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kitchener - 09 Jan 2005 13:21 GMT

husband had prostate cancer 4 yrs ago....still leaks.
sex is out
we are not intimate and seldom hug, but had a active sex live before....and
now nothing.
how can I make him understand I still need some sort of sex. I have tried to
tell him how much I need it and he still doesn't get it.
what else can I do?
he is embarrassed about his leaking and has a rash too. has pain on one of
his sides. his psa still reads 0

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James A. Honeychuck - 09 Jan 2005 13:50 GMT

I think no urologist would consider this a satisfactory outcome.
Suggest you make an appointment for him with a urologist, and then do
what you can to make him go there.

It might help if he would read this newsgroup. Some people here might
beat up on him a bit, but maybe he needs it.

jimhoney

> husband had prostate cancer 4 yrs ago....still leaks.
> sex is out
[quoted text clipped - 5 lines]
> he is embarrassed about his leaking and has a rash too. has pain on one of
> his sides. his psa still reads 0

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MH - 09 Jan 2005 15:55 GMT

Try this link....

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/supportEDpartners/

This is a group of mostly women who share and support one another as they
try to come to terms with the loss of intimacy in their relationships due to
PCa. I think you might find this a good place to share and look for support
for you and your husband.

Best of luck to you....

MikeH :)

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Steve Kramer - 09 Jan 2005 21:10 GMT

Wow! That hits home. Exact opposite here. Would love some sex, but wife
won't or can't.

YOU MUST BE 18 TO READ PAST THIS POINT!

You don't mention his treatment(s). I'm going to assume radical
prostatectomy.

If that is all, then he should still have his mental faculties normal to a
man of whatever age he is. If so, I think I would if I were you, just
insist on getting to his penis. Assuming you are overwhelmed with the
thought of sex, go for the gold. Do it playfully, but be insistent. He has
to know that you don't care about a little bit of urine. You're willing to
handle it, and wash your hands. You're willing to accept it and wash
yourself. And/or you're willing to suck it and use mouthwash. Regardless
as to what you're willing to do, you have to convince him that is YOUR
desire. It's going to be difficult, but fortunately for you, a man can't
resist a sexually provacative woman for long.

However, if he's on hormone treatment, your task is a little more difficult.
But, in most cases, a man's manhood will usually be your ally.

Signature

Prostate Cancer Survivor (so far), not a doctor
PSA 16 10/17/2000 @ 46
Biopsy 11/01/2000 G7 (3+4), T2c
RRP 12/15/2000 G7 (3+4), T3bN0M0
PSA .1 .1 .1 .27 .37 .75
EBRT 05-07/2002 @ 47
PSA .34 .22 .15 .21 .32
Lupron (1 mo) 07/21/2003 @ 48
PSA .07 .05 .06
Lupron (4 mo) 8/03 (48), 12/03, 4/04 (49), 09/04 (50)
non Illegitimi carborundum

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smu53@aol.com - 09 Jan 2005 22:58 GMT

Kitchener,
I was 50 when I had RP in Feb 2004. I was very freaked out about the
impotence/incontinence, so pre-op I had my doc show me how to do the
penile injections. I'm very glad I did, because I was able to resume a
normal sex life at day 13. My wife was real friend through the whole
thing. She said "just don't die. I can adapt to anything else." She was
true to her word, because at first I was totally incontinent. Sex was a
fun, but a mess. Her take on it was "It will wash off, so don't worry
about it." Knowing I was still desirable was a big psychological boost.
We have been married for 28 happy years, but the "for better or worse"
promises never seemed so relevant. Fortunately the incontinence went
away after about 8 weeks, and now I have most of my erectile function
back. I think having a normal sex life was a big factor in my recovery.
Don't give up. You are telling your husband how much you care about him
when you encourage sexual relations with him, and are willing to deal
with less than perfection.
Steve

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Leonard Evens - 09 Jan 2005 23:21 GMT

> Kitchener,
> I was 50 when I had RP in Feb 2004. I was very freaked out about the
[quoted text clipped - 12 lines]
> when you encourage sexual relations with him, and are willing to deal
> with less than perfection.

As urologists keep pointing out, urine is sterile if you don't have an
infection. Before modern medicine, urine was often used to wash
wounds. Also, given the way a man's reproductive and urinary tract are
combined, it would be a miracle if during a long married life, the
man's semen never contained any urine. Similarly, many older women also
suffer from stress incontinence and it would not be surprising if they
sometimes urinating slightly during intercourse.

My wife reacted the same way yours did, and it did wash off.

> Steve
>
[quoted text clipped - 16 lines]
>
>>his sides. his psa still reads 0

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John Loomis - 10 Jan 2005 01:14 GMT

Hello, I had RP when I was 49. One bundle of nerves spared........
No hardon, little leak, went away......
No I did not pee myself, but could not get an erection.
I tried injections, pumps, etc.
Finally about 2 years later, things did improve.
Are you walking, exersizing?
Your wife needs love, and a little salty pee never hurt no man....
So, do try to keep yourself clean, and if not, enjoy sex, and then clean.
I look at dogs........they have no problem.....
We should not either.
I hope you can give your wife a great big hug, and a little pee.....she
won't mind...
she loves you....
John Loomis

> Kitchener,
> I was 50 when I had RP in Feb 2004. I was very freaked out about the
[quoted text clipped - 25 lines]
> one of
>> his sides. his psa still reads 0

Reply to this Message

Philski - 10 Jan 2005 21:09 GMT

> Kitchener,
> I was 50 when I had RP in Feb 2004. I was very freaked out about the
[quoted text clipped - 32 lines]
>
>>his sides. his psa still reads 0

Let me add that the Caverject shots work for us too! :)

Philski

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kitchener - 22 Jan 2005 00:57 GMT

Thanks for all your support.
he won't do computer stuff and thinks I think about sex too much...so got
to get my mind away from that.
Sex is one thing that makes a person feels younger. and I can see how he
is aging and at this rate me too!
I am to blame as I don't love him and we have very little in common...so
it probably has a lot to do with me. I just cannot make myself love him the
way a wife should. I am too old to start over again anyway.
but thanks for listening
> husband had prostate cancer 4 yrs ago....still leaks.
> sex is out
> we are not intimate and seldom hug, but had a active sex live
before....and
> now nothing.
> how can I make him understand I still need some sort of sex. I have
tried to
> tell him how much I need it and he still doesn't get it.
> what else can I do?
> he is embarrassed about his leaking and has a rash too. has pain on one
of
> his sides. his psa still reads 0
>
>

Reply to this Message

sandi - 22 Jan 2005 12:51 GMT

we are not intimate and seldom hug, but had a active sex live

> before....and
> > now nothing.
> >

> > what else can I do?

My 61 year old husband had RP surgery 2 years ago, IMRT treatments and
10 months of Lupron. He is impotent and has no libido and we still
have maintained an "intimate" relationship. Its definitely not been
easy trying to work through all this but we've refused to let go and
accept a sexless marriage. Maybe its because I'm only 44 years old and
still desperately desire my husbands touch and I've been persistent in
being the initiator in this process. It sounds to me like you've given
up and you're blaming yourself. I don't think you should give up at
all. I think you just need to regroup and come up with a new plan on
how to approach this situation. I'm not going to go into specifics on
this newsgroup for fear of offending anyone but please feel free to
email me directly and I would be more than happy to tell you things
that worked for us.

Sandi
sjbenton@earthlink.net

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Beverley - 25 Jan 2005 04:21 GMT

This is a very real problem and I think it is obvious that PC effects both
the man and the woman. Good communication is probably the best possible
thing you can have between a husband and wife or between partners.
Unfortunately I think sometimes as the "other partner" we have to take the
lead. I think when you really love someone then this becomes easier. But
from what you are saying there is not a lot of love there just a mutual
cohabitation? So sex is just for the sake of a "good time"? Well, Honey,
pull out all the stops, pretended you are a hooker and go for it. What the
heck, might as well. Do what you can to start his engine and yours too. So
what if it doesn't get hard - there's lots of other things you and he can do
to satisfy the animalistic lust. Valentines Day is just around the corner -
use it as an excuse to make him, at least, attentive. Often men are
embarrassed because they do not have a good woody so they think they can't
be satisfied or satisfying. Take the lead and tell him to relax and just
enjoy. If sexy under garments, teddies, whipped cream, etc. worked before
than do it! Light the candles, put on some music and put rose petals on the
bed...... whatever!! Who cares if it takes 3 hours? Just get his brain in
the right place the rest will follow.
Bev (Ok, guys, I will admit, I've never worn a teddy in my life! NEVER! It's
not me. LOL)

> Thanks for all your support.
> he won't do computer stuff and thinks I think about sex too much...so got
[quoted text clipped - 19 lines]
> >
> >

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