Hello again!
I apologize for the tardiness in my reply, but i do not access the group
everyday. It was from another site (PCAI). Here is the original e-mail in
from a member who then describes the letter that her husband sent her for
Mother's day. It was so eloquent. Just read down the message & you'll find
it.
Take care all!
Jerry...........................

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Hello Susan,

I can relate to many things that you said in your email because your story
does seem very similar to mine.  I am a Dean Koontz fan; I have read about
half of his novels so far.  Recently I came across a paragraph that just
caused my mind to drawn back in time to the day that my husband's doctor
called with the biopsy report.  We had both been waiting in the house most
of the day for the call.  It was early evening when the phone finally rang;
my husband answered the phone.  I heard only some of the conversation.  Then
my husband hung up the phone, and walked into the bedroom.  He said, "I have
cancer."  These lines from The Bad Place  reminded me so much of how I felt
that day:  ".she knew this was to be a night that cleaved her life, and that
the years to come inevitably would be darker than the years she had lived on
the other side of that cleft."  Of course, our lives haven't been the same,
and it seems like life has been just one challenge after another.  Two
months after my husband's diagnosis we put to sleep my 15.5 year old cat
because of feline lymphoma cancer.  That alone caused me great sadness and
many tears.  On October 6th(my birthday) we met with my husband's surgeon.
October 22nd he had the surgery 200 miles from our home.  The surgeon told
us later that the cancer had escaped the capsule, but that he did get clean
margins.  The months from then to now have been filled with sadness and
concern over the possibility of the return of the cancer and the ever
present impotence.  I think that I spent way too many hours researching on
the net for info about the cancer or treatments for the impotence.  The 'bad
news' nature of most of it just fueled my depression.  I noticed that after
I would search the web for info I would be in a very down mood for a long
time. However, I was very compulsive about it, as though I could find
answers and 'fix' all of this.  Recently, I  decided that I had to quit
researching and let things play out.  I believe that that was a turning
point for me because my depression lessened a little each day after that.
I'm having more and more tear free days as time goes on.

My husband gave me a touching card this year for Mother's Day that he made
himself on the computer.  This is what he wrote inside:  "I hope you know
how very much I appreciate you. This year has been really difficult, but I
can always count on you to make things better!  I am at a loss for words
that say how much you mean to me.  When I think of Mother's Day I think of
you because to me, you are the perfect Mom!  But you are more: you are my
bride, my love, my lover, and my best friend.  I would have never thought
that I could have loved you more than the first year I knew you, but I was
wrong.  My love is a mature love.  I am simply blown away by you!  Have a
happy Mother's Day.  I love you."  I pinned the message part of the card on
my bulletin board behind my computer.  It is one of my cherished
possessions.  Whenever I get to brooding over this last year, I look up at
my card; and I read the message again.  To me that message says that my
husband loves me dearly, and any problems we are having are just the result
of his damaged body.  It is just very hard to accept that he is never going
to be the same, even if he makes some recovery.  He said after the surgery
that he had lost his sexuality; in fact, some of the other men that he works
with have had rp surgery and they refer to themselves as eunuchs(castrated
human males).  After my husband's surgery they said, "Welcome to the land of
the eunuchs!" to him.  As a wife it is very depressing to see all of these
physical and emotional  things happening to your man, and not know what to
do.

Before my husband's surgery he said that he thought that the surgery would
leave him an old man. I think that that may be part of his fascination with
the motorcycles.  He rode them when he was young, and they probably make him
feel like he isn't an old man.

Susan, I liked what you said about "giving him time" to accept some of these
things.  I had sort of realize that I had to back off even if it meant that
there would be no intimacy between us.   Friday night he brought up the idea
to spend some time together, so I am hopeful that occasionally he will bring
it up.  Either way I am resolved to "give him time".  It is easier said than
done though.  After the surgery the only guidance that my husband's surgeon
gave us about the intimacy thing was for him to take a Viagra about once a
week, and see what happened.  Well, nothing happened, and every time that we
tried it was so discouraging and frustrating.  I think in some ways the
situation was easier for my husband, because now I am obviously more
sexually driven than he is.  The Viagra does work a little now.

By the way, Susan, when you say that your way of loving is physical contact
are you referring to the book Five Love Languages?  I have read that book,
and I at once thought that you probably are referring to the principals he
presents in that book.

Best wishes,

Rose