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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Herpes / December 2003Newly diagnosed, just told the girl who (I think) gave it to me.
I called her long-distance and told her the story: "A week after the last time we slept together, I developed a little sore on the tip of my penis. I went to the doctor yesterday and she gave me a visual diagnosis that it's herpes." She hung up immediately. Some background: I'd just gotten out of a serious 1 year relationship, so I wanted something casual. This girl and I were together for a month, a friends-with-benefits type deal. We quit seeing each other because she moved to a different state. There was no strong emotional attachment on either side. Aside from my ex-girlfriend, she's the only person I'd slept with in over a year. I tried calling back an hour later and her phone was off. I'm not sure if she's angry, upset, if she thought I had it before her, or if she knew and is afraid I'm going to blame her. What type of reaction is hanging up anyway? When I found out I had it, I was fairly calm. I've read some of the posts here of the worst cases (constant headaches, unable to walk, etc.), but I've never had a headache in my life, I'm in good health, and the severity of my initial outbreak seems pretty minor - one small lesion and some redness (can anyone confirm if that's minor?) I don't even know it's there unless I touch it. The more I think about it, the more it seems to me that the the biggest issue with herpes is the social stigma, especially in a culture that is sexually repressed. But after the call with her, I'm upset. Is this going to be the normal reaction from women? I don't expect this to hurt my chances with a serious partner, since I'd spend time to develop a meaningful relationship before having sex. But I'm 24, successful, single, pretty good looking, and I don't want an understanding, caring, long-term partner. I want to have wild sex with strange women. I also want to be honest with all of them. I have a friend with herpes who seems to do alright with women, but I haven't been able to get ahold of him yet. Anyone here have any advice or experiences with casual relationships after herpes? I'd be very appreciative and eager to read them. Thanks for reading, - Hank >I called her long-distance and told her the story: >"A week after the last time we slept together, I developed a little >sore on the tip of my penis. I went to the doctor yesterday and she >gave me a visual diagnosis that it's herpes." >She hung up immediately. >Some background: I'd just gotten out of a serious 1 year >relationship, so I wanted something casual. This girl and I were >together for a month, a friends-with-benefits type deal. We quit >seeing each other because she moved to a different state. There was >no strong emotional attachment on either side. Aside from my >ex-girlfriend, she's the only person I'd slept with in over a year. >I tried calling back an hour later and her phone was off. I'm not >sure if she's angry, upset, if she thought I had it before her, or if >she knew and is afraid I'm going to blame her. What type of reaction >is hanging up anyway? She's just upset, a little afraid, not sure how to react. I remember a long time ago, I had a cute little girlfriend who I really liked a lot, but it became obvious that she was fooling around a little on the side. I figured it out from certain symptoms I had, and knowing that *I* hadn't been with anyone else. Anyway, I went to the hospital and they took a swab, visually diagnosed the clap, shot me full of penicillin and sent me on my way. It didn't seem like much of a big deal. When I got home there was my girlfriend and my apartment mate and his girlfriend. In my usual cheerful self I walked in and said, "Guess what? I've got gonorrhea!". Poor K, was instantly devastated, and ran out the door crying. We had a hard time finding her, but we did, and got her a.s filled with penicillin, too, and we were all fine for the while. >When I found out I had it, I was fairly calm. I've read some of the >posts here of the worst cases (constant headaches, unable to walk, [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] >the more it seems to me that the the biggest issue with herpes is the >social stigma, especially in a culture that is sexually repressed. Yes, the stigma is worse than the actual thing, for most people. >But after the call with her, I'm upset. Is this going to be the >normal reaction from women? It might be the normal reaction from women who get the information *after* the fact. Of course, she may already know or suspect she has herpes and just can't quite think about dealing with talking to you and admitting things to herself. Like I say, whether she has any reason to think she's got it or not, she's undoubtedly confused and afraid. But in my experience, no one has hung up or run away when I've brought the herpes subject up *before* getting intimate. > I don't expect this to hurt my chances >with a serious partner, since I'd spend time to develop a meaningful >relationship before having sex. But I'm 24, successful, single, >pretty good looking, and I don't want an understanding, caring, >long-term partner. I want to have wild sex with strange women. I also >want to be honest with all of them. Yeah, it's the American dream. There are lots of women who will still be willing to have sex with you. Learning to like condoms could be a help. But just being honest and charming will take you a long way. You can't expect every woman to throw caution to the wind, but if you learn how to reduce their risks (put yourself on Valtrex or Acyclovir, for instance, and avoid sex completely during any outbreaks), which can be done, you should be okay. >I have a friend with herpes who seems to do alright with women, but I >haven't been able to get ahold of him yet. Anyone here have any >advice or experiences with casual relationships after herpes? I'd be >very appreciative and eager to read them. I'm more of a serious relationship kind of guy, but I could have had more sexual partners than I have had, had I wanted. Take care, Mike >She's just upset, a little afraid, not sure how to react. Yeah, good point. I brought it up with my family, and they suggested that she might be ashamed as well. I feel really bad for her. >In my usual cheerful self I walked >in and said, "Guess what? I've got gonorrhea!". Poor K, was >instantly devastated, and ran out the door crying. Haha! Here I thought I was insensitive when breaking bad news. >Of course, she may already know or suspect she has herpes and just >can't quite think about dealing with talking to you and admitting >things to herself. Like I say, whether she has any reason to think >she's got it or not, she's undoubtedly confused and afraid. I think you're right, she either knew beforehand, or like 2/3 of people with the virus, was in denial. Thinking back on it, she did have some quarter sized rough spots on her rear the first night I was with her. They felt like sand paper, which would have normally grossed me out, but she was too damned cute. She said they were probably bug bites, and I didn't think any more of it until I read that herpes sometimes shows up on rear-ends and can scab. If that's the case, it would mean we were having sex in the middle of an outbreak. Oops. >But in my experience, no one has hung up or run away when I've brought >the herpes subject up *before* getting intimate. [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] >for instance, and avoid sex completely during any outbreaks), which >can be done, you should be okay. I'm on Famvir right now, and yeah, there's no way I'd have sex during an outbreak. Condoms are no problem, but I'm not sure about the medication. Will it make me less contagious, or just stop outbreaks? Is there any reason you reccomended medicines other than Famvir? My case seems pretty minor compared to others I've read about, at least at this point, so I'm hoping I can avoid breakouts without medication, but I guess I'll have to wait and see. Thanks for the reply! - Hank Hi Hank, "Hank" <johnr@NO|S|PAMhot-shot.com> wrote in message > I'm on Famvir right now, and yeah, there's no way I'd have sex during > an outbreak. Condoms are no problem, but I'm not sure about the [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > at this point, so I'm hoping I can avoid breakouts without medication, > but I guess I'll have to wait and see. The medication will do both - make you less contagious (by cutting down on asymptomatic shedding) and will cut down on frequency and duration of outbreaks. There are a couple of different meds and not all of them work for everyone. I've never used the medication. It really isn't a necessity. It just depends on your situation and your outbreaks. Also, you should find out if you have type 1 or 2. Take care, ar >I'm on Famvir right now, and yeah, there's no way I'd have sex during >an outbreak. Condoms are no problem, but I'm not sure about the [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > >- Hank Where your lesion is/where your outbreaks typically occur will also make a difference as to whether a condom will help or not. Do not forget about asymptomatic shedding -- are you aware of what that is? You have to get used to the feelings that are the precursors to the outbreaks, such as tingling, etc. Some sources say the first outbreak is the worst but from personal experience, I have had way worse outbreaks than my initial one. Everyone does differently on different meds. I have to take 1000mg Valtrex to control the outbreaks, whereas the typical dosage is 500mg. You will just have to wait and see, listen to your body and read as much as you can in the archives. There is a lot to be learned out there.... Good luck.... r. I also wanted to mention that you will probably not know who gave it to you...unless you get some really honest partner who admits it. Given how long the HSV can sit dormant -- it makes it next to impossible to figure out where it came from/whom it came from. If I understand correctly also, people can be carriers/asymtpomatic shedders who NEVER have a full blown outbreak. Anyone? For example, I have been in a committed relationship for over four years and neither of us have strayed. I was married for 10 years before that with a two year celibacy in between the divorce and my new partner. So either my new partner contracted it from his ex-wife or I contracted it from my ex-husband....but it took 6 years to show up in me. Just wanted to mention it. r. > If I understand correctly also, people can be carriers/asymtpomatic > shedders who NEVER have a full blown outbreak. Anyone? Yup. The big problem for controlling transmission. At least one poster here has been in precisely this position. Tim -- When playing rugby, its not the winning that counts, but the taking apart ICQ: 5178568 Do bloodwork tests for 'carriers' work? Are the results reliable? Thanks, r. >> If I understand correctly also, people can be carriers/asymtpomatic >> shedders who NEVER have a full blown outbreak. Anyone? [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > >Tim Hi "r" Having herpes is like being pregnant. You either are or you aren't. You either have herpes or you don't. So, there's no such thing as a "carrier." That person has herpes. They either don't have symptoms or their symptoms are so mild they don't know that they have herpes. Blood tests test for the herpes antibodies. Once you have herpes, you begin to develop the antibodies. So, blood tests are reliable for everyone as long as you are tested 12 - 16 weeks after infection. It takes that long for enough antibodies to build up in the blood for counting. ar > Do bloodwork tests for 'carriers' work? Are the results reliable? > [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > > > >Tim I use the term 'carrier' loosely....to refer to someone who HAS herpes but has never ever had an outbreak. I know those types of people do exist. I just wanted to know if those people developed the antibodies the tests tested for. =) Thanks for your reply. r. >Hi "r" > [quoted text clipped - 22 lines] >> > >> >Tim >Do bloodwork tests for 'carriers' work? Are the results reliable? Absolutely! The Western Blot is the most reliable (a solid 99% or so) but the new HerpeSelect type specific tests are almost as good. Both look for antibodies that the body forms to fight the virus, and those antibodies will exist even if the host never experiences outbreaks. In fact, a host that doesn't suffer over outbreaks probably has LOTS of antibodies keeping the outbreaks under control. Take care, Mike > Do bloodwork tests for 'carriers' work? Are the results reliable? Yes, thats how they spot them. The virus doesnt produce outbreaks in those people but it is active to some level and so interacts with the immune system and raises a response. Timings etc required for the response to be detected fall into the same brackets as for anyone else. Accuracy and reliability will be of the same level as for someone who gets lesions. Tim -- When playing rugby, its not the winning that counts, but the taking apart ICQ: 5178568 >>She's just upset, a little afraid, not sure how to react. >Yeah, good point. I brought it up with my family, and they suggested >that she might be ashamed as well. I feel really bad for her. >>In my usual cheerful self I walked >>in and said, "Guess what? I've got gonorrhea!". Poor K, was >>instantly devastated, and ran out the door crying. >Haha! Here I thought I was insensitive when breaking bad news. I was just so happy to know that it was a simple problem with a simple cure that I didn't think she'd be upset. >>Of course, she may already know or suspect she has herpes and just >>can't quite think about dealing with talking to you and admitting >>things to herself. Like I say, whether she has any reason to think >>she's got it or not, she's undoubtedly confused and afraid. >I think you're right, she either knew beforehand, or like 2/3 of >people with the virus, was in denial. It is possible she doesn't have it. You could have had it for a while and just not known it. Sometimes first outbreaks come long after the initial infection. >Thinking back on it, she did have some quarter sized rough spots on >her rear the first night I was with her. They felt like sand paper, [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >scab. If that's the case, it would mean we were having sex in the >middle of an outbreak. Oops. But then again, you may be right. I've seen outbreaks like that, maybe nickel-sized patches. >I'm on Famvir right now, and yeah, there's no way I'd have sex during >an outbreak. Condoms are no problem, but I'm not sure about the >medication. Will it make me less contagious, or just stop outbreaks? There are few conclusive studies, but the antiviral drugs do reduce outbreaks, and do reduce asymptomatic shedding, and that is thought to translate into being less contagious. It only makes sense, but like I say, no one has actually quantified it, yet. >Is there any reason you reccomended medicines other than Famvir? My >case seems pretty minor compared to others I've read about, at least >at this point, so I'm hoping I can avoid breakouts without medication, >but I guess I'll have to wait and see. You'll really have to get a feel for your own pathology. Some people break out more, some less. If you want to have that active sex life, however, you'll probably want to keep yourself as suppressed as possible. This book I'm reading says we can shed virus asymptomatically between one and four percent of the days in a year, and you don't get to pick the days. As for the Famvir, is there a particular reason why you're on that particular drug? Are you outside the US? Most people are started on Valtrex or Acyclovir, the latter being the cheapest overall, and if they don't do the job, then Famvir is tried. Or at least that's how it seems from this chair. And remember, herpes is one of the more benign diseases being passed around out there, so it you are going to continue an active sex life, use those condoms, and try to ascertain your partner's sexual status. Take care, Mike Hi Hank, Well, I think it was wrong of her to just hang up. I have no understanding of why she would do that. Hopefully, she'll call you back and you two can work this out. Mike already gave you great answers for the rest of your questions. Take care, ar > I called her long-distance and told her the story: > [quoted text clipped - 41 lines] > > - Hank |
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