I am a pastor and people in my church asked me what they can do to be
helpful and supportive as I prepare for my prostatectomy (scheduled for
tomorrow - Thursday, April 28).  I told them that humor helps the healing a
lot and so people have been sending me jokes.  Here is what I received
today.  Enjoy!

Fred

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words
back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a
few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids
in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow
job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband
didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf
balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing
for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I
looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that
sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy
grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has
never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would
be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just
as threatening, "If you don' t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that
I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening
after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with
my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on
him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between
errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old
daughter, and she was clean.Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go
potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I
kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have
any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an
accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny,
did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM,IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly
pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely
think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So
Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have
to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!