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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Herpes / December 2007I think I gave someone herpes and I'm a mess
Hi, I've been a member of this group for a while. I have genital herpes and hpv. Anyway I have had herpes and hpv both about 14 years, both are quite active still. I met this woman through an online dating service. We met and went out on a couple of dates. After the second date I sensed that she wanted to become intimate in the future, so I had to have the dreaded "talk". I took her to a park and we sat by the water on a rock on a nice sunny day and I told her. At first she looked scared and surprised that I wanted to tell her that. Then she was surprisingly okay with it and said she didn't have it genitally only in the form of occasional cold sores. We ended up waiting two weeks from the time we talked to actually becoming intimate. I don't know why, I guess I was just nervous about being intimate for some reason. At time time I wasn't having an outbreak, but had been a little itchy on my inner thighs nothing more. I didn't wear a condom because she told me she was allergic to them and didn't like them. About a week after we were intimate she told me that she was having some mysterious lower back pain and tenderness in her abdominal area. She went to the ER and they sent her home with pain medicine with no knowledge of the cause. A day later she told me that she felt like she had the flu with fever, body aches and chills and the same lower back ache and tenderness and went back to the ER. They still were unaware of what was going on and told her it could be a bladder infection, but sent her home again telling her that since she was exposed to herpes it could be related. Later that night she was getting some itching and burning on the skin of her thigh she told me. The thigh that she had the itching was inline with my thigh that had the itching during the time we were intimate. The next day she told me that there were 3 red bumps that hurt and were itchy all in a small cluster. I told her that I must have given her herpes and I was very sorry. She told me that she still wants to stay with me, and I still feel depressed and I'm not happy with myself at all. I am very upset with what happened. She told me not to worry about it but I can't help but not. I don't know what to do anymore. What if our relationship doesn't work, then I will have given her herpes and made things all the more difficult for her. Al >I am very upset with what happened. She told me not to worry about it but I >can't help but not. Yeah, that sucks. You might try buying her a couple dozen red roses. If that doesn't make you feel better, you're gonna have to start with the bling. I wish a had a better suggestion but that's a tough one. Thank your lucky stars though, she's not beatin' you over the head with it. Sounds like she just might be a keeper. You just may end up making lemonade outta this lemon. M2 Al - you can't do this to yourself. It takes two to have a relationship. You make decisions together. You did everything that you were required to do. You told her about your status and she chose to be with you anyway. Angela  Signaturewww.yoshi2me.com www.yoshi2me.com/sexual-health/ www.yoshi2me.com/phpbb/index.php www.health.groups.yahoo.com/group/PickingUpThePieces/ > Hi, > [quoted text clipped - 38 lines] > > Al Hey Al, Keep in mind that you were upfront with her about your condition. You both took a chance practicing unsafe sex. She is just as responsible as you are. One thing I noticed though is that in your letter you said that she said she is allergic to condoms and didn't like them. Make sure that she is being honest with you the way you have been honest with her. Good luck. Melissa I would feel terrible knowing I had passed the virus onto someone else as well ... but at the end of the day, you were upfront and honest about the virus, and your partner took the risk knowingly. Don't beat yourself up about it, she has made an informed decision. It takes two to tango. Also ... are you sure she has herpes? Did she have a swab test done at the time of the 3 little spots appearing? The only reason I ask is that I haven't heard of lower back pain as a result of herpes. Sounds a little odd. All the best, keep your chin up. You have done the right thing by informing your partner prior to engaging in sexual activity. Harmony http://www.harmonyonline.com.au Oh Harmony, I wish it were true, what you say. Lower back pain is so common with genital herpes it's not funny. I've had herpes for over 30 years and it has me completely incapacitated. I'm on disability because of it and unable to function at all normally from chronic fever, chronic pain, severe debilitating fatigue, etc. Sometimes I get pains in my head, sometimes in my lower back, sometimes in the oddest places, and it's always followed by an outbreak (which are on a CONSTANT) roll. I wish you all luck with this horrible monster of a virus. I have herpes I orally and herpes II genitally as well as whitlow, on the palm of my hand. It's living hell. <SNIP> > Also ... are you sure she has herpes? Did she have a swab test done > at the time of the 3 little spots appearing? The only reason I ask is [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > Harmony > http://www.harmonyonline.com.au > Oh Harmony, > I wish it were true, what you say. Lower back pain is so common with > genital herpes it's not funny. The lower back trouble that you are having is NOT common with genital herpes. Obviously, what you are going through is completely and totally different from the norm. I've had herpes for 13 years coming up this summer and I don't experience any back pain whatsoever! > I've had herpes for over 30 years and it has me completely incapacitated. > I'm on disability because of it and unable to function at all normally > from > chronic fever, chronic pain, severe debilitating fatigue, etc. Your situation is completely seperate and above and beyond a normal description of herpes simplex virus. My advice to you would be to talk with your doctor because what you're going through might be in part due to something else. > Sometimes I > get pains in my head, sometimes in my lower back, sometimes in the oddest > places, and it's always followed by an outbreak (which are on a CONSTANT) > roll. I wish you all luck with this horrible monster of a virus. What are you talking to control your outbreaks? What has your doctor told you about these pains that you are experiencing? You can't always assume any pain that you are going through is because of herpes. > I have herpes I orally and herpes II genitally as well as whitlow, on the > palm of my hand. It's living hell. For you perhaps...? The pain that you've described seems to be a bit more than just herpes-related. Talk to your doctor about it, Angela Signaturewww.yoshi2me.com www.yoshi2me.com/sexual-health/ www.yoshi2me.com/phpbb/index.php www.health.groups.yahoo.com/group/PickingUpThePieces/ Thank you Yoshi, I have spoken with my doctors. As I have had the virus for over 30 years and you, only 13, I might have a better view of what might lie ahead...."seeing the forest", so to speak. And as I have three recurring types of herpes viruses, that has much to do with what's going on with me. When one of my outbreaks backs off, another one raises it's head. My immune system is shot from all the attacks. Of course, I do not wish it on anyone...I hope your herpes stays controllable...in my case, it did not. FYI: I cannot take antivirals, so I'd appreciate not hearing about how they can help me, they cannot. I am being treated with alternative medicines, including (but not limited to), acupuncture, and receiving some relief from pain. Thank you. MamaZ >> Oh Harmony, >> I wish it were true, what you say. Lower back pain is so common with [quoted text clipped - 35 lines] > > Angela I'm sorry MamaZ - I did not mean to offend you. It is important that people know that your situation is totally different from the norm. Hopefully you will stay in constant contact with your doctors and I will pray that they figure out something that will work for you. Hang in there, Angela Signaturewww.yoshi2me.com www.yoshi2me.com/sexual-health/ www.yoshi2me.com/phpbb/index.php www.health.groups.yahoo.com/group/PickingUpThePieces/ Dear Angela, Thank you, and I understand what you saying. Thankfully, in most cases herpes is manageable. My case is definitely NOT normal, but (unfortunately and occasionally) herpes can and does "go systemic" as it has in my case and that can be a real big problem, especially when one cannot use the standard antiviral medicines. My prayers go out to all who suffer with this virus, no matter what level of suffering that is. Good luck to everyone, MamaZ > I'm sorry MamaZ - > [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > > Angela Thanks MamaZ! :) > Dear Angela, > Thank you, and I understand what you saying. Thankfully, in most cases [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] >> >> Angela Hi Angela, I personally have never had lower back pain from my herpes problems until the "primary outbreaks occured in early 2005. Prior to that I had recurring but not that severe outbreaks for many years. When the early 2005 episodes occured I was having horrible lower back pain that would seem to stay in the tail bone area for some reason. I am much better now. Lower back pain is only a small worry now and its not that bad, unless something really severe arises. I had recurrent Mono for years and then recurrent genital herpes, so herpes viruses seem to be a problem with my immune system for some unknown reason. I don't feel I need antivirals anymore because my outbreaks are very low in severity now. I am still taking Lysine and other vitamins and helping to improve my immune system through diet, rest and excersise. Oh and that person who I might have given it to is doing better, but she is still getting very frequent outbreaks now. I still feel really bad about the whole thing, but I didnt do it on purpose, I had no control over it. Al >> Dear Angela, >> Thank you, and I understand what you saying. Thankfully, in most cases [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >> cannot use the standard antiviral medicines. My prayers go out to all >> who suffer with this virus, no matter what level of suffering that is. > Also ... are you sure she has herpes? Did she have a swab test done > at the time of the 3 little spots appearing? The only reason I ask is > that I haven't heard of lower back pain as a result of herpes. Sounds > a little odd. Well I for one have had really bad lower back pain when I got my primary outbreak from herpes. I don't anymore really. I had other things also including aching in the butt and genitals and burning pains down the leg. Although I don't really get those that much unless its a bad one. The girl I am with hasnt had those symptoms. She told me she had intense lower back pain, tenderness in the abdomine area for a couple of days, then a day later flu symptoms and some itching and burning on the areas where the lesions developed. She also told me that the lesions felt achy and painful. I looked at them and they were similar looking to mine, that being red areas with blister like bumps. She didn't have anything swabbed, but we figured that since we were intimate and I have genital herpes and she is getting pretty close to the same symptoms I get, its about 99% likely that it is herpes. I guess she could wait 4 months and get tested too. I still feel bad about it though. I mean, I care about her, but I think she is more in love with me than I am at this point. I feel like I am obligated to be with her in some ways, but I don't know for sure that its going to work out. I'll have to play it by ear, but I still feel bad that I gave it to her. On top of that I have cell phone technical troubles, I'm interviewing for another position in my company and looking at new cars, so I have alot going on here! Al That's interesting what you all say about back pains and aching. I actually was getting achy feelings every month for quite some time after I contracted the virus (HSV type 1). I went to the doctor to get it diagnosed and to ask whether it was because of the herpes virus but they told me it was completely unrelated to the virus and more than likely was just stress related. Perhaps not given what some of you have said re: your symptoms. Harmony http://www.harmonyonline.com.au When I went to the clinic following my primary, the doctor said that the lower back pain "could be" related to herpes, but he wasnt sure. He wasnt really an expert with herpes anyway. I do know that I have always had lower back problems even prior to getting herpes, but since the primary, my lower back problems have been more of a problem. Related? Don't know...but since alot of others get it there is a possibility. > That's interesting what you all say about back pains and aching. I > actually was getting achy feelings every month for quite some time [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > Harmony > http://www.harmonyonline.com.au > > Also ... are you sure she has herpes? Did she have a swab test done > > at the time of the 3 little spots appearing? The only reason I ask is [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] > > Al Al, Why in the world do you feel that you are obligated to be with her in some ways as you said? You aren't feeling quite the same as she is obviously so take it slowly! Just remember you two haven't been together long enough, plus you met over the internet so keep that in mind. If you feel you should be with her because you think you gave her herpes, then that's not a good enough reason to be together. What's done is done, you did the right thing by being upfront with her. I don't know what your reasons are but I'm guessing that is part of it. To be honest Al, something tells me to be a little careful with this woman. Don't rush into anything ok? Melissa >plus you met over the internet so keep that >in mind. ROFLMAO!! I'm sorry :-) I don't disagree with practically anything you said in your post but this one line just cracked me up ;-) It didn't fit in at all with the rest of your advice. M2 On Nov 7, 8:18 am, M2slo2...@nospam.invalid wrote: > >plus you met over the internet so keep that > >in mind. [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > > M2 Whatever M2 >> >plus you met over the internet so keep that >> >in mind. On Nov 7, 8:18 am, M2 wrote: >> ROFLMAO!! >> I'm sorry :-) >> I don't disagree with practically anything you said in your post but >> this one line just cracked me up ;-) It didn't fit in at all with >> the rest of your advice. >Whatever M2 I sense the need for an explanation. Everyone has heard the stories of unfortunate situations that arise from Internet dating. And from that, Internet dating has gotten the reputation for being dangerous. And maybe it is. But you can meet nut cases anywhere. In bars, at the beach, at parties, or anywhere people mingle. You have to be careful on the Internet just the same as anywhere else. Fact is, the more people you meet on the Internet, the more you realize that there's no difference. None whatsoever. People are people no matter where or how you meet them. The only reason your statement struck me the way it did is because Herpes is stereotyped the same way.. Some people hear the word Herpes and come up with the wildest notions about it. Simply because of what they've "heard". So your comment struck me the same as when I hear someone make a stereotypical comment about Herpes. That's all. No biggie. Sorry if I offended. M2 Hey why are you laughing M2??? :) I met alot of women over the internet, its not a bad place to meet people! :)) Al > ROFLMAO!! > I'm sorry :-) [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > M2 >Hey why are you laughing M2??? :) >I met alot of women over the internet, its not a bad place to meet people! Me too, and I agree. In fact, it's a great place to meet people. See my explanation in a follow-up message. M2 Hi Mel, I think your right. Last night I saw her and she asked me if I was cheating on her, for no apparent reason. I'm not sure why she would even think that. She seems like a good person, but I am piecing things together more and more and she really doesn't seem like someone I'd want to be in a steady relationship with, plus I know I would not want to introduce her to my family. My family would tell me I can do better and I know this for a fact. I feel bad that I gave her herpes though. Her outbreaks are nothing like what I went through though. Al > Al, > Why in the world do you feel that you are obligated to be with [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > careful with this woman. Don't rush into anything ok? > Melissa Al - You don't know for sure that her herpes came from you. You are not obligated to stay with her if you do not love her. Angela If you are not in love with her then you need to be completely honest about that. You are never obligated to stay with somebody out of guilt. > I feel like I am obligated to be with her in some ways, but I don't know > for sure that its going to work out. Very good advice, Yoshi! Life is too short... > If you are not in love with her then you need to be completely honest > about that. You are never obligated to stay with somebody out of guilt. > >> I feel like I am obligated to be with her in some ways, but I don't know >> for sure that its going to work out. Hey thanks! ;) > Very good advice, Yoshi! Life is too short... > [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >>> I feel like I am obligated to be with her in some ways, but I don't know >>> for sure that its going to work out. Yes this is true Angela, but now the problem is that I would either have to tell her I want to take things lighter and step back a little or not go out anymore. I'm not good at that stuff. Plus theres alot of stuff i don't like about her. She's not really that much in shape I mean she really needs to get into better health and excersize. Not that I'm a model, but I think I take better care of myself. Her apartment is kind of dumpy and her son is almost in jail, he's 18 but doesnt want to work and he looks like a hippy. I pride myself on taking good care of myself and having a nice home and car etc. I like things to be orderly and clean and well cared for. I'm not saying that everyone has to do that in order to be a good person, but thats just me. On the other hand I have another female friend who used to be my girlfriend and we are just friends now, but we get along great even though we are quite different in alot of ways. I go out with her as a friend to places and dinners and feel great about it. I'm really having second thoughts about this girl I am supposed to be with. She brought up the fact that I gave her herpes several times and thinks I cheated on her, and I just feel trapped. Al >>>> I feel like I am obligated to be with her in some ways, but I don't >>>> know for sure that its going to work out. Al - You've painted a picture of exactly why it is you have to end things with her. You are not that into her. It's better to do it sooner rather than later OR she will just think you have strung her along. Angela > Al - > [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > Angela Hi Angela, Now the problem is that she is saying that shes in love with me and wants to convert to becoming a Catholic, to be more religious with me (shes a protestant). She crys on the phone if I don't want to see her because I'm tired and she seems like she really needs someone, but I just dont know. Shes talking about what I want for christmas and I told her I dont know. I feel like shes trying to rush me into this relationship. I guess maybe I could try and try to keep things few and far between with us so she doesnt try and get any more involved, and maybe she'll back off too. I'm just bad with that stuff. Al >Hi Angela, Angela's not available at the moment. You can bet she has her little butt planted somewhere watching Texas vs A&M. But Al, I'd advise you to do something drastic. If you're absolutely positively sure this is going nowhere, then don't be wishy washy with her. You'll be doing her a huge favor by being up front and letting her go. Be firm, not harsh, but leave no doubt. Until you do that, she's going to be hanging on every little thread of hope. I know it's not easy. But you have to do it for you AND for her. I wish there were some other way but there's not. M2 ... ps... and don't get yourself in this mess aGAIN. > Angela's not available at the moment. You can bet she has her little > butt planted somewhere watching Texas vs A&M. [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > M2 > ... ps... and don't get yourself in this mess aGAIN. Alright I am going to have to give this some thought and then decide what to do, but I just don't feel like I am that attracted to her and there are alot of things about her that really aggrevate me so I'm going to think about it. Al - if you had no already had sex with her would you still be with her? What is it about her that you like so much because if you were really and truly in love with her then you wouldn't have any doubts about it at all. In fact, you wouldn't even have time for this message board.. ya know? > Angela's not available at the moment. You can bet she has her little > butt planted somewhere watching Texas vs A&M. I completely missed that game! I'm glad I did because I heard Texas LOST which totally sucks the big one! So I hear that the A&M coach stepped down. I wonder why he waited so long to do THAT one. > But Al, I'd advise you to do something drastic. If you're absolutely > positively sure this is going nowhere, then don't be wishy washy with > her. You'll be doing her a huge favor by being up front and letting > her go. Be firm, not harsh, but leave no doubt. Until you do that, > she's going to be hanging on every little thread of hope. That's what I'm trying to tell Al too! It's clear that he doesn't love her and there is nothing wrong with that. You either do OR you don't. But whatever you do.. don't string the poor girl along and don't stay with her only because you feel sorry for her. > I know it's > not easy. But you have to do it for you AND for her. > I wish there were some other way but there's not. > > M2 > ... ps... and don't get yourself in this mess aGAIN. Seriously Al - I think you need to give dating a break. Angela Al - You are not even in love with her. It's clear that she is A LOT more into you than you are into her. I think you should end it before things get even more complicated. You are sending her mixed messages by sticking things out. Just my opinion, Angela :( > You are not even in love with her. It's clear that she is A LOT more into > you than you are into her. I think you should end it before things get [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > > Angela :( I know your right, I just don't want to do that right before christmas. I do feel sorry that I gave her herpes, thats for sure. I feel like I care about her feelings, but to tell you the truth we went out for a ride this past weekend and she was aggrevating me to no end. Just that she talks to loud and things like that. I don't feel as though I am in love with her. We have had good sex, but thats really where it seems to end. Don't stay with her because you feel sorry for her OR because it's Christmas. Do the right thing Al. You are stringing her along and that's not fair to hair. It's going to hurt her more if you are sending her mixed messages than if you were to do the right thing. Doing the right thing isn't always the easiest thing but as a grown up that's what we do! > I know your right, I just don't want to do that right before christmas. I > do feel sorry that I gave her herpes, thats for sure. I feel like I care > about her feelings, but to tell you the truth we went out for a ride this > past weekend and she was aggrevating me to no end. Just that she talks to > loud and things like that. I don't feel as though I am in love with her. > We have had good sex, but thats really where it seems to end. > Don't stay with her because you feel sorry for her OR because it's > Christmas. > > Do the right thing Al. You are stringing her along and that's not fair to > hair. I didn't hear Al say anywhere in his posts that she had particularly nice hair, but maybe that's why he can't tell her "no"! LOL, Angela :) When I saw that I had misspelled that word I knew somebody was going to have to jump all over THAT! lol How funny! Ok Al - did you break up w/her yet? Angela :P >> Don't stay with her because you feel sorry for her OR because it's >> Christmas. [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > hair, but maybe that's why he can't tell her "no"! > LOL, Angela :) > Ok Al - did you break up w/her yet? No I didnt yet, and on top of it she told me she bought me presents for Christmas...now what? I'm going Christmas shopping tomorrow and I havent gotten her a gift yet and I dont know if i should or not. This is just dragging out and the longer it drags out the worse off you will be when you finally do go through with it. She can take the presents back to the store! That's what gift receipts are for. Angela :( >> Ok Al - did you break up w/her yet? > > No I didnt yet, and on top of it she told me she bought me presents for > Christmas...now what? I'm going Christmas shopping tomorrow and I havent > gotten her a gift yet and I dont know if i should or not. |
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