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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Hepatitis / January 2006Lost & alone
I have been reading posts for over a year now and have posted a couple of times. I'm sorry to post this this way but I feel like there is no one to talk to and the way I am feeling right now is scary. Today will be shot 39 and for the most part I have been very lucky as far as side effects go. I think the depression is really getting me now. I can't function at all. I can't do anything but stay in bed. I have missed more work in the last two weeks than over the rest of the rx Today is the worst I am so alone and scared. Suicide has even crossed my mind which scared the hell out of me that won't happen but the fact that I thought about it scares the sh.t out me why would that even be a thought? This has got me so freaked out and confused I can't see straight. So if this is hard to read I apologize now. Of course none of my Dr. are available today so there is no one to talk to so I thought maybe writing this could help me clear my head some. It is taking everything in my power to do this simple task.I've done the praying and the meditating and they don't seem to help much. So if anyone has any suggestions feel free to give me any suggestions thanks David David don't do anything rash. You can email in here all day long until you can get help. I would think you need to go to emergency and not wait for your doctor. This is totally a side effect of treatment and you have almost made it. You do need anti-D's and you are not alone. Welcome to our hepper group. Stay close. Mags It's always distressing to hear that a fellow hepper is having a hard time. David, you should call your doc and ask him/her for some anti-d's. The final 12 weeks of tx were always the hardest on me mentally and I wouldn't think about doing it without taking them. elmo http://community.webtv.net/elmoemerson/DocElmosHepFile http://community.webtv.net/elmoemerson/TheFamilyAlbum Dude!! Do what the overwhelming advice from the group is. Get on some anti-D's, talk to your doc. And, write it out to us. We're here for ya!!. All of us!! We've been there too! Just bang it out on the old keyboard and post away. I find it really helps me when I feel like that. I'm a liver transplant patient that didn't work out and still have the virus. I'm also not a candidate for treatment. So, believe me when I say that I get down and out too. For me there's no reprieve. I'm sure you'll get your SVR either now or on another try!!  SignatureShawn (use the "reply feature on your browser to send a private reply via E-Mail.) > It's always distressing to hear that a fellow hepper is having a hard > time. David, you should call your doc and ask him/her for some [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > http://community.webtv.net/elmoemerson/TheFamilyAlbum >David don't do anything rash. You can email in here all day long until >you can get help. I would think you need to go to emergency and not [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > >Mags What mags said. Talk to your Doc pronto and get those AD meds. They worked wonders for me. They even help you sleep. GL David and hang dude. A lot of people in this group have been on through what you are going through. Hold on, it's doable. I haven't been through it yet. They will post here and give you some encouragement. Hold on. Doug >I have been reading posts for over a year now and have posted a couple of > times. I'm sorry to post this this way but I feel like there is no one to [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > > thanks David Hi David I'd be happy to call you if you need a friend to talk to... just email me at puffler@wowway.com with your number if you want. and I am willing to bet that everyone else on this list would make that same offer :) Sara >I have been reading posts for over a year now and have posted a couple of > times. I'm sorry to post this this way but I feel like there is no one to [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > > thanks David Sara it's best not to post your email addy as such. Instead write it out puffler"@"woway.com (remove quotes for email) or some such way. :-) Doug > Hi David > [quoted text clipped - 33 lines] >> >> thanks David >I have been reading posts for over a year now and have posted a couple of > times. I'm sorry to post this this way but I feel like there is no one to [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > > thanks David David, try to hang in there! Remember that things weren't always this bad and they WILL get better again. Suicide is never the answer. My husband did that 2 1/2 years ago, and he might have ended his own pain, but he left a shattered family behind. It's an incredibly selfish act. I'm not condemning you, just urging you to think it through. If you need someone who's been there, you can write me at ksbwhite<at>hotmail<dot>com. > I have been reading posts for over a year now and have posted a couple of > times. I'm sorry to post this this way but I feel like there is no one to [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > can't do anything but stay in bed. I have missed more work in the last two > weeks than over the rest of the rx David - maybe you should be considering going out on disability. Any sort of worry can be amplified the the treatment and not worrying about being able to get to work made me feel a LOT better. > Today is the worst I am so alone and > scared. Suicide has even crossed my mind which scared the hell out of me > that won't happen but the fact that I thought about it scares the sh.t out > me why would that even be a thought? This has got me so freaked out and > confused I can't see straight. So if this is hard to read I apologize now. No, we've all been there. Is there anyone you can call to just come over and bring you ice cream and sit with you and watch TV? Something to turn your mind back out on external things? Or just sit and keep posting, that helped me too. G >I have been reading posts for over a year now and have posted a couple of > times. I'm sorry to post this this way but I feel like there is no one to > talk to and the way I am feeling right now is scary. Today will be shot > 39 > and for the most part I have been very lucky as far as side effects go. Wow, 39 shots! Such a long and winding road it is, but David, you're on the home stretch now. That light at the end of the tunnel is *not* an oncoming train, I promise you! I > think the depression is really getting me now. I can't function at all. I > can't do anything but stay in bed. This happened to me too, after about 12-14 weeks. Horrible, dark, sticky and evil depression. I remember just laying in bed and crying, and not even knowing why. I totally forgot that it was a normal, common side-effect of the treatment. I thought I was losing my mind. I have missed more work in the last two > weeks than over the rest of the rx Aw, don't sweat it. Call in, book off for two more weeks and take it from there. The world will not end if you do. I promise! Today is the worst I am so alone and > scared. Suicide has even crossed my mind which scared the hell out of me > that won't happen but the fact that I thought about it scares the sh.t out > me why would that even be a thought? The drugs do f.ck with your brain, big time. I was on antidepressants, and I still thought of suicide in a detached, calm way that scared the hell out of me too. Plus the fatigue made it impossible to hop out of bed to go for a walk in the fresh air to clear my head. I know how you feel, and it's the worst feeling imaginable. No, wrong, it's not even imaginable. This has got me so freaked out and > confused I can't see straight. So if this is hard to read I apologize > now. No apology needed, you sound quite lucid. > Of course none of my Dr. are available today so there is no one to talk to > so I thought maybe writing this could help me clear my head some. It will help a lot. This group saved my sanity, if not my life, while on treatment. I was alone most of the time too, and in hindsight I think that makes things even harder. It is > taking everything in my power to do this simple task.I've done the praying > and the meditating and they don't seem to help much. So if anyone has any > suggestions feel free to give me any suggestions The first thing you need to do is calm down, and keep reminding yourself that the drugs are causing the depression and thoughts of suicide. You already know this, but be careful not to forget. Now you need to talk to a mental health worker or even go to your hospital's emergency ward to let them know how bad this really is. Don't soft-pedal it and exaggerate it if you have to. You need some help, tough guy, and there's no shame in that. There's probably a doctor out there who can give you a nice shot of something to take the rough edges off. As soon as you can see your regular doc, or a stand in with a bit of authority, you need a prescription for antidepressants. You didn't mention if you were taking antidepressants or not, but if you are, you need the dosage upped or you need a different type. When you talk to your doc, remind him that the meds/new meds may take a couple of weeks to kick in, and tell him that you're seriously concerned about this interval. He can prescribe something appropriate. If you want to talk privately, email me at waterspider at dccnet dot com. I'm here, I've been where you are, and I know how bad you feel right now. Here, buddy, gimme your hand, climb aboard the life raft! We're all here for you. Waterspider Hey David, You did a good thing posting here today. No need to apologize for anything there matey! Depression sucks, it's like you want to do something but nothing appeals to you so you just lay there and start thinking too much about the wrong things, if your lucky you can sleep, but most times you can't which kinda makes everything worse. I've been having a lot of scary feelings as well, and trust me, they pass. It ain't always easy but they pass. Don't worry about missing work, you are fighting a serious illness. I learned that from Spidey! I am alone as well, room mate is out of town, but he isn't much help anyway so the being alone and scared is no fun. That's where posting here really helps! Eveything you are feeling is within the scope of what we were warned about prior to starting tx. You are about to get shot 39 under your belt! You've come a very long way and admit you've been lucky. Focus on that. If you are taking Pegasys here is a number to call for help with your concerns, I am not sure if it's the 24/7 nursing hotline but it may lead you there: 1-877-734-2797 maybe you could talk to a nurse who could put you at ease. You could also email me at dwilde1@austin.rr.com and we could talk, I have unlimited free longdistance. I am sure others will be responding with lots more help so hang in there, you are going to be just fine! dort >I have been reading posts for over a year now and have posted a couple of > times. I'm sorry to post this this way but I feel like there is no one to [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > > thanks David Hi David. Lots of gentle folk in here who have been where you are, including me. I have a history of mild depression stuff and years of introspection about how various psychoactive drugs affect me. I am right about where you are in tx, so we'll be wrapping this up together. Your abnormally sad feelings are caused by the interferon and the fact that you're very run down. The nasty brain chemistry will pass. Step aside and view it rationally. There's lots of stuff in the med lit about this. It goes away. Here is bit from some recent research about how Ifn affects mood.: ..Many psychobehavioural symptoms are observed under IFNalpha treatment. Among them, mood disorders are known to occur after entry into treatment and to be within the reach of preventive measures. The reported frequency of depression during IFNalpha treatment ranges from 0 to 37%. This variation reflects either methodological biases (eg differences in psychiatric assessment) or the heterogeneity of the population of patients accepted in therapeutic protocols. Note that the adjunction of ribavirine to IFNalpha in therapeutic protocols has not brought any changes in the depression frequency. The causal relationship between IFNalpha administration and the occurrence of mood disorders has been tackled by various recent research works focusing on the importance of the immune system in the pathophysiology of depression.... I doubt, though, what they say about the addition of ribavirin. I'm sure it adds to the mental festivities. To see the whole summary, go to wwww.pubmed.gov and paste in this title: Hepatitis C, interferon a and depression: main physiopathologic hypothesis Hang on Bud. ONLY nine weeks to go! Kathy > I have been reading posts for over a year now and have posted a couple of > times. I'm sorry to post this this way but I feel like there is no one to [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > > thanks David David, I haven't been posting too much lately because of all the BS going on, but feel your post warrants a response. Your correct in assuming that the problem is depression. I went through the same thing and finally told the doc I was ready for an anti-d. He put me on Effexor and after a few weeks the depression was easily manageable. Talk to your doc as soon as possible and if your not on an anti-depressant, get on one. If you are on an anti-d, talk to your doc and increase the dosage or find a better one, it will help. Also remember, your not alone, you can come here for support, maybe this will help bring people here back to their senses and we will remember what we're here for. There are many people here who have gone through what you're describing and if no one else will talk to you, I will, I remember how scary it can be. I wish you the best, and I'll will be praying for you as well. At 39 weeks you're nearing the end of tx and it will be over before you know it, hang in there. Dwight David: I'm feel tremendously for your current state. I've been there, it's not pretty. First and foremost Dave, don't be hard on yourself. "feeling like you want to die" doesn't make you a low life..It makes you somebody who's at the end of their rope, at the moment. Take all the advice given here, make sure to keep eating and drinking right..Get lots of sleep and rest. Watch movies that make you feel good. Above all trust God to see you through. It ain't over till it's over David. And it aint over. Paul G. David- Well from someone who has done the 48 weeks of the peg/riba chemo, I would say your right about in the groove for the side affects. What you are saying is about how I felt, like pure sh.t. I lasted 12 weeks before I quit working. Get on some anti-depressants if your not already, or have the dose adjusted. Other side affects like nausea, headaches, can't sleep, there are meds to take care of that. I really leaned on the Hydrocodone, my headaches were blinding at times, but never had any problem when I stopped using those. By the end of treatment I was real tired of swallowing any kind of pills. I smoked some of that good stinky skunk weed, that helped too. And of course your doing the right thing posting how you feel. Good to get things off of your chest. Take it easy, the day will come when it will be over and you can do it. Just try to get through today and worry about tomorrow, er, well tomorrow. Hang in there, been there and know how your feeling. Russ >I have been reading posts for over a year now and have posted a couple of > times. I'm sorry to post this this way but I feel like there is no one to [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > > thanks David Been there too, they way you're feeling is part of the process, I had it pretty rough for the most part. Thoughts such as yours do happen, any stressors that aggravate you peace of mind need to be put aside for now, you're almost there now. Do contact your doc, your conselor if you are seeing one asap. Don't worry about work, you've a greater task that you're accomplishing right now. Lots of good replies here to your post. Put all you baggage aside for now, you won't need it at the top of the hill anyway. Good luck and aloha, Dave V >I have been reading posts for over a year now and have posted a couple of > times. I'm sorry to post this this way but I feel like there is no one to [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > > thanks David > Been there too, they way you're feeling is part of the process, I had it > pretty rough for the most part. Thoughts such as yours do happen, any [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > Good luck and aloha, > Dave V Hi Dave, Are you new here? Never noticed your name before... If you're new, welcome to ash-c and I hope we hear more from you. I'm wondering how long ago you did tx, with what and how did it go; you know, all the usual nosy questions. Happy New Year to ya! Waterspider been over a year since getting through treatment, still clean and happy about it. Had strain 1a, had the one shot of peg-interferon a week and 3 riba twice a day. Had all the side affects, and my doctors and myself did not think I would complete treatment, blood counts, weight loss, yada yada; fortunately I live in Hawaii, obtained a medical permit for canabis which I feel was a great aid in getting through treatment. Made it much easier to eat and keep things down and my blooc count up. Good mood elavator. The slight degree of distortion of time has made chemo and acts and pains, those of the moment rather than percieved of the day; in addition to analgesic qualities. One of the more interest things I thought that happened to me was "corruption of taste" corruption of smell" like all the rest wasn't bad enough. Half way through I had to take a break for two weeks to recoup myself, but then persevered the rest of the treatment. I just got back on to roadrunner, and able to check back on this group now, was on during treatment, probly didn't post much, was pretty sick. Usually use the handle davon96720. Pretty sure I remember your handle, you've been posting for awhile right? Have a happy new years and aloha, Dave aka davon96720 >> Been there too, they way you're feeling is part of the process, I had it >> pretty rough for the most part. Thoughts such as yours do happen, any [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > > Waterspider "da devil made me do it" <VAUGHNK004@hawaii.rr.com> wrote... > been over a year since getting through treatment, still clean and happy > about it. Yup, killing that dragon sure goes a long way towards cheering one up! Not to mention getting a better perspective about what's important in life. Glad to hear you're a member of Club SVR. Had strain 1a, had the one shot of peg-interferon a week and 3 > riba twice a day. Had all the side affects, and my doctors and myself did > not think I would complete treatment, blood counts, weight loss, yada [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > aches and pains, those of the moment rather than percieved of the day; in > addition to analgesic qualities. Yes, I toked my way through tx too. It's not that difficult to get the med pot here (BC Canada), but I didn't bother because (lol) I was too stoned and sick to make the effort. One of the more interesting things I thought that happened to me > was "corruption of taste" corruption of smell" Hey, I had that too, and I even had several episodes of what I call olfactory hallucinations. Once I got a really strong scent of popcorn! Yelled at my sweetie who was in the living room, "Hey, you making popcorn?" "No," he says. "But I can smell popcorn!" "We don't even have popcorn in the cupboard." "But I *smell* POP CORN!!!" It's funny now, but it was quite frustrating-- I really did smell popcorn! Poor Gerald. > Usually use the handle davon96720. Pretty sure I remember your handle, > you've been posting for awhile right? Yeah, I've been here for a few years (wow, time flies when you're having fun), and I recall davon but it seems like a long while ago. I hope you drop in more often. It's so very encouraging for folks contemplating/doing tx to hear from someone who has had success. All the best, Waterspider Thanks and a good one to you too. Toward the end of chemo I became real sensitive to hot food, which I love. Even catsup, the vinegar, was overwhelmingly hot. My Gatrointerologist prescribe, oh brain fog yet, the name, anyway suppose to be tasteless, but very minute particles that dropped on my tongue tasted horrible. Bamboo shoots, couldn't stand the taste of anything cooked with them.. One of my famorite things to drink is black cherry juice and it tasted like moldy cherries. Often milk was the one thing I could get down. In 97 I had toured the Russian space program for my Master degree, the day I got back to the state was the day a one in 500 year flood hit Grand Forks, N.D., so I went to my old home town in PA to my brothers, he thought I should have gone on to ND. You just don't voluntarily go into a natural disaster. After a couple weeks he tossed me over to my late sister's place, which he knew I thought was my private version of hell on earth. She had a number of freinds the were old ex-druggees, several of which had gone through treatment now for hvc. Kept finding my tooth brushes wet and tossed them out, guess I missed one. After summer was over and I went back to school, I immediately got sick, it took from end of Auguest to the end of Nov. for the student clinic to find I had a extremely high titration for epstein-barre mono. I kept getting sicker and sicker, loosing my short term memory, chronic fatigue the whole slew of it. I was diagnosed as having post-viral depression, occums razor, a diagnosis that followed me around the country for over four years; all the time I was telling the doctos something was eating at my liver (symptoms), I became very demented, lost my ability to read for four years. Everntually I made it back to Hawaii, after loosing my first round with social security, and got to see my old doctor her in Hawaii, a great guy, he listened to what I had to say, not read the first thing on the charts and discount me. By n bye, he caught my liver enzymes were off, the next time I came in, after more test, he asked me if I knew about Hep C, yes I did. Well the rest is history. Aloha, davon96720 > "da devil made me do it" <VAUGHNK004@hawaii.rr.com> wrote... >> been over a year since getting through treatment, still clean and happy [quoted text clipped - 44 lines] > > Waterspider Right on, man!!! Thanks for posting words of encouragement.....good to 'see' you! elmo //////////// VAUGHNK004@hawaii.rr.com (da devil made me do it) been over a year since getting through treatment, still clean and happy about it. Had strain 1a, had the one shot of peg-interferon a week and 3 riba twice a day. Had all the side affects, and my doctors and myself did not think I would complete treatment, blood counts, weight loss, yada yada; fortunately I live in Hawaii, obtained a medical permit for canabis which I feel was a great aid in getting through treatment. Made it much easier to eat and keep things down and my blooc count up. Good mood elavator. The slight degree of distortion of time has made chemo and acts and pains, those of the moment rather than percieved of the day; in addition to analgesic qualities. One of the more interest things I thought that happened to me was "corruption of taste" corruption of smell" like all the rest wasn't bad enough. Half way through I had to take a break for two weeks to recoup myself, but then persevered the rest of the treatment. I just got back on to roadrunner, and able to check back on this group now, was on during treatment, probly didn't post much, was pretty sick. Usually use the handle davon96720. Pretty sure I remember your handle, you've been posting for awhile right? Have a happy new years and aloha, Dave aka davon96720 "Waterspider" <waterspider@moonlight.net> wrote in message news:11rgb50d8hgp28b@corp.supernews.com... "da devil made me do it" <VAUGHNK004@hawaii.rr.com> wrote in message news:s5Otf.9967$hI1.2229@tornado.socal.rr.com... Been there too, they way you're feeling is part of the process, I had it pretty rough for the most part. Thoughts such as yours do happen, any stressors that aggravate you peace of mind need to be put aside for now, you're almost there now. Do contact your doc, your conselor if you are seeing one asap. Don't worry about work, you've a greater task that you're accomplishing right now. Lots of good replies here to your post. Put all you baggage aside for now, you won't need it at the top of the hill anyway. Good luck and aloha, Dave V Hi Dave, Are you new here? Never noticed your name before... If you're new, welcome to ash-c and I hope we hear more from you. I'm wondering how long ago you did tx, with what and how did it go; you know, all the usual nosy questions. Happy New Year to ya! Waterspider http://community.webtv.net/elmoemerson/DocElmosHepFile http://community.webtv.net/elmoemerson/TheFamilyAlbum |
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