I'm post this for you so you can see life has many up and downs. I've
gone through many ddangers and come out unharmed. As there are poeple
out there do really care and want to help. So does God He'll send
speicall people into your life to give you support and care where ever
they can.  By shutting them out you lose a chance to teach, share, and
gain special friends out. You arent alone in this struggle, and for me
I know things could be a whole lot worse than this. Though it's a life
long struggle, it isnt seen every day or by as many as it seems at
times.  If someone gets embarressed because of it, it's because they
don't know what this is like or what to do. So they must listen and
learn.

r u sure you're ready for this one? !

I was born in Canada, to Brian & Jean Hollywood. I have 2 siblings. 1
sister older than me and 1 brother younger than me. Being the middle
child was a living Hell with them. I got the @@@@ from both ends. lol

I knew my life was going to be hard right from birth. When the Dr ,
messed up and dropped me on my head. Causing my skull to break. ( No
need to spank me, lol ) However I know God was there as The fall could
of killed me or broken my neck or caused any other number of things to
go wrong. But God didn't allow anything more than I could handle, and
kept me with all my senses like hearing and seeing. As well as allowing
me to walk or talk , all the important things.

However I did grow up living with epilepsy, having grand mal seizures,
and a few other types as well. Through out my life. At one point I was
having 25 gms (grand mal seizures) a day, during my middle and high
school years As well as other types, like complex partials, peti mal.
Many times I was sent home from school with my school work. It's a
wonder I could function at all. There were many times my medication
levels got dangerously high and made me toxic from them. As well as
many others reasons for my seizures to happen. Puberty was a living
hell as well.

I had very few friends growing up as most of my peers shunned me or
weren't allowed to be around me outside of school. As some parents
seemed to believe many of the myths or that my epilepsy was contagious.
But those I had were fiercely protective of me. I was a very active
child however, I did everything I could do in the way of sports or
activities. Like rollerskating , jumping off roofs, climbing trees,
running track, and playing softball. My dad coached us so we got to
first place. I loved living the life as a tomboy. I did it mostly to
prove people wrong, which seemed to be my theme growing up in life. My
seizures got in the way of a lot of my schooling but didn't stop it
completely. I did fall off bleachers some or get stuck in a few places
in school , because of seizures , but always there were people nearby
to help me.

I had a lot of troubles growing up with men, I was raped , beaten,
mugged, molested, and shoved around to name a few things. NEVER BY MY
DAD OR MOM THANKFULLY. I never let them know much of it when I was
younger as it would of tore them apart and could of killed my dad early
as he had a bad heart. They had a enough to worry about because of me.
So I just locked it up inside me. Only God knows it all. I  did my best
to be the good girl, daddy's little girl and helper whenever I could.
As I knew he didn't feel well a lot of the time and he knew if I didn't
feel good , so we could lean on each others. At some points in my life
I was on 30 pills a day or more(honestly) and out of control of my
health..

I graduated High School ( the only 1 of the 3 kids to do so ) , then
went to Canada for 2 months as one of my gifts.

Then on my 18 birthday I began getting extreme migraines and couldn't
lift my head by the next day. Then 2 weeks after I turned 18 the dr.
found a brain tumor, (which was caused by the initial drop, at birth).
It was found just in time as it was causing me not to be able to
function at all except to speak or slither across the floor. They said
to my parents if they had waited any longer or did the spinal tap I was
originally sent there to have, my head would of exploded from the
pressure, built up inside. (Literally) My dad was terrified about it,
as he and I were so close . They kept a lot things back from me about
it then. As they were afraid it would be too much for me to know. I
just left it all to them and said I needed a good rest anyways. I had
my surgery (10-25-82) . I knew God's hand was with me all the way
.(especially when I heard what they did keep back from me til it was
all over) I think the funniest things for me about it all was my dad
wore out 3 pairs of shoes in the month during and after my surgery, and
lost a lot of weight.
I was thankful that God was still with me. As the tumor was there
because of the bone fragment that got lodged in my brain. So it was my
body's way of removing it. God had enclosed it into a sack of liquid,.
so it wasn't going anywhere else. It was however both benign and
malignant, it was the size of a golf ball, and perfectly round, with
malignant philanges(fingers) coming out of it. So they wouldnt tell me
if it would grow back or not. As the drs. were all stumped, to it all.
How it was there and what it had in it's center. I refused any chemo. -
or radiation treatments. As I didn't want any more trouble, or problems
with keeping my medicines down etc. I said if it's meant to come back
then all the radiation in the world wouldn't kill it. They said if it
didnt come back in 12 years it probably wouldn't . So I said then I'll
wait a see. It never has, and it's now been 24 years for me. I had a
lot to live for still ahead of me.
"I've always been different and unusual never going by what textbooks
describe about epilepsy, or what happens in a seizure. As I was never
tired after them but energized instead, I could also hear what people
were saying to me while I was in them. So if you cursed me or were
cruel I could repeat it all back to you when I was 100 % myself again.
I didn't really lose any of my senses during the seizures, except for
my balance. Often I was accused of faking them because of that detail.
  You would need to write a new book just about me to learn it all.
lol.  As I'm proof that we are all different in how life / and seizures
effect us individually
However pain soon came my way again few years later, when A drunk
driver side swiped and instanly killed my first finace'. He was on his
motorcycle. We had just been happy and excited ,about the thought of
life together. I was standing in the parking lot when I saw it happen.
I screamed and ran out to him. I begged him to hold on don't give up.
He died while I was l sitting  with his head in my lap, Trying to will
him to live. "I still wonder sometimes what that relationship would of
been like, had it been allowed to grow and blossom".

I was told I'd never function like you would , what they considered a
normal life, ( but this was and is all normal for me) I wouldn't
graduate, get a job, get married ,as no one would want me. I'd never
drive a car, or have a home of my own . I couldn't have kids of my own,
as I wouldn't have the strength or abilities to do this. Plus a few
other things.. ( ) God didn't agree. For everything on the list of 12
things I woudn't / couldn't do. God said just watch. He knew my deepest
hopes and fear, and how much I wanted to succeed.    So for every storm
, or trial that came my way, in the aftermath of them was something
good for me.       He brought into my life some true friends. They have
never let me down. Gave me the model I always said I'd marry. (even
though my family fought me all the way, they hated him),  I got my
little girl first (very high risk pregnancy, 300 grand mals in the 9
mos) but I didn't give her up, I said that if I shouldn't have her God
would take her. I had 3 miscarriages between my 2 kids. The first 2
were the same pregnancy, but at different times. As they were forming
in different places, one got stuck in my tubes as the other dropped
down . And the 3 rd baby was the following year. They were all formed
enough to know what they would of been (2 boys and a girl)         I
had my blonde hair blue eye boy, I always drempt of. Again it was
another high risk pregnancy, (I had 190 grand mals with him ) I was
lucky to never land on my stomach at any time, always on my butt, which
is well padded. So it cushioned my falls real well. Both came out
unharmed by my seizures, or my medications, and are honor, advanced
students in school. With awesome personalities. I learned to drive, for
emergencies only, as walking keeps me alive, and healthy, and the roads
safe (lol). I have a home with my OWN family given to me by God. As
well having jobs along the way.
The worst parts of my relationship with my husband was our families his
didn't like me, because of my health problems, they didn't think I was
good enough for him, and mine didn't like him because they didn't think
he was stable enough for me. So they threw road blocks up along the
way. My first meeting with his dad, I only spoke to him for around 20
minutes and he formed his own opinion of me based on what Matt's
sisters told him. So I knew I'd never get a long with him. In fact the
only one that did like me in the beginning was His mom. She and I got
along well as she told him there was something special about me. (which
is funny for me as they say you dont often get along with their moms)
She even told one of her daughters she'd be a much better person if she
was half the person I am, With my kind orf personality. ( that made me
laugh)
My parents and family had always wanted something better for me , like
someone rich enough to take care of me and my needs. However all I
wanted was LOVE as I wanted to feel needed and cared for, and knew I
wasn't a rich man's ideal for a wife. (not pretty to look at, just
trying to be beautiful inside)    My family told me to give him up ,
not to stand by him when He was down and out and needed me the most at
that moment. But I stood my ground, They said it wouldn't last, I said
they were wrong. I've been with him 20 years now, married to him 18 of
those years. My sister has been married 3x' s in her life, and my
brother never has. So I say I have it good.     My grandmother was the
only one to tell me to hold strong, and fight for him, he has some good
in him. I followed her advice, and clung tightly, As I know that
whenever my family liked one of my boyfriends, it wasn't going to last
with them, I'd always get hurt by them, dumped, abandonned, or hit
around. so I learned to go the opposite way of what they said. My
sister told me that if he ever hit me or hurt me she'd kill him , but
when there was a problem and I had to get a way for a while she looked
the other way.    I did continue working for my parents for a number of
years after we got married, even though they didn't like my husband
they learned to tolerate him for my sake and for my kids. My parents
eventually began changing their tune about him when they saw we loved
each other enough to support each others views and spent alot of time
together as a family with our kids. Over the years his family did warm
up to me but not very quickly. However now it is the reverse if ever I
had to leave him because of harm or other problems, they'd support me,
and leave him to his own devices. Total surprise to me. As he is their
flesh and blood.

Through out life as an Epileptic, I've had many close calls, brushes
with death. During seizures I've fallen in the middle of busy
highwways, roads. Always however traffic has stopped and waited for me
to wake up. while people got out to make sure I was well. I've been
mugged, in broad day light. I've been hit by car on the sidewalk while
walking with my kids, and only gotten bruised. I've fallen into ditches
from seizures, had a few of them while swimming or at the beach. One of
them while holding my baby girl, on the reef at a beach, God sent an
angel then and caught my baby as I fell. both of us were unharmed. ( I
know it was an angel as she disappeared right after that , never seen
again)
I've been brushed by a semi up here while in a seizure, I was walking
and didn't know it, the only thing damaged then was my watch my shorts
and my shoes, as well as scaring the crap out of the truck driver, the
rest of me was unharmed.    I fell off a cliff and landed in the river
up here . Missing the rocks near by, just cold and wet was all I got.
There are times I fell in dangerous areas you wouldn't normally want to
walk through , yet came out safely in the end.
I was also held as gun point while working for my dad , I faked a
seizure that time and scared him away, without him getting any of my
dads money. When my dad came in with 5 cop cars ,as we were doing C.O.P
that night ( Citizens on Patrol ) , he said he knew it really happened
as my skin was crawling, and quivering. From the shock of it and
forcing my seizures on. My friend that was with never saw the gun  she
only heard the guy speak. As I blocked it from her view and kept my
hands firmly on my counter so as not to reach out for it or make any
sudden moves that could hurt either one of us. We never got the guy,
however the next night the motel across the street was held up and the
night clerk was killed . Then another time I sat down just in time
before the gun my brother was playing with went off by accident. Or I
would of had the bullet go through my head.    I've torn ligaments, and
tendons in my shoulder, arms and leg. But healed very quickly from
each.  The only lasting injury I have is a broken shoulder (seperated
collar bone) that happened on my wedding anniversary ,(2-29-00) .
Which I deal with as they told me they could do damage to me if they
hit my nerve trying to fix it , it would cause me to lose the use of it
completely.
I could give you pages upon pages more of the miracles I've seen or
had happen to me, but it would be way too long to read, "These are just
a few of the most amazing and most memorable for me." So maybe some day
I'll write a book for you all to see .
It is because God is always there I choose to reach out and help feed
my hungry elderly, or disabled, underprivileged people.  As I used to
do it with my dad as a child (and with my own children to show them
others have needs as well.) . In Fla it was a really good feeling to
make someone else happy, and To show them I care and understand what
they go through, because of my misfortunes and heartaches, I can
comprehend their troubles and pains, as I've seen them too.. As well as
having to live on $20 week in food for the 4 of us in my family. God
had shown me it is possible. I buy dried things one week , then fresh,
the next then milk or breads, etc. I dont eat meat. (rarely do I if
any) usually just cheese for a sandwich. And canned food another week.
I make soups or get fruits off the trees to make treats, like apple
pies or cobblers or shakes. So that also gives me enough to feed my
people. I can't get fat this way. As I eat just enough to stay alive. I
have a self preservation mechanism in me to keep me strong and going. I
want to ensure that there is always enough food for my family to have
as they are still growing. they take their lunches to school or work, I
want to be a good wife and mommy the way God wants me to be.

My parents are both dead now. My dad's death tore me apart
tremendously, it took a long time for me to recover from my loss , As
we were always so close in life, and best friends.. It tore me apart
that Satan kept me away from him during his final moments of life.  My
phone didn't work that night, for in coming calls, and they didnt stop
by to get me as it was so late. That wouldn't of mattered to me what
time it was. I never said good bye .    My husband was mean towards me
about it, and said some bad things, because I couldn't get past my
shock and sorrow right away. As he didn't have the same type of close
relationships in his family. They werent very loving towards each
other. but I leaned on God strongly. As I had to be strong for my
family.
I had to move not long after that to Tennessee as my husband wanted to
leave Florida. As it was just to scary for him , to think of our kids
growing up around the crime and drugs. So against my will I moved away.
I wanted to see my husband fail, and prove him wrong, I knew it
wouldn't be very kind and welcoming to someone like me. The hardest
part for me was watching my mother cry, in front of me. As I was the
only child they had that cared about helping my parents with things. I
stood by them and never did  illegal drugs or ran away. While my
siblings did.        Then 6 years after my dad died I lost my mom.
However I was there for her during her last days . She suffered so bad,
painfully from radical, lung cancer to far gone to save. That I was
holding her cradling her in my arms and soothing her during that time.
she knew I was there and cared about her.  She would call for me if I
left even for a moment. So it was almost a relief to know that God took
her to rest in peace., there her pain is gone. I didn't cry over her
death the way others did, but grieved privately with in myself and
through my poetry. She's knows nothing now , till she's raised up to be
with my dad and us again. It is comforting to me. But after my parents
were gone, my siblings threw me away saying I didn't deserve anything ,
as My parents cared more about me, (not true, it's just I was always
there ) They blame me for stealing my parents love, from them. Because
I had seizures and needed more care (like I asked for this ailment! )
My sister despised me growing up, and my brother and I were friends.
However now it is reversed. My sister and I talk and share things, but
my brother loathes me and has threatened to kill me if he ever sees me
again. The properties were left to them because they manipulated the
situation to work for them. They gave me very little if anything ,
saying my husband can support and care for me. Even the little bit of
money I should of gotten from selling one of the properties was taken
away from me. My parents didn't plan it this way, but greed took them
over. No matter How bad they treat me or throw me away, I still pray
for them and love them as they are family. I just hate what they do to
me. God does protect me and give things to me. No matter what they say
I am loved.

While living up here in Tenn, I've had a few good things happen to me,
However people choose to shun me, ridicule my efforts or ability to
care. Say I do great work, then call me a liabilty. So I get fired from
whatever job I do get. I've tried to start up a support group for
epilepsy , did well for awhile till they chose to take them back from
me , as they said they wouldn't get the money from United Way if I was
doing it, I taught my Sabbath school class, and that got ripped out
from me, saying it was time to replace me and get new blood in even if
I didnt agree, they also pushed me out of my woman's ministry I had
tried to do for them. Then just recently a person I thought was a
friend tore me apart accusing me of fabricating lies for the article
she wrote about me and the minitsry of feeding people I was doing
personally out of my own time and budget. With a little help from my
church for a time being. She said she wouldnt believe anything I'd try
to say in my defense or for God's truth, as she knew I would just be
twisiting it to suit me. she had her sources and that was good enough
for her. So I wrote a letter in my defense to the whole church to
prevent any damage she may do or if rumors began flying around about
me. It caused some people to be concerned as they said no one believed
this way. I explained why I sent it was only to protect me. I said I
wouldnt go to church for the time being as I was trying to get my
health back anyways. That would give me time to heal from the damage
she has done to me. The one that told her the lies was the one actually
helping me. She chose to tell them I kept everything for me and did
nothing I said I was doing for the community. I gave her so much of it
to help as well, and cook up for the neighbors we knew so well. But she
didn't do any of it , but just hoarded it all away. She went behind my
back to some of my friends there that she thought would listen to her.
But they chose to turn away. I was never told she did this, they didnt
think it would reach me. They never wanted me to hear what she did. My
Pastor and an elder came out to try to console me and let me explain my
case, and say they see why I wrote it, and that it's ok. They want me
back and to take my postions in church again. They have plans to do my
project for Thanksgiving again. As they really enjoy the gathering the
food together to give out , knowing they were doing something good for
God and the community. And want my leardership for it. That no one
believes her lies. To Please not leave or stay away. They want me there
and my talents back with them as I had so many plans and dreams to
bring our church out of darkness into the community.. With my talents
and crafts I can do , and use some of theirs as well. To make it a
solid lighthouse (beacon) for all to see. However I do sometimes worry
it could still be ripped away from me like before. Only this time for
good. But then I have to realize JESUS was rejected and shoved aside,
and even killed by his people , that He loved so much, all for our
sakes and sins. So I know I'm not ammuned to troubles and things. I
will remain strong with Him.

I just asked them to please pray for me. As My health isn't strong
enough to be there at this time. For extra strength, and patience. I'm
going through inner seizures, of imbalance, heaviness and other things
from my medications, and changes in them. I'm in deep depression
because of one of the side effects of them, (and what has happened.)
Which also causes suicidal thoughts. and my allergies are attacking me.
I also find people just can't believe all this happened to me. which is
one of the reasons they think I'm lying. But I know God will see me
through these times as well.

This is just a little insight to what it's like to be me, Bonnie J
Hollywood-Cutts . A walking, talking, livng miracle. I use my poetry as
window for you all to see just how God lives in me , as well as to
channel my emotions to work for me instead of against me. To release
stress and sometimes to help you all through your difficulties, and
express the joys you share with me, As some of my best poems, aren't
written for or about me but for others around me. I want you all to
know that what plagues you today is temporary ,soon today is just a
memory, No matter how bad your life may seem , there is always a better
day waiting for you all to up ahead . Life gives you ups , pains,
difficulties ,fears, and downs along the day. As each comes your way.
Never give up instead believe that God is there and listening. He will
carry you through it all, even though you may be hurt along the way, He
will heal you and strengthen you by the experiences you'll see. The
scars left behind will only remind you of what happens and how God's
love and mercies can save you and me. We all are very valuable in our
own special ways. We have gifts and talents for all to see. The strife
and joys along the way help define and fine tune them to use each day.
Never fear what comes your way, but count it all as joy, and a great
lesson . You'll shine for God and walk in Jesus shoes, and put the
devil to shame, by never giving in to the adversities that try to hurt
you.

You are all a miracle in your own special way. A gift to us all and for
the world to see. God never makes mistakes, or junk, only we do. So
live each day knowing that it yours and God's , when the road is tough
, let Him carry you ,and you will always find peace and comfort to help
you through.

Cuttscares - Bonnie
TuniaBJC