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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Herpes / April 2007Advice PLEASE!!!
Hi everyone, Here's my situation: 2 yrs ago I met someone thru the internet (lavalife) and we hit it off very well, we dated for about 3 months--he seemed like such a nice guy--however after 3 months I found out that this person was lying to me about their age--by 10 yrs...I was 21 and they were 43 (I was told he was 33). I also figured that he was married or separated as he always talked about his "sister" and "neices and nephews"; I believe were really his kids...But what happened was that I told him I would come over to his house because I wanted to talk to him about something (rather than confront him in public--as it might get argumentative)-- after I went over and confronted him and told him things were over, he got so upset and seemed to change completely---to make a long story short, he ended up raping me--we had not done anything sexual while we were dating for the 3 months--he knew that I was waiting until I was married and had never been with anyone---and I thought that he really respected that as he never tried to make me do anything before. I found out a year later that I have herpes, and it can only be from him since i was never with anyone after. I have been very depressed for the past 2 yrs, there hasnt been a day i can remember where i didnt end it by crying to sleep--I feel like this person took something away from me--maybe to some people it doesn't matter, but it was important to me to wait till I was married, and having waited so long, I can't believe that it happened in such a horrible way, and I ended up with herpes on top of it all. I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to anyone about this and that person has gone on with their life like they didn't ruin mine...he tried to talk to me after, but I think mainly to see if I would tell on him, but I couldn't, I just felt so ashamed. Now its even worse because i can't talk to other men at all, I can't trust anyone and I feel like everyone will judge me if they know i have herpes and assume i have slept around or that i don't have any morals-- which is completely untrue. What have been other people's experiences when telling others about having herpes? Does anyone have any advice? I appreciate any comments, Thank you. Jeeeze... I wish I could offer some good adivce but I'm not even sure where to start. I'm thinking maybe the first thing to deal with is the psychological damage of the rape? Seems after that, Herpes would run a distant second. Aren't there support groups for rape victims? I have no clue but hopefully someone else will know. As far as Herpes goes, it can get to some people psychologically too if they let it. It's the stigma that's the real problem. Most times, the virus itself is not that big of a deal. And since it took a year for you to find out you were infected, I'm guessing your case is either pretty mild or asymptomatic. Yes/No? Anyhow, as far as telling, I generally don't mention it to new peeps until I know ahead of time what sort of reaction I'll get. Sometimes that takes awhile. Other times I'll know almost immediately. So frankly, I've never had an adverse reaction. In fact, I've had a couple of "me too"s. Once it's out of the way, the subject seldom comes up again. If they want to talk about it though, that's fine with me. As far as being ashamed, I dunno. I can't imagine any guy worth a flip holding either the rape or the herpes against you. Bad things happen to good people. Seems to me a simple thing to understand and accept. I know there are people in the world who may be blind to what's obvious to the rest of us, but at your age, you have your whole life in front of you and you'll meet all sorts of people, mostly good ones, along the way. Wish I could be of more help but I'm the technical sort I'm afraid. The emotional side of things are a bit beyond my forte. I wish the best for you though. Hopefully someone else will pop in here soon. M2 lava_girl_83 writes: >Hi everyone, >Here's my situation: [quoted text clipped - 38 lines] > >I appreciate any comments, Thank you. On Apr 12, 10:46 pm, M2slo2...@nospam.invalid wrote: > Jeeeze... I wish I could offer some good adivce but I'm not even sure > where to start. I'm thinking maybe the first thing to deal with is [quoted text clipped - 71 lines] > > >I appreciate any comments, Thank you. Thank you for the response M2--I really appreciate it--you're right, its not the symptoms of herpes that bother me at all--I actually have only had two outbreaks that consisted of one sore and I don't even need to take any medication to make it go away, so yeah it is pretty mild for me--but I guess I do need to get some emotional help-its getting really tough to keep up "appearance" like everything has been great in my life to family and friends---it feels a little better to share here and get a response from you--even anonymously---Thanks again! Also, does anyone know how prevalent it is to pass herpes to children during child birth? In case I want to have a family one day, how risky is it? lava_girl writes: >guess I do need to get some emotional help-its >getting really tough to keep up "appearance" like everything has been >great in my life to family and friends---it feels a little better to >share here and get a response from you--even anonymously It's funny, but sometimes it's easier to talk with someone you don't know, rather than a long time friend. Not that you can trust a stranger more but... who they gonna blab too? LoL! Another thing, depending on where you are, there are all sorts of groups.... some social, some support, some a combination of both... all over the place, especially in the USA. And they usually have a web presence, and usually with a message board. Places like Atlanta, Houston, Omaha (Yoshi'll prolly be along soon) south Florida, and the list goes on. Some have monthly get togethers for dinner, drinks, picnics, etc or just straight up support meetings. You can meet some of the most incredible friends that way. "Yahoo Groups" is a good place to look for those sorts of groups. >does anyone know how prevalent it is to pass herpes to children >during child birth? In case I want to have a family one day, how >risky is it? The risk would be pretty low for you. First, you and your doctor would be aware of your infection. That alone knocks the risk for a loop. Second, there are antivirals you can take up through delivery which reduce the risk of viral shedding. Third, unless you become infected during your last trimester (which is not your case), the baby will develop an immunity to the virus from the mother, at least long enough for delivery. And if that isn't enough, there's always C-section. Frankly, for most, it's not necessary. Anyhow, there are some mama's on here that'll be along sooner or later that can run all that and more past you. M2 Hey there, Sorry about your troubles. You've got a lot on your plate. So, I suggest dealing them head-on...but one at a time. First, rape is bad. You should report him. He'll just figure it's okay to do that to the next girl. I would assume I would feel rather impowered after taking back MY power. He did take something from you, and you deserve to get your self-respect back. Herpes is no big deal unless people make it a big deal. I was 20--having waited until then to fall in love and experience sex. So, yeah, I got it from my first lover. Certainly not the same situation you are in, but a cousin of it. It was pretty difficult to deal with it at the time...and it took a very long while for me to get over it. But since I couldn't take it back, I had to learn to live with it. Good luck to you. ar > Hi everyone, > [quoted text clipped - 40 lines] > > I appreciate any comments, Thank you. > Hey there, > [quoted text clipped - 67 lines] > > > I appreciate any comments, Thank you. Thank you all for your responses, they really do mean a lot to me!--I know everyone is telling me to go to the police, but its been 2 years now--and that person is very well off financially, while I am not--and I cant possibly afford the kind of lawyer he can--not to mention he can be very manipulative--he managed to fool me into thinking he was 10 yrs younger than he really was for 3 months--maybe I was just too naive, but that's pretty damn good acting---and although I don't have anything in my past to question my reputation, I doubt I can convince anyone about him as to all outward appearances he seems like an upstanding guy--I often wish that he could pay for this someway, I just hope karma is for real... Thanks again to everyone... Hi Lava girl, I know you think your post is giving reasons why you can't go to the police. But they sound more like excuses. That doesn't mean they aren't valid. But why should he be able to do that to you? Why? There is no reason. I say, go to the police. It doesn't matter if it was two years ago or not. ar >> Hey there, >> [quoted text clipped - 84 lines] > > Thanks again to everyone... |
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