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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Herpes / June 2006New Member
Hello Everyone, I was diagnosed in late April. My first outbreat was horrible - very painful physically and emotionally. I'm still not feeling great. I've been doing internet research but I think this is confusing me even more. In addition to the confustion I'm scared, angry, embarrased. I'm in my 50's and cannot believe this has happened at this point in my life. I'd appreciate any help/support. You are certainly not alone! Be sure and check out the SSNA because I think I posted a brand new 50's group on there... it's either here: http://www.yoshi2me.com/herpes-hpv-ssna.html OR here: http://www.yoshi2me.com/link-exchange.html -- I couldn't remember which page I placed my link back. I may have even placed a link back here: http://www.yoshi2me.com/pup/resources.html Don't hesitate to ask questions here and please know that you are not alone, k? *Hugs* Angela :)  SignatureHerpes Help http://www.yoshi2me.com/index.html STD Message Board http://yoshi2me.com/phpbb/index.php Picking Up the Pieces http://yoshi2me.com/pup/index.html > Hello Everyone, > I was diagnosed in late April. My first outbreat was horrible - very [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > in my 50's and cannot believe this has happened at this point in my > life. I'd appreciate any help/support. You've come to the right place for help and support. I'm sorry about your recent diagnosis. It must be awful to have to deal with this NOW in your life. Of course, I got mine when I was 20. So, just different ends of the spectrum, I suppose. The internet can be very confusing. I suggest you ask your questions here. We've pretty much weeded out the garbage of bad info. Let us know what your questions are. I see that Yoshi has responded to you. I haven't read her post yet but she generally posts some great links to accurate information. Take care, ar > Hello Everyone, > I was diagnosed in late April. My first outbreat was horrible - very [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > in my 50's and cannot believe this has happened at this point in my > life. I'd appreciate any help/support. Thanks Angela and Grant. It's such a relief to know that I can discuss things freely here and that I have support. I have applied to the over 50's agoup and am awaiting acceptance. I think I will find that group very helpful. For now, I am very apprehensive about future outbreaks. I understand that that subsequent outbreaks should not be as severe as the first one but I am dreading an outbread even 1/4 as bad. My partner (who I got the virus from) was unaware he had it. What does this mean for future sexual activity whit him? How will we know when he has an outbreak? Thanks again, you guys are great. R Well, as you already have it now, you really don't need to worry about when he might be having outbreaks. Obviously he feels nothing or shows no outward sign. There's not much he can do about that. Yes, further outbreaks might not be as bad. But they may be bad for a year or so. It really depends on you and your immune system. I suggest a healthy lifestyle with lots of rest and exercise and eating right in order to help your body fight the virus. There are also a few different antivirals out there. Talk to your doctor about them. You should have a prescription. Start taking them the minute you feel an outbreak coming on. They will really help lessen the intensity and duration of the outbreak. I have never used the meds, but that is what I understand from the people who do. Take care, ar > Thanks Angela and Grant. It's such a relief to know that I can discuss > things freely here and that I have support. I have applied to the over [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > Thanks again, you guys are great. > R Thanks again, Grant. This may sound like a stupid question but I need to ask it. What do you mean by 'feel an outbreak coming on'? What will I feel? How will I know? R > Well, as you already have it now, you really don't need to worry about when > he might be having outbreaks. Obviously he feels nothing or shows no [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] > > Thanks again, you guys are great. > > R That's not a stupid question at all. There are a couple of standard ways people know they have an outbreak getting ready to happen. This early warning is called prodrome. Here's some info I copied off the internet for you: Signs of an Oncoming Outbreak: Prodrome The state or set of symptoms that precede a Herpes outbreak is called "prodrome." The first sign of an upcoming occurrence, prodrome can occur from 30 minutes to a few days prior to an outbreak. Prodrome may include tingling, itching, and/or burning sensations at the site of impending outbreak, and/or shooting pains, numbness, aches, or other sensations in the lower back, buttocks, or thighs (in genital infections). Other possible symptoms are fever, headaches, soreness, and swollen lymph nodes. Prodrome may also include an onset of listlessness and irritability, as well as increased sensitivity to environmental factors. When these symptoms are present, the Herpes Virus is active and risk of transmission is high. Some people feel a few or many of the above Prodrome sensations from time to time without having full-blown outbreaks or any visible signs. Again, even though there may be no visible symptoms, the virus is active at these times, and precautions should be taken to avoid transmission. Others have some or all of these symptoms, with or without outbreaks, or after outbreaks, that last for days, weeks, or months in some cases. This is called Post-Herpetic Neuralgia. Hi, me again. As my early warning, I get neuralgia. They say that's supposed to happen after the outbreak but for me, it happens first. My neuralgia is pretty painful. But lately, I notice I get a sensitivity on the bottom of one of my feet that alerts me to an oncoming outbreak. ar Tangerine, I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis. You definitely aren't alone! Hang in there! I'm sure you've already read that your first outbreak is almost always the worst outbreak you'll ever have. Did they type the virus? Type-1 tends to be much milder genitally than type-2, and 40% of all people with genital HSV-1 get no other ob's after their initial, 50% get 1-2 ob's over the next 1-2 years and then none, and only about 10% get more outbreaks than that. Since 60-90% of all people have type-1 and 20-25% of all people have type-2, it would be very helpful to find out which type you have so you can be more informed if you choose to disclose to partners. Type-2 can be just as mild if you have that though, but there is a much greater range of frequency and severity of outbreaks. For either type, you can take Valtrex to either suppress outbreaks or to treat them when they begin to occur. As an aside, I wouldn't rely too much on Angela for support. She was rude and cursed at me because I have been hesitant to disclose my type-1 because I don't know where my infection is located. I don't think she's very supportive of people with type-1 because she herself has type-2, but maybe you'll come to a different conclusion than me. Hang in there! ~Eric > Hello Everyone, > I was diagnosed in late April. My first outbreat was horrible - very [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > in my 50's and cannot believe this has happened at this point in my > life. I'd appreciate any help/support. Hi Erik, I have type 1 genital herpes. I must admit, I have met with some...bias against people with type 1. Some type 2s tend to believe we have it so easy and that whatever we have to say on herpes should be ignored because we don't REALLY know how it must be for them. I have had people in this group try to discredit me because I have type 1. However, my type 1 genital herpes knocked me off my feet and kept me in bed for a long time because my outbreaks were so severe. And we all know the emotional and psychological toll is the same, whether we have type 1 or type 2. I've been with this group for well over a decade and I apologize if you've received any negative treatment from the people here in this group. It's a very strange thing when we herpes sufferers actually turn against each other. How can we expect to forge understanding and compassion from those who don't have it if we have to deal with it against ourselves? Anyone who believes type 1s don't deserve the same consideration as type 2s is just plain incorrect. However, that being said, because we are trying to forge alliances amongst ourselves, I humbly request you refrain from speaking negatively about another member of this group. An open discussion about the problem would be welcome. That way we can dispell the misunderstandings each of us might have. I would welcome a chance to work with you to help type 2s understand it doesn't matter if it is type 1 or 2...it's still herpes and that comes with pain, embarrassment, and relationship issues. Take care, ar Hi ar, I'm glad I found you because I might be asking you a lot of questions :-) I have encountered exactly what you mentioned with type-2's thinking that we type-1's somehow get off easier. There's no need to apologize--I'm brand new to this group and I think it will be much more supportive than some other groups out there. I agree with you that we can't afford to turn on each other. I am just new to this and I can't believe the lack of consideration of a few people with type-2 against us type-1 sufferers. In spite of this, I would love nothing more than to work with you to try to try to dispel misunderstandings and misconceptions of herpes type-1, and in spite of past mistreatments, I'm not here to negatively criticize other members. I only hope to be able to work to put hsv-1 in a new light, even among long-time herpes supporters and patient advocates who too often are either consciously or subconsciously disparaging of us type-1 sufferers. Thank you, ~Eric > Hi Erik, > [quoted text clipped - 27 lines] > Take care, > ar Thanks, Grant and Eric. I have type-2, that much I know. I was on Valtrex for 10 days. I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow and will ask about continuing on a low dose of the medication. Any thoughts on that? R > Hi ar, > [quoted text clipped - 50 lines] > > Take care, > > ar Hi Tangerine, It's really up to you. Back when I got herpes, the meds weren't available, so I just really never used them. Others find them to be a great comfort. They appear to be rather safe with minimal side effects. See what the doctor says. You may want to get yourself a prescription and then hang on to it and see if you really need it. But at least you'll have it in case you do. ar > Thanks, Grant and Eric. I have type-2, that much I know. I was on > Valtrex for 10 days. I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow and > will ask about continuing on a low dose of the medication. Any thoughts > on that? > R GREAT, Erik! Glad to have you here. Ah...college...yes, I was 20 when I got my herpes--from my first lover. Oh goody. So glad I waited so long to have sex! Hahahaha. Oh well. I must say it was a bit scary getting divorced after 17 years with one person and then suddenly being single with herpes at age 40. But this is what I have been given and now I'm making the best of it. Take care, ar Hello Eric ~ First of all ~ it's extremely irresponsible and immature to continue your attempts at bashing me on the internet. I've been around a lot longer (since 1997) than you and everybody that knows me knows enough to know that I am a strong patient advocate when it comes to sexually transmitted diseases - and especially Herpes. Everybody that knows me well also knows that I do not condone purposefully keeping information from a potential partner. Your description as to how I reacted to you is a bit over the top but that's to be expected I guess since you were indeed banned from participating further on Picking Up the Pieces. So, I understand your need to be pitiful and angry.. taking responsibility it a big adult step for you so it's understandable that you would act this way. Angela SignatureHerpes Help http://www.yoshi2me.com/index.html STD Message Board http://yoshi2me.com/phpbb/index.php Picking Up the Pieces http://yoshi2me.com/pup/index.html > As an aside, I wouldn't rely too much on Angela for support. She was > rude and cursed at me because I have been hesitant to disclose my [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > ~Eric Angela, You apparently did not read the last post by Grant where the point is raised about people with herpes "turning against one another" as well as people with hsv-2 viewing those with hsv-1 in a completely different light, nor did you read my reply about not negatively attacking people on here. I am not here to argue with you, I'm here to offer support and get support. I have no idea why you continue to have no respect for me because I have type-1 instead of type-2 which you have. Your comment about the "big adult step" isn't very supportive is it? Just because I have a different type than you and because I hold different opinions than you, you feel the shameless need to demonize me and personally attack me. And you do this under the guise of being a "herpes patient advocate". Tell me what is required to get the title of a "patient advocate"? I don't know what if any educational background is necessary, but doesn't it make sense that the person would be a positive, open-minded, tolerant, compassionate, and supportive person willing to help both physically and emotionally hurting people? How does continuing to personally attack someone with the same affliction you have (yes, we hsv-1 people suffer physically and emotionally just as much as hsv-2 people do) fit into the job description of a "herpes patient advocate"? Perhaps you should change it to "hsv-2 patient advocate".. I am aware that you have been involved in herpes support groups for several years and I think your intentions to help the hsv-2 crowd are admirable. But I think you have some long-standing misconceptions and misunderstandings about hsv-1, and I would love nothing more than to work with you, in a POSITIVE way, to help you understand how to also be supportive of people with type-1 as well. I repeat, we suffer emotionally and physically just as much as you do. Please, let's put aside our differences and I will do everything I can to work with you to erase the prejudicial and extremely hurtful views against the genital hsv-1 minority crowd. I want to work with you you to make a difference, we shouldn't be turning on each other. Have a good day! ~Eric > Hello Eric ~ > [quoted text clipped - 33 lines] > > > > ~Eric Hi Eric, From what Angela wrote, she said nothing about type 1 and 2. But instead, she mentioned you don't believe you have to disclose your herpes status to potential partners. Is that true? If it is, you will find little support in this group. I would like to discuss this issue and see what the truth is. Perhaps we can work on a few misconceptions you might have before we tackle the HSV community in general. ar Grant, I think personally that there are some practical and humanistic reasons to disclose hsv-1. I personally agree with Dr. H and I don't believe that people with hsv-1 have an ethical decision to disclose to their partners based on the fact that the vast majority of the population already has type-1 and the vast majority is transmitted in a non-sexual manner. But I repeat, I think there are certainly practical and humanistic reasons to tell a potential partner, in particular because if you love them you won't want to hurt them. I personally find it impossible to tell a partner, "I have herpes", "I'm still a virgin", and I have no idea where it is located so I don't know what I can and cannot do with you and not have them think I am either a liar or promiscuous, both of which will preclude any type of relationship.. Because I haven't immediately said in a knee-jerk manner "I will tell everyone" of something my doctor hasn't even diagnosed the location of yet, some "patient advocates" have comdemned me as "having no respect for myself or for anyone else". Instead, I prefer to read about it, get different physician's opinions, and form my OWN conclusion..I'm smart enough to do that I think.. Based on frequency, severity, shedding data, etc., I think everyone with hsv-2 should disclose hsv-2 to their partners. I think we can move on to tackle her misconceptions now.. ~Eric > Hi Eric, > [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > > ar Hi Eric, I'll be honest with you. I have sometimes thought about downplaying my genital type 1 or even not mentioning it. I think it is honest to say many people with herpes will fantasize about that! :) But, then I think about the consequences. So, let's talk about you. Let's say you have oral type 1. And you perform oral sex on your partner and give her genital herpes. Was that fair? Do you think she's going to think it's okay because so many people have type 1 anyway...Nope. She's going to think that you didn't disclose your herpes status and knowingly gave her an std. This is very bad. Let's say you have genital type 1 and you date someone who does not have the virus. Kissing is certainly okay. But then what if she performs oral sex on you and gets oral type 1. Do you think that having those awful cold sores all over her mouth is going to make her think it was okay for you not to let her know this was a possibility? The embarrassment alone is killer. This is very bad. Let's say you are dating a woman who has a compromised immune system. She might not even know it. Or, let's say she's taking a course of steroids for another medical reason. Now, you don't tell her you have herpes and manage to pass it on to her in some way. Wow. You just took a minor inconvenience, passed it on to someone else and ruined their health. This is really bad. Three scenarios. All three had a negative outcome. It is not up to us to decide the health of anyone else. It is their decision--not ours. I have heard all the arguments for not disclosing type 1. Believe me, I've heard them. But the bottom line is that no matter how you slice it, it's wrong to not tell someone. ESPECIALLY since you don't know where yours is located. Tough situation, I understand that. But, please, understand we've been living with herpes for a very long time and we've seen a lot of people come and go through this group. The verdict: ALWAYS TELL. Take care, ar > Grant, > [quoted text clipped - 38 lines] >> >> ar Grant, See I wish Angela could have talked to me as respectfully as you. I'm uneasy with your first scenario because I have never had a coldsore in my life. Life isn't fair--look at the tons of people running around with coldsores who don't even know that they are a form of herpes. Between sharing cups, getting kisses from grandma, or other casual kisses, I honestly could tell you that I don't know how to not spread oral hsv-1 between ob's. Next scenario: I would hate it unbelievably to give someone oral herpes. But I think this falls back to my first point. By the time we are ready for the nursing home, > 90% of people have hsv-1. I don't know that there is any specific and surefire way of preventing transmission aside from no contact during an ob. From what I have read, oral hsv-1 is ubiquitous and is most likely contracted before the age of 3 in a totally non-sexual manner. I don't know that I can go through life not kissing or not sharing cups with anyone simply because I might have oral hsv-1. Your third scenario is a really scary one to me. I honestly would want nothing more than to protect people who are immunocompromised. Your point resonates here. No kissing or sex with the immunocompromised, as I'm sure they have been directed by their doc's. Here's the bottom line for me: how can I tell somebody I have hsv-1 and not give them a location of it? Clearly they will want to take protective measures to avoid the virus, but they won't know what part of me to avoid! They will think that I am either being dishonest or that I am simply uneducated on the issue, either way will have a negative outcome. If you can tell me what to say to a partner which they will 1) believe, 2)not lose credibility or respect for me and 3)think I'm educated on herpes, based on my scenario, I would be happier than you could imagine. You say tell ESPECIALLY because you don't know where it's located. That's not good enough--you need to tell me EXACTLY how to tell a partner that I am a virgin with an STD, that I have hsv-1 but don't know where it is, that I am educated on the issue and I'm not lying to them to cover for a shameful past or anything like that based on these seemingly contradictory facts. ~Eric > Hi Eric, > [quoted text clipped - 79 lines] > >> > >> ar Hi Eric, Oh, I hear you! You really are in a pickle. And I'm glad my post came out respectfully. Sometimes things get misinterpreted through our written word. So thank you for understanding that was where I was coming from. Let's see if I can create a scenario for you based on what I have experienced in the more recent past. Remember, I was married for 17 years and never seemed to pass the virus on so now I'm single and having to learn how to date with an std! Blech. And at age 40. You're right, life isn't fair. :) First of all, I'm female. Grant is my last name. That might help to understand these examples I'll give you. When I am with a potential new partner, and it looks like things might progress to the next level. This is what I say: "We need to talk about stds because I have one. I have type 1 genital herpes. Have you ever had a cold sore? (For our purposes today, I'll respond no--more on that later) Okay, here's what you need to know. I have had genital herpes for 20 years, which is good because it means my body is less likely to shed the virus without symptoms. What is also good is that it is very difficult to pass type 1 from genital to genital. So that protects you. I have not had an outbreak in many years. However, there might be a possibility that I also have oral herpes--cold sores. I've never had a cold sore, but it is always a possibility. You need to understand if I have oral herpes, I might be able to pass it on to your genitals during oral sex. It is up to you if you wish to take that risk." I do not know how to solve the kissing problem. Because, like you, I've never had a cold sore, I generally don't say anything. Here's what I've encountered back. The first man I told I had herpes said I was worth the risk and married me. After my divorce, the first man I had a relationship with turned out to have type 2 herpes. He didn't care about my type 1 but I was actually a bit worried about getting type 2. The next man I was contemplating a relationship with said he had cold sores when he was a child. So, it was a non-issue. The third man was so misinformed about herpes that even though he had cold sores as a child, he thought I could reinfect him. At first I tried to give him the facts but he said his friends had told him something different. I assured him I knew what I was talking about. But then I realized that it is HIS choice as to what he wants to believe and what he wants to do. The relationship ended pretty much with that. Remember, my ex-husband truly loved me and didn't mind taken that risk--which puts things into perspective for me. And now I just don't bother dating. :) If you were to encounter someone with an immune system problem, I would suggest you get on a daily dose of valtrex. And then the two of you could decide where to go from there. I would hate to say no kissing, ever! That would be horrible. You are not a leper. Just someone who is aware of his status. And you're right, so many people don't know anything about their cold sores. It feels like we have this huge burden and they are walking around ignorant and blissful. As to what you could say to a potential partner: "I was surprised to find out I have a virus considered by some to be an std. I've never had any symptoms but I have it anyway. The problem is I don't know where on my body it is located. The virus is type 1 herpes. Normally, that would mean I get cold sores. But I've never had a cold sore. The other most common location is genital. But again, I've never had an outbreak. I've never been with anyone, so I can only assume I have it orally. Have you ever had a cold sore? (if they say no) If I do have it orally, I can pass it on to your genitals through oral sex so please consider this carefully. However, if I have it genitally, it does not pass from genital to genital easily. But I could pass it to your mouth through oral sex. If you are worried, there are medications I can take which cut the risk of transmission and if you wish, I can start taking those meds." Anyway, that's right off the top of my head. But I think it covers all your points. I was 20 when I got type 1--through oral sex with someone who gets cold sores. That means I didn't get it as a child. If I were you, I'd let go of the statistics because they don't mean anything to the individual person. If you were to say to me, your potential girlfriend, "Hey, 90% of the population has it by the time they reach old age." I'd be pretty insulted. We're not talking about the population, we're talking about ME. I'm sure you can see the difference. And if your potential partner gets cold sores, then there is no need to worry. But she would need to still understand you have it somewhere on your body. And disclosing your viral status is about respect. Plain and simple. If you don't respect the person enough to care about their health, then the relationship is doomed to fail anyway. Take care, ar Grant, Your stories are helpful since I have never read any HSV-1 telling stories before in my life! All I have ever found is HSV-2 stories. I appreciate you giving them to me! I think that based upon my age though when I tell it's going to always end up like the last person whose "friends told him differently". Nobody my age knows or wants to know any facts about the virus and will fight you to their death saying that their coldsores are not herpes. Heck, my ex-gf told me they were genetic and that she inherited them from her mother..get my point? I have one major issue with what you have said, and I know it was off the top of your head :-), I think it would sound great to tell a potential partner (I am all for keeping it non-scary and low-key) but I don't see at all how this helps my situation one bit. Even by telling them in the nicest way in the world, they are still left with uncertainty in location, which I am telling them to "consider carefully". This is horribly bad because both the partner and myself are going to want to take protective actions to protect the hsv-1 naive partner. But since the location is uncertain, what does this mean? I'll tell you exactly what it means--it means no genital sex, no oral sex, and really no kissing either! You hate statistics but all they really are is a numerical reflection of reality. Think about it--there is a chance, albeit very very slight, that hsv-1 shed from the genital region could infect the genitals of an hsv-1 naive partner. So genital sex, particularly the unprotected kind with a wife where I can have kids is down the tubes if the partner wants to protect herself. Oral sex is out of the question too--again, even though hsv-1 doesn't shed from the genital area much, it reasonably could and infect the oral area of the partner. Worse yet, shedding from the oral area could infect the genitals of a partner. So oral sex is down the tubes as well if the partner wants to protect herself. By the way, use of protection for oral sex rarely if ever passes the "laugh test". So what's left here? Kissing--that's probably the easiest way to spread hsv-1 in the world. If there is any chance whatsoever that I have hsv-1 orally, steps the partner would take in order to protect herself would be no kissing and no sharing drinks and so forth. So what's on the horizon for a relationship to hold? No sex of any kind, and really no kissing or drink sharing either. See how ridiculous this is? I know you hate statistics, but go along with me on this one. By age 20, 50% of people have it. By 30, 60%, by age 50, 70%, and by nursing home age greater than 90% have hsv-1. Getting hsv-1 is indirectly related to LIVING LIFE! Am I to tell my partner so then they won't share cups with me or have sex in any way just so that 2 weeks later their little ol' grandma can unwittingly infect them? Bottom line here: I would tell in half a heatbeat if I didn't know for sure that I would be precluding all sexual contact and perhaps even kissing based on the uncertainty in location added to the ignorance and unwillingness to learn about hsv-1 among my peer group. I am not the heartless, savage, cruel, and confused monster that Angela makes me out to be. I am a 22 y/o man who has never been with a woman and of which telling partners of my hsv-1 will put me in an impossible situation which will preclude all intimate relationships for God knows how long. Trust me, you have identified a location, I have not, your stories don't apply to me very well, telling partners I have hsv-1 "somewhere" is equivalent to precluding all intimacy. ~Eric > Hi Eric, > [quoted text clipped - 94 lines] > Take care, > ar Hi Eric, I really think you are making more of this than it really is. For instance: How do people with genital herpes have sex? How do people with cold sores kiss and have oral sex? The point being, none of us is living as a nun or monk. I had 17 years with my husband and herpes was a non-issue. NOT because I know the location. But because it simply wasn't. It doesn't matter if you know the location or not. What matters is that you let the other person decide if you are worth the risk to them. It's called weeding out the garbage. I was 20 when I got herpes. And 20 when my husband-to-be said I was worth the risk. That's pretty much the same age as you. Your arguments are the ones not holding up. You, and everyone else who has herpes, are perfectly capable of having a perfectly healthy sex life. We with herpes have children. Oh my gosh...how did THAT happen???? Because we have sex. Obviously, unprotected sex when in a committed relationship where both parties know the risks. We use condoms. We don't have sex when we are showing signs of having an outbreak. What????? You don't have outbreaks???? Then what's the difference between you and me? I repeat, what's the difference between you and me? Location doesn't matter. Respect matters. And there is no one here who is going to tell you it's okay not to tell. No matter what argument you toss out to us. You said nobody your age knows or wants to know any facts about the virus. You're wrong. You don't know the entire population. As I said, I was younger than you and found a terrific guy. Oh, and back then, nobody was talking about type 1 and type 2. All I knew was I had genital herpes which probably meant type 2. So, condoms and you could take valtrex. Sounds as safe as it's going to be. You should be wearing a condom anyway. What I am hearing from you is someone who is scared for his future. That's okay. I thought I was damaged goods and no one would ever want me. I felt ugly and horrible about myself. I was wrong. 20 years later and I'm telling you the truth. I suggest you listen to us older and wiser people...we've been through it. You will find a great lady who doesn't care. You will take all the usual precautions because that's what you should do anyway. Let me ask you something. Are these really YOUR fears you are projecting onto others? If you were uninfected and someone told you they had cold sores would you refuse to ever kiss them? If someone said they had genital herpes, would you refuse to ever have sex with them? Even if you loved them? Even if you thought this person was the best person you had ever met? Let's start with your attitude towards the virus. And if it really bothers you, you can head on over to the herpes dating sites and look for people to date there. Take care, ar > Grant, > [quoted text clipped - 59 lines] > > ~Eric Grant, I don't think I'm making a bigger deal than necessary here..I have no interest in making a disease which I have and can't ever get rid of out to be something worse than it already is. I'm glad for you that it wasn't a big deal to you when you were married..if I was married now I wouldn't be here. I understand that your husband said you were worth the risk..and I'm happy for you. But don't you think that that has something to do with, well I don't know, maybe the fact that you could at least tell him where is was at? I totally disagree that I am capable of having a normal sex life while protecting my partner from getting hsv-1 from me. The two are mutually exclusive. You cannot tell me that spontaneous and unprotected kisses and sex won't put a wife at risk. I agree with you that's it's weeding out the garbage, but as soon as I say "I have herpes and I am a virgin" I am the garbage that gets weeded out. Why can't you see that? You're statement that location doesn't matter baffles me. If I don't know the location, how can the person protect themselves from getting it from me? They can't, and no matter how many times I tell them "I have herpes", I don't see how this improves my situation one bit. Valtrex reduces shedding but doesn't stop it. And how am I supposed to wear condoms when I'm trying to have kids with a wife? You're just plain wrong on my peers wanting to learn about herpes. The majority of people don't even know that their coldsores are hsv-1 and they'll never admit it. I already told a friend that type-1 is ubiquitous and I have type-1. You know what she said? She said: "well I don't have type-1 so not everybody has it". In other words, I'm better than you and you're an inferior himan being for telling me that. Honestly, how many girls out there are going to want to learn that their cute little coldsores are also an incurable STD? Again, if educating people and breaking the stigma were easy and people my age easily accepted the truth, I wouldn't be here now. These fears are not unique to me. These are fears universal to all people. Who wants a possibly painful, always incurable disease? My attitude towards hsv-1 is that "it's coming sooner or later". I'll repeat, 50% of people age 20 have hsv-1, 60% at age 30, all the way up to 90% when elderly. It corresponds to living life. Getting hsv-1 means some unknowing relative kissed me, I shared a fork with a friend, or the million other scenarios out there. The virus is ubiquitous. I'll finish with the most telling (no pun intended!) point of all. I have looked on std dating sites. Tons and tons of hsv-2 and hpv, tons of hsv-2 and hsv-1. Virtually nobody at all has just hsv-1. How I'm supposed to meet someone who has hsv-1 online so I don't have to tell them when there's nobody on there? Try it if you don't believe me. And tell me again, how I am supposed to tell someone that I have an STD but am a virgin? This one blows my mind and I have been reading on herpes for months now. I can only imagine how some girl who hasn't been reading will react when she hears that line. Your help is very much appreciated! ~Eric > Hi Eric, > [quoted text clipped - 122 lines] > > > > ~Eric Hi Eric, You are a very frustrating person. :) But I understand your concerns. My responses are scattered below: > I don't think I'm making a bigger deal than necessary here..I have no > interest in making a disease which I have and can't ever get rid of out > to be something worse than it already is. I'm glad for you that it > wasn't a big deal to you when you were married..if I was married now I > wouldn't be here. I was here while I was married. It's always good to learn more and have people to talk to. > I understand that your husband said you were worth > the risk..and I'm happy for you. But don't you think that that has > something to do with, well I don't know, maybe the fact that you could > at least tell him where is was at? No. Not one bit. The location is not as important as you think it is. You are focusing on this one thing because...you don't know the location. But let's be honest, Eric. If you've never had sex or oral sex, then the chances of you having genital herpes are slim. Right? Now, did you say you once had a genital outbreak or symptoms? I can't remember. What made you test for herpes if you've never had symptoms? > I totally disagree that I am capable of having a normal sex life while > protecting my partner from getting hsv-1 from me. How does everyone else do it? >The two are mutually exclusive. You cannot tell me that spontaneous and >unprotected kisses > and sex won't put a wife at risk. Of course it will. But yet the rest of the world with herpes manages just fine. Why don't you find some statistics on how many people with herpes are married and have children. > I agree with you that's it's weeding > out the garbage, but as soon as I say "I have herpes and I am a virgin" > I am the garbage that gets weeded out. Why can't you see that? Aha. The problem isn't everyone else. It's you. You believe you are garbage and therefore this is the root of the problem. You are not garbage. You will not be weeded out by peole who genuinely care about you. Why can't YOU see that? Remember, we older and wiser people have years of experience to look back on. :) Heck, if you just want meaningless sex, see a prostitute. If you want the love of your life, don't worry, she won't care you have type 1. > You're statement that location doesn't matter baffles me. If I don't > know the location, how can the person protect themselves from getting > it from me? How does everyone else with herpes do it? How do the people with genital herpes protect their partners? How do the people with oral herpes protect their partners? When you finally realize you are no different than everyone else with herpes, you'll see how you are making no sense. >They can't, and no matter how many times I tell them "I > have herpes", I don't see how this improves my situation one bit. > Valtrex reduces shedding but doesn't stop it. And how am I supposed to > wear condoms when I'm trying to have kids with a wife? And yet, there are tons of herpes couples with children. > You're just plain wrong on my peers wanting to learn about herpes. I'd say get different peers. My peers have always been wonderful and educated. I hang out with smart people. >The majority of people don't even know that their coldsores are hsv-1 and > they'll never admit it. I already told a friend that type-1 is > ubiquitous and I have type-1. You know what she said? She said: "well I > don't have type-1 so not everybody has it". In other words, I'm better > than you and you're an inferior himan being for telling me that. No, she was probably commenting just like I am. You keep saying everyone will have type 1 herpes by a certain age. And you're wrong. She doesn't have type 1 and therefore, your assumptions that everyone has it are wrong. This again goes back to YOUR insecurities which you are trying to project on to others. > Honestly, how many girls out there are going to want to learn that > their cute little coldsores are also an incurable STD? Why are you worried about other people? They don't matter. You need to just deal with yourself. >Again, if > educating people and breaking the stigma were easy and people my age > easily accepted the truth, I wouldn't be here now. I don't know about that. > These fears are not unique to me. These are fears universal to all > people. Who wants a possibly painful, always incurable disease? The difference is everyone seems to move on and you are stuck in a rut. >My > attitude towards hsv-1 is that "it's coming sooner or later". I'll > repeat, 50% of people age 20 have hsv-1, 60% at age 30, all the way up > to 90% when elderly. It corresponds to living life. Getting hsv-1 means > some unknowing relative kissed me, I shared a fork with a friend, or > the million other scenarios out there. The virus is ubiquitous. Okay, you can't type 1 from sharing drinks or forks. But I don't understand why you keep bringing up this statistic. Are you trying to justify not telling partners you have type 1? Because I have said before, no one is going to condone that. > I'll finish with the most telling (no pun intended!) point of all. I > have looked on std dating sites. Tons and tons of hsv-2 and hpv, tons > of hsv-2 and hsv-1. Virtually nobody at all has just hsv-1. Um. I'm on herpes dating sites and I have only type 1. (I also have HPV, though) I've seen plenty of people with only type 1. But what does it matter if it is type 1 or 2? You don't have to date within your type, you know. Unless your stigma against herpes carries over to type 2s. >How I'm > supposed to meet someone who has hsv-1 online so I don't have to tell > them when there's nobody on there? Think outside the box, Eric. >Try it if you don't believe me. And > tell me again, how I am supposed to tell someone that I have an STD but > am a virgin? I've already told you how. >This one blows my mind and I have been reading on herpes > for months now. I can only imagine how some girl who hasn't been > reading will react when she hears that line. If she likes you, it won't matter. > Your help is very much appreciated! I don't mind helping but you've got to work on your own blocks, Eric. You refuse all help offered. Open your mind and allow other thoughts in there! ar Grant, Here are my responses: > You are a very frustrating person. I'm very sorry that I'm frustrating. I don't mean to be, I'm just telling things they way they are in my life. Believe me, if you feel frustrated just talking to me, imagine how I feel living under these conditions? > > I totally disagree that I am capable of having a normal sex life while > > protecting my partner from getting hsv-1 from me. > > How does everyone else do it? Everyone else does it by one of 4 ways: 1) they either don't know about their hsv-1, 2) they get coldsores but don't WANT to know any truth about their hsv-1, 3) they know and DON'T CARE, 4) or they know and TELL their partner. > Aha. The problem isn't everyone else. It's you. You believe you are > garbage and therefore this is the root of the problem. You are not garbage. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > prostitute. If you want the love of your life, don't worry, she won't care > you have type 1. Of course the problem is me. Getting this irreparably damaged the rest of my life. Garbage isn't exactly what I am. Here's exactly what I am: not worth the risk to groups 1-3 who either don't know or won't admit to having hsv-1, so this is why I'm stressed out. Group 4 people, who would respect and love me for the fact that I'm telling them, would be great, but how do you find them? I've looked on online dating sites and have found only a handful of people with only hsv-1. Should I walk up to a girl on the street with an obvious coldsore and say, "hi, nice coldsore, wanna go out for a drink?" LOL..I think I'm getting to that point..prostitutes might be an option too. > How does everyone else with herpes do it? How do the people with genital > herpes protect their partners? How do the people with oral herpes protect > their partners? When you finally realize you are no different than everyone > else with herpes, you'll see how you are making no sense. The obvious answer for groups 1-3 is that they simply go on living life as normal. Group 4 people who have herpes know where their infections are and can tell their partner and both can take appropriate steps to prevent spreading the hsv-1. > I'd say get different peers. My peers have always been wonderful and > educated. I hang out with smart people. I never liked the girl who said that anyway, but it's solid evidence of people's unwillingness to learn about or accept hsv-1 infections. I hang out with smart people too. > No, she was probably commenting just like I am. You keep saying everyone > will have type 1 herpes by a certain age. And you're wrong. She doesn't > have type 1 and therefore, your assumptions that everyone has it are wrong. > This again goes back to YOUR insecurities which you are trying to project on > to others. She might have hsv-1..she could be among the high majority of people with hsv-1 who have never had or never recognized having a coldsore. I never said everyone has it--I said the % of people positive for hsv-1 correlates with age. > Okay, you can't type 1 from sharing drinks or forks. But I don't understand > why you keep bringing up this statistic. Are you trying to justify not > telling partners you have type 1? Because I have said before, no one is > going to condone that. You absolutely can get hsv-1 from sharing food utensils or other objects which can come in contact with a coldsore and then contact your own mouth or wherever. I'm not asking you to condone me not telling a partner--what makes you think I wouldn't tell them and have them reject me with 99.9% probability? And after I've done this for a while, I won't even have to tell anybody anymore because they'll all know :-( > I don't mind helping but you've got to work on your own blocks, Eric. You > refuse all help offered. Open your mind and allow other thoughts in there! I appreciate your help more than you know. But my "blocks" are that due to my painful genital rash and positive hsv-1 bloodtest last summer. And the hsv-1 is here to stay forever, wherever it might be. I am not refusing your help by any means. I am a 22 year old quiet science nerd looking for someone my own type. Honestly, how many girls of my type are going to be interested in a guy who has hsv-1? Don't lie and tell me someone who loves me will accept my hsv-1. They would have to know about my hsv-1 before they ever fall in love enough with me to accept this. People who say that aren't thinking chronologically.. ~Eric Hi Eric, I'm trying to break it down so it will make sense to you and help you. Let's try a different path: >> How does everyone else do it? > > Everyone else does it by one of 4 ways: 1) they either don't know about > their hsv-1, 2) they get coldsores but don't WANT to know any truth > about their hsv-1, 3) they know and DON'T CARE, 4) or they know and > TELL their partner. I am not phrasing the question correctly. Technically, how does everyone else protect their partner? They wear condoms. They don't have sex or kiss when having an outbreak in either area. You will do the same thing. You will do exactly what everyone else on this planet with herpes does. You are no different than anyone else with herpes. There are people who come through this group who have a positive test and no symptoms. Like you, they don't know the location of their herpes. But they still go on to get married and have children. > Of course the problem is me. Getting this irreparably damaged the rest > of my life. Garbage isn't exactly what I am. Here's exactly what I am: [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > coldsore, wanna go out for a drink?" LOL..I think I'm getting to that > point..prostitutes might be an option too. Here's exactly who you are: a young man who has a virus. He doesn't want to pass it on to anyone else and he's having trouble making the adjustment to having this virus. He doesn't seem to want to believe his life will be normal. When he allows himself to shine and become the wonderful person inside and outside that I know he can be, he will very much be worth the risk to someone. How does ANYONE with or without the virus find that special person? Again, you are no different than anyone else on the planet. No one out there is perfect. I dated those guys who had herpes and each one was a jerk. So, knowing their status certainly didn't make them better people! When you love yourself as you are and treat women with respect and compassion, you will definitely be worth the risk. You don't have to date people only with type 1, you know. You will find type 2s to be compassionate about the virus as well. However, I'll warn you, a jerk is a jerk no matter if they are herpes free or not. But you know what, if you see a woman with a cold sore, now you'll know she's more than just a person with a cold sore. You'll know she's probably a nice person and a cold sore should be overlooked. >> How does everyone else with herpes do it? How do the people with genital >> herpes protect their partners? How do the people with oral herpes [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > are and can tell their partner and both can take appropriate steps to > prevent spreading the hsv-1. You are no different than those who know where their infections are. You will wear a condom--you should anyways. And you won't have sex or kiss someone if you are having an obvious outbreak. (Rash, tingling, etc.) I do not understand why you think it is different for you. Just take the same precautions as everyone else and you are as covered as you can be. > You absolutely can get hsv-1 from sharing food utensils or other > objects which can come in contact with a coldsore and then contact your > own mouth or wherever. I'm not asking you to condone me not telling a > partner--what makes you think I wouldn't tell them and have them reject > me with 99.9% probability? And after I've done this for a while, I > won't even have to tell anybody anymore because they'll all know :-( Let go of your fear and live your life. > I appreciate your help more than you know. But my "blocks" are that due > to my painful genital rash and positive hsv-1 bloodtest last summer. > And the hsv-1 is here to stay forever, wherever it might be. I am not > refusing your help by any means. I am a 22 year old quiet science nerd > looking for someone my own type. Honestly, how many girls of my type > are going to be interested in a guy who has hsv-1? And I was a 20 year old with horrible skin, bookish and definitely a nerd with a science degree. And still I survived. Believe me, my acne gives me more pain than telling someone I have herpes. It's all over my face for everyone to see. And it leaves scars. Anyway, that's my pain. You are no different than anyone else who has discovered they have herpes. What will make the difference is how you live the rest of your life. You are the same person as before. If you liked that person, rediscover him. If you didn't like that person, reinvent yourself. Your future is in your hands. You are not a virus called herpes. You are a man named Eric. Make the distinction and move forward. > Don't lie and tell me someone who loves me will accept my hsv-1. They > would have to know about my hsv-1 before they ever fall in love enough > with me to accept this. People who say that aren't thinking > chronologically.. I'm not lying, Eric. Stop hating yourself and learn to like and love yourself. Perhaps seek some help from a therapist. Accept the knowledge from those of us who have lived it and are still living it. You are the one stopping yourself from being happy. Not the herpes. It can't control you. Arlyn Arlyn, It comes down to this: I cannot and have not been able to accept the fact that partners should be always be told about genital hsv-1 but not oral hsv-1 because society has no problem with that location. I know you and some other people might believe that hsv-1 located anywhere must be disclosed to partners, but the vast majority of people don't even know that their coldsores are hsv-1 and certainly not the same dreaded thing that causes "herpes". I have specifically restrained myself from having sexual intercourse for, among other reasons, to prevent infecting myself with an STD. And I got one anyway, and not just any old one, I got one that is incurable. My ex-girlfriend's oral hsv-1 became my "somewhere" hsv-1, perhaps both genital and oral. Talk about irony. Now I am stuck with the genital herpes label and stigma which fits for hsv-2, not hsv-1, if I disclose this to people. And I in no way mean to disparage hsv-2 people one bit. But at least they had sex to get their "sexually transmitted disease". And now I am up against a belief that I have something which only promiscuous people get and I never had sex. The logic of having an STD without having sex is nonexistent. I have never done anything in my life to warrant the reputation, stigma, and loss of respect in the eyes of people I care about that will directly result from telling them. And I will do anything I can to protect my reputation, respect, and ability to eventually get married, have sex, and have kids, no matter what it takes. Thanks for your continued help, ~Eric Hi Eric, I do believe you have a lot of issues that you have to work through. I know what you mean, believe. My herpes came from my first lover. I had waited all those years to find someone special and look what happened to me. So I know where you're coming from. I'm going to assume you and your girlfriend never had oral sex? The stigma of herpes can be horrible. But that's something you have to work on because many times, the stigma is worse than the reality. The bottom line is you've got it forever so you had better figure out how to make peace with it. It's not always easy to do, of course, but the alternatives are not pleasant. As to telling or not telling about oral hsv...that's up to each individual. As I mentioned in my scenario a few days ago, I tell partners that even though I have never had an oral outbreak, the possibility still exists I have it and that I can pass it on through oral sex. I tell them it is their decision as to whether or not they want to take that chance. As you've mentioned, there are many people who don't know they can pass their oral hepes on to partner's genitals. But you can't change the world. You can only change yourself. So, forget about everyone else, Eric, and just worry about yourself. Did you hear what I said: forget about everyone else. Please remember that you can fight the promiscuous stigma. It's false, of course. People with herpes are not more sexually active than people without. I suggest you work on getting that stigma worked through in your own head. Please don't project it on others. > I have never done anything in my life to warrant the reputation, > stigma, and loss of respect in the eyes of people I care about that > will directly result from telling them. And I will do anything I can to > protect my reputation, respect, and ability to eventually get married, > have sex, and have kids, no matter what it takes. Eric, this is what I'm talking about. You need to work on the way YOU think. Not others. You seem to attribute a whole lot of nonsense to other people. Loss of respect?? That's all in your head. You want to protect your reputation and respect? Then act admirably and not like a coward. If you are a good person, then you have nothing to worry about. You will get married and have kids. But if you are so down on yourself, then no one is going to want to be with you. If you lie to your partner, then believe me, you are not a good person. You decide who you want to be. ar > Arlyn, > [quoted text clipped - 27 lines] > > ~Eric Arlyn, > But that's something you have to work > on because many times, the stigma is worse than the reality The stigma is always worse than the reality once you say "herpes". If you say coldsore, nobody gives one good sh.t. How do you work on changing the public perception of a disease? I mean most people are resistant to education on the subject because they don't want to know that they in all likelihood already have a "herpes" virus. And most people have no idea that hsv-1 is almost always transmitted non-sexually while hsv-2 is almost always transmitted sexually. They simply know "coldsore" vs. "herpes". If I could change the public perception of herpes I'd be immediately hired by president Bush to convince people that weren't not stuck in a mess in Iraq. >The bottom line is you've got it forever so you had better figure out how to make peace > with it. It's not always easy to do, of course, but the alternatives are not pleasant. I can make peace with it by not telling anyone about "herpes". Instead, I can say "I used to get coldsores but I haven't had one in a while", and thus I am infected with hsv-1, but nobody out there will even care that I have coldsores. This qualifies as telling her I have the virus, so if she ever did get infected, "sorry so much hun..must have been shedding from one of those coldsores I told you about". It happens all of the time. But when you say "unpleasant alternatives" you confuse me. I'm not sure what "alternatives" you're are talking about here. Can you clarify this for me because I'm confused on this point? > Please remember that you can fight the promiscuous stigma. It's false, of > course. People with herpes are not more sexually active than people > without. I suggest you work on getting that stigma worked through in your > own head. Please don't project it on others. I can fight the promiscuous stigma by saying "coldsore" instead of "herpes". Sounds like I'm splitting hairs here because both are the same thing, but in terms of the "promiscuous stigma", "coldsores" can't hold a candle to "herpes". I think some people with hsv-2 who don't care and don't bother to tell anyone about their hsv-2 are the promiscuous people responsible for the stigma here. Again, that's why I prefer the term "coldsore" to "herpes". > Eric, this is what I'm talking about. You need to work on the way YOU > think. Not others. You seem to attribute a whole lot of nonsense to other [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > going to want to be with you. If you lie to your partner, then believe me, > you are not a good person. I can think whatever I want and it's not going to change OTHER PEOPLE'S perception of me. I attribute a whole lot of nonsense to other people because a lot of people are non-sensical. I told you already that my ex-gf would have fought me to the death that she doesn't have "herpes". She has an "inherited genetic condition" that causes her lip to do that. Am I supposed to think that this is anything else but nonsense? If I am a good person, but I tell people "I have 'herpes'", I have everything to worry about. Sure people might feel sorry for me and girls will be friends with me, but nothing else will ever happen. I won't be worth the risk--I'll be damaged goods. I don't know how to fix being down on myself. I think it's just going to take time and healing, I don't know. I would not lie to a partner, period. I would simply say that I have had coldsores in the past (perfectly true, the rash fits the description) and that while I haven't had any lately (again, true, but this depends upon whether I actually do get another ob), I could infect them with "the coldsore virus" or hsv-1. And if they don't accept the fact that I have this virus which a lot might not, then they're worthless to me anyway. Those who can accept me will have been forewarned about my hsv-1. Thanks again, ~Eric > Hi Eric, > [quoted text clipped - 40 lines] > > ar Hi Eric, Funny bit about the mess in Iraq. :) > The stigma is always worse than the reality once you say "herpes". If > you say coldsore, nobody gives one good sh.t. How do you work on > changing the public perception of a disease? By changing YOUR attitude. >I mean most people are > resistant to education on the subject because they don't want to know > that they in all likelihood already have a "herpes" virus. First, you need to stop lumping people into a category. You don't know everyone on the planet and you can't possibly know what everyone would think. If you believe you do, then you are facing your OWN opinions being projected. By the way, in Europe, it is really no big deal, from what most of the people I've encountered have told me. They speak about it as if it is par for the course. Exceptions are always there, of course. But my encounters with herpes in Russians and Bulgarians, etc, say otherwise. And most > people have no idea that hsv-1 is almost always transmitted > non-sexually while hsv-2 is almost always transmitted sexually. They > simply know "coldsore" vs. "herpes". You're making assumptions. > I can make peace with it by not telling anyone about "herpes". > Instead, I can say "I used to get coldsores but I haven't had one in a > while", and thus I am infected with hsv-1, but nobody out there will > even care that I have coldsores. So, you're going to not tell the whole truth. Didn't you say you have genital symptoms? You're planning on lying to your future wife and mother of your children. Bad, bad, bad. >This qualifies as telling her I have > the virus, so if she ever did get infected, "sorry so much hun..must > have been shedding from one of those coldsores I told you about". It > happens all of the time. No, it does not. If you manage to find someone ignorant to the fact that cold sores are the herpes virus, and fail to say the word "herpes" you are guilty of lying. And if you pass it on to her and cause her pain and anguish, and you think that's okay, then you have a lot of growing up to do. Get over your own embarrassment and start putting other people first. > But when you say "unpleasant alternatives" you confuse me. I'm not sure > what "alternatives" you're are talking about here. Can you clarify this > for me because I'm confused on this point? I was basically saying learn to live with it because the alternatives are suicide or living such a miserable life you might as well be dead. > I can fight the promiscuous stigma by saying "coldsore" instead of > "herpes". No, that's not fighting the stigma. That's skirting the issue. > I can think whatever I want and it's not going to change OTHER PEOPLE'S > perception of me. Sure it will. Change begins with you, buddy. >I attribute a whole lot of nonsense to other people > because a lot of people are non-sensical. Well, that's true! >I told you already that my > ex-gf would have fought me to the death that she doesn't have "herpes". > She has an "inherited genetic condition" that causes her lip to do > that. Am I supposed to think that this is anything else but nonsense? You know what...you can't blame her totally. Her mother told her that because her mother was embarrassed. Or perhaps it was her father. The point is, she was telling you the truth as she knew it. I've had this battle with other people as well over other health conditions. When people believe something, and their minds are closed, you won't be able to educate them until they are ready for that. > If I am a good person, but I tell people "I have 'herpes'", I have > everything to worry about. Sure people might feel sorry for me and > girls will be friends with me, but nothing else will ever happen. I > won't be worth the risk--I'll be damaged goods. I don't know how to fix > being down on myself. I think it's just going to take time and healing, > I don't know. And somehow, the world keeps spinning. And somehow, people with herpes meet and marry people without herpes. And they live happily ever after with their children. How does that happen? How do you fit that TRUTH into your world filled with misconceptions? You have decided you are damaged goods and everyone is going to think that way about you no matter what the real truth is. So let me tell you something, you may just miss out on the most perfect woman because you've already decided she won't like you. You are the one signing your own fate. > I would not lie to a partner, period. I would simply say that I have > had coldsores in the past (perfectly true, the rash fits the > description) Lie number one and two. You said you never had a cold sore. And a rash on your genitals is NOT a cold sore. So now you are lying to yourself thinking you aren't lying to your partner. >and that while I haven't had any lately (again, true, but > this depends upon whether I actually do get another ob), I could infect > them with "the coldsore virus" or hsv-1. Skirting the truth by sugar-coating it and hiding its more common name. That won't hold up in court if someone sues you. Full-disclosure...give it a try. >And if they don't accept the > fact that I have this virus which a lot might not, then they're > worthless to me anyway. Now, that's the truth. >Those who can accept me will have been > forewarned about my hsv-1. But not truly told the truth. ar Arlyn, Got to drag in some humor every now and then, ya know..LOL. I am trying to change my attitude..but it's not easy..and I think you understand that. What isn't a big deal in Europe? HSV-1 or HSV in general? I mean I'm not really worried what the Bulgarians or Russians have to say on the subject of my hsv-1 because what are the odds I'm going to meet a wife in Russia? I'm more concerned about what Americans think..although hearing different opinions is really interesting though! :-) The rest of the difference in what we have been discussing revolves around one thing really: caring about other people more than yourself, or caring about yourself and then worrying about other people. You clearly fall into the category that believe that regardless of what damage it will do to yourself, you should tell other people so that they do not contract the hsv-1. You put their safety and interests above your own, and I commend you for this. Even if they reject you and you carry the full weight of an unfair stigma, you want everyone to know what your virus is "herpes". At this point in my life, I am much more concerned about my own well being than I am worried about other people's interests. Call me selfish, but I'm not looking to be victimized again. I guess maybe I'm still hurting so bad from this. Plus I am a big believer in common sense--wearing condoms during sex and not having sex during an ob will provide the partner much, much more protection than being kissed by someone with hsv-1. Could the partner get infected in spite of every possible precaution? Yes, but nothing in life in certain. I don't want to hurt any other people by spreading this virus, but I don't want to hurt myself either. I want you to understand that I don't want to hurt anybody else! I just think I have a much less likely chance of hurting someone else compared to hurting myself if I have common sense sex. Thanks again, ~Eric Hi Eric, Lots of mail-order brides in Russia! I brought the Europeans up because you keep saying "no one." But the point is that you don't know everyone and therefore can't make that statement. HSV in general is what I was talking about. I believe in telling potential partners that I have type 1 so THEY can make the decision as to how they want to proceed. The decision is theirs and not mine to make for them. It's not about protecting them. It's about being truthful and honest so they can decide what risks they want to take. It is not fun to tell someone about herpes. And I do want to protect myself from rejection and hurt. But not at the expense of someone else. It's okay to be selfish! But you still have to do the right thing. > At this point in my life, I am much more concerned about my own well > being than I am worried about other people's interests. Call me [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > someone with hsv-1. Could the partner get infected in spite of every > possible precaution? Yes, but nothing in life in certain. I know where you're coming from with that. I really do. But I honestly believe that if you do something dishonest, you will pretty awful about yourself. And because your partner could still be infected even with every precaution taken...that's exactly why you must fully disclose the situation. > I don't want to hurt any other people by spreading this virus, but I > don't want to hurt myself either. Nobody does. But you will hurt yourself horribly if you lie and the person becomes infected. And I don't know about you, but I don't feel very good about myself when I lie to someone. > I want you to understand that I don't > want to hurt anybody else! I know that. That's why I'm taking the time to argue your misconceptions with you. :) >I just think I have a much less likely > chance of hurting someone else compared to hurting myself if I have > common sense sex. Lying or hiding the truth is not the answer, Eric. If I were physically near you, I'd wallop you upside the head and hope you see reason. :) If I read what you are saying correctly, you are willing to play Russian roulette with someone else's health because of your fear and embarrassment. This is unacceptable. This makes you not a nice person. There's nothing you can say that will make this situation better or acceptable. Nothing. If you can't be honest about your viral status, then you are not ready for an adult relationship. Relationships are supposed to be built on trust. How can you possibly expect to have a life-long relationship with someone whose health you purposely risked. My suggestion is to take a vow of celibacy until you mature enough to handle this situation. ar Ar, > Lots of mail-order brides in Russia! Sounds like a plan to me! Or better yet I'll put out an ad looking for Russian women with hsv-1. > I believe in telling potential partners that I have type 1 so THEY can make > the decision as to how they want to proceed. The decision is theirs and not > mine to make for them. It's not about protecting them. It's about being > truthful and honest so they can decide what risks they want to take. Again, I think it is commendable to be perfectly open with your partner about everything. This is the ideal solution. I was never afforded the luxury of deciding whether I wanted hsv-1 or not, so by all means the ideal solution would be for someone to decide for themselves. Your comment which was defensive of my ex-gf's beliefs that her hsv-1 was "genetically inherited" upsets me. You think it is fine that she is allowed to spread hsv-1 because she is "telling the truth as she knows it" and that her ignorance exonerates her from any blame. Are you saying this to be cruel to me? So since ignorance is a valid defense for you, I guess I actually screwed myself over by working so hard to learn all of the facts about hsv-1. But you couldn't be more wrong here--society does not accept ignorance as a defense. Try telling a judge "well your honor, I'm not guilty of breaking the law because I didn't know that that I was breaking the law". Ignorance of the law is not a defense, and ignorance of infectious diseases is never a defense either. I guess I should have never spent time learning everything I could about hsv-1 so I could protect other people and know what to expect for myself. I guess I should be telling people that I have a genetic disease which causes coldsores and rashes so I can stick my head in the sand. I really hope I misundertood your comments on this subject. I really hope you don't hold ignorance to be exculpatory. Concerned, ~Eric Hi Eric, Well, now you're just being silly. You definitely misread what I said. No, I don't think your girlfriend should be allowed to believe something false and therefore not be held accountable. I was just telling you why she probably thinks the way she does. She probably can't believe her parents would lie to her. Look, we all got stuck with herpes and none of us are out there jumping for joy. But you need to stop pointing fingers at others and start taking responsibility for your own actions and behavior. You can't change your former girlfriend. But you can change yourself. You seem to do whatever it takes to deflect that basic responsibility. Be responsible for you, Eric. ar > Well, now you're just being silly. You definitely misread what I said. No, > I don't think your girlfriend should be allowed to believe something false > and therefore not be held accountable. I was just telling you why she > probably thinks the way she does. She probably can't believe her parents > would lie to her. I am very relieved that you don't believe this. The reason she thinks the way she does is irrelevent to my infection, the important facts here are she had the virus, she did not tell me she had the virus, and she infected me. Your statement that she can't believe that her parents would lie to her is pure speculation of your part and totally meaningless as a defense of her blame in this matter. > Look, we all got stuck with herpes and none of us are out there jumping for > joy. But you need to stop pointing fingers at others and start taking > responsibility for your own actions and behavior. Stuck with hsv-1? Yes. Using the word "herpes"? Nope--when I tell partners I'm saying I have the coldsore virus that almost always is spread nonsexually and I'm telling them I am a virgin. This is NOT lying. I repeat, this is NOT lying. This is simply using the synonym of hsv-1 which is "coldsore virus" and keeping it in the context of my sexual history. I don't have to many actions or behavior to be responsible for, ok? I told you already I am a virgin. If I was out sleeping around with tons of people nondiscriminately, I would have plenty of behavior to be responsible for. I take full responsibility for all other possible paths of transmission. > You can't change your former girlfriend. But you can change yourself. You > seem to do whatever it takes to deflect that basic responsibility. Be > responsible for you, Eric. I'd love to change my ex-gf by beating over the head with a steel rod for about an hour. Maybe that would put some sense in her brain. I'm more worried about people who would excuse her conduct because she was ignorant of the fact. I have no idea what basic responsibility you are accusing me of deflecting here. Again, I am a virgin. Again, I fully accept all possible paths of getting this virus. I have been reading everything in sight to learn as much as I can about this virus. I will tell partners, but what they know and when they now it is entirely on my terms. They will never hear the word "herpes" out of my mouth and I will emphasize that I am a virgin who has the "coldsore virus". I plan to always practice common sense sex (condoms, no sex during ob). But telling is entirely up to me and it will be done how, when, and with whatever word choice I feel necessary (NOT lying!) to get the point across. If you tell me I need to responsible, tell me where and I'll try to work on it. ~Eric > ar Hi Eric, > I am very relieved that you don't believe this. The reason she thinks > the way she does is irrelevent to my infection, the important facts > here are she had the virus, she did not tell me she had the virus, and > she infected me. Your statement that she can't believe that her parents > would lie to her is pure speculation of your part and totally > meaningless as a defense of her blame in this matter. I suggest you stop bringing her up since she is so irrelevant. Of course my statement is pure speculation--as are many of your own. I'm not defending her. At no point did I defend her. When I read the statement above, I can't help but believe you are trying deflect something. I don't know what. Let's banish the mentioning of her, okay? > Stuck with hsv-1? Yes. Using the word "herpes"? Nope--when I tell > partners I'm saying I have the coldsore virus that almost always is > spread nonsexually and I'm telling them I am a virgin. This is NOT > lying. I repeat, this is NOT lying. This is simply using the synonym of > hsv-1 which is "coldsore virus" and keeping it in the context of my > sexual history. Yes, it is lying. You are trying to deny that hsv-1 is herpes. Now, if you were to say you have the herpes virus that is generally spread non-sexually, that would be closer to the truth. Type 1 is spread sexually quite a bit due to oral sex--so you still aren't telling the truth. Which, by the way, I don't remember you clarifying that you and your girlfriend never had oral sex. You say you are a virgin but with the way you split hairs on the meaning of words...Perhaps you mean Clinton's definition of "I did not have sex with that woman." > I don't have to many actions or behavior to be responsible for, ok? I > told you already I am a virgin. Which I've asked you to clarify. >If I was out sleeping around with tons > of people nondiscriminately, I would have plenty of behavior to be > responsible for. I take full responsibility for all other possible > paths of transmission. Except the one where you let your partner know the truth so she can make her own decisions. > I'd love to change my ex-gf by beating over the head with a steel rod > for about an hour. Maybe that would put some sense in her brain. I'm > more worried about people who would excuse her conduct because she was > ignorant of the fact. There are many of us who would like to do the same to our ex's. No one excused her conduct. NO ONE. You keep bringing this up, yet it was never there. Again, makes me think you are trying to deflect something off of yourself. > I have no idea what basic responsibility you are accusing me of > deflecting here. Again, I am a virgin. Again, I fully accept all > possible paths of getting this virus. Taking responsibility means not trying to hide the fact you have herpes. > I have been reading everything in sight to learn as much as I can about > this virus. > I will tell partners, but what they know and when they now it is > entirely on my terms. They will never hear the word "herpes" out of my > mouth I hope to all that's good above, you never date a friend of mine. You are not being truthful, you are planning on lying to your sexual partners. Lying. That's you. A lyer. There is no way you will ever get anyone here to agree that your methods are okay. To me, they speak of desperation and being a coward. >and I will emphasize that I am a virgin who has the "coldsore > virus". Will await anxiously for you to define virgin for me so I can help you figure things out. If I remember correctly, first you said you have no symptoms so you don't know where it is located. But then you said you have a genital rash. I don't exactly understand the actual facts here. >I plan to always practice common sense sex (condoms, no sex > during ob). But telling is entirely up to me and it will be done how, > when, and with whatever word choice I feel necessary (NOT lying!) to > get the point across. But, you are fully planning to hide the truth. (Hiding the truth equals lying) If you weren't, you would just say you have the herpes virus that generally causes cold sores. What will you tell your partner when you pass the virus on to her genitals? Ooops...now you have genital cold sores? No, it's herpes. Or, what about when she gets oral herpes from performing oral sex on your genitals...Sorry, I don't have a sexually transmitted disease...I just have cold sores on my genitals. Come on, get real. > If you tell me I need to responsible, tell me where and I'll try to > work on it. Everything in my emails has been telling you where to learn to be responsible. You are in some sort of deep denial, Eric. How many more times do I have to say it? I'll try it again: IF YOU DO NOT FULLY DISCLOSE YOUR HERPES STATUS, THEN YOU ARE NOT BEING RESPONSIBLE. WHEN YOU PURPOSELY LIE TO YOUR PARTNER, YOU ARE NOT BEING RESPONSIBLE. WHEN YOU DO NOT ALLOW YOUR PARTNER TO MAKE HER OWN HEALTH DECISIONS, YOU ARE NOT BEING RESPONSIBLE. ar Grant, > Yes, it is lying. You are trying to deny that hsv-1 is herpes. Now, if you > were to say you have the herpes virus that is generally spread non-sexually, [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > meaning of words...Perhaps you mean Clinton's definition of "I did not have > sex with that woman." I have no idea why you think I am trying to deny that hsv-1 is herpes. All I am trying to do here is to use the more common names for the herpes simplex type-1 virus, which is the "coldsore" virus, or if you don't like that, the "fever blister" virus. I just bought a package of Abreva and it says "effective against the coldsore virus". I could not even make that up. It doesn't mention the word herpes once on the package. Most people know type-1 as the "coldsore virus", not as herpes simplex virus type-1. I am NOT afraid to tell people that I have herpes simplex type-1 virus because odds are they don't even know what it is! It's like chicken pox, you don't say "my child just got infected with the varicella-zoster virus", you say my kid has chickenpox. I am not trying to conceal the truth anymore than people who use the word chickenpox. I have no problem telling people that the coldsore virus I have is a herpes virus, namely herpes simplex type 1. I want to to understand that I am not trying to be dishonest here in any way. I am just trying to use common language so that people understand. If I wanted to conceal the virus, I wouldn't tell at all. I will not get into specifics in my sex life because I feel that they are private. I think it suffices to say what I have said, that I am a virgin. I am going by the definition in the dcitionary, at http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=virgin So leave Bill Clinton alone, he was a much better pres than Bush, ok? ;-) > Taking responsibility means not trying to hide the fact you have herpes. Hopefully I just explained to you that if I was trying to hide it I simply wouldn't tell at all. I am not trying to that. > I hope to all that's good above, you never date a friend of mine. You are > not being truthful, you are planning on lying to your sexual partners. > Lying. That's you. A lyer. There is no way you will ever get anyone here > to agree that your methods are okay. To me, they speak of desperation and > being a coward. Again, hopefully I have cleared up the fact that I have no intent of concealing the truth. If someone asked me, "do you have herpes?" I would answer yes. And I will tell anybody that the coldsore virus that I have is herpes simplex type-1 and that the majority of folks out there already have the virus and have been infected with it non-sexually. Saying "coldsore virus" resonates with many, many more people that herpes simplex type 1. > If I remember correctly, first you said you have no > symptoms so you don't know where it is located. But then you said you have > a genital rash. I don't exactly understand the actual facts here. I have had a genital rash last summer which looked and felt like a sunburn. Never any blisters, never any ulcers. By the time I got to the doc, it was going away and he said it wasn't herpes but that it looked like a chafe. So while I am suspicious, I know nothing in terms of location. > But, you are fully planning to hide the truth. (Hiding the truth equals > lying) If you weren't, you would just say you have the herpes virus that > generally causes cold sores. Ooops...now you have genital cold sores? No, > it's herpes. Or, what about when she gets oral herpes from performing oral > sex on your genitals...Sorry, I don't have a sexually transmitted > disease...I just have cold sores on my genitals. Come on, get real. I'm done discussing how if I wanted to hide the truth I would say nothing at all. And if I wanted to lie, I would say I am not infected at all. I am doing neither. I am using the words "coldsore virus" because many more people know and understand what that is and what that means as opposed to saying I have "herpes simplex virus type 1". If you don't see this now, nothing else I say will ever make this clear to you. >What will you tell your partner when you pass > the virus on to her genitals? I'll say "I'm sorry this happened. We took all possible precautions, I told you that I have the "coldsore virus" which is hsv-1" It is not my job to educate her once I have disclosed to her. She can go on the internet or her doctor and find out what coldsores and hsv-1 is all about and what the risks are just like I have done. > IF YOU DO NOT FULLY DISCLOSE YOUR HERPES STATUS, THEN YOU ARE NOT BEING > RESPONSIBLE. I will fully disclose my hsv-1 status when I am actually diagnosed. > WHEN YOU PURPOSELY LIE TO YOUR PARTNER, YOU ARE NOT BEING RESPONSIBLE. I discussed this above. > WHEN YOU DO NOT ALLOW YOUR PARTNER TO MAKE HER OWN HEALTH DECISIONS, YOU ARE > NOT BEING RESPONSIBLE. In order to make her own health decisions past the point of me telling her "I have the coldsore virus" or "I have herpes simplex virus type 1", she has to read and research what hsv-1 is, what it means to her, and if she's willing to take the risk. It is NOT my responsibility to educate her, I only have to tell her that I have hsv-1 and that's it. She has to be responsible too, you know. Thank you again :-) ~Eric Eric, Your previous posts have said otherwise. They have said that you will not use the word herpes. They have said lots of things that you are now denying in this post. Could it be you have seen a tiny bit of light? I'm a democrat. Don't ever get me confused with anything else. Them's fightin' words. :) But he still had sex with that woman. > I have no idea why you think I am trying to deny that hsv-1 is herpes. Because you said you won't use the word herpes. > All I am trying to do here is to use the more common names for the > herpes simplex type-1 virus, which is the "coldsore" virus, or if you > don't like that, the "fever blister" virus. There's nothing wrong with saying you have cold sores. But I don't believe that using the common name is your motive. I question your motives because of the things you've said in previous posts. > I just bought a package of Abreva and it says "effective against the > coldsore virus". That's called a marketing tool. People wouldn't buy a herpes medication because of the fear of the word. But we are trying to change stigmas, right? I could not even make that up. It doesn't mention the > word herpes once on the package. Most people know type-1 as the > "coldsore virus", not as herpes simplex virus type-1. I am NOT afraid > to tell people that I have herpes simplex type-1 virus because odds are > they don't even know what it is! That is not what you've said in previous posts. It's like chicken pox, you don't say > "my child just got infected with the varicella-zoster virus& |
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