It will give you calluses and a sore todger

The  most authoritative source about the phenomena in question is ONANISM & ITS
CONSEQUENTIAL DISEASES, now obscure & suppressed, but sometimes found in the
closed stack of a five star library often along with Miller's TROPIC OF CANCER,
itself banned by the Boston Practitioners Society, while some of us
on-the-wallers would recommend Roth's PORTNOY'S COMPLAINT as the most
definitive insight published prior to that movie AMERICAN PIE (i didn't see the
sequel) with Eugene Levy, who along with Earl Camberet (sp?), established the
SCTV, Norman Cousins,  and READER'S DISGUST: " Laughter's absurd economics &
applied masturbation hypothesis"