 |
 | Home | Contact Us | FAQ | Search & Site Map | Link to Us |
 | Sign In | Join | Other 45 Sites in Network |
Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Herpes / July 2006Dating a new woman without herpes
Hi all, I know I am slightly a veteran as far as having herpes and dealing with it in some ways, but I still get nervous about certain things. Last night I was talking to this woman on an online dating site. Shes from the same city I am, and she seems really nice. I found out she went to the same high school I went to and she is well known in the community, and her sister is married to a cop and he knows alot of people, well to make a long story short, she knows almost everyone in my state it seems. I have yet to meet and go on a date with her, and we are planning on driving down to the beach this weekend as our first date, and getting some seafood etc. She sounds like she has all the same things in common with me. I havent yet told her I have herpes, and I would wait until it was time, but knowing she knows everyone in the state, that scares me a little. Talk about being a "herpes heroe"! I will definitly tell her if it gets to that part, but I am nervous about it. Al Hi Al, Yeah, that's scary. Here's the thing...Look at this as a real relationship and not just a port to stop in. :) You seem to go through women rather quickly. Just wait this one out. That way, if you end up feeling this relationship is going somewhere special, when you tell, you will have built up some trust with this woman and she is more likely to keep your information secret. ar > Hi all, > [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > > Al > Here's the thing...Look at this as a real relationship and not just a port > to stop in. :) You seem to go through women rather quickly. Just wait > this one out. That way, if you end up feeling this relationship is going > somewhere special, when you tell, you will have built up some trust with > this woman and she is more likely to keep your information secret. Thanks Ar, well thats true that she could end up being a real relationship, because I think thats what she is looking for also. Its just that suppose she gets a little carried away early and we end up getting to the point of sex before too long? On average most people seem to like to wait 2-3 weeks before engaging in sex from my experience. I am not sure thats enough time to really build alot of trust, but I guess I will have to feel it out. I'm 40, shes 41 and shes divorced and has two children from the past marriage. She seems to have alot in common with me so I am excited about getting to know her, just nervous about the herpes talk. I bought a book recently called Talking About Herpes written by Dr. Ruth, so I'm going to look at that when I have a chance. I also decided that I'm going to start attending Herpes Support meetings in Rhode Island so I can get talking to others with it and maybe that will ease my nervousness about talking about it to dates. I'm usually not too bad about talking about it, but sometimes depending on the person you talk to it could be a little different. Al Hey Al, Um...you could just say "no," you know. Tell her you want to wait. Life isn't THAT complicated. :) A support group would be a good idea. ar >> Here's the thing...Look at this as a real relationship and not just a >> port [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > > Al > Hey Al, > > Um...you could just say "no," you know. Tell her you want to wait. Life > isn't THAT complicated. :) Yes that is true, I guess that would solve some of it. I guess I have been thinking about herpes more this week because I just had an outbreak and thats when I start getting active in the herpes related things again. Al >Hi all, >I know I am slightly a veteran as far as having herpes and dealing with >it in some ways, but I still get nervous about certain things. Last [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] >make a long story short, she knows almost everyone in my state it >seems. She knows a lot of people with herpes, then. ;-) >I have yet to meet and go on a date with her, and we are planning on >driving down to the beach this weekend as our first date, and getting [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >little. Talk about being a "herpes heroe"! I will definitly tell her if >it gets to that part, but I am nervous about it. I wouldn't worry at all about the lady telling everyone in the state about you. It would take a rather small-minded person to hang you out on the line like that. No, the scary part is that you really get to like her and then she decides that she can't get past the virus. But you can't ever get to THAT part if you never open yourself to the possibility of rejection. All my personal experience, and most of the experiences of others that I've read or heard about, fall onto the positive side of the outcome line. People are very often nicer than we fear they are going to be, and quite often this, our own virus thing, is bigger in our own heads than it is in the heads of others. Take care and Good Luck!!! Mike > I wouldn't worry at all about the lady telling everyone in the state > about you. It would take a rather small-minded person to hang you out [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > > Mike Hi Mike! Long time no see. I guess you've been busy with that new girfriend of yours :o) I guess thats true, in fact because we all have herpes and hpv, we are pretty much experts on the subject and know alot about the virus. The people I tell about my situation often say something like "Herpes, I heard of that, but I really don't know what it is". Hpv, they know about even less. I think we make it out to be more because we read the books on it, go to support groups and live with it, but everyone else just knows its out there and thats it. I'm still worried about rejection, but its something you have to live with. If I didnt tell someone I had it and was selfish just to get sex, I would be taking away their choices and that would be alot worse. Al >> I wouldn't worry at all about the lady telling everyone in the state >> about you. It would take a rather small-minded person to hang you out >> on the line like that. >> No, the scary part is that you really get to like her and then she >> decides that she can't get past the virus. But you can't ever get to >> THAT part if you never open yourself to the possibility of rejection. >> All my personal experience, and most of the experiences of others that >> I've read or heard about, fall onto the positive side of the outcome >> line. People are very often nicer than we fear they are going to be, >> and quite often this, our own virus thing, is bigger in our own heads >> than it is in the heads of others. >> Take care and Good Luck!!! >Hi Mike! Long time no see. I guess you've been busy with that new >girfriend of yours :o) I'm not sure that sixteen months counts for "new", but yes, I've been busy being busy and happy, thanks for asking. >I guess thats true, in fact because we all have herpes and hpv, we are >pretty much experts on the subject and know alot about the virus. The [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >books on it, go to support groups and live with it, but everyone else >just knows its out there and thats it. >I'm still worried about rejection, but its something you have to live >with. If I didnt tell someone I had it and was selfish just to get sex, >I would be taking away their choices and that would be alot worse. And you wouldn't like yourself in the morning, because you know that there is a right and a wrong to things, and that not telling is wrong. But you also know that relationships can and do fail for thousands of reasons. How many relationships did you save you've had? Not all of them were meant to be short and sweet, were they? The thing about HSV, if it becomes an issue, is that you can point to it and say, "Oh, oh, it was the HSV", whereas with many of the other things that kill relationships the straw that broke the camel's back isn't so readily identifiable in the pile on the floor. So to speak. Speaking of rejection, I always figured myself worse off than most people, because I would tie myself in knots before I asked someone out, and that was YEARS before I knew anything about HSV. To this day, I think I would rather tell someone I have HSV than open myself up to a deeper, emotional rejection by revealing that I'm interested enough in them to date them. A rejection for having HSV says nothing about me personally, but being laughed at just for asking for a date, yeesh. Anyway, there's no way around it. Finding love is all about opening up to someone. If you do it well, they'll like you all the more for it. Good luck, Mike > Speaking of rejection, I always figured myself worse off than most > people, because I would tie myself in knots before I asked someone [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > up to someone. If you do it well, they'll like you all the more for > it. Ah...one of the reasons I've missed you so much! :) I fear rejection but not from the herpes. Like you said, that isn't personal. That's just a thing that someone else doesn't want. Okay, I can't argue with that. But what really hurts is the rejection that is very personal. And I get enough of that. Herpes ain't nothing but a little thing. ar >> Speaking of rejection, I always figured myself worse off than most >> people, because I would tie myself in knots before I asked someone [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] >> about me personally, but being laughed at just for asking for a date, >> yeesh. >> Anyway, there's no way around it. Finding love is all about opening >> up to someone. If you do it well, they'll like you all the more for >> it. >Ah...one of the reasons I've missed you so much! :) I fear rejection but >not from the herpes. Like you said, that isn't personal. That's just a >thing that someone else doesn't want. Okay, I can't argue with that. But >what really hurts is the rejection that is very personal. And I get enough >of that. Herpes ain't nothing but a little thing. I've always marvelled at the way you endure the things you do, and all the while with a pleasant disposition and positive outlook. I know how frustrated you must be, but you never seem to let the bitterness creep in. Young Eric has his claims concerning the prejudices of the women of the world, but it's the men of the world who have the harsher prejudices about what they view as "attractive". Women may have an alleged laundry list of things they want in a man, but what men want often comes down to a very few things, most notably youth and sex appeal. Anything that complicates that view is often quickly written off. I know you've come, somewhat, to terms with things, Ar, but I continue to believe that there is someone out there for you. And herpes ain't nothing but a little thing. Take care, Mike Hi Mike!! > I've always marvelled at the way you endure the things you do, and all > the while with a pleasant disposition and positive outlook. I know > how frustrated you must be, but you never seem to let the bitterness > creep in. You're so sweet. :) And sarcastic! I love that about you. I work so hard to not be bitter and just enjoy. It's getting easier, by the way. Though, my pain level is up and so is my weakness. That's par for the course at my age, though. However, you have done the same--learned to just enjoy what life tosses to you. Laugh. > Young Eric has his claims concerning the prejudices of the women of > the world, but it's the men of the world who have the harsher [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > appeal. Anything that complicates that view is often quickly written > off. Of course I agree with you about men being harsher! I was just contacted by a new person from MPWH looking for a slim, attractive woman. Do they not know how stupid they sound? And like most of the men I've been contacted by, he is much older than me and his profile says he is not interested in dating anyone near his own age. What's up with that? Oh, that youth thing, of course. Must be young, nubile, and pretty. Must look good in an evening gown and also comfortable when hiking mountains. I tell you, Young Eric should read some of the men's profiles to get an idea of just how bad it is out there. It is not often a woman dumps her husband of ten years for a younger man. But how often does that happen to women? A woman gives up her career to raise the man's children, then when she is out of shape because of it, and carrying extra weight from all the babies, he finds himself a woman half his age and dumps his wife. > I know you've come, somewhat, to terms with things, Ar, but I continue > to believe that there is someone out there for you. I believe that, too, Mike. I've been very fortunate, I think. My ex and I are still great friends and take care of each other. I would like to find that super-duper romantic relationship, but I think what was more important for me was to learn to like myself and to learn to enjoy my life. I don't need to have a man in my life to do that. It was good learning that lesson. > And herpes ain't nothing but a little thing. Amen. ar Mike!!!! I've missed you!!!! ar > Mike!!!! I've missed you!!!! > > ar There seems to be a few regulars missing, but some are still here and thats good. I've been here pretty much and seen Mike S., M2, Angela, Ar, Eric and Tim, but not Drew or Perl Molson. >Mike!!!! I've missed you!!!! Ar!!! I've missed me, too!!! You've been doing a swell job around here, I must say. Such tact. Such diplomacy. I wonder how you do keep on. But I'm certainly glad you do. And I forgot how time consuming this is. Four posts and it's WAY past my bed time. More as time permits. Take care, Mike > Ar!!! I've missed me, too!!! > [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > And I forgot how time consuming this is. Four posts and it's WAY past > my bed time. A labor of love, I suppose. But my time runs short as well. Take care, ar > No, the scary part is that you really get to like her and then she > decides that she can't get past the virus. But you can't ever get to > THAT part if you never open yourself to the possibility of rejection. I don't understand this at all. How can you never open yourself to the possibility of rejection? The only way I can figure to do that is to not tell anybody anything. But you seem to be saying to open yourself up for rejection. Once again I'm confused. I don't know that opening yourself up to be hurt is ever good either. Maybe you can clarify for me? ~Eric >> No, the scary part is that you really get to like her and then she >> decides that she can't get past the virus. But you can't ever get to >> THAT part if you never open yourself to the possibility of rejection. >I don't understand this at all. How can you never open yourself to the >possibility of rejection? The only way I can figure to do that is to >not tell anybody anything. But you seem to be saying to open yourself >up for rejection. Once again I'm confused. I don't know that opening >yourself up to be hurt is ever good either. Maybe you can clarify for >me? You can be "rejected" for all kinds of reasons. Whether you realize it or not, with HSV or without it, attempting to enter into any kind of relationship opens you up to one form of possible rejection or another. And even after you've gotten yourself into a comfortable relationship, it doesn't stop. When you get down on your knee before some girl some day, with a sparkling half-carat diamond in your shaking paw, you just might wonder for a millisecond or two what her answer is gonna be. If you're looking for love, Eric, it's about opening yourself up to someone in all kinds of ways. Some people play it more carefully than others, taking longer to really show themselves, but in the end you are always offering yourself to someone who may very well decide that you aren't the one. An interesting thing is: It might very well be more important how you *deal* with having HSV than with the little fact that you do have it. As I and others have said before, life is going to throw lots of other things at you besides HSV, and many of them won't be so forgiving and/or benign, and HOW you learn to deal with them will be a direct reflection of your character, and it is THAT content of YOUR character that will make or break or otherwise define your relationships. So, be strong, and get on with life. And open yourself up to all the possibilities. Mike > You can be "rejected" for all kinds of reasons. Whether you realize > it or not, with HSV or without it, attempting to enter into any kind [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > shaking paw, you just might wonder for a millisecond or two what her > answer is gonna be. Of course I can be rejected for all kinds of reasons. But this is just increasing the probability to like 99.9% that I will be rejected! Ok? Yes, life is uncertain and one can never know when one will be rejected or fail, but having this virtually guarantees rejection and me never being able to have sex. > If you're looking for love, Eric, it's about opening yourself up to > someone in all kinds of ways. Some people play it more carefully than > others, taking longer to really show themselves, but in the end you > are always offering yourself to someone who may very well decide that > you aren't the one. What you just said is totally irrelevent to what I am talking about. My thesis is that women now have just another thing to reject me on. I understand that I could be potentially rejected at anytime for any OTHER reason. But you need to think in terms of probabilities..ok? My probability of rejections has just increased to like 99.9%. The other reasons have just become negligible, except for money of course..LOL :-) > An interesting thing is: It might very well be more important how you > *deal* with having HSV than with the little fact that you do have it. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > reflection of your character, and it is THAT content of YOUR character > that will make or break or otherwise define your relationships. Ok, now this is just silly. I suppose if I deal with it in a "happy" way and go around strutting and telling everyone "I have herpes" happily it's really going to change the transmission ratios and risks and stigma in other people eyes. You need to understand that there are certain things outside of your control and regardless of what attitude you take towards them, they are still going to bring about a specific consequence anyway. Attitude cannot change fact and reality! > So, be strong, and get on with life. And open yourself up to all the > possibilities. How about you offer some possibilities here. ~Eric >> You can be "rejected" for all kinds of reasons. Whether you realize >> it or not, with HSV or without it, attempting to enter into any kind [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] >> shaking paw, you just might wonder for a millisecond or two what her >> answer is gonna be. >Of course I can be rejected for all kinds of reasons. But this is just >increasing the probability to like 99.9% that I will be rejected! Ok? Not at all. Me, personally, I always pegged the possibility of rejection at somewhere over 50% anyway. Add on the HSV and it creeps a *little* higher, but then you get to subtract a bit for the sympathy factor, subtract some more for the possibility that the other person already has HSV, too, subtract some more for the admiration you'll enjoy for being open and honest, and subtract some more for the inherit desperation of people to have sex (LOL?) and you're back to around where you started. All in all, with the right attitude about HSV, having it is NOT going to seriously negatively affect you personal relationship life. >Yes, life is uncertain and one can never know when one will be rejected >or fail, but having this virtually guarantees rejection and me never >being able to have sex. You're wrong. But you can "virtually" guarantee you'll never have sex if you don't open yourself up to the possibility of rejection. If you give up without even trying, of course you'll fail. But in the real world, HSV1 is "virtually" nothing, and if you are sincere and honest and use those attributes in the pursuit of others who share your values, then you will find that you are almost never rejected. >> If you're looking for love, Eric, it's about opening yourself up to >> someone in all kinds of ways. Some people play it more carefully than >> others, taking longer to really show themselves, but in the end you >> are always offering yourself to someone who may very well decide that >> you aren't the one. >What you just said is totally irrelevent to what I am talking about. My >thesis is that women now have just another thing to reject me on. I [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >reasons have just become negligible, except for money of course..LOL >:-) Your number is ridiculous. If you take the time to get to know 1000 women, something like 500 of them will already be HSV1 carriers. And that's a conservative estimate. Are you claiming that you'd only be able to talk one of them into being "spontaneous" with you? Ridiculous. >> An interesting thing is: It might very well be more important how you >> *deal* with having HSV than with the little fact that you do have it. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >> reflection of your character, and it is THAT content of YOUR character >> that will make or break or otherwise define your relationships. >Ok, now this is just silly. I suppose if I deal with it in a "happy" >way and go around strutting and telling everyone "I have herpes" >happily it's really going to change the transmission ratios and risks >and stigma in other people eyes. How ELSE do you think one changes something like "stigma"? Stigma isn't written in stone, but is ephemeral, and can be rewritten by people who don't give a fig for it. The transmission ratios and risks don't change, but then, relatively speaking, HSV isn't the really big deal that you're tying to make it. If you want to ACT like it's a big deal before you KNOW whether the women you're interested in think it's a big deal or not, that's your business, but most people I know who've had the thing for a number of years have found it to NOT be a big deal. > You need to understand that there are >certain things outside of your control and regardless of what attitude >you take towards them, they are still going to bring about a specific >consequence anyway. Attitude cannot change fact and reality! >> So, be strong, and get on with life. And open yourself up to all the >> possibilities. >How about you offer some possibilities here. Go out and meet some girls. The possibilities are endless. Take care, Mike Mike, Thanks for your replies! Mine are scattered below: > Not at all. Me, personally, I always pegged the possibility of > rejection at somewhere over 50% anyway. Add on the HSV and it creeps [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > inherit desperation of people to have sex (LOL?) and you're back to > around where you started. Ok, in creeps the "fuzzy math" that Dubya always talked about..LOL ;-) A *little* higher? Maybe in your age bracket and socioeconomic status, but that's a different story. Sympathy factor? As in sympathy for the belief that I am a promiscuous person who must have slept with lots of dirty women to get this? I don't know how much sympathy is out there when there is a stigma like that. Admiration for being honest? Ok this is totally ruined by the ignorance surrounding HSV. As soon as the word "herpes" resounds, I don't know if people really associate that with being told that as "admirable". Inherent desperation to have sex? I think the person who's getting desperate here is me..LOL > All in all, with the right attitude about HSV, having it is NOT going > to seriously negatively affect you personal relationship life. I'm not too sure about this at all. > You're wrong. But you can "virtually" guarantee you'll never have sex > if you don't open yourself up to the possibility of rejection. If you > give up without even trying, of course you'll fail. I never said I'll give up without trying..I said I just won't succeed because of this. I'm sure I'll be trying still when, God willing, I reach the nursing home..LOL! "Oh nurse.." LOL! > But in the real world, HSV1 is "virtually" nothing, and if you are > sincere and honest and use those attributes in the pursuit of others > who share your values, then you will find that you are almost never > rejected. Sincerity and honesty are important. I understand that. But they are completely divoriced from the issue of herpes! People can see and evaluate my honesty and sincerity but they also have to consider that I have herpes in light of the stigma associated with it and the ignorance surrounding the disease, separately. > Your number is ridiculous. If you take the time to get to know 1000 > women, something like 500 of them will already be HSV1 carriers. And > that's a conservative estimate. Are you claiming that you'd only be > able to talk one of them into being "spontaneous" with you? > Ridiculous. Of course it's sort of ridiculous..it's tough to get humor across on here. I think there's going to be a lot more than 500 women, more like 600-900 women. The spontaneity gets killed by herpes..you can't argue with that. Sexual spontaneity now totally yields to protecting the girl from this IF of course she even wants to be intimate anyway. And we already know that isn't likely happening. > How ELSE do you think one changes something like "stigma"? Stigma > isn't written in stone, but is ephemeral, and can be rewritten by [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > had the thing for a number of years have found it to NOT be a big > deal. Not by simply saying well I'll be "happy" about this and "my attitude alone will fix this". Education can erode the stigma. Ephemeral? I don't know about that..I think it was just as taboo in the 1950s as it is now really. Physically this is no sweat really. Psychologically and socially this is devastating, period. Not everything is just going to get better regardless of what one's attitude is about it. ~Eric <hitting the high/low points, approaching bedtime snips> >I never said I'll give up without trying..I said I just won't succeed >because of this. I'm sure I'll be trying still when, God willing, I >reach the nursing home..LOL! "Oh nurse.." LOL! You'll find HSV is less a barrier than a closed mind is. I predict you'll have sex before you turn thirty. [...] >Sincerity and honesty are important. I understand that. But they are >completely divoriced from the issue of herpes! People can see and >evaluate my honesty and sincerity but they also have to consider that I >have herpes in light of the stigma associated with it and the ignorance >surrounding the disease, separately. Yuh, and the stigma itself is a product of the ignorance that surrounds the issue. If you want to let yourself be constrained by other people's ignorance, that's up to you, of course, but if you'd rather take the enlightened stance and carry on with the attitude that HSV is generally a mildly annoying skin disease (which it generally is) then you just might find the stigma you imagined was going to be such a controlling factor in your life just sort of disappears. (You might try reading about stigmas in general. I read something decades ago on the subject, and it's fascinating how things evolve into what we term stigmas. Fear and hate out of virtually nothing. But it doesn't have to be. Look it up.) At the least, you've got to admit that scores of millions of other people in exactly the same situation as you sort of mitigates all the doom and gloom you keep laying out for yourself. Certainly you're not averse to dating women with herpes, are you? Over and out. My computer time is intermittant. I might be back Wed or Thurs. Happy Independence Day, everyone. Mike > At the least, you've got to admit that scores of millions of other > people in exactly the same situation as you sort of mitigates all the > doom and gloom you keep laying out for yourself. Certainly you're not > averse to dating women with herpes, are you? This is probably something that Eric should consider such as www.mpwh.com etc. I really only dated one woman that had genital herpes that I was aware of, oh except the person that gave me herpes :o( I met alot of women from herpes sites, but no one was someone I could see myself dating other than that woman mentioned above. Either way Eric, you're going to find someone. I think these days people are starting to get away from the herpes stigmas. It was very bad when I was having major outbreaks a year and a half ago, but now things have mostly calmed down and its not a big deal really, just a minor annoyance. Since I've been back on the prednisone for my bronchitis I am getting alot of outbreaks again, but luckily they are mild in pain and severity, a little itching and slight red bumps in the usual place, just frequent thats it. But you know what? Its not stopping me! I had a date today, outbreak and all, and no one knew. :o) Al |
Reply to this Message |
 Sign In
 Join
 My Latest Posts My Monitored Threads My Blog My Photo Gallery My Profile My Homepage Start New Thread Enable EMail Alerts Rate this Thread
|
©2008 Advenet LLC Privacy Policy - Terms of Use
This website includes both content owned or controlled by Advenet as well as content owned or controlled by third parties.