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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Herpes / November 2003Breaking the news to my girlfriend
Hi Everyone, This is the first time I have posted anything. But I was sat at home feeling like my life's turning to sh.t, when I decided to log on and see if I could find a news group on the subject of Herpes that could give me some advice. I hope that I'm not making a mistake. A couple of years ago I had what I now know with the benifit of hindsight my first outbreak of genital Herpes, (Type 2). I went to the doctor had a test done and it came back negative. Eariler this year I had out breaks of sores say every 4-6 weeks, in the end I went to the hospital, first the test came back negative, but when I returned after the next outbreak immediatly the sores were visible the doctors guessed Herpes and the tests came bacxk positive. For a while I was in shock, eventually I explored the subject on the internet and decided to embark on suppression in order to gain some control over my life. I felt that no one could help me with my problem, and so I self prescribed Acyclovir and started to take 400mg twice every day. I have now been clear of sores and symptoms since April of this year i.e. 7 and a half months. I think at some point I'll stop taking the treatment, when I have some inner calm over the issue, and then I'll see what happens and decide. It's a comfort for me to know that over time the symptoms/outbreaks of my genital Herpes will diminish. My problem now is the following. I recently met a very nice girl, she's lovely. We like each other very much, I'm sure that the longer I know her the more I'll love her, and in the meantime she talks about the two of us making a life together. I don't mean to get all smoochy or romantic, what I'm trying to convey is that its not a casual relationship. At present we've only ever made love once, and although I am sure that I was not infectious, never the less I feel guilty about this. Since then I explained that until we really know where our relationship is going we shouldn't have sex. She's an old fashioned girl, so it was OK with her, and good luck for me that she accepted this explanation. I don't know what to do. I am afraid that if I tell her, she'll be angry with me. Maybe she'll tell the whole world. Maybe I'll become like a Leper. Maybe she'll say it's OK that we can stay together but never have sex. Please please if someone out there has got an idea about this could you post a reply. Nathan Nathan, You should go ahead and tell her everything. Angela www.yoshi2me.com Hi Nathan. Hi Nathan I'm with Yoshi2me. You should fess up to your new woman. To continue to hide it will only make things worse when the subject DOES finally come up. Which it must. See below for my continued comments. > Hi Everyone, > [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > sores were visible the doctors guessed Herpes and the tests came bacxk > positive. First off. How do you know it's type 2? Did your tests reveal that? Or are you assuming it's type 2 because it's in the genital area? Assuming its a certain type based on location can be inaccurate. Here in the US, 30% of new genital cases, when appropriately tested, are found to be HSV1 rather than HSV2 (statistically speaking). HSV1 genitally located is usually transferred to the area by receiving oral sex while someone with oral herpes is contagious. It doesn't transfer from genital to genital contact as easily--and that's why I mention this. It seems to me to be important, risk wise for a partner, to know the correct type a person is infected with. > For a while I was in shock, eventually I explored the subject on the > internet and decided to embark on suppression in order to gain some control > over my life. I felt that no one could help me with my problem, and so I > self prescribed Acyclovir and started to take 400mg twice every day. I have > now been clear of sores and symptoms since April of this year i.e. 7 and a > half months. I'm glad acyclovir is working for you. I've always found it to be very effective in controlling my symptoms. > I think at some point I'll stop taking the treatment, when I have some inner > calm over the issue, and then I'll see what happens and decide. It's a > comfort for me to know that over time the symptoms/outbreaks of my genital > Herpes will diminish. The only way to really know if you still need the meds is to go off them. Expect at least one or 2 outbreaks, as your immune response gears up to handle it on it's own, but if you have more than that, I'd suggest hopping back onto suppression. Some people just need the help of the meds. Nothing wrong with that either--that's what they were invented for. > My problem now is the following. I recently met a very nice girl, she's > lovely. We like each other very much, I'm sure that the longer I know her [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > shouldn't have sex. She's an old fashioned girl, so it was OK with her, and > good luck for me that she accepted this explanation. Unfortunately, there's now way you can know whether you were really infectious or not. There's a thing called asymptomatic shedding where the virus is on the skin surface, thus transferable, yet there are no known symptoms at all. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. And there's no way for you to know when it IS happening. That's the bad news. We all are contagious at times without knowning it. However, the good news is that taking one of the antivirals suppressively, as you are doing, reduces the chances of asymptomatic shedding considerably. About 50% the last study showed. > I don't know what to do. > I am afraid that if I tell her, she'll be angry with me. > Maybe she'll tell the whole world. > Maybe I'll become like a Leper. > Maybe she'll say it's OK that we can stay together but never have sex. No one can predict how she will react when you finally tell her. You've already kinda dug that hole. Your only option at this point is to level with her and then hope she likes you enough to look beyond your fear of telling her prior to exposing her that first time. Many people become involved with each other who are discordant (one person has herpes and the other doesn't). It's possible for her to stay virus free, even though you are possibly exposing her each time you are intimate. However, there's no way you can guarantee she won't get it--and that's why you need to let HER make the choice as to whether she wants to take that risk. It's the only right thing to do. There are many techiques you can utilize to keep her virus free if she should decide you're worth the risk. Plus, I'd recommend she have a herpes blood test prior to both of you being intimate again. She COULD have herpes too--from a long-held infection. The vast majority of the people who have herpes are unaware of their infection and the only way to know whether she has herpes or not, if she's never had symptoms, is to have a herpes blood test. There are some websites that discuss HOW to tell someone about your herpes and hopefully someone will post some sites for you. I'd recommend reading them, and reading some other good websites about herpes so that you're more comfortable with the subject before you tell her. If YOU treat this whole thing like it's the end of the world, so will she. I know that's easier said than done. But if you can, you need to get a handle on your own infection and what it really means to you in the long run BEFORE you talk to her. And for me, that would mean educating myself about the virus. The more you know, the more comfortable you may become with it. > Please please if someone out there has got an idea about this could you post > a reply. > > Nathan We all can answer whatever general questions you have about herpes. I've had herpes for over 7 years and it's meant practically nothing in my everyday life. I control my symptoms with acyclovir, and my Lady also has herpes (I got it from her before we even knew she had it--she's never had a herpes symptom). Good luck, and keep us posted on how it's going. Hang in -G Hi Guy, Thank you for your reply. I assumed I had Herpes Type 2 because it was in my genital area. Is there a specific test they can do on my blood to find out what I have? When I had my first test it was at the end of my outbreak and they didn't find anything. On my second test I went straight away as soon as the little blisters appeared and then the doctor said that it looked like Hepes and the blood test showed antibodies present and he said that confirmed the diagnosis. From this I perhaps wrongly understood that when there is no outbreak they cant find anything, and that I would have to wait for an outbreak, in order to do any more tests. Am I wrong? Thanks for your help. Nathan > Hi Nathan. > [quoted text clipped - 139 lines] > Hang in > -G Nathan, If you tested positive for herpes the second time around then you probably have herpes. You can always check with the doctor to see if it was typed at all. As you may know . . . genital herpes can be type-1 or type-2. Here are some Site and Type Guidelines: http://yoshi2me.com/page6.html . Hope this helps, Angela www.yoshi2me.com > Hi Guy, > [quoted text clipped - 179 lines] > > Hang in > > -G > Hi Guy, > > Thank you for your reply. > > I assumed I had Herpes Type 2 because it was in my genital area. Is there a > specific test they can do on my blood to find out what I have? Herpes specific western blot is the gold standard for herpes blood tests. However, it's probably hard to get in your neck of the woods. It's even hard to get in the US, and it's a US test. ELISA blood tests, the newer ones, are pretty reliable type wise, from what I understand and much more available. Watch out for the older ELISAs though...they were not as type sensitve as the newer, more accurate ones. I can't recall how to confirm what you're getting...whether a new test or an older one. Perhaps someone else can recall that info for you. > When I had my first test it was at the end of my outbreak and they didn't > find anything. On my second test I went straight away as soon as the little [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > cant find anything, and that I would have to wait for an outbreak, in order > to do any more tests. Am I wrong? For a culture type test (scrape a lesion), you do need an outbreak. For any/all of the blood tests, you don't need an outbreak. If you're having an outbreak, a culture is the way to go, simply because if it's positive, you know exactly where you have herpes. Plus, when it's positive, a further typing test can be done on it and you can even know precisely what you have, where. Pretty cool. Blood tests will only tell you you have a certain type (like HSV1 and/or HSV2) but can never tell you where you have it. If you have HSV1 it can be located either orally or genitally (or both). For HSV2, it's generally located genitally as it transfers fairly poorly to the oral area (not that it can't be located there though). > Thanks for your help. > > Nathan Sorry it took me so long to answer up. I get busy with work. Hang in -G > > Hi Nathan. > > [quoted text clipped - 158 lines] > > Hang in > > -G <snip> >I don't know what to do. >I am afraid that if I tell her, she'll be angry with me. >Maybe she'll tell the whole world. >Maybe I'll become like a Leper. >Maybe she'll say it's OK that we can stay together but never have sex. First, you won't become a leper. At least not with herpes. Second, you left off a couple of options: - Maybe she'll be concerned at first, think it over, and then tell you that she loves you anyway. - Maybe she'll break down and confess that she was afraid to tell you but she's got the same thing. I like either one of those options better than any of the ones you are worried about. The stories we've heard over the years on this newsgroup have been overwhelmingly positive for people in your situation. Yes, it's not easy, I know, Oh, how I know, but nevertheless, it *is* necessary, and it's almost never as bad as you think it's going to be. And the other thing is, you've got to do it at some point or other, especially if you really respect this person, so... Just do it. No matter how it goes you'll feel better afterwards. Take care, Mike Dont do it. Deny everything. Wear protection always. Its not the end of the world cause you have it but it could mean the end of your relationship if you tell her you have it. >Dont do it. Deny everything. Wear protection always. Its not the end of >the world cause you have it but it could mean the end of your >relationship if you tell her you have it. More evidence that the moral decay in the hinterlands continues unabated. Yes, by all means, incapacitate yourself with guilt and clumsy machinations in order to trick someone you supposedly like into believing something you are too cowardly to address like a man. Honor and truth are less work and far more rewarding. Trolls are well known for always taking the stupid way out. Mike Actually . . . if he doesn't tell her then the trust issue will definitely be the end of their relationship. As for sweeping it under the rug . . . that is the lazy way out. Also, condoms do not prevent the spread of herpes. Don't get me wrong ~ condoms are great ~ they just don't cover the entire genital area. Angela www.yoshi2me.com |
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