FYI

Dear People of the USA
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective  today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister
(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
minister for

America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will
be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.  You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U'  is nothing more than laziness. Likewise, you will spell  'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the
letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix  "ize" will be
replaced by the suffix "ise".You will learn that the  suffix 'burgh' is
pronounced  'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as
'Pittsberg' if you can't cope. Using the same twenty- seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as  "like" and  "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.  There will be no more
'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with
bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.

2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted accordingly.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.  It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking
about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as  Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire,  all American States will become "shires" e.g.  Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or  "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for an audience who can't cope  with
the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American  "football" is not a very good game.
No one else plays  "American" football. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American  "football",
but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing
full kevlar body armour like  nancies). You should stop playing baseball. It
is not reasonable to host an event called the  'World Series' for a game
that is not played outside of America.

6.  You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer
be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
vegetable peeler.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian. Those things
you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips
are thick cut and fried in animal fat.

9. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be  referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as  "American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as  "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with
the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's  Urine".  This will allow
true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

11 Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due  (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

The People of Britain.