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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Prostate Cancer / June 2005starting counseling today or How Chemo killed a marriage
Curt and I have been "separated" for 9 days now. Of course, he is past the bad 10 days post-chemo so is feeling good and running around. Golf, racetrack, golf. He got a hole in one in a tournament Sunday. (his 3rd). He is living in Plymouth with his millionaire buddy. We have an appointment at 3 pm today. He went from "no way" to "I'll go" and back and forth 2 other times. He is coming here and we are riding together. I have to work at 7pm tonight until 6 am tomorrow. He is also mad that I gave up a weekends only schedule that paid time and a half for every hour worked but I didn't want to miss another summer (that would be 3 in a row) plus who knows how many good summers he has left. and it's not like anyone has been beating down the door to help out around here on Weekends. Sam ends up watching his brother for 10 hrs!! So now I will be working every other weekend at night. His biggest issue seems to be my older son and my raising of him. I was giving Curt equal say for quite a few years here until the Chemo and then I HAD to make all the decisions about everything! Curt isn't capable during that time. So I am supposed to be the "man" as he calls it for 10 days or so and then become this little subservient wife for 11 and then do it all over again!!??!! I caught Sam (14 in oct.) lying right to my face even knowing that I was having to choose his side or Curt's because one of them was lying and I blame so much of our problems on CANCER that I was willing to put the word of a 13 yo boy over that of a 41 yr old man who hasn't lied to me in 4 yrs!! So a lot of things are messed up here. we probably should have taken this step 4-5 yrs ago but here we are now. I don't know if he will ever live here again. I don't want him to come back until after his next chemo and sickness. that will be a week from this Friday and then about 10 days after that. Let him do it on his own. He is stretching his chemo out to 4 wks not 3 to coincide with his Zometa. He gets angry that they think he can just run into the clinic several times per month for this or that and he is too busy to be willing to do that. He also wants more good days than bad. So if we can come to some resolution on Sam, then we can confront my issues which are numerous and varied. Hopefully others will learn from our mistakes and avoid them. I'll let you know how it goes. My bro and SIL think that he is in the Anger stage what with delaying his last Lupron shot for 3 extra months, not taking his pain control as ordered, missing appointments. they may be right about that. I've made mistakes too. As a medical person I have been taking the wrong course of action. I need to hold his hand and be his wife, not his nurse. so here's for trying to work things out. Lori (snip) > We have an appointment at 3 pm today. He went from "no way" to "I'll go" > and back and forth 2 other times. He is coming here and we are riding > together. (snip) Fingers crossed. I hope this is the beginning of a turnaround. Regards, Steve J ran across this article today. might be of benefit..... curtis ==========Today's headlines » Wednesday, 01 June 2005 Cancer treatment carries 'risk of mental problems' More than a million people in the UK who have undergone treatment for cancer may be at increased risk of cognitive problems. Researchers have found that cancer survivors are twice as likely to have difficulty performing certain mental tasks following treatment as those who have never had cancer. Previous research has suggested that chemotherapy, the use of toxic doses of drugs to kill cancer cells, could have a damaging effect on mental processes. The latest study, which compared 702 sets of twins, one half of whom had had cancer, found long-term cancer survivors were at increased risk. The twins were selected from the Swedish twin registry and set mental tasks to perform. By studying twins, the researchers eliminated the influence of genetic and early childhood causes of cancer and cognitive defects. Participants were scored on a scale from zero to three, and anyone having verbal, orientation or recall problems that interfered with daily life was considered to have cognitive dysfunction. The results, published in the Journal of the National Cancer Institute, show that 15 per cent of the cancer survivors had cognitive dysfunction. Beth Meyerowitz, professor of psychology at the University of Southern California, one of the team of American and Swedish researchers, said: "The twin who had cancer was more likely to have some sort of cognitive dysfunction." The researchers also found a doubled risk of dementia among the cancer survivors but the result was not statistically significant. An editorial in the Journal urges a cautious interpretation of the research pending further studies. But Professor Meyerowitz said: "If five, eight or ten years down the line having had that treatment is going to increase a person's risk of dementia, that is something that should be considered by the physician and the patient. "Maybe a lower dose might be useful for the cancer, but would reduce the risk of cognitive dysfunction." Professor Lesley Fallowfield, of Cancer Research UK, says: "Although this is an interesting study, the accompanying editorial does urge a cautious interpretation of the results. This is certainly not a reason for cancer patients to panic and refuse treatment." knowledge is power - growing old is mandatory - growing wise is optional "Many more men die with prostate cancer than of it. Growing old is invariably fatal. Prostate cancer is only sometimes so." http://community.webtv.net/PALMER_ENT/doc Lori, I admire your desire to find a resolution or a work-around for the current issue, but no less than your decision to maintain a separate, yet communicating relationship. In my opinion, based upon what I've read of your posts(worth <$0.02) is that there is/was a strong feeling of love between the both of you. I asked my wife to read the recent threads and to offer her comments, i.e. if it were us. There was a rapid knee jerk response, followed by a thought out reply that basically correlates with your course of action. Bev and Alan's wife have had more experience with similar situations and could offer different opinions. The bottom line is: You also have a responsibility for the well being of you and your son. We both wish you the best and hope for a pleasant outcome of this unpleasant event. Tom > (snip) > [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > > Steve J Lori: I tried to send a response yesterday, but could not come up with the words to express how sad I feel for what you both are going through. I still really do not know what to say, but I do want you to know that you both are in my prayers and that I hope the counseling helps and that things work out well. So sorry. Thank you. David S. > Curt and I have been "separated" for 9 days now. Of course, he is past the > bad 10 days post-chemo so is feeling good and running around. Golf, [quoted text clipped - 47 lines] > so here's for trying to work things out. > Lori thanks everyone for the kind thoughts.. The session went badly.. he ended up walking out. her advice was that we live separately for as long as we need to. to see each other often, to talk often and to go out and do fun things together. so that is what we are going to do. I will continue to to see my therapist weekly to get my grip back. thank goodness school is finally out today!! take care all and thanks over and over again for the support I receive here. I know that our situation is quite a bit different from others here but sharing helps me a lot. Peace Lori My prayers go out to Lorelei. I keep track of this site and intend to give more inputs as my post-radiation PSA results come up, so I am an interested PCa member, and understand (or try to) the stresses involved with this "club". And so I would caution all of us: we have not yet heard from Curt (Lorelie's husband). I won't make judgements until I do. There are two sides to every marital argument, even those caused by PCa. Jim Thomas > thanks everyone for the kind thoughts.. The session went badly.. he ended up > walking out. her advice was that we live separately for as long as we need [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > Peace > Lori Well Jim, we have been following Curt's situation long enough that I personally must conclude that he is off his rocker, either due to the chemicals or what I call a spiritual problem. That's my judgment. jimhoney > My prayers go out to Lorelei. > [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] >>Peace >>Lori > Well Jim, we have been following Curt's situation long enough that I > personally must conclude that he is off his rocker, either due to the > chemicals or what I call a spiritual problem. That's my judgment. > > jimhoney Well, I guess I'd like to know what training or education leads you to conclude that. Jim > take care all and thanks over and over again for the support I receive here. > I know that our situation is quite a bit different from others here but > sharing helps me a lot. Lori, recall that I clocked a fasting blood sugar of 300 while on Lupron. I'm not saying that the Lupron was the cause of my 300 or that Curt has a problem with sugar. I'm not trying to diagnose his problem. I wonder though if he's checked out the Lupron-blood sugar issue. All the talking and couple's therapy will not solve a metabolic, blood chemistry or physiological problem. I . know . what . a . 300 blood sugar is like. It is not nice. It is dangerous. I realize now that I was driving while in a sugar haze. You can't tell how badly the sugar can affect you until the effects fade. Last week, I clocked a 118 fasting blood sugar. This is 4 months after the "missed" Lupron shot and on 1,000 mg of glucophage. 2,000 is a typical dose, my doc is not treating the diabetes aggressively. Something else is driving down the blood sugar. I think it is that the Lupron is being flushed from my system and my Testosterone levels are climbing. In the last month or so, a lot of cognitive facilities have returned. I've been writing killer software again, handling life issues effectively, just pulling things together after a miserable year (cancer diagnosis, hypertension diagnosis, diabetes, multiple cuts, gum surgery, and accidents) A bunch of it seems to be connected to the cancer and cancer treatment. In addition to the 118 blood sugar, I clocked a BP of 120/72. I was seeing numbers like 200/100 (250/150 on a treadmill) last year. Things were way out-a whack for me. I think it was the Lupron. > Lori, > [quoted text clipped - 34 lines] > > Things were way out-a whack for me. I think it was the Lupron. Wow, Curt's bps have been in the 140's/high 90's and the last one (last Friday) was 177/100! He was just without his Effexor for the last 2 weeks also. that is part of the problem, he isn't consistent with his medication. thanks for your input. Lori hi lori - i don't find it all that surprising on how your session went. in fact, i would have found it very surprising if all went well and everything is like it was. why?? because the relationship didn't happen like this overnight, nor is it going to change back overnight. this is the end product of something that happened over a period of time. now, it won't take that long to go back the other way, if both parties chose to work at it. curt did not like hearing what was said in the session. it would be a lot different if the person in charge was agreeing with him - right? but, maybe, just maybe, those words will soak in that were said. it's like when somebody says something, the other person won't pay any attention to it, yet, if somebody else says it, they hear it and think it a good idea, but not when you said it. this person at the session was an outside person who in just putting issues on the table that need to be addressed. my advice - keep going to the sessions and hopefully he will come back to them. work with him to explain why they are important for these sessions are to be attended. not an easy path. only time will tell. best of luck, ~ curtis knowledge is power - growing old is mandatory - growing wise is optional "Many more men die with prostate cancer than of it. Growing old is invariably fatal. Prostate cancer is only sometimes so." http://community.webtv.net/PALMER_ENT/doc Lori...I'm happy to hear that you will continue with your own therapy...I have been following the thread but have chosen to not comment...You are receiving excellent support from the group...I am a retired MFT and Social Worker in California...hang in there and good luck to you both... Keith Lundy/So. California 40 Proton Beam Radiation Treatments Loma Linda Univ.Med Ctr..3/03-5/03 Thinking of you and Curt, Lori..... and wishing you both well. I'm glad you will continue the counseling on your own. Perhaps Curt will eventually decide to come back to the counseling. Whatever happens, you have to take care of *you* first! MikeH > thanks everyone for the kind thoughts.. The session went badly.. he ended > up walking out. her advice was that we live separately for as long as we > need to. to see each other often, to talk often and to go out and do fun > things together. so that is what we are going to do. > > I will continue to to see my therapist weekly to get my grip back. I'm happy you (plural) are looking at things, accepting half the blame and looking for solutions. You (plural) have gotten to this point fairly quickly. I hope you (plural) don't rush the solutions. When the end comes, he will need a nurse and a wife. And, you will need to know that you lost a husband, not an enemy.  SignaturePSA 16 10/17/2000 @ 46 Biopsy 11/01/2000 G7 (3+4), T2c RRP 12/15/2000 G7 (3+4), T3cN0M0 Neg margins PSA .1 .1 .1 .27 .37 .75 EBRT 05-07/2002 @ 47 PSA .34 .22 .15 .21 .32 Lupron 07/03 (1 mo) 8/03 (4 mo), 12/03, 4/04, 09/04, 01/05 PSA .07 .05 .06 .05 non Illegitimi carborundum > Curt and I have been "separated" for 9 days now. Of course, he is past the > bad 10 days post-chemo so is feeling good and running around. Golf, [quoted text clipped - 47 lines] > so here's for trying to work things out. > Lori |
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