, my main problem is how to
live life with this. I have had sex since then, and please don't yell
at me, but I haven't told any of them. Always using condoms, but that
was never my problem, since I always use condoms anyway (although I
know condoms + Valtrex aren't 100% either). To my knowledge, none of
them have contracted the virus, and I am doing everything I can to
prevent anyone from contracting this from me...everything except
telling them, that is.

I recently had sex with my ex-boyfriend. I don't know if there's a
shot for us to get back together, but regardless, he is one of my best
friends and I would kinda like to get back with him one day. I did not
tell him. I contracted HSV after him, way after. I had a breakdown
shortly after having sex with him and I couldn't tell him, I was afraid
I would change in his eyes. But he and I are very, very good friends,
and I feel horrible not telling him. But now I don't know HOW to tell
him.

My general questions are: how do I go about telling someone that means
so much to me AFTER I've already slept with them? And does anyone here
have HSV-1 genitally? Can you tell me how you've lived your life
since, in terms of sex, telling (since HSV-1 is different from HSV-2),
oral sex, etc.? Yes, Angela, I've read your website, but I would
really like to hear from people with HSV-1, and people around my age.
It'd help. It doesn't seem like ANYONE my age has this. What are the
stats on shedding, transmission, etc.? Can I still have babies one
day? Is it a definite that someone will eventually catch it from me,
especially if my husband is trying to get me pregnant (I'm not married
or engaged, just asking for the future)? Does anyone read this board
who doesn't have it and has had sex with someone with HSV and hasn't
gotten it?

I just need general advice. I know this post was about my ex, but
mainly, I just want to know how to live the right way and still live
happily, 'cause I haven't been very happy since being diagnosed at all.

Reply to this Message

Angela S. - 09 Dec 2004 15:03 GMT

> Hello everyone. I just wanted some general advice, since I'm kinda
> alone in dealing with this.
[quoted text clipped - 6 lines]
> agree that this was most likely the cause of my outbreak. I'm assuming
> I have HSV-1 genitally.

You say you were diagnosed with Herpes Simplex Virus in March. How were you
tested and was it a type specific test?

> I am taking 500 mg of Valtrex daily, in addition to my vitamins, and I
> haven't had any outbreaks since. However, my main problem is how to
> live life with this. I have had sex since then, and please don't yell
> at me, but I haven't told any of them.

You already know what you are doing is wrong so I'm not going to yell at
you.

> Always using condoms, but that
> was never my problem, since I always use condoms anyway (although I
> know condoms + Valtrex aren't 100% either). To my knowledge, none of
> them have contracted the virus, and I am doing everything I can to
> prevent anyone from contracting this from me...everything except
> telling them, that is.

You need to tell them that you have herpes simplex virus. How would you feel
if somebody knew for a fact that they had (lets say) HIV and didn't tell you
before they had sex with you? Wouldn't you be upset and angry? Wouldn't
there be trust issues in the relationship? I'm not yelling at you.. just
giving you something to think about that you most definately need to change.

> I recently had sex with my ex-boyfriend. I don't know if there's a
> shot for us to get back together, but regardless, he is one of my best
[quoted text clipped - 4 lines]
> and I feel horrible not telling him. But now I don't know HOW to tell
> him.

If you are such good friends then why didn't you tell him?

> My general questions are: how do I go about telling someone that means
> so much to me AFTER I've already slept with them?

The same way that you should be telling a sexual partner that you have
herpes simplex virus *before* you have sex with them.

If you are interested there is an entire telling section here:
http://www.yoshi2me.com/herpes-hpv-links.html

> And does anyone here
> have HSV-1 genitally?

There are many people out there that have HSV-1 genitally. As for whether or
not they are a regular poster here on alt.support.herpes is unknown to me.

> Can you tell me how you've lived your life
> since, in terms of sex, telling (since HSV-1 is different from HSV-2),
> oral sex, etc.?

I've already shared my story here:
http://www.yoshi2me.com/herpes-biography.html

and here:
http://www.yoshi2me.com/herpes-telling.html

>Yes, Angela, I've read your website, but I would
> really like to hear from people with HSV-1, and people around my age.

I respond to all the posts for the benefit of all the people that are
reading the posts.
So.. you need to take what advice you want and leave the rest. In the
meantime I will continue to respond to posts with the idea that somebody
other than you might benefit from the information.

> It'd help. It doesn't seem like ANYONE my age has this. What are the
> stats on shedding, transmission, etc.?
[quoted text clipped - 4 lines]
> who doesn't have it and has had sex with someone with HSV and hasn't
> gotten it?

You need to read the Updated Herpes Handbook over on
www.westoverheights.com. That handbook will answer all of your questions AND
you will learn a thing or two about how this virus works.

> I just need general advice. I know this post was about my ex, but
> mainly, I just want to know how to live the right way and still live
> happily, 'cause I haven't been very happy since being diagnosed at all.

Well.. if you want to be happy then you need to do some reading, learn
everything you can about this virus and stop making the same mistakes over
and over.

Just my two cents for the benefit of others that read this public forum..

Merry CHRISTmas,

Angela :-)

Signature

STD Message Board:
http://www.yoshi2me.com/ipw-web/bulletin/bb/index.php

Picking Up the Pieces:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/PickingUpThePieces/

Reply to this Message

M.L.S. - 09 Dec 2004 15:31 GMT

>Hello everyone. I just wanted some general advice, since I'm kinda
>alone in dealing with this.

Hello and welcome. You are not alone.

<snip>

>My general questions are: how do I go about telling someone that means
>so much to me AFTER I've already slept with them?

I don't know about you, but to my way of thinking, the anquish you
feel after not telling someone is worse than the anquish you feel
leading up to telling them. And while you have all those
pre-telling jitters about how the person you're telling will react,
the possibilities of reaction are much worse if they find out
afterwards.

And despite all the fears about telling, by almost all accounts on
this group over the years, almost everyone is surprised at how well
the other person takes it. For instance, I've told lots of people,
and have never had a negative reaction. Women still want to sleep
with me. Go figure.

I'm no expert in "how" to tell, but the big hurdle would seem to me
to be in just deciding "to" tell. Make up your mind to do it, and
then do it. It's not easy, believe me I know, but you do feel much
better afterwards, partly for doing what's right, but also because
you've relieved yourself of that big psychological burden of
carrying around a secret from someone you really like.

>And does anyone here have HSV-1 genitally?

Arlyn did, but she's been out of group range for a couple months.
She was married for a decade or more and never seemed to transfer
the virus to her husband, though, of course, she did tell him about
it.

>Can you tell me how you've lived your life
>since, in terms of sex, telling (since HSV-1 is different from HSV-2),
>oral sex, etc.?

You need to tell whether you have HSV1 or HSV2. Ethically, you need
to recognize your partner's right to assess their own risks. It is
not your place to assess the risks *for them*.

>Yes, Angela, I've read your website, but I would
>really like to hear from people with HSV-1, and people around my age.
>It'd help. It doesn't seem like ANYONE my age has this. What are the
>stats on shedding, transmission, etc.?

Shedding can occur anywhere from 3% of days in the year on up.
You'll shed more in your first year than in subsequent years, if
you're the average person. Transmission of female to male is around
5% per year, in populations that were informed about herpes and
avoided intimacy during outbreaks. Using condoms and staying on the
Valtrex should reduce the odds even further, but is not a license to
play dice with another's health.

>Can I still have babies one day?

Absolutely. You just need to inform your doctor at that time that
you have herpes.

>Is it a definite that someone will eventually catch it from me,
>especially if my husband is trying to get me pregnant (I'm not married
>or engaged, just asking for the future)?

No, it's not definite.

>Does anyone read this board who doesn't have it and has had sex
>with someone with HSV and hasn't gotten it?

Not me. ;-) I got it. But there are a lot of people out there
like you describe. Perhaps some of them will say hi.

>I just need general advice. I know this post was about my ex, but
>mainly, I just want to know how to live the right way and still live
>happily, 'cause I haven't been very happy since being diagnosed at all.

I know, it's a big psychological blow. Depression is one of the
things that seems to be a part of every diagnosis, but it usually
passes. I think that you would feel better if you could talk about
it with that ex-boyfriend of yours. This group is good, but a real
live person is better. Don't doubt your friendship. This virus is
nothing compared to a good friendship. It may take him awhile to
figure out whether he wants to be intimate with you again, but there
is no reason that your friendship shouldn't survive. And either
way, you'll have done the right thing, and you'll feel better in the
long run.

Take care and keep asking questions,

Mike

Reply to this Message

Gadge - 10 Dec 2004 00:55 GMT

> Hello everyone. I just wanted some general advice, since I'm kinda
> alone in dealing with this.
[quoted text clipped - 43 lines]
> mainly, I just want to know how to live the right way and still live
> happily, 'cause I haven't been very happy since being diagnosed at all.

Me! Me! I'm type 1 - though it took me the best part of a year to find out.
You really should have a blood test to make certain, it nice to have it in
writing. I assumed I was type 2, so it was a surprise when I got my blood
test results and found I wasn't. (Still wonder what the chances are that
I'm a false negative...) Apparently up to 1 in 3 new cases nowadays are
type 1, so I'm surprised there aren't more of us around.

Have you been on Valtrex since your first outbreak? Well that's good if
you're concerned about asymptomatic viral shedding. But us type 1-ers are
less likely to have OBs down there you know. I don't know if I'm lucky, but
I've had hardly any bother at all since the first one (which was still
horrible). That's why it took me so long to find out, I couldn't have a
swab done, and my doctor was reluctant to do a blood test (am English, btw)

I'd write more, but I'm really tired, so feel free to ask me questions. I'll
reply over the weekend...

--
Gadge

PS. I'm 32, so not *that* much older than you are! Oh yes, and I'm female
too...

Reply to this Message

Wanda - 11 Dec 2004 19:33 GMT

Hi,
About the only thing I can add that may help you in the future when you tell
someone is that when you tell them don't act like it's the end of the world.
People tend to react to a thing the way you present it to them.
Here's an example. When I first found out I had the herp I had to go to my
dermatologist shortly there afterwards for a skin check. (Skin cancer) I
hemmed and hawed around and finally got it out that I had herpes and my doc
said, "Whew! I thought you were gonna tell me you had HIV! Good grief!" She
laughed and talked the same way she always did. That kinda made an
impression on me and I saw that a lot of people had it much worse.
Don't be too hard on yourself, but don't do things that will make you feel
bad about yourself either. Like not telling beforehand.
I told my now husband in the parking lot of a singles dance we used to both
attend. The first time he asked me out on a real date. He gave me a sweet
little kiss and asked to see me and I said I would really like that. Then I
told him that I wanted to tell him that I had herpes and I didn't know if
it mattered to him or not but just in case, there it is. He asked me a few
questions. I answered them and now we are married and have a beautiful 19
month old son. WooHoo!

Don't give up you still have a lot of living left to do!
Wanda

Reply to this Message