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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Prostate Cancer / September 2004Uncertainty - Rant
(RANT) UNCERTAINTY I have Prostate Cancer! It's just a "little one"! Will it kill me? Not today, not tomorrow....but sometime. When? Will it hurt? Will it take a long time? How long can I wait before it's too late...and THEN I'll be sorry won't I! Should I have surgery? Should I have radiation? Should I have Robotic-Laparoscomy? Should I have Cryosurgery? How about Hormones? And then there's all those side effects! IMPOTENCY INCONTINENCE PAIN EMBARRASEMENT (LIFE!!!!) Which Doctor should I see? I've seen FIVE! Everybody I talk to gives me another name. I have ten more names! Should I see all ten? Ten more? Twenty? They are all respectible. They all do what they do EVERY DAY! But are they any good? Which one is right for ME? I only get ONE CHANCE! The surgeons say CUT! The Radio-Oncologists say BURN! (Well, ONE of them did say CUT!) Should I go see the one my Doctor says he'd see if he had PC.? (But he's at John's Hopkins and I'm in LA...besides my insurance won't even talk about it!) How about the "BEST" in LA...at USC or UCLA? (They quit TAKING insurance cases...they can make more money without the bother!) Should I say, "To heck with it, I'm blowing the family savings on this, I'm getting the best in the COUNTRY, cost be dammed! My family will just have to try to get by." I don't think so! So I've picked a guy. Several other doctors have said he's good. I've picked a date. I've set-up the blood donation and pre-op visits. I've read literaly hundreds of pages about this ugly thing. I could probably teach a CLASS! I still don't know a bloody thing!!!!! When I broke my collar bone...we fixed it. When my knee quit working...we fixed that. When I had a hernia...we fixed it. When I had a kidney stone...we fixed it (three times!) Now, I'm going to have someone "fix" something that I can't even tell is broken! After it's "fixed", I'll be more "broken" than I am now! I'll will never be the same completely again. And that can't be "fixed". Hell, the PC might not even be "fixed"!! I am more than just "aware" that I am not alone. Nevertheless, to me, there is just one ME! Ultimately, I have to CHOOSE this and DO this by MYSELF! No, I am not weeping! No, I am not feeling sorry for myself! I am wandering around in an emotional hurricane without so much as an umbrella! And I'm getting VERY DAMN WET!!!! But, I'll do this thing. Because I want to keep on living. Because I want to see my Grandsons grow. Because I love my family (and some of them say they still need me.) I am AFRAID! I am UNCERTAIN! UNCERTAIN! UNCERTAIN! (End of RANT...now returning you to your regularly scheduled life.) jp "I may be old, but I know what I like!" hi jp - well said. if it was so damn easy for the treatment of prostate cancer, there would be one treatment and one prognosis and all is well. but with all the different TYPES of treatments - i mean surgery can not compare to radiation. those of two different players as compared similar players such as seeds vs external radiation. each treatment is going to affect the body differently. surgery will affect the body differently than cryosurgery. and then it boils down to one thing. it is your decision and you've got ONE shot at it and as the song that peter, paul, and mary sings about the wheel of life. "win or lose, you must choose, and if you lose, you only pay for it with your life." i've offered this advice over and over again. after you have read, researched, and re-read everything. lock out your emotions and think with your mind. what is the best chance of survival do i have - logically........and go for it. now, that will not steer someone to the same answer in every case, but at least when you make the final decision, you will rest assured that you did the best you could given the facts as you know them, and that means a lot in terms of peace of mind. ~ curtis knowledge is power - growing old is mandatory - growing wise is optional "Many more men die with prostate cancer than of it. Growing old is invariably fatal. Prostate cancer is only sometimes so." Rant on, JP, just rant on! You're entitled. And, of course, you are "preaching to the converted" here, as well. I guess we've all had pretty much the same thoughts, doubts, fears, frustrations, etc., etc. Putting them down in words though is cathartic for you, and for us as well. Thanks for that. Every now and then it doesn't hurt to get it all out, and particularly to fellow voyagers who have some idea of how emotionally painful this trip really is. Good luck, and good health.  SignatureJerryW jweindel at flash dot net 2/11/04 PSA 2.6, Suspicious DRE (age 62) 2/23/04 Biopsy: Gleason 3+4=7, T2a, left lobe 5/18/04 RRP, Path: Gleason 4+3=7, T2c, both lobes Tumor organ-contained; lymph nodes clear, seminal vesicles clear Both nerve bundles spared 7/13/04 PSA <0.1 > (RANT) > [quoted text clipped - 94 lines] > > "I may be old, but I know what I like!" You summed it up pretty well, jp.... I'm glad you vented. It's catharctic for others, as well. I have felt all the feelings you put into this piece. I chose surgery... and almost two years later, I still face uncertainty. But, then, I could walk out in front of a bus tomorrow.... I just don't think about the latter very often, and it seems farfetched. Take care... I wish you the best! MikeH > (RANT) > [quoted text clipped - 99 lines] > > "I may be old, but I know what I like!" Not to be morbid, but a friend of mine was hit by a bus and spend a year out of work recovering. The bus driver said he did not see him. I lived by an airport growing up, and one day an engine fell off a jet liner as it was taking off an climbing. I think it was a four enjine jet, so the loss of an engine did not cause it to crash, and the thing fell harmlessly in a farmer's field. But, it could have fallen on homes or a business. We never know. >But, then, I could walk out in front of a bus tomorrow.... I just don't >think about the latter very often, and it seems farfetched. > >MikeH > Not to be morbid, but a friend of mine was hit by a bus and spend a > year out of work recovering. The bus driver said he did not see him. [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > fell harmlessly in a farmer's field. But, it could have fallen on > homes or a business. We never know Just yesterday in the town where I work there was an accident. Hurricane Frances was passing through and we had lots of water and wind. Seems a young girl lost control of a Caprice and drove it into the Waffle House, killing a waitress. Imagine... you're a waitress..... you go to work at Waffle House everyday. Never would you imagine that someone would drive a car through the building and mow you down!! Sad.... MikeH Mike, In the part of Jersey we live in there are several *senior communities* and lots of drivers who shouldn't be driving, it's not unusual to read about some codger driving into a store or bank without using the drive up window. I'm 62 but these folks are OLD. Tom > > Not to be morbid, but a friend of mine was hit by a bus and spend a > > year out of work recovering. The bus driver said he did not see him. [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > > MikeH You made me laugh. I remember my mom driving and complaining about the old folks on the road. Of course she was probably about 10 years older than those "old folks" but she drove a sports car with a powerful engine and knew how to use the gas pedal!! Bev > Mike, > [quoted text clipped - 22 lines] > > > > MikeH > > Not to be morbid, but a friend of mine was hit by a bus and spend a > > year out of work recovering. The bus driver said he did not see him. [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > > MikeH as I tell my husband. "there are a million ways to die, rarely do we get to choose" remember, life's not fair, truest statement ever made. > Imagine... you're a waitress..... you go to work at > Waffle House everyday. Never would you imagine that someone would drive a > car through the building and mow you down!! Sad.... Yeah. Pancake restraunt, maybe. But not a Waffle House. > (RANT) Wow! Feel better? > I have Prostate Cancer! Welcome to the club no one wants to join. > It's just a "little one"! Yeah, arent' they all! Most of us here have never had a symptom. Thank God for PSA! BTW, what is your PSA? Stage? Gleason? > Will it kill me? Maybe. I'm thinking probably not. If it is small, you are getting it at a wonderful time in history. > Will it hurt? If it kills you, it will hurt like hell. But, it is far too premature to worry about that. > Will it take a long time? Probably years. Without your numbers, I don't know. Likely a decade or more. > How long can I wait before it's too late...and THEN I'll be sorry won't I! Don't wait! > Should I have surgery? > Should I have radiation? > Should I have Robotic-Laparoscomy? > Should I have Cryosurgery? > How about Hormones? Surgery and Brachy are running neck-and-neck right now, but like I said above, there are lots of variables. Your age is another. > And then there's all those side effects! > IMPOTENCY Usually, but often temporary > INCONTINENCE Usually, but often temporary > PAIN Sometimes, but rarely > EMBARRASEMENT Never. All modesty is lost > (LIFE!!!!) > Should I see all ten? See them until you are comfortable with yoru decision. > Should I go see the one my Doctor says he'd see if he had PC.? See them until you are comfortable. Let your doctor see his friend. > Should I say, "To heck with it, I'm blowing the family savings on this, I'm > getting the best in the COUNTRY, cost be dammed! My family will just have to try > to get by." No. The best reason for getting the best doctor is for the most likely nerve-sparing. > I've picked a date. When? > Ultimately, I have to CHOOSE this and DO this by MYSELF! And don't look back! SignatureProstate Cancer Survivor (so far), not a doctor PSA 16 10/17/2000 @ 46 Biopsy 11/01/2000 G7 (3+4), T2c RRP 12/15/2000 PSA .1 .1 .1 .27 .37 .75 EBRT 05-07/2002 @ 47 PSA .34 .22 .15 .21 .32 Erection 05/12/2003 @ 48 HTbegins 07/21/2003 @ 48 PSA .07 .05 Lupron 7/03, 8/03, 12/03, 4/04 non illegitimi carborundum Hello JP. I wanted to run in front of traffic when I heard my diagnosis. Or jump off a bridge. I didn't. I wanted to see my sons graduate from college, and smell a few more roses. I have to say, you have done all the homework, did not see your age?(I was dx'd @ 49) Age is a factor in determining treatment. Health condition also.... So, dont throw in the towel, and yes it is confusing....This World has got so more damned confusing that I can believe. And who do you Believe? Oncologist says burn it baby. Use hormones.......cut off testosterone, cut off your balls.....(yes, a Dr. I saw told me if I cut off my balls, I would live a bit longer) Anyway, to get back to the point, age is important, and such. I chose RP. Do not pee myself, have erections, and so far after 5 years seem to be hanging in there, (balls are too)or else I would not be able to send this message. I am glad I did not get radiated.... I am glad the cancer is out. I have no prostate and no ejaculation. I do have a wife, and can have sex, and am 5 years past surgery. Tough choice. If you would like to talk to me, I would love to hear from you. It is not easy. Don't throw in the proverbial towel. You are in a good direction, and need to rid yourself of this cancer. Keep asking questions, ! Lots of avenues, and many friends willing to help you decide. I have seen one son graduate from college. I plan to see the other one also graduate. 5 years post RP I give you encouragement...... Not discouragement! A friend....John Loomis > (RANT) > [quoted text clipped - 94 lines] > > "I may be old, but I know what I like!" JP, Great rant. Did you post your numbers yet? I can't find them in the archive. Anyway, the way I coped with the uncertainty was to study the stats. jimhoney Well said JP I'm right there with ya... You sum it up nicely. For the uncertainty I used to go for long bike rides. Now, post LRP I can't ride yet but long walks are helping. Now I find that I need radiation too due to positive margins. All that work and pain and surgery to avoid radiation, gotta do it anyway. Like you, I'm gonna ride this out. No choice really. I have two small kids and I need to see 'em grow up and go to college. So i'll do the radiation, suffer thru whatever that brings and occasionally post to the guys here who understand. I hope I can do it as well as you did. Good job chosing a surgeon. that was the hardest part for me. Now I'm on the rollercoaster. I'll be riding with a lot of the guys here. Bob > (RANT) ..... > I have Prostate Cancer! > It's just a "little one"! [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > Will it take a long time? > How long can I wait before it's too late...and THEN I'll be sorry won't I! .... JP Thank You ............... ................for so eloquently putting into words what all of us have gone through/ are going through. Your awareness and sensitivity tell me that you are a strong man, and that no matter what your chosen path, and what the outcome you'll do just fine because you are really living this speed bump and that you have friends (and all of us here) and family who will love and support and care for you. Please: - take care of you, jp, now - keep us posted on your decision and its outcome - then you can take care again of those who need you (and love you) and need watching by you as they grow Thanks Tony in Tucson 25 weeks and 6 days post-op and <.01 (thank you) prostate cancer support? I don't have a prostate any longer so I'll support someone else's prostate? - ....oh ok > (RANT) > [quoted text clipped - 94 lines] > > "I may be old, but I know what I like!" >(RANT) ..(snip) >(End of RANT...now returning you to your regularly scheduled life.) Sorry...forgot to introduce myself properly: And thanks for all the kind comments. I've been lurking here for a month, just wasn't quite ready to "join in". The rant helped. John Poer Los Angeles, CA Married to a patient wife. Two Daughters, two Grandsons. One cat. Age: 63 Diagnosed T1c, Gleason 3+3, (1 hit out of 12 core biopsy) on July13, 2004 Currently scheduled for RRP on October 11, 2004 jp "I may be old, but I know what I like!" hi john - welcome to this club you didn't want to join. your numbers look very good chance for a "cure". may you have a very minimum discomfort surgery and a speedy recovery. i can tell you that you will be amazed as to how little pain there is after the surgery and under control with one or two pills a day. best of luck. ~ curtis knowledge is power - growing old is mandatory - growing wise is optional "Many more men die with prostate cancer than of it. Growing old is invariably fatal. Prostate cancer is only sometimes so." Glad you stepped in. Looks like very good numbers; both for RRP and for a cure. SignatureProstate Cancer Survivor (so far), not a doctor PSA 16 10/17/2000 @ 46 Biopsy 11/01/2000 G7 (3+4), T2c RRP 12/15/2000 PSA .1 .1 .1 .27 .37 .75 EBRT 05-07/2002 @ 47 PSA .34 .22 .15 .21 .32 Erection 05/12/2003 @ 48 HTbegins 07/21/2003 @ 48 PSA .07 .05 Lupron 7/03, 8/03, 12/03, 4/04 non illegitimi carborundum > >(RANT) > ..(snip) [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > > "I may be old, but I know what I like!" With those numbers and an experienced surgeon doing a nerve-sparing procedure, you should plan on a complete cure (like I got with numbers not as good as yours). jimhoney PSA? SignatureProstate Cancer Survivor (so far), not a doctor PSA 16 10/17/2000 @ 46 Biopsy 11/01/2000 G7 (3+4), T2c RRP 12/15/2000 PSA .1 .1 .1 .27 .37 .75 EBRT 05-07/2002 @ 47 PSA .34 .22 .15 .21 .32 Erection 05/12/2003 @ 48 HTbegins 07/21/2003 @ 48 PSA .07 .05 Lupron 7/03, 8/03, 12/03, 4/04 non illegitimi carborundum > >(RANT) > ..(snip) [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > > "I may be old, but I know what I like!" > >(RANT) > ..(snip) [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > > "I may be old, but I know what I like!" Not old, just getting started. You grabbed the bull by the horn. Very much the same stats here only age 59 when diagnosed. Two years coming up on Dec 2. All's fine so far. I'm jogging and doing what I want to do . Good luck Dale J. SignatureEmail: dalej2@mac.com Hello John.....since you live in LA and are scheduled for surgery.....give Loma Linda a call to see if Proton Treatment fits your needs...the 10 year study is available and results put it up with other treatments with minimal to no side to no side effects...... ..1-800-PROTONS......GoodLuck no matter what your final choice will be. Keith Lundy/So. California 40 Proton Beam Radiation Treatments Loma Linda Univ.Med Ctr..3/03-5/03 *(RANT) <snip> I'm with you bro! This disease isn't something that anyone plans on getting. And it sucks royally when a diagnosis is given. But with excellent treatment, you can greatly increase your chances of becoming relatively PCa free. Keep the faith and since venting, ranting., et.al., helps relieve pressure and/or anxiety, then by all means, let it flow. Al, PCa diagnosis @41; RRP @42 Please be quiet if replying via email, flames will be deleted promptly. I won't even read the whole message... Hey JP it's all what it is, it gets worse sometimes when knock on wood we survive and get less than...0.1 for PSA. Then I still want to moan about the iatrogenic effects but .......................................................................... ...................................................i beat the thing I never felt and other better people than me haven't.. ahhhhh. |
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