Hi Mike,

I can only tell you about my experiences.

I believe that your body is giving you a clear signal that something isn't
right.  The secret that you are keeping may be causing you great pain on the
inside.

I was with my husband for 17 years but it wasn't going well.  I tried
everything I could to make things work but he wasn't giving back.  I was
riddled with illness and a lot of emotional stress.  Over the period of
three years or so, I was able to come to the realization that at this point
in my life, I had to save myself.  I began with a severe diet change.  This
diet change is good for body detox AND emotional detox.  And once you start
that detox you really can't go back.  During the first  few months on the
diet, I kept a journal, saw my therapist, and did whatever I could to get
healthy.  About 8 months into it, I began the serious emotional detox.  I
had to come to the conclusion that this relationship wasn't healthy and that
I had to leave.  Then one day, in the 9th month, I woke up without illness.
Specifically, we are talking about my severe and debilitating allergies.
They were just simply gone.  I had finally made a decision and my body was
glad for it.

I wish you luck.  What you have to do isn't easy but you have to be true to
yourself and you have to do the right thing for your wife.  Leaving her
stuck in a marriage where she isn't getting the love that she deserves isn't
good for either of you.

Take care,
ar

Well, that's quite a story!  I can't say as I've had any parallel
experiences, but I can well believe what you say is true, because
stress is like that.  Whatever you're feeling is throwing you all
out of whack.

Of course, even if you resolve the stress (and maybe talking with
your wife won't be as traumatic as you think it will be, maybe
you'll even come away from it with a change of heart, and new
commitment) there's no guarantee that your eternally pending
outbreak will clear up.  You just don't know until you try, but even
without the outbreak, the stress isn't doing you or your wife any
good.  Best to be honest.  And like I say, sometimes just clearing
the air changes everything.  Go at it with an open mind and see what
happens.

Take care,

Mike

Yes.  Only with me it is gastro-intestinal problems.

Your body is beating you up because of your refusal to confront the
situation.  You won't listen to your mind/soul so it's sneaking up on
you in other ways.

People don't have to pair up and/or marry.  Bachelor uncles and maiden
aunt were quite respected and functional in bye gone days.

Now if your are feeling bad because think you are incapable of making
the so-called lifetime commitment, you can look at in one of 2 ways.
1) This isn't the right person. 2) The fact you cannot do the
"lifetime" speaks well of your courage to not harm yourself and make a
misery of another person's life.

I'd really like to see a confidential study of questions as part of
the marriage license routine and just ask "Why?"  Make it part of the
ceremony of application for a license.  Doesn't have to be done in
front of the partner.

So imagine the worst that can happen when you talk with your spouse
and when you can handle the worst, go ahead and do it.

Note: I'm doing my second divorce.  Both times I wasn't ready to get
married and was corralled into it and fooled into thinking the person
was ready for the responsibility.  What I have found to be the worst
thing with this divorce is his memory loss e.g., telling me _now_ that
we should have gotten counseling and forgetting that he kept
complaining how he didn't trust counselors and wouldn't be willing to
"strip naked" [emotionally] in order save the marriage.  Nor would he
give up his on-line flirting and actively dating women he had met
online, while complaining he frequently not satisfied with our sex
life.

That wasn't the worse thing I feared.  It was other things that kept
me from confronting him, but this is what he keeps shoving in my face
for the past couple years and he probably always will not "remember"
his part in my "mid-life crisis".  He didn't do anything to me.  (Just
had an e-mail on Saturday about this so it is quite fresh in my mind.)

Your worst thing may be far worse than what will actually happen.  And
your partner may be relieved when one of you actually says it.

And always say "I screwed up. I let you down."  As long as you say
some of it was your fault the other person has far less ammunition for
blame and recrimination.

Get to work on healing your body and your emotions  :-)

LK