Hello Lorelei,
   I am very sorry for what is happening to you and Curtis.
I realize how much trouble it is to deal with a person going through life
changing medical treatments.
I do not have a clue as to help you other than, step back, take a breath,
and look forward.
I just lost a friend today, David Fredricks....(jen zone) web page.
I am very happy he is not suffering now.
Anyway, you need a break, and a deep breath.
Curt needs to know you do care.
Chemo is not fun...
My sister-in-law is getting that for breast cancer.
She lost her hair, and such.  Now is undergoing radiation.
If you can re-evaluate the situation, calm Curt down, try to find time to
heal.
I hate cancer, and many folks out there too.
Thank You for venting.
That is #1 Yell, scream, talk. vent.
I hate this key board....it is not a hug, or a handhold...
Not a smile or a tear.
I give that to you.......
John Loomis.

hi lori - i normal don't comment on it when it gets like this, but i
feel that i must.

there are a number of factors involved here.  let's go through some of
them and maybe this will explain some of the situation, but i will tell
you up front that i don't have the one answer that will put it all back
together again.

1.  on curt's side - he got dealt the blow of death.  he had to accept
this fact and it is one thing for this to happen quickly, but it is
another to see it unfold over a period a time.  it eats at him like one
can not imagine and he will slash out of the ones who are near him.

2. on lori's side - you got dealt the blow that you are going to lose
your soul mate.  it hits you as hard as if someone was to hit you in the
stomach with all their might.  you have tried to pick up the pieces and
to fight with all your strength and at the same time, to be a
cheerleader to your husband.  to give him the strength to fight on.

but as the effects of the chemo has taken its toll in general, it takes
from the person who is receiving it.  that person is having to deal with
the effects from the chemo and from life in general.  there are a lot of
things going through his head and he doesn't understand them.

also, the pca itself, could have gotten in and affected his thinking.
this is a possibility.  

the end effect would be about the same, with outbursts of anger and
confusion.

caregiving is one of THE worse jobs i can think of.  you take the abuse
of the person you are caring for.  you are the one who is the center
point of where they can take out their anger on.  it makes no difference
if you are caregiving for someone with cancer, heart disease, or any
other fatal illness, YOU WILL BE ABUSED.  

what you are describing here is one of those episodes.

the only answer i can offer is to get involved in a caregiving support
group.  you are not alone and you can learn how to deal with the
problems involved in caregiving.

i have been involved in caregiving for over 9 years now.  first, my dad
- now, my wife.

check with the local hospitals first, they should be able to give you
direction on  where a caregivers support is, if they don't have one at
the hospital.  also, check the internet for caregiver support groups.

one last piece of advice,  it is a known fact that the caregiver's
health will be affected if they do much caregiving.

best of luck,

~ curtis

knowledge is power - growing old is mandatory - growing wise is optional    
"Many more men die with prostate cancer than of it. Growing old is
invariably fatal. Prostate cancer is only sometimes so."
http://community.webtv.net/PALMER_ENT/doc

Oh no, what terrible news.  The chemicals must be affecting his brain.
Yes, he should move out.

But he needs to come to terms with his situation, somehow.  He must not
be very spiritual or he would already have a strategy to cope.  Some
people hated the late Pope, but look how focused he was at the end.

Hang in there, Lori.  Call the police if you have to.

jimhoney

Lori, you might try and just simply turn the other cheek. I say that becuase
mets in the in the bone hurt and it is a nagging pain. Chemo hurts and it is
a tiring pain. And all of this cause very short fuses. Next toime, simply
say, I am sorry you hurt and leave for a while...take in a movie, etc. But
to argue will on;y make things worse. Curt is facing his on mortality and
there is nothing no one can do. I am very sorry.

lori...... here's something that i can give you over the internet.  you
can't purchase it at the drug store, but it has a powerful effect.

((((((((H-H-H-H-U-UU-U-U-G-G-G-G))))))

hang in there.

~ curtis

knowledge is power - growing old is mandatory - growing wise is optional    
"Many more men die with prostate cancer than of it. Growing old is
invariably fatal. Prostate cancer is only sometimes so."
http://community.webtv.net/PALMER_ENT/doc

Of course we do not know what things were like prior to the cancer, though
you've always struck me as a loving, supportive wife.  So, I will only
comment on the cancer.

It is possible, even under chemo, that the cancer has spread to his brain.
If that happens, depending on where it finds itself, behavior may be
altered.

In any case, it's a bad news-bad news scenario.  Either he's physically
affected by the cancer and you are in danger or he's not and you are in
danger.

I do not envy the choices you will have to make.

Hi, Lori...
I'm so sorry for this horrible incident!  You've already received some very
good advice from some of the other guys here, and I don't know that I could
add anything new.
It must be such a dastardly thing to see your life slipping away right
before your
very eyes at age 41.... and the chemo and bone mets on top of all that! :(
But you have to take care of YOU, too.
Try to remember..... we tend to lash out more easily at those we love (crazy
as that sounds)
because we know they will still love us.  I'm not in any way supporting
Curt's actions, however,
and you need to look out for yourself.
I think the support group is a great idea if you can find one.  If not,
please keep venting here
on a regular basis.

My heart goes out to you.... and to Curt!

(((((((((((((((((((Lori)))))))))))))))))))))

MikeH

Dear Lori,

Nothing hurts more than when the one we love and are trying to help turns on
us.  Be it the mental stress, chemical reaction, or what ever; it still
hurts like hell even when we realize that the person we fell in love with
has been changed by a demon not of their own choice.

I feel a need to relate something I have observed in other people and have
felt myself.  When a person is told they have a terminal illness, that
person has a lot to come to grips with.  One thing I saw in a family member
was that she turned very hateful to her husband in the last months. The
reason was that she was angry at  him because he was going to go on and live
the the life they thought they would be sharing.  He would live on, prabably
remarry, and would spend the money that they had both worked hard to put
away for their old age.

My brother in law was the same way toward my sister in his last year. He was
mad as hell that she would live on and he would not.

I was told in 1999 by the doctor that prostate cancer would be my cause of
death. As he put it "this disease is going to kill you, but it is my job to
see that it takes a long time".  As I came to grips with the fact that my
life would be over in 10 or so years, I also felt anger at my partner.  He
will go on to live many more years, probably have a long retirement, and
spend my money!!  It truly made me angry at HIM, when he certainly had no
blame in the matter.  I have gotten over those feelings with time, and yet
the feelings do come back from time to time.  I now know how to handle them
and move on.

Curt has not had the time to work through these feelings of anger.  He is
most likely angry at his disease and angry at you also.

While no person ever has to put up with abuse and you must do all you have
to do to prevent any future abuse, try not to let these episodes taint your
love or your caring for your spouse.  Always remember the reasons you fell
in love in the first place.

I truly feel for you, as the care giver is often the one overlooked in these
situations.  I hope you have a friend or family member in the area who can
give you the support and care that YOU need.  You may also want to consider
local mental health agencies for a referal to someone you can talk to.

Wishing you better times in the future,

Dale P
Denver

Oh, Lorelei . . . that sounds a wful. You have sounded SO supportive of
Curt. If this isn't a reason to drop whatever treatment is causing this --  
chemo, ADT, whatever -- I don't know what is. Try to catch him in a rational
moment and convincehim to et to his doctor about this. If his doc considers
this kind of behavior worth it to bolster his statistics, shame on him.

I.P.

Hi Lori,  I'm so sorry for what you are experiencing.  Our hearts go out to
you.  It is difficult enough dealing with this illness without having to
watch the person you care so much about helplessly turning into a person
you don't know. I agree with the people who suggest talking to his
physician, and if it's the meds, then I would insist they be either
changed or discontinued.  I don't know how old your son is, but it must be
extremely frightening to him to see these changes as well.  I don't know
what I would do in your situation, as I am not the one with her world
falling apart,  but you must keep yourself safe, as well as your child.
If your husband is very different from who he was before, then your
physician should be able to refer you to someone who can help you make
decisions about what is best.  Your husband must be very frightened
himself, perhaps he would be relieved to have a third party helping.
(Social services, hospice, etc.)  This feels very inadequate considering
what you are going through, but our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Lori, email me your phone number and I'll call you. Too much to write on the
NG.
Bev