If anyone asks you what the difference is between Christmas, and
Chanukah... now you will know what and how to answer!

1. Christmas is one day, same day every year, December 25. Jews also
love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to the
movies, and out for Chinese food and maybe sing about dreidels that
day.

Chanukah is 8 days.

It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No
one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when
Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look
like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a
donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher or the
local Israeli Falafel/Pizza Parlor.

2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday, with the
same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we
survived, let's eat.

3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume,
stereos,etc. Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks or
the collected works of some Hebrew scholar, which looks impressive on
the bookshelf.

4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to
spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah,
etc.

5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and
boyfriends.Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are
relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.

6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for
Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get
to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

7. Christmas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All Ye
Faithful. Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a
party, and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that
many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal
brethren. Don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them
beautifully?

8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of
cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive
moods. A home preparing  for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes and
onions. The home, as always, is full of people all talking loudly at
once.

9. Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women
burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for
latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the
ages.

10. Parents deliver presents to their children during Christmas.
Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the
eight nights.

11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names
such as Mary, Joseph and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are
Anntiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or
pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our non Jewish friends
anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Bubela,
snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and
now you want to blame G-d? Here's the number of my shrink!".

13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more
commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a
minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday
such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to
synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your
dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good
time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better
stick with Chanukah, however you spell it!