hello again

thanks to you all.

i just need to play my blues to someone, is that alright?

i think i'm getting along with the seizures. six months is a long time
to get used to them, isn't it?
and i could cope with it, if it was the only thing.

i want to tell about a very dear friend of mine, ideed about several
dear friends.

some time before i started to have this lot of seizures, i had some
brain surgery. they removed a tumor. i already told this, i know.
the surgery was no problem. not for me. but this friend took it very
hard. he tried to commit suicide, because he thought i might die, or
change completely due to the surgery. well, he survived.
i'm the only person whom he really trusts.
some time later, it was my birthday party this year, he got very
drunk. he's depressive, you know. i put him in my bedroom. to get some
rest.
there he tried his next attempt. i decided never to have a birthday
party again.
i brought him to a psychiatric hospital. i promised i'll help to get
through this.
he was discharged from there some days later.
it was about the same time when i started to have seizures.
he must not know, for i don't know what happens when he does.
thus, i havn't heard from him in weeks. i feel like crap, because i
don't keep my promise. because i don't dare to let him know what's
going on.
i could cope with it, if it was the only thing.

another friend of mine. also the depressive type. for good reasons,
but to tell these would go too far. let me just tell the effect.
i have to forget about my own stuff, most of the time, and do the pep
talk. because she was down most of the time i did half of her studies
as well as mine. she can't afford anything to go wrong. it would
probably end her studies.
no prob, friends do these things. fortunately she's doing much better
at the moment. but somebody has to take care that the situation stays
this way. it can be a very tough job.
i could cope with it, if it was the only thing.

and a third friend. he called two weeks ago. he has the same kind of
tumor i had. it's the least dangerous type of tumor you can have. they
diagnosed it after he had a grand mal. i can't reach him. hope
everything is alright.
i could cope with it, if it was the only thing.

so far, so good. sorrows about other people, some of them at least.

i'm in trouble with the prosecution. they charge me with deceit.
because i saved money. for the case i get into a f.cking situation
like i'm in now: since i didn't study the semester after my surgery,
didn't get the grant i used to get before. i don't have the right to
get social-welfare until i'm 27, because of my f.cking father who
never supported me in any way. i'm 24 now. i don't have the right on
anything. never get into a loophole, even if you live in a welfare
state like i do.
i should have mentioned my savings, when i applied for the grant, but
i didn't. they took them, anyway.
most of the folks, who did the same thing got away with it. obviosly i
won't.
just because i knew i can't claim the right on anything. just because
i was afraid of future. funny, isn't it?

for the period of this semester i could still get the grant. since the
attorney has my file, the guys from the university can't work on it.
and i do get nothing. i'm waiting since april.
i have trouble finding a job i can do with my seizures still going on.
even if i have only minor seizures: they affect my motoric system and
my language.
i desperately need an effective medication. they all seem to fail, up
to now. my neuro is not satisfied.
i'm lucky, since i got my hands on some money and can afford the money
for the university.

i was told to break off my studies, if i can't afford it. how
wonderful, i've just finished about a third of my finals with the full
marks. i'm f.cking good at what i am doing. it may sound silly, but my
studies are giving me a lot of comfort right at the moment. to break
off is out of decision.
and i could cope with it, if it was the only thing.

the brain-scar hurts like hell. i wake up with headaches, i go to bed
with them.
they say there's not much one can do about it. that the pains will
wear off, sooner or later.
every grand mal leaves a large gap in my memory. after a seizure i do
things i can't remember later. the longest of these gaps took about 14
hours, though i guess i slept about 8 of them (i hope so, my
icq-history showed me what i did in the other 6 hours). it scares me.
i have started forget things. not minor things, but stuff i should
have known. one should remember the name of their mother, should one?
this scares me even more.

so what? life goes on. sometimes everything seems a bit too much.
but it doesn't feel that bad when telling someone.

raist

Raist,
It's no big help but the seizures come with the other disasters it
seems. Are you doing better now? Another hug to you! sue