From   03-21-99  13:12
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN
IT'S HARD TO GET REST IN A RESTROOM

Three of my friends and I recently drove to Orlando,
Florida, for a short vacation, a trip filled with
more adventure than a date with Hillary Clinton.

At Universal Studios, a major tourist attraction, we
survived a twister, an earthquake and several long
lines.

At Gatorland, we watched some alligators swallow
several pieces of chicken, and then we decided to
swallow several pieces of alligator. (Alligator meat
is so tasty, you'll feel like going hunting. For some
real food.)

At a pizza restaurant, we encountered another member
of Florida's impressive wildlife: a large, flying
cockroach. Better known as the state bird. It was so
big, I thought it was someone's pet. But no one
claimed it before the cook captured it and took it
somewhere in the kitchen, perhaps to feed to an
alligator or the next customer. With so much competition
in the pizza industry, you can never offer too many toppings.

The biggest adventure of the vacation came during
the 14-hour drive to Florida. It was a never-ending
adventure called "Who can find a clean restroom?"

When I came to America years ago, I often wondered
why public bathrooms are called "restrooms." I looked
all around but couldn't find any bathroom stalls that
were furnished with beds.

Many restrooms are so smelly, they're the last places
I'd want to get some rest.

But during my trip to Florida, I realized that the term
"restrooms" makes a lot of sense, because the workers
assigned to clean the rooms are often taking a rest.

You can never be sure what you'll find in a restroom.
And if the restroom isn't clean, you're better off
heading to the woods.

I don't mind being friendly with strangers, but I don't
want a stranger's germs getting too friendly with mine.

Using a restroom is an adventure partly because you
have to figure out how to operate the faucet, a skill
that often requires a college degree. Every restroom
in America seems to have a unique faucet, a tribute
to this country's great faucet inventors. Some faucets
are automatic, while others require users to push,
pull, turn, jump, or pray.

If you manage to operate the faucet, you have another
problem: drying your hands. Many restrooms have done
away with paper towels, leaving you with two choices:
spending a few years holding your hands under the air
dryer or wiping your hands on your pants.  Most men
prefer the second choice because it helps clean their
pants.

Here's three other tips on using public restrooms while
traveling:

---It's a major faux pas to mistake a sink for a urinal.
Sinks come in all kinds of shapes and sizes, as do urinals.
If you're confused, here's an important tip:  The floor is
usually dry around the sinks.

---Always wash your hands after using a public restroom.
And if you've taken any magazines or newspapers into
the restroom, make sure you incinerate them.

---If you're really desperate to use a bathroom, you may
pull over to the side of the road to admire nature and
make a modest contribution. But here's a warning: In
Florida, you should always watch out for alligators,
especially if you're a man and want to remain one.
Alligators snap their jaws at almost anything. They're
more dangerous than Lorena Bobbitt.

Remember this important tip: It's always better to hold it
than lose it.

___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12