Hey Alex

good morning :)
don't get mad at me, k?  but I also feel like maybe you are being a little
over-sensitive in regard to this issue.   The truth of the matter is that
none of us really has an answer for you -- everyone is different after tx
just the same as everyone is different during tx, and I think it's all still
new/recent enough that the docs don't know either.  We're a bunch of lab
rats here....   and I hope someone, somewhere, is keeping track of not only
our sides during tx, but what we go thru after.   Sadly, I don't think many
doctors are really doing that -- I know I haven't seen my BCLD much since I
finished tx.

question for ya.... and again, please don't take this the wrong way.    Are
you still on your anti depressants?  If not, how did you stop taking them?
Did you wean off, did you go cold turkey.....   do you need to be on them
for a while yet?   I'm not trying to be a smart-a.s here.  I did find that
when I quit taking them (and I weaned off, but quickly cause I was tired of
being on them) I went through a period of adjustment where I was up and down
and over-reactive at times, a bit bipolar-ish :)   I evened out pretty
quickly, but probably would have been better off staying on the anti-d's for
a bit longer than I did.

I also find I don't have the patience I used to have (I think I said this
already huh...)    but I react badly to any kind of stupidity going on
around me, and I'm impatient when my hubby starts acting like he just popped
in from Mars and has no clue....   I dunno.   Maybe I have realized that
life's too short to play games, and I just want folks to be straight with me
and "say what they mean and mean what they say".   I've always been that
way, but now I think I am more so.    I just wish I could see *myself* as
clearly as I seem to see everyone else :))

then again, maybe the impatience is part of the aging process too :)   See,
it's just so hard to figure out what could be different about us due to tx,
and what's just the natural aging thing going on...   shrug.   Ultimately,
does it really matter?   We gotta live with it, no matter what caused it.

anyway, take care, k?   I'm curious about what's going on with you that
prompted the original email and question about post-tx changes....
something going on that concerns you?   anything you want to talk about?

hugs at cha, hope all is well
Sara
(btw, can you send me a link for the other website you started?   My other
puter decided to up and die on me and I lost a lot of stuff like that in the
process.  I liked dropping in over there.  you can email me at bb at wowway
dot com  -- thanks :)  )

There's nothing wrong with my "critical faculty" and CJ is not just another
pretty face... he's absolutely right on this one for those fiftysomethings
among us. I'd take it up a notch and suggest that we're in denial that our
bodies are doing the normal thing and beginning to deteriorate because of
advancing age. Hey, blame it all on tx and we don't have to admit that we're
no longer youthful.

Yeah, aging sucks and aging has some common physical symptoms. No one knows
what, if any, the "lingering conditions" are post-tx, but they often seem to
be identical to the symptoms of aging. Add to that that not all of us led
especially healthy lives and these aging symptoms might be a bit stronger.
My joints ache, I don't have the muscular strength and energy I did 20 years
ago, my hearing is poor, my eyesight is worse and my memory had its problems
too. Is this all a result of tx? Is it all a result of being +50 years old?
Is it all a result of decades of drinking and drugging, loud music, poor
diet, smoking, not getting enough rest, working in a sawmill without ear
plugs for ten years, a really bad car accident at 28, a remarkably sedentary
lifestyle for the past 25 years? I'll never know, but I suspect my age is
the biggest factor, followed by my lifestyle. Treatment may have absolutely
nothing to do with it. But, I'll never know.

Treatment was harsh on all of us. It went on for months and months and it
was the main focus of our existence. Not surprising that we don't dismiss it
all the day it ends. I understand this, but I don't understand why you
snapped at CJ's post. It made me smile, and had it been directed at me I
would have smiled wider. I think you owe the guy an apology, and I think you
should chill about the post, about your post-tx worries and about life in
general. That will go miles towards making you feel better. Get out there
and enjoy the freakin' day, you've been to the dark side of the moon and
back, and you made it. It's all good.

WS wrote:

Alex, buddy....

Thank goodness human brains are built to forget.  Otherwise there would be
no room for anything new to slip in.

Please don't snarl.  Let it go and force yourself to see tomorrow without
dragging your a.s through the past.  Waterspider has a way of being abrupt,
and you are somewhat touchy as I can understand.  Let it pass with grace and
a shrug.  Hendrix wrote: "Fly on my sweet angel, fly in to the sky..."

On the brighter side, just to let you know Alex, I fullfilled a long time
ambition of mine this past weekend.  When I was on tx in '04 and '05, I
found I felt I must fulfill my artistic and creative mindspace, and that
would occupy my anxiety about what was happening and what would happen in
the short and medium future regardless of my treatment outcome.  Something
added to my real experience was the lasting effects of tx, the psychological
thing that you should have read about by now in this message string.  But
leaving that outcome where it belongs, etc. here we are.  I was encouraged
those days by people in this newsgroup, and learned just about everything by
way of the Internet.

Well, I just returned from my first music festival vendor thing.  I have
busily improving my tie dye skills and building my inventory.  I set a goal
and having confidence in my ability and self discipline, I stepped through a
new doorway into a space I only dreamed about when I was 'downstairs in the
critical ward' of my treatment routine.  I learned a lot by way of the
internet about fabric work, and picked up tips that I experimented with,
although I still am somewhat daunted by the prospects of using the sewing
machine.  I also had lots of interaction with people of all age groups,
which I thoroughly enjoyed.  And I burned a sage smudge at my booth, offered
to me by a sweet young someone, which was perfect thing to happen.  It was
wonderful, and I will say again, other than the pysch thing which is
handled, I have had no lingering effects by way of combo tx.  It didn't
work, but I am in the majority of type ones that way.  C'est la vie dits les
anciens...

cactus jammies