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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Prostate Cancer / December 2007

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Telling family, friends and coworkers

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skeptic - 15 Dec 2007 21:08 GMT
I haven't told anyone except two people, for specific reasons, and
have told them not to tell anyone else, since I was dx'd.
My RP is scheduled for the end of January (it drives me crazy thinking
about the approaching date).  Anyway, I'm really tempted NOT to tell a
lot of people. It's inevitable people will ask due to my absence at
work and other functions and I could lie and say I had knee surgery or
something like that.
Has anyone kept their pca dx from others?
Does it work?
I feel like they will look at me differently once they know.....
Why do they have to know anyway...so they can say How are you feeling?
I should point out I have a rather large circle of friends, business
acquaintences and family, yet I am a very private person.
I don't think I can hack a million inquiries which will just serve to
remind me i have pca when I want to put it behind me and forget about
this thing.
(My wife knows of course, but I haven't told my children or anyone in
my family)
Is this just more of my semi-delirious mind spinning around?
Gourd Dancer - 15 Dec 2007 22:16 GMT
I told everyone so that I could get on their prayer list - Mormon, Baptist,
Catholic, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist - you get the picture.

GD
>I haven't told anyone except two people, for specific reasons, and
> have told them not to tell anyone else, since I was dx'd.
[quoted text clipped - 15 lines]
> my family)
> Is this just more of my semi-delirious mind spinning around?
safire - 15 Dec 2007 22:41 GMT
> I told everyone so that I could get on their prayer list - Mormon, Baptist,
> Catholic, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist - you get the picture.

Not a very smart idea. Knowing that others pray for you may result in
complications.
http://www.voanews.com/english/archive/2006-03/2006-03-30-voa60.cfm?renderforpri
nt=1&textonly=1&&TEXTMODE=1&CFID=172325310&CFTOKEN=96665060

Gourd Dancer - 16 Dec 2007 02:24 GMT
Aw safire, get a life. Herbert Benson, MD is a mind/body researcher, he also
wrote the following on Faith-based Healing:

My research has convinced me that there are many additional possibilities
for the Relaxation Response -- especially as it operates with a person's
deepest religious or philosophical convictions -- which were not apparent
when my first two books were published. In my experience, those who discover
the exciting and powerful forces of the mind do so by eliciting the
Relaxation Response in conjunction with their personal belief system.
The term Relaxation Response, for those who may be unfamiliar with the
concept, refers to the inborn capacity of the body to enter a special state
characterized by lowered heart rate, decreased rate of breathing, lowered
blood pressure, slower brain waves, and an overall reduction of speed of
metabolism. In addition, the changes produced by this Response counteract
the harmful effects and uncomfortable feelings of stress.

In this relatively peaceful condition, the individual's mental patterns
change so that he or she breaks free of what I call "worry cycles." These
are unproductive grooves or circuits that cause the mind to "play" over and
over again, almost involuntarily, the same anxieties or uncreative,
health-impairing thoughts.

A simple technique I use to bring out, or elicit, the Relaxation Response
consists of four steps: (1) finding a quiet environment; (2) consciously
relaxing the body's muscles; (3) focusing for ten to twenty minutes on a
mental device, such as the word one or a brief prayer; and (4) assuming a
passive attitude toward intrusive thoughts.

A number of years ago, I thought that this approach was all that was
required to elicit benefits from the Relaxation Response. And it's true that
the basic procedure is as valid as it ever was for helping individuals
reduce stress, lower blood pressure, and otherwise enhance their physical
and mental well-being. But now I've come to understand that the effects of
this simple technique, combined with a person's deepest personal beliefs,
can create other internal environments that can help the individual reach
enhanced states of health and well-being.

This combination of a Relaxation-Response technique with the individual's
belief system is what I call the Faith Factor. It's by no means an entirely
original concept; rather it's a new kind of "package" that contains two
powerful but familiar spiritual vehicles: (1) prayer or meditation; and (2)
a deeply held set of philosophical or religious convictions. My function in
exploring and describing this Faith Factor is to serve as a bridge between
two disciplines: traditional faith and meditative practices, and scientific
observation.

I am not interested in promoting one religious or philosophical system over
another. Nor do I intend to comment in any way on the truth or falsity of
any religious system. Rather, I'm most concerned with the scientifically
observable phenomena and forces that accompany faith. Also, I plan to
concentrate on the techniques and attitudes that can be used by those of any
faith to tap those forces.

Not only did my research -- and that of my colleagues -- reveal that 25% of
people feel more spiritual as the result of the Relaxation Response, but it
showed that those same people have fewer medical symptoms than do those who
reported no increase in spirituality. It became clear that a person's
religious convictions or life philosophy enhanced the average effects of the
Relaxation Response in three ways: (1) People who chose an appropriate
focus, that which drew upon their deepest philosophic or religious
convictions, were more apt to adhere to the Relaxation Response routine,
looking forward to it and enjoying it; (2) affirmative beliefs of any kind
brought forth remembered wellness, reviving top-down, nerve-cell-firing
patterns in the brain that were associated with wellness; (3) when present,
faith in an eternal or life-transcending force seemed to make the fullest
use of remembered wellness because it is a supremely soothing belief,
disconnecting unhealthy logic and worries.

So, what do you mean "not a very smart idea"?

GD

>> I told everyone so that I could get on their prayer list - Mormon,
>> Baptist, Catholic, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist - you get the picture.
>
> Not a very smart idea. Knowing that others pray for you may result in
> complications.
> http://www.voanews.com/english/archive/2006-03/2006-03-30-voa60.cfm?renderforpri
nt=1&textonly=1&&TEXTMODE=1&CFID=172325310&CFTOKEN=96665060
safire - 16 Dec 2007 08:36 GMT
> Aw safire, get a life. Herbert Benson, MD is a mind/body researcher, he also
> wrote the following on Faith-based Healing:

> My research has convinced me that there are many additional possibilities
> for the Relaxation Response --

<bla>

Fuzzy logic. Dancer, get a brain. What does praying for others have to
do with the self-induced relaxation response? What evidence do you have
to attack the study cited? Do you believe god gave you cancer? Do you
believe the god that the Iraqi's pray to is more effective than the god
the American soldiers pray to?
Gourd Dancer - 16 Dec 2007 23:15 GMT
Amazing, "get a brain" and "not a smart idea"..... This is a support group
that you are posting to. However, I will answer each of your queries.

First, your general article quotes heavily Herbert Benson, MD; whereas my
article was written by Herbert Benson, MD. Second, I did not attack your
article, I only quoted your source with his writings. However, I never did
consider whether the good Doctor Benson uses "fuzzy logic." On second
thought, now that I have considered his writings, Dr. Benson uses solid
logic. Third, I credit no one with my cancer. Fourth, it matters not to me
whether one's God is more effective than someone else's God, only that one
believes. By the way, why pinpoint an Iraqi and an American soldier?

Interesting that you find it not appropriate to capitalize the spelling of
God; oversight? Intentional? Cynical? Atheist?

Me, I am simply an American War Veteran that respects everyone's God and
does not mind prayers on my behalf from all.

Gourd Dancer

>> Aw safire, get a life. Herbert Benson, MD is a mind/body researcher, he
>> also wrote the following on Faith-based Healing:
[quoted text clipped - 9 lines]
> the god that the Iraqi's pray to is more effective than the god the
> American soldiers pray to?
safire - 17 Dec 2007 20:40 GMT
> Interesting that you find it not appropriate to capitalize the spelling of
> God;

Do you think he would make a fuss about it? Are you accusing the
almighty of pettiness? Now that's a thought he really would consider
offensive.
Gourd Dancer - 18 Dec 2007 00:44 GMT
Safire, Sie sind voll von Schiesse. Kriechen Sie zuruck unter Ihrem
zunischen Feisen. Sie haben nichts - nichts, zu dieser Gruppe hinzuzufugen.
Wenn andere Ihre Hand rufen, peitchen Sie aus mit Vugaritaten, die sie
rufen, Alkoholiker, Dumm, Idioten, Pedfiles, und Kindersmorder.

Es ist zu schiecht, dass Sie kein Dinf haben das konstruktiv ist, zur Gruppe
hinzuzufugen.

Es ist zu schiecht, wenn andere zu Gott beten, verspotten Sie sie.

Es ist zu schiecht, dass Die voll von Untugend sind.

Gehen Sie jetzt sind betet zu Ihrem Gottern: Faulheit, Stolz, Zorn,
Vollerei, Unzucht, Habsuch, und Neid.

Ihre Geschichte auf dieser Gruppe verrät Sie, für was Sie sind. Es tut ich
Leid fur Sie. Gehen Sie zu Holle. Kein Gebrauch beim Antworten, kann ich
nicht sehen, was Sie geschreren haben!

PLONK!

>> Interesting that you find it not appropriate to capitalize the spelling
>> of God;
>
> Do you think he would make a fuss about it? Are you accusing the almighty
> of pettiness? Now that's a thought he really would consider offensive.
Steve Kramer - 18 Dec 2007 01:30 GMT
> Safire, Sie sind voll von Schiesse. Kriechen Sie zuruck unter Ihrem
> zunischen Feisen. Sie haben nichts - nichts, zu dieser Gruppe
[quoted text clipped - 17 lines]
>
> PLONK!

Yeah, that's about how I had it figgered.

Didn't know "Plonk" was German, however.   ;-)
Heather - 18 Dec 2007 06:15 GMT
>> Safire, Sie sind voll von Schiesse. Kriechen Sie zuruck unter Ihrem
>> zunischen Feisen. Sie haben nichts - nichts, zu dieser Gruppe
[quoted text clipped - 21 lines]
>
> Didn't know "Plonk" was German, however.   ;-)

ROFL!!!  Gourd, you continually surprise the hell out of me!!  I
understand enough German to translate the first sentence, which got me
giggling.  Threw the rest into a translator and that was even funnier.
I actually did better just reading the German.

Btw, your first line translated to something like "you are full of
shooting arrows".....LOL!!

Hey Stevie......Plonk in German is "Schmuck".....(snicker).

The Canuck.
Gourd Dancer - 18 Dec 2007 20:21 GMT
Heather, "shooting arrow" must be a nice version of Scheisse, lol......

Actual, translation is "sh*t"as in fecal matter. Favorite saying, when I
lived there light years ago, "Du bist eine Scheisskopf."

:)

GD

>>> Safire, Sie sind voll von Schiesse. Kriechen Sie zuruck unter Ihrem
>>> zunischen Feisen. Sie haben nichts - nichts, zu dieser Gruppe
[quoted text clipped - 33 lines]
>
> The Canuck.
Heather - 19 Dec 2007 03:34 GMT
Actually, I knew the meaning of scheisse.....and that is why I threw the
whole post into Google for translation.  Scheisse came out as "Shooting
Arrow" which cracked me up!!  Particularly considering your heritage,
lol.

I had a year of German in Grade 10 and as my high school was 80% Jewish,
I learned a lot of Yiddish swear words, grin.  So got the general drift
of your post!!  *Scheissekopf* describes him perfectly.

Merry Christmas from the Great White North.  Daughter arrived here from
Vancouver just as the blizzard started on Saturday night.   And I have
now gotten her addicted to *beading* (making jewellery) and she did a
bang up job on her first necklace tonight.

Cheers......Heather, Ron and Elayne.

> Heather, "shooting arrow" must be a nice version of Scheisse,
> lol......
[quoted text clipped - 44 lines]
>>
>> The Canuck.
safire - 18 Dec 2007 09:03 GMT
Hey Gay Dancer, are you an old nazi turned evangelical? Unfortunately, I
don't read German. If you are an old nazi, you deserve all the cancers
you can get. Your uncapitalized god apparently punished you for your
crimes. Or is the cancer self-induced because you yourself prayed for
punishment? As is typical for religious zealots from the bible belt,
you're not making sense. You just can't think straight, can you? BTW
you've "plonked" me twice before, yet you keep responding to me. Are you
just stupid or masochistic?
rosbif - 18 Dec 2007 09:57 GMT
>Hey Gay Dancer, are you an old nazi turned evangelical? Unfortunately, I
>don't read German. If you are an old nazi, you deserve all the cancers
>you can get......

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godwin's_law

"....By 2007, The Economist had declared that "a good rule in most
discussions is that the first person to call the other a Nazi
automatically loses the argument."[14] And in October 2007, the "Last
Page" columnist in The Smithsonian stated that when an adversary uses
an inappropriate Hitler or Nazi comparison, "you have only to say
'Godwin's Law' and a trapdoor falls open, plunging your rival into a
pool of hungry crocodiles......."

Lol!..so if we hear anymore from you, Safire, best assume it's your
disembodied head doing the talking...
safire - 18 Dec 2007 12:28 GMT
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godwin's_law
>
[quoted text clipped - 5 lines]
> 'Godwin's Law' and a trapdoor falls open, plunging your rival into a
> pool of hungry crocodiles......."

Hi Roast Beef,

You have no excuse, as you are not a victim of the low quality U.S.
school system, where pupils learn to use handguns, but fail simple
reading tests. Still, you omitted the following paragraph and obviously
don't understand the word "appropriate".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godwin's_law

However, Godwin's law itself can be abused, as a distraction or
diversion, that fallaciously miscasts an opponent's argument as
hyperbole, especially if the comparisons made by the argument are
actually appropriate. A 2005 Reason magazine article argued that
Godwin's law is often misused to ridicule even valid comparisons.

BTW: Still depressed?
Steve Kramer - 18 Dec 2007 14:23 GMT
>>Hey Gay Dancer, are you an old nazi turned evangelical? Unfortunately, I
>>don't read German. If you are an old nazi, you deserve all the cancers
[quoted text clipped - 12 lines]
> Lol!..so if we hear anymore from you, Safire, best assume it's your
> disembodied head doing the talking...

Having plonked him, I did not get his reply, but does he not sound like a
teenager using "Nazi" as his only tool in debate?

I'm guessing a teenaged boy (or girl), maybe early 20s, almost certainly not
suffering from cancer, but possibly from impotence if a boy.

If he is older, and especially if he does have cancer, I guess he's merely
proof that cancer does not discern between demographics.  If it hits mature
and intelligent men, it likely hits an equal amount of males with childlike
minds.
rosbif - 20 Dec 2007 14:44 GMT
>>>Hey Gay Dancer, are you an old nazi turned evangelical? Unfortunately, I
>>>don't read German. If you are an old nazi, you deserve all the cancers
[quoted text clipped - 15 lines]
>Having plonked him, I did not get his reply, but does he not sound like a
>teenager using "Nazi" as his only tool in debate?

He's a troll, Steve, and a dull one at that.
Steve Kramer - 20 Dec 2007 20:21 GMT
> He's a troll, Steve, and a dull one at that.

Yeah, I guess you're right.  Okay, I'm finished playing with him too.
callalily - 19 Dec 2007 22:28 GMT
You put me in a Teutonic mood.  Had to slog thru "Civilization and its
Discontents," first semester in college.  Never forgot this gem cited
by Freud (who was not, in fact, "godless",as he claimed):

"Wer Wissenschaft und Kunst besitzt, hat auch Religion; Wer jene
beiden nicht besitzt, der habe Religion."

   - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Zahme Xenien IX., Anfang

Translation: "He who possesses science and art also has religion; but
he who possesses neither of those two, let him have religion!"

Ha-ha to you scientific types -- you are religious and you don't even
know it!

I implore you all to pray, whatever your faith, that it don't rain in
N'awlins & MS for the next 10 days.  Don't want my vacation ruined!
Having a "Country Christmas" on the MS River, steamboatin'.  First
ever.

Wrote myself a note: "Don't forget to pack the elixir."  Isn't it a
pain in the neck to have to always ask to for a fridge so that husb
could store his "diabetes" meds in there??  Or having to fill the ice
bucket all the time?

Thanks for the relaxation response.  Just printed it to read on
plane.  Nothing I hate more than meditation.  I am very "scentual", so
I would add a bit of aromatherapy.  Aura Cacia makes great "essential
oils.  You put a few drops on a lightbulb ring, and you're in heaven.
Currently using "Relaxation" blend, rosewood and sandalwood scents.
In a woodsy mood, I guess.

Congrats on your good numbers.

Happy holidays.

Leah

prostatecancerblog.net

On Dec 17, 8:44 pm, "Gourd Dancer" <!!!msheets!!!@!!!sbcglobal!!!.net>
wrote:
> Safire, Sie sind voll von Schiesse. Kriechen Sie zuruck unter Ihrem
> zunischen Feisen. Sie haben nichts - nichts, zu dieser Gruppe hinzuzufugen.
[quoted text clipped - 24 lines]
>
> - Show quoted text -
Kemosabe - 16 Dec 2007 18:20 GMT
I was much relieved after I told my children and friends.  Everyone had
suggestions, advice and good wishes for me.

>I told everyone so that I could get on their prayer list - Mormon, Baptist,
>Catholic, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist - you get the picture.
[quoted text clipped - 19 lines]
>> my family)
>> Is this just more of my semi-delirious mind spinning around?
Sy - 16 Dec 2007 22:00 GMT
Of couse I told my family and good friends.

I have a lot of "buddies" at my health club and told some of them.
That was a mistake.  I have people coming up to me with a look of
concern asking "how are you feeling?".  I realize that it's well
intentioned but I find it annoying.

Sy

> I told everyone so that I could get on their prayer list - Mormon, Baptist,
> Catholic, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist - you get the picture.
[quoted text clipped - 19 lines]
> > my family)
> > Is this just more of my semi-delirious mind spinning around?
I.P. Freely - 17 Dec 2007 00:51 GMT
> Of couse I told my family and good friends.
>
> I have a lot of "buddies" at my health club and told some of them.
> That was a mistake.  I have people coming up to me with a look of
> concern asking "how are you feeling?".  I realize that it's well
> intentioned but I find it annoying.

I might have told "gym buddies", except that most of them have far worse
problems than I. "Steve", the leanest, fittest gray-haired guy there --
Energizer Bunny on speed for hours 5-6 days a week -- takes 25 meds for
his heart and other problems, and would quickly die if he didn't
exercise HARD and long almost every day to produce enzymes he can't get
any other way. "Bill" has had heart bypasses and stents and may drop any
day. "Fred" has been hobbled all his life by congenital pelvic
musculoskeletal problems. Another guy had his legs blasted to Hellenbach
chasing Bin Laden in Afghanistan ... but could probably take anyone
there in upper body strength. "Anne" is confined to a wheelchair by MS,
but takes the stairs instead of the elevator as part of her workout; one
floor takes her 10 minutes. Ex-football-player "Robert" can almost catch
a ball with his hands -- his only (barely) functional extremities --
after breaking his neck in a hot air balloon accident many years ago.
"Sam" is 98 years old, twisted into a pretzel by some damn disease or
another, accompanied in his wheelchair 24/7 by a caretaker, but he's in
the pool often and on the gym floor occasionally.

"I used to have PC" or "My PSA is high" or even "Time to change my pad"
or "Look! My balls glow!"? Most of these guys would swap places with me
in a New York minute ... so far.

I.P.
BH - 15 Dec 2007 22:22 GMT
Skeptic, I'll offer my experience.  Hopefully it will help you.

Back in early 1995, when I was going through what you are now facing,
I was scared to death and frequently didn't know which way was up.  I
was just a wreck.  For whatever reason, telling my mother and my
daughters was the most difficult.  I managed to tell them only by
spilling out a lot of emotions.  But, I got it done.  I also got very
emotional when I told some of my closest friends.  As I told more
people, it got easier.  The night before the surgery, which was
scheduled for early morning, I was such a wreck that I was actually
wondering, aloud, what would happen if I just didn't show up at the
hospital.  Shortly after the surgery I got involved in a M2M group and
before I knew it I was something of an advocate for promoting PSA
testing for my friends and family.  I didn't plan it that way and it
was something of a surprise to me; but, it happened and I actually
felt pretty good about it.  I'm not saying that will, or should,
happen with you; but, getting through the surgery was a HUGE step for
me and it changed my way of thinking considerably.

With all the other emotional effects of an RP, I think trying to keep
it to yourself would not be a good thing.  There's no shame to be
attached to it.  People are going to ask you how you are feeling
whether they think you had a knee surgery, RP, or heart transplant.
I'd suggest telling them the truth.  (And, there's the side benefit of
never having to remember what you said if you tell the truth.  I think
that is from Mark Train or Will Rogers.)

I feel confident that being scared is not unusual.  I believe many, if
not most, people in this group felt that way when they were recently
diagnosed and waiting for surgery or radiation and will probably admit
it.  I learned that most men who have prostate cancer are much more
concerned about their "condition" than their wives, family, friends,
or anyone else.  Those people are almost always to give the maximum
amount of support they can give.  Let them!  And, remember that every
person who participates, or just monitors, this newsgroup is pulling
for you, too.

One last thought that I got from a man in Indiana who was active in
this group in 1995 ---  He found that he could deal with the physical
aspects of PCa and the RP and the post-RP effects much better than he
could the mental aspects.  As he said, "my mind, the dirty old
bastard, keeps getting me down".  I haven't heard from him in over 10
years.  I'm hoping that his RP got all the cancer and that he's having
a happy, cancer-free life and has no need to participate in this
group.  I think that the odds are strongly in favor of that being your
outcome, too.  Think positive and don't let your mind get you down.
At the end of January I'll be reporting my latest PSA reading to Steve
Kramer and we'll all be waiting to see your first post-RP post.

I hope this helps, Skeptic.  

Happy Holidays!

Burney

>I haven't told anyone except two people, for specific reasons, and
>have told them not to tell anyone else, since I was dx'd.
[quoted text clipped - 15 lines]
>my family)
>Is this just more of my semi-delirious mind spinning around?
RP in 1995 (age 52)
RT in 2000
ADT (Casodex) 10/06 - 8/07

burney dot huff at mindspring dot com
I.P. Freely - 15 Dec 2007 22:45 GMT
> I feel confident that being scared is not unusual.  I believe many, if
> not most, people in this group felt that way when they were recently
> diagnosed and waiting for surgery or radiation and will probably admit
> it.  I learned that most men who have prostate cancer are much more
> concerned about their "condition" than their wives, family, friends,
> or anyone else.

OTOH, some men and their families regard it primarily as a physical
nuisance with potential long-term implications. Like most things in our
lives, personal reactions vary all over the map. Any reaction is valid,
and any reaction can probably be modified to some degree.

I.P.
safire - 15 Dec 2007 22:24 GMT
> I haven't told anyone except two people, for specific reasons, and
> have told them not to tell anyone else, since I was dx'd.
[quoted text clipped - 15 lines]
> my family)
> Is this just more of my semi-delirious mind spinning around?

Knee surgery might trigger more questions than ralp. People generally
know more about knees than about prostates. Ralp really is a minor
operation and - as I am sure you know - there is no reason to fear the
approaching date. If you're a private person, don't tell. On the other
hand, your friends very well may respect you more for "conquering" this
disease.
I.P. Freely - 15 Dec 2007 22:39 GMT
> Has anyone kept their pca dx from others?

Nope.

> Does it work?

Define "work".

> I feel like they will look at me differently once they know.....

Yup. Compassionately. I've perceived no pity or revulsion or special
treatment.

> Why do they have to know anyway...so they can say How are you feeling?

"Have" to know? It's YOUR call, not theirs.

> I don't think I can hack a million inquiries

I get one occasionally, from friends I haven't seen for a year.
Otherwise, its business as usual.

> Is this just more of my semi-delirious mind spinning around?

IMO, yeah. People just assume I'm fine. Until it actually makes me
outwardly ill, who cares?

I.P.
Claude - 15 Dec 2007 23:03 GMT
>I haven't told anyone except two people, for specific reasons, and
> have told them not to tell anyone else, since I was dx'd.
[quoted text clipped - 15 lines]
> my family)
> Is this just more of my semi-delirious mind spinning around?

Everyone is different, but this is what I did.

I sent an email to all my friends, telling them about the diagnosis,
pointing out the fact that there are several treatment modes, and since PCa
is a slow-growing cancer, I would probably live ten more years even if I did
nothing.  With treatment, I fully expected to live close to my expected
life-span (I was 63 almost 6 years ago.)  I then had an RP with margins not
clear, Gleason 3+4, one nerve saved.  As of my last exam, I still have an
undetectable PSA.

*I* felt that I wanted to be up front with people so there wouldnt be any
speculating behind my back, and no need for continued evasions from me.  I
was as matter of fact and open as possible.  I have always found that the
openness and the truth is the simplest and easiest pathway through life.

I have no regrets about that.  People don't ask me about my cancer, because
I carry on my life as I always have.  And I'm sure they don't think about it
very much, if at all.

I regard myself as having a chronic condition just like most friends my age.
One friend has a heart condition; another Lupus; a third Parkinsons; and yet
another bladder cancer.  My wife has hypertension.  We all carry conditions
that can be treated or alleviated, but can eventually take our life.  More
likely something else will.

Well, anyway that's what I did, and it certainly works for me.

Claude
alva36@gmail.com - 15 Dec 2007 23:41 GMT
> >I haven't told anyone except two people, for specific reasons, and
> > have told them not to tell anyone else, since I was dx'd.
[quoted text clipped - 4 lines]
> > something like that.
> > Has anyone kept their pca dx from others?

Are you embarrassed?  Do you feel you did something wrong?

I.P. is exactly right.

-Gordy
I.P. Freely - 16 Dec 2007 00:20 GMT
> I have always found that the
> openness and the truth is the simplest and easiest pathway through life.

I chuckled at that one, for obvious reasons, but still believe it's the
only way to go FOR ME. Many people are forced by thinner skin to
compromise both openness and truth, but it takes both those kinds, and
many variations in between, to make the world go 'round. Most of us in
either camp are glad we're not in the other, because it's so foreign to us.

I.P.
Steve Kramer - 16 Dec 2007 00:24 GMT
> Has anyone kept their pca dx from others?
> Does it work?

I attended a funeral of a man who retired on the 8th and died on the 9th in
Hospice.  Everyone at work knew he had a really bad hip and bad back, but no
one knew he had PCa until a couple of weeks ago.  Based on my observations
of him, I'd wager he was diagnosed in the mid- to late-90s.

> I feel like they will look at me differently once they know.....

I haven't noticed much of a difference.  I've never kept mine secret.  Every
now and then, a concerned friend will ask me how I'm doing.  If geels good
to come across a guy that cares and it feels good to say, "great!"

> (My wife knows of course, but I haven't told my children or anyone in
> my family)

My grandfather didn't tell anyone.  At the time, the family's reaction was
something along the lines of, "what a brave and caring man...  didn't want
his family to worry."  I think kids nowadays would think, "what an a.shole!"

Signature

PSA 16 10/17/2000 @ 46
Biopsy 11/01/2000 G7 (3+4), T2c
RRP 12/15/2000 G7 (3+4), T3cN0M0 Neg margins
PSA  <.1  <.1  <.1  .27  .37  .75            PSAD 0.19 years
EBRT 05-07/2002 @ 47
PSA  .34 .22 .15 .21 .32                       PSAD .056 years
Lupron 07/03 (1 mo) 8/03 and every 4 months there after
PSA  .07 .05 .06 .09 .08 .132 .145       PSAD 1.4 years
Casodex added daily 07/06
PSA <0.04, <0.05, <0.04, <0.04 10/11/07
Non Illegitimi Carborundum

jloomis - 16 Dec 2007 01:00 GMT
Let the cat out of the bag........You have nothing to hide.  We are all
people and all of us have ailments.
If we did not we would not be alive.
Show me one person who does not have some kind of troubles......
I told my sons, my wife, and my friends and family.  Never looked back.
Good wishes and you will do good.
jloomis
>I haven't told anyone except two people, for specific reasons, and
> have told them not to tell anyone else, since I was dx'd.
[quoted text clipped - 15 lines]
> my family)
> Is this just more of my semi-delirious mind spinning around?
Kemosabe - 16 Dec 2007 06:00 GMT
I was much relieved when I shared my dx with my children and friends.

After the initial investigation and education immediately after the dx it
was helpful to discuss treatment and particulars with the entire family and
friends.  If I had to do it again I'd probably tell everyone sooner and seek
help from a support group.  Others have traveled this path and their
experience and suggestions can be very helpful and supportive.

>I haven't told anyone except two people, for specific reasons, and
> have told them not to tell anyone else, since I was dx'd.
[quoted text clipped - 15 lines]
> my family)
> Is this just more of my semi-delirious mind spinning around?
David&Joan - 16 Dec 2007 16:20 GMT
Skeptic:

This is my experience with your issue.

I was fairly open with family, friends and coworkers. I told my family as
soon as I was DXd. My son who was finishing his radiology residency helped
by counseling with uros and radoncs at his hospital. I only told my
coworkers a few days before surgery. Everyone was supportive and concerned.
It even opened up a dialog with a few coworkers about PSA testing. And I
found a few other guys in the company who had recently completed surgery or
were about to and we compared notes.

For the next three months or so after surgery, people would ask how I am
doing. That was OK with me. I told them I was fine but didn't go into the
details about contenency and ED. At one year post surgery and negative PSAs
I told my family and a few people at work that I was glad to have contained
the disease. Now 1-1/2 year later no one asks and no one cares that I am a
PCa survivor.

That is all good and I am glad I had an open dialog with people.

David
Leonard Evens - 17 Dec 2007 02:43 GMT
> I haven't told anyone except two people, for specific reasons, and
> have told them not to tell anyone else, since I was dx'd.
[quoted text clipped - 5 lines]
> Has anyone kept their pca dx from others?
> Does it work?

I'm not sure why you feel that way.  In my case I went out of my way to
tell all the men I knew reasonably well about my experience.   Most men
don't understand much about prostate cancer, and I felt some
responsibility to educate them about the subject on the basis of my
experience.

I know several other men personally who have had prostate cancer and
none of them felt particularly secretive about it.

> I feel like they will look at me differently once they know.....

Why should they?  People get sick all the time.  Prostate cancer is just
one of many things that can happen to a man as he gets older.  There
used to be some stigma attached to cancer, bu t I don't think that is
the case anymore.

> Why do they have to know anyway...so they can say How are you feeling?
> I should point out I have a rather large circle of friends, business
> acquaintences and family, yet I am a very private person.

Some people just like to keep things private, and if you are that sort
of person, you may not want to talk about yourself with others.  I can
respect that, but I don't see why having prostate cancer should be put
in a special cateogry.

> I don't think I can hack a million inquiries which will just serve to
> remind me i have pca when I want to put it behind me and forget about
> this thing.

The only men who asked me a lot of questions about prostate cancer were
those who had either had it themselves or who had high PSAs or other
indications that they might have it.  In those cases, getting
information from someone else was helpful.

> (My wife knows of course, but I haven't told my children or anyone in
> my family)

I told my (grown) children as soon as I was diagnosed.  I also explained
that I was in no immediate danger of dying to reassure them.  They
seemed to take in stride and were very helpful when I was recovering
from surgery.

> Is this just more of my semi-delirious mind spinning around?
rosbif - 17 Dec 2007 10:42 GMT
>Has anyone kept their pca dx from others?

Yes, loads.  Only my very nearest know.  Keep it to yourself if you're
in any doubt.  You can always let on later if you think it better to
do so.
kh - 18 Dec 2007 02:08 GMT
> >Has anyone kept their pca dx from others?
>
> Yes, loads.  Only my very nearest know.  Keep it to yourself if you're
> in any doubt.  You can always let on later if you think it better to
> do so.

A year and half after diagnosis and after I ran up over $50,000 in
medical bills, my employer fired me.

FYI, some companies self-insure.  The Insurance company simply handles
the money and negotiates rates with the docs.   The more medical
service you use, the more it costs the employer, sometimes.

-kh  I'd sue except I got a job the next week earning a lot more.
skeptic - 18 Dec 2007 02:50 GMT
I guess it's the timing as much as anything...what with christmas a
week away, and now news about dan fogelberg dying of pca as well as
others recently...it's bound to provoke....pity?.....distress,
etc.......and the ineveitable questions, so I will try to continue to
keep it quiet until the last minute, and then only to a few.
Like someone said, I can always tell them afterwards if I choose.
Bottom line...I just don't see how it's anyone's business but mine.
Steve Kramer - 18 Dec 2007 14:09 GMT
>I guess it's the timing as much as anything...what with christmas a
> week away, and now news about dan fogelberg dying of pca as well as
[quoted text clipped - 3 lines]
> Like someone said, I can always tell them afterwards if I choose.
> Bottom line...I just don't see how it's anyone's business but mine.

I don't necessarily agree with the latter, but I think that since your
surgery is late January (as I recall), then you are probably making a
judicious decision in waiting until after the Holidays.

Signature

PSA 16 10/17/2000 @ 46
Biopsy 11/01/2000 G7 (3+4), T2c
RRP 12/15/2000 G7 (3+4), T3cN0M0 Neg margins
PSA  <.1  <.1  <.1  .27  .37  .75            PSAD 0.19 years
EBRT 05-07/2002 @ 47
PSA  .34 .22 .15 .21 .32                       PSAD .056 years
Lupron 07/03 (1 mo) 8/03 and every 4 months there after
PSA  .07 .05 .06 .09 .08 .132 .145       PSAD 1.4 years
Casodex added daily 07/06
PSA <0.04, <0.05, <0.04, <0.04 10/11/07
Non Illegitimi Carborundum

rosbif - 18 Dec 2007 09:56 GMT
>A year and half after diagnosis and after I ran up over $50,000 in
>medical bills, my employer fired me.

Ah, having been self-employed most of the time and paid my own
insurance, I hadn't thought of that.  Never had to deal with office
politics either, but I know to survive amongst my working peers, PCa
is better kept to oneself.

>FYI, some companies self-insure.  The Insurance company simply handles
>the money and negotiates rates with the docs.   The more medical
>service you use, the more it costs the employer, sometimes.
>
>-kh  I'd sue except I got a job the next week earning a lot more.

Excellent!  A perfect silver lining.
Just - 19 Dec 2007 13:36 GMT
>I haven't told anyone except two people, for specific reasons, and
>have told them not to tell anyone else, since I was dx'd.
>My RP is scheduled for the end of January (it drives me crazy thinking
>about the approaching date).  

Relax, do whatever you enjoy doing and have a lot of sex!

>Anyway, I'm really tempted NOT to tell a
>lot of people. It's inevitable people will ask due to my absence at
>work and other functions and I could lie and say I had knee surgery or
>something like that.
>Has anyone kept their pca dx from others?
>Does it work?

I told about my upcoming surgery to my wife, daughter and brothers &
sisters (they need to know because of genetics!).

I discussed the issue with other relatives & friends (before and after
surgery) when it would come up in the conversation (when discussing
health issues, surgery, cancer, etc.). Meaning that I didn't hide it
but also I didn't "announce" it.

In the office I just took two weeks holidays for the surgery and never
mentioned it. It was a competitive environment and I could see mostly
drawbacks of it being known.

Good luck to you!

Just
DominicM - 21 Dec 2007 12:49 GMT
> I haven't told anyone except two people, for specific reasons, and
> have told them not to tell anyone else, since I was dx'd.
[quoted text clipped - 15 lines]
> my family)
> Is this just more of my semi-delirious mind spinning around?

*************************************************************
Take a deep breath. You will be fine. Don't let it spoil your
holidays. This isn't something like pancreatic cancer.

Like many things with these disease this comes down to personal
choice. I did not hide it from friends and co-workers as I felt that I
wanted others to know the importance of early screening regardless of
the  type of cancer. The mental aspects of this disease personally
effect me more that the physical effects (I hope I can say that when I
start my next wave of treatment!). Discussing this not only helped me
but I can honestly say that I helped raise awareness especially with
friends and family that were in high risk candidates (family members w
cancer yet they weren't screened.).

Good luck whatever you choose the do. Merry Christmas.

ps.... I would not fib about knee surgery as if you have some side
effects or need further treatment that wouldn't happen with knee
surgery. Also it also might be hard to hide your catheter when you get
out of the hospital.
 
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