Washington Post gooood.
New York Post?  Best for sports.

Steve

BTW, I was not calling anyone here a "dumbass" or saying anyone here i
"dumb as a fence post."

That was suppposed to be a joke

--
dj

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their
sweet
time

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when
they
aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3 Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4 Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code
3' in
housewares ... and see what happens.

5 Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6 Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7 Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers
you'll
invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8 When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why
can't
you people just leave me alone?'

9 Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick
your
nose.

10 While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he
knows
where the anti- depressants are.

11 Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme.

12 In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using
different size
funnels.

13 Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK
ME!"

14 When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal
position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

( And; last, but not least!)

15 Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and,
then,
yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Now send this to at least 7 people that you know; and.....they will
just
laugh!

Hi All,

Here's something funny.  I will warn you up front, there are a few
four letter words, so anyone that would find that offensive please
DELETE now. :o)

For those of us who have "endured" Meals-Ready To Eat (MRE's) and for
anyone who has ever heard of them and wondered what they were like,
this is a classic:

ARMY RANGER DATE

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before,
the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for
dinner.

After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally
settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations
that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what
I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out
three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight
packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/re hydrated
rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in
shaved garlic and olive oil.

In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice
together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like
succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a
glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450
degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and
a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese
(kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one
of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it
looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five
packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I
heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky
gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.
Voila--Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special
Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it
sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of
"Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says
that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was
the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set
the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that
sh.t is f.cking EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over
$600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw
the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept
asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I
obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of
balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I
guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed
with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate
what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make...
yup.

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself
"uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of
dismay.

Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each,
Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smell good) and returned to the
couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say "What the hell is
WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent shock waves into the
porcelain bowl.

This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll
being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the
chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to
her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without
a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door,
and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so
hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am
SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so
embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave
her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she
had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed
her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of
"Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and
said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years
ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off
without a word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't sh.t for 3 days, and when
she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it
from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop
to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to
cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect
the food beforehand.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that
was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date.
She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had
been in tears on the couch.

I know, I'm an a.shole, but it was still a funny night.

Remove neck and giblets from chicken and discard. Rinse chicken insid
and out, and pat dry with paper towels. Rub chicken lightly with oi
then rub inside and out with salt, pepper and dry rub. Set aside.

Open beer can and take several gulps (make them big gulps so that th
can is half full). Place beer can on a solid surface. Grabbing
chicken leg in each hand, plunk the bird cavity over the beer can
Transfer the bird-on-a-can to your grill and place in the center of th
grate, balancing the bird on its 2 legs and the can like a tripod.

Cook the chicken over medium-high, indirect heat (i.e. no coals o
burners on directly under the bird), with the grill cover on, fo
approximately 1 1/4 hours or until the internal temperature register
165 degrees F in the breast area and 180 degrees F in the thigh, o
until the thigh juice runs clear when stabbed with a sharp knife
Remove from grill and let rest for 10 minutes before carving.

Note: For a lighter taste, use Bud Lite beer and remove the chicke
skin

--
dj