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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Epilepsy / July 2007PLEASE HELP! DATING SOMEONE WITH EPILEPSY
Hello all, my name is Alexandros and I am from Greece. I am dating someone with epilespy. I met her from an Internet service and before the first date she told me in an e-mail that she has seizures once every 2-3 months. I want to continue to date her (and vice versa I think) but she barely talks and she seems sleepy and withdrawn to herself. So there are moments where we sit and just look the others at a cafe. She is also sluggish with her movements except walking (she walks fast). She also has swollen gums. Are all these things because of medications, epilepsy, low self-image or just her character? How should I treat her? (I don't have epilepsy). Thanks A.M. > Hello all, my name is Alexandros and I am from Greece. I am dating > someone with epilespy. I met her from an Internet service and before > the first date she told me in an e-mail that she has seizures once > every 2-3 months. Hi Alexandros. Congratulations on finding a nice date! I was in a similar situation some years ago, when my girlfriend told me about her epilepsy. Don't pretend it's not there. Learn all there is to know about it, then the two of you will have a solid base of mutual trust about the subject, and it won't be awkward any more, and you can get on with the the good stuff in life. > I want to continue to date her (and vice versa I think) but she barely > talks and she seems sleepy and withdrawn to herself. So there are [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > Are all these things because of medications, epilepsy, low self-image > or just her character? Ask her - for example, ask her about her medication. Let her explain the effects they have. Besides answering your questions, it'll give you two something to talk about, and she'll know you are genuinely interested in her, and then you two can move on to more interesting stuff. > How should I treat her? (I don't have epilepsy). Again, ask her. Ask her about her seizures, whether they announce themselves (often called an "aura"), what you should do when she has a seizure. Do her seizures occur at specific times? Is there anything she can do to avoid seizures or reduce their frequency? (Some people are sensitive to certain foods, alcohol; changes in sleep patters are often bad). Maybe she'll take you along to the next appointment with her doctor, maybe she doesn't want that (yet). Again, it's important for both of you that you know these things, partly because she'll be totally reliant on you during a seizure (you'll be literally on your own then - she simply won't be there herself - and you will want to know what to do, and *she* will want to know that you'll be able to handle it), and more importantly, because the sooner you two get this sorted out, you'll have lots more interesting stuff to discover about each other. Some things I learned, which may help you: 1 Yourself: The first time you are present when she has a seizure will have a big impact on your relationship. Maybe she'll be very withdrawn afterwards, maybe hostile, maybe she'll be afraid she scared you off. The more you talk about it beforehand, the better you two are prepared, the less insecurity will result. 2 Other People: A seizure where family are present, especially parents, will be a totally different experience for you than a seizure in public, and a seizure where you are alone with her. People can react in absolutely unexpected ways. 3 Herself: Be prepared for her question "Why me". I don't think there is an answer, but the question *will* come up. 4 Becoming Over-Protective: After a few months, you may notice yourself watching the calendar, keeping an eye on her, thinking, "it's been such and so many weeks since her last seizure". She will sense this, no matter how good you think you are hiding it. She may be annoyed by it. It can be a strain on a relationship, so talk about it, too. Similarly, you will probably start keeping track of her medication, and she'll notice, and that can be a source of conflict, too. Keeping a balance between caring for her well-being and becoming protective is challenging. 5 Significance of Seizures: An epileptic seizure can be spectacular - it's essential not to attach too much importance to it, and also not to make a taboo of it. Again, find a good balance. Good luck to you two! Cheers, Florian  Signature.O. This thing, that hath a code and not a core, ..O Hath set acquaintance where might be affections, OOO And nothing now Disturbeth his reflections. -- Ezra Pound, "An Object" >> Hello all, my name is Alexandros and I am from Greece. I am dating >> someone with epilespy. I met her from an Internet service and before [quoted text clipped - 77 lines] > Cheers, > Florian Florian, As someone who has been in this situation personally, I agree with your post 100%. Exceptionally well-written, and very informative. Patrick > deus_mith...@yahoo.com writes: > > Hello all, my name is Alexandros and I am from Greece. I am dating [quoted text clipped - 84 lines] > OOO And nothing now > Disturbeth his reflections. -- Ezra Pound, "An Object" Thanks a lot Florian! The things that I describe in my mail happened in our second date. In the next dates she was very vivid and talkative! I asked her and she told me that sometimes she can't speak (but she can listens) when she has a sezure (I think this is called petit mal?). She told me in such moments to do nothing, just wait and that when she has a seizure she never lose conscience. Also that medications have no serious side effects on her. Does all these make sense? Yours Pericles-Alexandros Greece > The things that I describe in my mail happened in our second date. In > the next dates she was very vivid and talkative! I asked her and she > told me that sometimes she can't speak (but she can listens) when she > has a sezure (I think this is called petit mal?). The terminology is a bit complicated. From your description I'd say she has some sort of partial (also called "focal") seizures: that is, they are confined to a certain part of the brain, and do not spread. "Petit mal" is an older term for absence seizures, which does not fit your description. The term is often not used strictly, though. > She told me in such moments to do nothing, just wait and that when > she has a seizure she never lose conscience. Also that medications > have no serious side effects on her. Good! Now you know a lot more. In particular, you know what her seizures are like and how to react. Since she has partial seizures, you might not even notice them at first, depending on how long they take. Now relax - you'll learn more as the need arises. > Does all these make sense? Certainly. Don't you trust her to tell you the truth? :) Good luck to both of you. Cheers, Florian Signature.O. This thing, that hath a code and not a core, ..O Hath set acquaintance where might be affections, OOO And nothing now Disturbeth his reflections. -- Ezra Pound, "An Object" What you muat remember is that everyone's epilepsy is particular to his/her/self. Terms like `petit mal', grand mal, minor/major seizures/fits are very general ones. Grand mal/major ones usuually involve convulsions Petit mal is used to mean momentary absences which neither the person concerned nor a brain scanner can detect. They may sound as though they are nothing to worry about but it's possible to have lots of them. If they occur when a child is being taught then his/her learning may be affected e.g. if a class is told 2+2+2=6 but the child has an absence then s/he may thibk they were told 2+2=blank= 6. This means that if s/he is then asked what 2+2=, s/he may say 6, because that's what s/he heard. My own fits are partial ones which involve my having an aura - I describe it as feeling like exam-nerves - and then I tend to make noises, even sing, and then go to bed if I'm at home or go home if I'm out. If anyone tries to stop me then I fight. I must be aware of what's going on at the time but have no memory of it afterwards. Later on - anything from a few secs to several minutes - I come round feeling rather muddled and my last memory is of the aura, so I know what's happened. If I'm with people I know well then I'll tell them I feel as though I'm going to have a fit and if they keep my attention well enough it may just end with the aura. That's enough for now but I'll describe the metaphoric model I used to describe them another time and what tends to trigger mine. Long before my epilepsy started I had a friend with it and I was afraid to be on my own with her. Once one has it then the important thing is to educate others because prejudice comes from fear which stems from ignorance. Cheers, Chris L. St Andrews, Scotland > Thanks a lot Florian! > The things that I describe in my mail happened in our second date. In > the next dates she was very vivid and talkative! I asked her and she [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > effects on her. > Does all these make sense? > Yours > Pericles-Alexandros > Greece I also have seizures, they think. They won't get me tested. I usually just shake, hyperventilate, and twitch, sometimes resulting in me landing on the floor curled up with my blanket and shawl and I usually just shake and cry until it's over. my particular ora is smelling perfume or having a major flashback of my parents. > What you muat remember is that everyone's epilepsy is particular to > his/her/self. Terms like `petit mal', grand mal, minor/major seizures/fits [quoted text clipped - 48 lines] >> Pericles-Alexandros >> Greece Hi. My name is Dominique. I'm 16 yrs. old. My mother has been epileptic since she was 11. Now she's 48. My father and I have been living with this sickness for a long time. Every time she gets sick, I'm always scared for her safety bcuz she's much bigger than me, and only my dad can protect her. I just wanted to tell my story to c if anybody would like to pray for my mother bcuz she's going into surgery in 1 week, to c if she can b seizure free. The surgeon said it's a 50/50 chance of her making it. Thanks for taking out the time to read my short story. God bless. >> Hello all, my name is Alexandros and I am from Greece. I am dating >> someone with epilespy. I met her from an Internet service and before [quoted text clipped - 74 lines] >Cheers, >Florian Alexandros Florian really gave you a great overview. I base my answers on MY experience... >How should I treat her? (I don't have epilepsy). As if she were normal, being aware that she has the condition so you can act accordingly in the event of a seizure. Consider talking to your doctor about the specifics, the do's and don'ts of what to do. > I want to continue to date her (and vice versa I think) but she barely talks and she > seems sleepy and withdrawn to herself. So there are moments where we sit and > just look the others at a cafe. She is also sluggish with her movements except > walking (she walks fast). She also has swollen gums. As Florian suggested, ask her what her meds are. But having some of the same symptoms, I suspect she is on Phenytoin (Dilantin) as one of her meds. Swollen gums was the giveaway, at least for me, as I have that problem and needing occasional correction. > Are all these things because of medications, epilepsy, low self-image or just her > character? One to all of the above, I'd say. Hope this helps some, at least. Also feel free to come back with more questions; someone should have an answer. Malv > Hello all, my name is Alexandros and I am from Greece. I am dating > someone with epilespy. I met her from an Internet service and before [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > Thanks > A.M.
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