Austin American-Statesman  Friday, March 11, 2005

COMMENTARY By John Kelso

I've come up with a cure for the Social Security problem - the apple tax.

The apple tax would work like this: Every time you buy something that's good
for you or do something healthy, you have to pay a 10 percent tax on it.

I know this sounds bassackwards, with sin taxes all the rage. But look at it
this way: Who is a bigger drain on the Social Security system, the annual
winner of the kolache-eating contest, or that yupster out on the
hike-and-bike trail who is going to be walking on his hands at the age of
72?

Obviously the health nut puts a bigger dent in Social Security because he's
going to be drawing a government check until he's 98 years old. The other
guy over at Sonic gnawing on a footlong won't present that problem.

So tax the shrubbery at the salad bar.

The Legislature got it all screwed up earlier this week when a House
committee passed a bill that would make Texans pay a 3 percent snack tax on
items such as cakes, cookies and chips.

What ever happened to fairness? Every time you turn around in this country,
the government is jacking up the price of booze, cigarettes and hot dogs,
the theory being that these necessities cost us money on medical bills.
Maybe so, but what about these annoying bicyclists who are going to be
waiting on their government checks at the nursing home when they're doing
wheelies around the place in their Spandex Depends?

The people we should be taxing are these fake meat-eating health freaks
shopping for tofu franks at the new Pesto Country Safari (aka Whole Foods
Market) at Sixth and Lamar. When you get right down to it, granola is a
bigger drag on the economy than gravy.

Mr. Fat and Drunk downs a six-pack of beer a day and lives on pepperoni and
queso, and he's gone to that great all-you-can-eat buffet in the sky by,
say, 58. Meanwhile, Mr. Pencil Neck who grazes out of the spinach bin at
Central Market lives to be 95, which means that for 30 years he's dining out
of the government trough.

For the apple tax, I'd suggest a 10 percent sales tax on anything with
fiber, any product marketed as "light," and health club memberships. I'd
also charge a $2 jogging fee on the hike-and-bike trail, and $1 for every
mile run in marathons.

The ones who drive me crazy are these guy joggers who wear those black
strap-on heart monitors around their chests. It looks like something you'd
wear to keep from flapping. Those guys ought to pay a $100,000 apple tax for
wearing those things. Do us all a favor and put on a T-shirt, OK?

Under the apple tax, we would measure everybody's love handles annually with
a set of calipers. Anyone over the age of 42 who has less than 25 percent
body fat has to pay an annual $100 flat fee to the federal government.

Hey, if some of you people would consume more chicken-fried steak, the
Social Security system would take care of itself.

But here you boomers are, buying skin-care products, going to gyms, taking
aerobics classes, yoga'ing around on the floor, trying to live forever. Cut
it out, for gosh sakes. You're ruining the economic future of America.

John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at
445-3606 or jkelso@statesman.com.