New partner, help!

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Tanya Green - 21 Aug 2003 17:46 GMT

Hi all, this is my first post. I am freaking out a bit. I have had
herpes for many years, I think 8. It really hasn't been a big deal
for me, I haven't had many outbreaks for years, maybe once a year, and
now I am on suppression meds, so I don't get any really. Anyway, my
problem is that I just started dating a guy I really like. I have
only had to tell one person ever, and his reaction was "so?". So, I
wasn't expecting it to be too bad, I thought it would be more than so,
but not too bad. Well, was I ever wrong. He freaked. Couldn't even
talk to me for 2 days. Before that, he called all the time, told me
that he couldn't stop thinking about me, that I was the perfect girl,
etc. Anyway, now he seems to have calmed down some, and says he wants
to see if he can deal with it. The truth is though, I am kind of
disenchanted. I know I thought it was a big deal when I was first
infected, but the truth is that now I know it really isn't that big of
a deal. So my big fear is that we will never have a good sex life. I
get the impression that I can forget about oral sex, which of course,
isn't okay. So my question to the group is, has anyone had a similar
situation that turned out well? Should I give him a chance to calm
down and see if we can go anywhere, or am I doomed? Am I going to
give it to him?

Thanks!

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M2slo2cht@Yahoo.com - 21 Aug 2003 18:38 GMT

On 21 Aug 2003 09:46:27 -0700, drielmom wrote:

>I have had
>herpes for many years, I think 8. It really hasn't been a big deal
>for me,

I'm assuming you're talking about genital herpes. If I'm wrong, be
sure to say so. Has it ever been typed? (meaning, do you know if you
have type1 or type2 or both?)

>wasn't expecting it to be too bad, I thought it would be more than so,
>but not too bad. Well, was I ever wrong. He freaked. Couldn't even
>talk to me for 2 days.

<snip>

>So my big fear is that we will never have a good sex life.

That depends on him. Some people just have a natural born tendency
towards irrational fears (phobias). And given the prevalence of the
herpes stigma, there are lots of herpephobics around. They're not all
hopeless though. With education and an understanding of how herpes is
actually transmitted, most intelligent and well balanced people get
over the phobia and are able to put it in perspective. Depends on the
individual though.

>get the impression that I can forget about oral sex, which of course,
>isn't okay.

That's why I asked about "type" earlier. Type 2 doesn't transfer to
the oral (mouth) area very easily. It's possible, but doesn't happen
often. And when it does, it seldom causes problems as far as outbreaks
or shedding is concerned. And with you being on suppression, the risk
of transfer is cut down quite a bit. And if it's type 1, there's a
good chance it's a moot point anyway. Something like 80% of the adult
population of the US already has type1 although only a few of them
know it. Your new bf might already have type 1 without symptoms. Only
way for him to find out is with a blood test.
Everybody has their own risk/reward level, but frankly, I don't see
why you'd have to give up oral sex. To deal with it effectively
though, you need more information about yourself and your boyfriend.

>Should I give him a chance to calm
>down and see if we can go anywhere, or am I doomed?

I vote to give him a chance if he's the logical reasonable type
(assuming herp is the only consideration). Do your part: Be aware of
your body and watch for outbreaks, use suppression and condoms. Beyond
that, some folks like to bathe before and after sex. and there are a
couple of other helpful hints that aren't coming to me right now. But
my point is, you're far from doomed.

>Am I going to give it to him?

No guarantees but you can cut the risk to extremely low levels if
you're diligent and careful.

M2

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M.L.S. - 21 Aug 2003 21:53 GMT

>Hi all, this is my first post. I am freaking out a bit. I have had
>herpes for many years, I think 8. It really hasn't been a big deal
[quoted text clipped - 16 lines]
>down and see if we can go anywhere, or am I doomed? Am I going to
>give it to him?

>Thanks!

Hi, Tanya. It sounds like you're pretty low risk to me. You've had
herpes for several years and shedding reportedly decreases markedly
after year one. Your outbreaks were rare anyway. And now you're on
suppression. You can't make your guy any guarantees, of course, but
your situation seems like about the best you could hope for. And
don't forget, it's possible your guy already has HSV and just doesn't
know it. Maybe he could go for a test and see?

After that it's just a matter on whether your status is something that
he'll always be nervous about or whether he's the type of person who
can put it out of sight and think no more about it. Or, of course, it
may be that it's you who ends up worrying about transferring the
thing, which is what I've done when faced with sleeping with people
who didn't have it.

Getting educated and talking is the best way to overcome our fears
about herpes. It sounds like you've got a good start going there, and
I wish you good luck and all the best.

Take care,

Mike

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Mr Roper - 22 Aug 2003 22:21 GMT

Have you had sex with him yet? If not, he should be abit more understanding,
it is not your fault you have it.

I am in a similar situation. When the girl I am dating returns from her
vacation after Labour Day weekend, I have to tell her I have Genital HSV-1.
Her good friend has oral HSV-1, so I'm going to use that as an intro lol I
am afraid she will over react, so I have to be prepared. I overreacted when
I was dx'ed, now to me its nothing at all. One red spot every few months
under the f-skin. Big deal. My Crohn's is a billion times more challenging.

My plan is to get to the point with it. No long stories...must act confident
and cool as if its no big deal, which it isn't.

If only people understood what this was and put into prespective, it
wouldn't be a big deal.

Good luck

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Gala - 23 Aug 2003 08:01 GMT

Thanks for all the good advice everyone.

An update. He came to see me tonight. We had a really nice time, and
talked pretty openly about it. He seems okay now. We even had sex,
protected of course! I liked the advice about having him get tested,
that makes a lot of sense. I guess I am going to take it as it comes
for now. You have all put me at ease at lot!

Thanks!

> Have you had sex with him yet? If not, he should be abit more understanding,
> it is not your fault you have it.
[quoted text clipped - 13 lines]
>
> Good luck

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