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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Cancer / December 2004What to say.
I am hoping some of you can point me to places or books that will help me solve the following situation. My lady is fighting the good fight, but it is tough. When I tell her best friend about the latest (not good) developments. The verabal reactions often upset me even more. I would like to tell her, GENTLY, what to say or not say to help us both. I know this is not medical directly, but figure many readers have experiences. TIA LB >I am hoping some of you can point me to places or books that will help > me solve the following situation. [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > > LB The only good guide is humanity and common sense. It is never helpful to have everyone walking on eggshells avoiding difficult issues > >I am hoping some of you can point me to places or books that will help > > me solve the following situation. [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > The only good guide is humanity and common sense. It is never helpful to > have everyone walking on eggshells avoiding difficult issues "Common Sense" is based on one's past experiences. Taking care of most computer issues is common sense to a computer literate person. Taking care of most automotive issues is common sense to an automotive literate person. If I knew what to do I would not have asked for help. LB >> >I am hoping some of you can point me to places or books that will help >> > me solve the following situation. [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > to an automotive literate person. If I knew what to do I would not have > asked for help. It would be easier to give suggestions if you were clearer about what's going on. Not to be offensive, but your writing stops just short of being incomprehensible. I think J gave you the best advice you're going to get. If that doesn't work for you, you're going to need to rewrite your post. >> >I am hoping some of you can point me to places or books that will help >> > me solve the following situation. [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > > LB I suspect you want to hear what you want to hear. So why ask? If you want to avoid being upset yourself, avoid those situations. Don't tell her best friend things. If you are more about your lady, maybe your own feelings need to take second place to what is best for her for a while? Humanity and common sense require only one prerequisite - being human. Not all of us are computer experts, but we are all human, and I believe we all have common sense, though many people like to ignore their own, because it's too "common" > I am hoping some of you can point me to places or books that will help > me solve the following situation. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > reactions often upset me even more. I would like to tell her, GENTLY, > what to say or not say to help us both. If I'm understanding what you asking for correctly: You to friend: I have some bad news to deliver about my lady. I would appreciate if you could withhold emotional reactions in front of me/us because I am on the brink of breaking down myself. In addition, I hope you will not be offended. I have prepared a list of words or phrases that we prefer not be used around us, if you could try to remember not to use them. Hand the friend the list in a folded envelope while saying "I am sorry to tell you that XXXXX . I would appreciate your being there to visit and support us during these difficult times. Your friendship means so much to my lady. She surely wants you to be part of this stage of her life. If you are able, please call us daily to find out when the best time to visit would be or if there are things you can do that would be of help, since it is difficult to predict from day to day. Thank you for ...meeting to discuss this ...for listening...for caring.. Talk to you soon. Then leave or close the phone conversation. Things on the list: Do not say: I hear you will be dying soon. I hear your cancer has spread I hear there's no cure I hear they will have to amputate your leg. Things to say: I am so sorry you are going through this. I care about you. Know that you are in my thoughts (and/or prayers). If there is anything I can help with, around the house, please let me know. It would help me to not feel so helpless. Expand this list to fit the situation, with approximately 10 do's and dont's. PS Personally, I don't believe in mincing words. Being honest and "human" helps all parties come to terms, albeit upsetting/emotional.. and you cannot control what others do nor say, you can only (attempt to) control how you react to what they do or say. J Great post, J! Eva > > I am hoping some of you can point me to places or books that will help > > me solve the following situation. [quoted text clipped - 44 lines] > control how you react to what they do or say. > J > Great post, J! > Eva Thanks Eva (and James). How are you doing Eva? I was worreid about you. I saw some posts on the other newsgroup about feet blistering, but none about swollen legs. Any better now? I think of you often. Take care, J > How are you doing Eva? I was worreid about you. > I saw some posts on the other newsgroup about feet blistering, but none about > swollen legs. > Any better now? ----------- I had my 4th and last Taxotere treatment on Nov. 23. Unfortunately the swelling in my feet and legs has not yet improved. Walking is still very difficult. My legs weigh a ton and my balance is bad due to the lack of flexibility in my knees, toes, and ankles. I've had an echocardiogram and Doppler studies on both legs and nothing abnormal was found. My primary care doctor and my oncologist both feel I am just having unusually severe side effects from the Taxotere and that it will wear off in time. They've given me medical clearance to have my surgery (mastectomy) this coming Thursday. Meanwhile, when I rub my head now I can feel some peach fuzz starting to sprout, which tells me that the Taxotere will indeed wear off. Thanks for your support! Eva > I had my 4th and last Taxotere treatment on Nov. 23. Unfortunately the > swelling in my feet and legs has not yet improved. Walking is still very [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > Meanwhile, when I rub my head now I can feel some peach fuzz starting to > sprout, which tells me that the Taxotere will indeed wear off. Hello Eva, I too am hoping that your swelling will go away. It's good to read that your hair's growing back. :-) Best wishes with the surgery on Thursday. I will watch for your updates on one of the 3 newsgroups. J > Great post, J! > Eva I'll second that. I guess she's been there and got the T-shirt..  Signaturemadiba > > I am hoping some of you can point me to places or books that will help > > me solve the following situation. [quoted text clipped - 44 lines] > control how you react to what they do or say. > J Well I finally was able to get back to the group. The ideas are helpful, but to describe the situation a little better... The friend knows what is going on and I am updating her constantly. What is starting to give me an ulcer are her comments like "that's terrible" when I tell her things are not going well. I KNOW its terrible, I do not need the reminder. OTOH the lady is my lady's best friend so I feel she should be updated (and she certainly asks). I feel she is making the comments out of ignorance. Aside from direct advice, as you give, I am hoping someone knows of a URL or a book that I could use to gently point out to her that she is not helping my frame of mind. Thanks to all. LB > Well I finally was able to get back to the group. > [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > > LB Point her to alt.support.cancer newsgroup or this one. Maybe she will be more understanding. Good luck. Jill >> > I am hoping some of you can point me to places or books that will help >> > me solve the following situation. [quoted text clipped - 56 lines] > terrible" when I tell her things are not going well. I KNOW its > terrible, I do not need the reminder. Give her a break. What do you expet her to say? "Oh, that's nice" > OTOH the lady is my lady's best > friend so I feel she should be updated (and she certainly asks). I feel > she is making the comments out of ignorance. Or concern? And distress? > Aside from direct advice, > as you give, I am hoping someone knows of a URL or a book that I could [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > LB > >> > I am hoping some of you can point me to places or books that will help > >> > me solve the following situation. [quoted text clipped - 72 lines] > > > > LB Thanks for the really helpful comments. To help you understand. I am looking for a gentle way to tell her to just listen and be supportive. Something you obviousily would not have a clue about. LB "It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid, than to open it and remove all doubt" Mark Twain > Thanks for the really helpful comments. > To help you understand. I am looking for a gentle way to tell her to [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > "It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid, > than to open it and remove all doubt" Mark Twain The only person's feelings which are front and centre to you appear to be yours.......... She IS listening and being supportive. You want to be manipulative. As for your other comment, fine. But there is plenty of drama in medicine. We just don't need the melodrama |
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