When I'm at the mental health clubhouse program where I go, I don't
want anyone to talk to me and I don't want to talk to anyone. I can
talk to people fine over the internet because they are either 'in the
circle' or I don't have to see their faces. The rule seems to be that
one of my big triggers are the facial expressions of those not 'in the
circle'. I'm afraid they will give me a judgemental, condemnatory or
rejecting look or say something that will send me into a reaction. The
reaction is the 'fear attack' in which I become very fearful,
dysphoric, 'internal alarm going off' an intense feeling of distress
that goes on and on. I am quite happy to spend all my time indoors
avoiding this except that I tend to go stir crazy if I don't get some
involvement. So the computer becomes the obvious mode of interaction
during my isolation my means of interacting with, connecting to the
world, and to manipulate my own nervous system to keep it under
control.

The internal alarm, which I seek to avoid, is a feeling that I'm about
to be attacked, I'm about to get in trouble, something bad is going to
happen, I'm in DANGER. It is a car alarm going off without any thief
nerarby. It is a physical reaction. It is a terrible terrible feeling
that goes on for hours or for days. I have literally stayed in bed for
two weeks in the dark to avoid this feeling/in response to tihs
feeling. It has stolen my life. Intellectually I realize there is
nothing to fear, but it is like greats amount of adrenaline are being
poured into my system without my being able to do anything about them.
Klonopin or other benzos usually don't touch these attacks. Sometimes
benadryl seems to help if only to put me to sleep. Upon awakening I
usually am okay.

The 'fear attack' can also be set off by thoughts, as can emotional
outburts such as crying or even acts of agression (though I have never
physically attacked anybody I can become very agressive and disturbing
in my behavior and speech) which I have no idea where they come from.
I imagine myself in fearful scenarios and at some point these
scenarios cause a 'flashpoint' where things will be set off.

For an example of how the fantasies affect me, one time I was in a
taxi cab and I saw someone on the street who looked like Danny Elfman
of the group Oingo Boingo. In my mind, after I saw him, I *imagined*
myself meeting him on the street, and becoming emotionally caught up
in thie fantasy and quickly overwhelmed by it. And so in the cab I
started crying, solely by the fantasy caused by seeing this man.
Another time, on the bus I imagined how I would feel when my cat died,
or when I died, or some such loved one died and it would set off a
crying fit and enormous outpouring of emotions. Just from THOUGHTS or
the thought of this person or thing being lost. I feel I am actively
or habitually engaging in these thoughts to cause the emotional
outbursts for some reason which I feel I must have to feel better. I
get sucked into the overwhelmingness of it implacably.

Similarly to the 'crying fantasies' there are the 'fear fantasies' in
which I imagine myself in a fearful situation like hitting someone or
being the victim of a mass murderer or someone attacking me verbally
or physically or giving me a look and I will react to this internally
like it's really happening. Eventually if I have enough of these
'fantasies' then it will reach a flashpoint and my internal system
will say "okay we are getting a lot of these 'alerts' and we don't
know if they are real or not so we are going to raise the alert level
to HIGH" and I will have 'the fear' for hours or days. I feel I
actively engage in the fantasies but I can't help them, I can't help
doing it. I feel there is a mechanism within me, beyond my control
ultimately that is causing these fantasies and reactions. It has
stolen my life.

Being 'out there' that is outside my apartment and away from my
computer which is a tool I use to control my own nervous system, and
avoid threatening triggers, when I am in an in-person social situation
I feel most of the time it is a breeding ground for the fantasies and
therefore reactions because they provide 'new information' as do
movies or radio that I'm not familiar with provide 'new information'.
"Life is like a box of chocolates" but several of them have razor
blades in them. Best not to eat them. The realm of 'new information'
is like playing russian roulette with the bullet being 'the episode'
and there are 3 or 4 bullets in the chambers instead of being at home
where I can control the input and there is only one bullet or no
bullets.

I do not have problems so much with 'old information' such as familiar
songs or movies that I already know or people that are in 'the
circle', but if I'm in a new situation or watching a new movie (which
I tend to avoid) it is a breeding ground for these fantasies and
triggers that will set off these frightening inner scenarios or
emotionally overwhelming scenarios and these will translate to an
emotional reaction, attack or at worst an 'acting out' which is a
terrible terrible thing that must be avoided at all costs but cannot
always be avoided. The best I can do is to use my computer, the dark,
and isolation to regulate these attacks. But I am a prisoner of them.

If I get 'the fear', then I will react to it by isolating myself for
days.

In other words, boredom often necessitates a need for stimulation,
stimulation, if it is not the kind that I can control (such as 'new
information') can result in a trigger and a trigger can lead to an
'attack' or 'episode' which must be avoided at all costs. At worst, an
attack can lead to acting out which can lead to further trouble.

I stay inside to avoid trouble.

This is how I live my life right now, in fear of the fear and the
subsequent depression and isolation it brings which in itself is a
means of 'putting out the fire' of these attacks. I deal with these
things by spending as much time as I can in bed isolating myself where
I am safe from triggers and new perceptions or unfamiliar perceptions
that will trigger these episodes.

In the past, cannabis has been welcome antidote to this in that it
relaxes me and breaks up the chain of thoughts, in that it provides
short term memory loss, a sense of 'what was i just thinking about?'
and so the chain of thoughts that build up to an attack don't have a
chance to bind me. The thoughts don't have a chance to accumulate. The
snowflakes don't have a chance to build up because the mountain is
'hot' and the snowflakes melt, not giving them a chance to accumulate
and eventually create the avelanche or 'attack' which buries me and
from which I must climb out of again and again.