Welp, what can i say? Other than "here I am". Sometimes I feel lonely,
sometimes I am just worried, and mostly though I am scared. My past hurt
me, and I am afraid of the future. My mom, as some of you know has been
in a nursing home for several years now. She was in her early 30's and
found out she was diabetic. I watched her fight it for years. I watched
her lose battles with strokes and heart attacks all because of diabetes.
I sometimes pray that I can be taken back in time so that I can go back
knowing what I know now So I can help prevent what this horrible,
horrible disease has done to my mother.

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I told my self
then that things would be better for me than they were for my mom. I
told myself that modern medicine is so much better and my knowledge of
the disease was so much better that I had a much better chance of living
a much better quality of life than my mom did. I was very headstrong and
was ready to conquer the world. I was not going to let this beat me.

The first couple years wasn't so bad, I had some pills to take and kept
logs of what I ate and my glucose levels. I went a very long time
thinking that this was easy, I can do this.... I can beat this, I wont
end up like my mother!!! But, I got a rude awakening the day that I
realized that diabetes was not as predictable as I thought it was.

Through the years, I went through many different medications and attack
plans. As soon as you get a plan going the disease changes even faster.
And eventually the disease gets a couple steps ahead of you.

I am now a few steps behind this disease. And I can only blame myself. A
couple things happened that made me just not care anymore and I just
quit fighting. Diabetes is not just about "sugar" in your blood. This
disease, can do some things to really mess you up mentally and
physically. It took me a couple years to get myself together, and
realize that there are people that love me and I owe it to them to keep
fighting and to make every effort to beat this disease.

I am having shoulder surgery soon, and I have been fighting much more
than just diabetes. I am tired and am writing this mostly just to vent a
little. For several months I have been in severe pain and I have finally
given in and will have the surgery.

However I found myself in a strange place today. I went to the doctor as
for the last several months I am struggling with the diabetes and my
high glucose levels. The doc, my wife and I were discussing the topic of
what to try next if I can not get my glucoses levels down by my next
visit, and a strong feeling of fear came across me like I had never felt
before. I absolutely can not believe that I actually listened to a
discussion which involved me using an insulin pump. The "I" word just
scares me half to death. But to be honest, I am tired, I can't believe I
am saying this but....... Bring on the insulin, I can do it. Lord knows
it just can't be any worse then all the pills I have taken over the
years. And besides, it tells me that even if I could go back in time it
wouldn't change anything. I am still on the same path as my mom.

I am not giving up, just changing the game plan.