Hello John,
I'm very sorry to hear about your Mom,

mine died about your mother's same age of probably the same cancer.
Long before that, due to her chronic pain, I had similar thoughts, so I spent
quite a bit of time researching pain issues and yes, followed kevorkian
events.

Mom kept plugging on as best she could until she was suddenly diagnosed with
lung cancer and died very shortly after, in hospital with no treatments
whatsoever. (no time, too advanced, too sick, perhaps she and/or my Dad, made
a hasty decision, I don't fault either of them one bit).
They made the best decision for everyone or the cancer made the decision. I
know how hard it is being so far away, I was also and could not keep flying
out monthly or bi-monthly ..had responsibilities back home.  I do wish that
I'd been there when she was diagnosed but it would have been impossible to
stay there the 5 weeks that she was in hospital before she died.  So 19 years
later, I still agonize about having been so far away, it's so hard in such
situations.

And it's our mom's (dammit)..they brought us into this life and took our
pains away all our lives. We so much want them not to suffer and it's such a
feeling of powerlessness..

It's difficult for us to do any predicting for you. A good palliative care
nurse should be able to keep you somewhat updated based on signs and
symptoms.  So if she's in hospice, do have someone you or a relative get to
know their names, perhaps the head nurse on her ward and keep in close touch
with that person and ask the right questions. Sometimes they don't offer
their opinions unless directly asked.

No looking back now, you all did what you thought was best and as with any
human, she had the power to say "stop" or "no".  And there's nothing you can
do, to change the past.  So look forward to what you can change for the
present.
Is there family and friends near her? You mentioned "us".
Is she in hospice? (I see "nursing home" as different from "hospice")

As far as I know, when Mom died, she had some oxygen and pain meds, so she
slipped gently away.
If something more aggressive is being done for your mother, these are perhaps
things that can be changed if/once in hospice care, so do let us know more
details.

Post anytime, we'll be reading and caring.
( ( ( John) ) )
J

John...
I lost my grandma just shortly after her 73rd birthday. She too had small
cell lung cancer. I'd worked on the oncology unit with our VA hospital for a
while and grandma had asked me what she had to "look forward to" with her
cancer. I had to tell her. I tried to sugar coat it a little but she told me
not to, she wanted it straight and truthful. I told her what she had to look
forward to.... the chemo, the radiation, the endless trips to the bathroom
to throw up, the loss of hair, the feeling of weakness... the pain.... now,
grandma had a secondary diagnosis of bone cancer and congestive heart
failure. in the end, it was her heart that gave out. But as far as the
cancer went.... as soon as the docs found tumors in her brain, they
suggested radiation therapy. she went for it. At one point she said to me,
"Kath, when do you suppose I should just call it quits?" and so I answered,
"when you feel it's time. this is a very important decision. You have to be
1000% sure it's something you want to do." then she asked what could happen.
I told her that the tumors will continue to grow, she will have pain, she
may begin to lose some motor functions, she may have horrendous headaches
(worse than when she had her strokes) and she'll feel weak and may end up on
pain meds so strong that she'll sleep at least 20 hours a day. She was quiet
and then said, "thank you." and we talked a little more and before we hung
up, she told me that she would tell her doctor to stop treatment on
Monday... we spoke on Sunday, my cousin had just died on Thursday and they
had a memorial for him on Saturday. I'll never forget this because it was
right around the time I found this group. I asked exactly the same questions
you're asking now.... I was scared, angry.... I was sad..... very very
sad.... within about 2 weeks of stopping treatment, she became incoherent,
was put in pain meds strong enough to kill an elephant, her oxygen tank was
set on well above 8, gradually she slipped away from us and during that 2
week slide, I wished, begged and prayed for her to die. I'd hear her cry out
in pain... at one point, while my mom and I were talking, my grandma's jaw
locked. I told mom to get the nurse and have the nurse ask grandma if there
was pain. Grandma nodded but it wasn't clear so the nurse got the order from
the doctor to give pain meds regularly.... once the meds took effect,
grandma's jaw unlocked. I can't tell you how terrible I felt hearing this
over the phone.... 500 miles away..... I was angry with the doctors for not
helping her to die quickly. At the time, all I kept muttering was "Dr.
Kevorkian had the right idea.... he was merciful!" I walked around in a
fog.... it got heavier and heavier as each day wore on.... I felt this odd
ache in my heart for her. eventually, the meds went from being given every 4
hours to every 2, then one and then as needed for pain, up to every 15
minutes for comfort. She was on Xanax for anxiety.... she knew the end was
coming soon but the pain made her anxious. When the end finally did come,
she embraced it. my mom told me that when they were alone in the room on
April 10, 2003, just after grampa went for breakfast with my uncle and 2
aunts.... my mom held grandma's hand and said, "mom, I know you want to go
to the light. I can see the peace on your face. Go to it. Go meet God."
quiet, peaceful..... that was it... she was free.... at peace.... mom even
described the expression on my grandma's face.... she had a quiet smile on
her face....a "knowing" smile that all was fine.
John, I know that it was only my grandma who I lost.... she was like a mom
to me.... she was my best friend.... she knew how to make me feel better,
she knew what to say to help, she even knew what not to say.... she always
had a joke, a silly remark.... always love. I have a few friends...... 2
only met my grandma once, one actually worked for her and then my bf. my bf
met grandma about 4 times and he says that she always made him feel welcome
and a part of the family.... my 2 friends said that my grandma made them
feel welcome and put them at ease... the friend who worked for my
grandparents looked at them as if they were her grandparents. grampa would
always help set her straight when she came to him with a problem and when
she needed the grandmotherly help with whatever, grandma always held open
her arms. I admired that woman.... still do.
I'm sharing this with you because I walked that road not too long ago. The
only thing I can offer you is a hug.... and support.... and the only advice
I can give to you is to keep your mom's memory alive and never forget that
she'll live forever because she's a part of you. always and forever.
Sorry it got long.... Hang in there....

Hi John

I feel for you, my mother-in-law has small cell cancer lung cancer also.

Take care and Good Luck.
George

I guess my original didn't come through.... so I guess i'll repost by way of
cut and paste....

John...
I lost my grandma just shortly after her 73rd birthday. She too had small
cell lung cancer. I'd worked on the oncology unit with our VA hospital for a
while and grandma had asked me what she had to "look forward to" with her
cancer. I had to tell her. I tried to sugar coat it a little but she told me
not to, she wanted it straight and truthful. I told her what she had to look
forward to.... the chemo, the radiation, the endless trips to the bathroom
to throw up, the loss of hair, the feeling of weakness... the pain.... now,
grandma had a secondary diagnosis of bone cancer and congestive heart
failure. in the end, it was her heart that gave out. But as far as the
cancer went.... as soon as the docs found tumors in her brain, they
suggested radiation therapy. she went for it. At one point she said to me,
"Kath, when do you suppose I should just call it quits?" and so I answered,
"when you feel it's time. this is a very important decision. You have to be
1000% sure it's something you want to do." then she asked what could happen.
I told her that the tumors will continue to grow, she will have pain, she
may begin to lose some motor functions, she may have horrendous headaches
(worse than when she had her strokes) and she'll feel weak and may end up on
pain meds so strong that she'll sleep at least 20 hours a day. She was quiet
and then said, "thank you." and we talked a little more and before we hung
up, she told me that she would tell her doctor to stop treatment on
Monday... we spoke on Sunday, my cousin had just died on Thursday and they
had a memorial for him on Saturday. I'll never forget this because it was
right around the time I found this group. I asked exactly the same questions
you're asking now.... I was scared, angry.... I was sad..... very very
sad.... within about 2 weeks of stopping treatment, she became incoherent,
was put in pain meds strong enough to kill an elephant, her oxygen tank was
set on well above 8, gradually she slipped away from us and during that 2
week slide, I wished, begged and prayed for her to die. I'd hear her cry out
in pain... at one point, while my mom and I were talking, my grandma's jaw
locked. I told mom to get the nurse and have the nurse ask grandma if there
was pain. Grandma nodded but it wasn't clear so the nurse got the order from
the doctor to give pain meds regularly.... once the meds took effect,
grandma's jaw unlocked. I can't tell you how terrible I felt hearing this
over the phone.... 500 miles away..... I was angry with the doctors for not
helping her to die quickly. At the time, all I kept muttering was "Dr.
Kevorkian had the right idea.... he was merciful!" I walked around in a
fog.... it got heavier and heavier as each day wore on.... I felt this odd
ache in my heart for her. eventually, the meds went from being given every 4
hours to every 2, then one and then as needed for pain, up to every 15
minutes for comfort. She was on Xanax for anxiety.... she knew the end was
coming soon but the pain made her anxious. When the end finally did come,
she embraced it. my mom told me that when they were alone in the room on
April 10, 2003, just after grampa went for breakfast with my uncle and 2
aunts.... my mom held grandma's hand and said, "mom, I know you want to go
to the light. I can see the peace on your face. Go to it. Go meet God."
quiet, peaceful..... that was it... she was free.... at peace.... mom even
described the expression on my grandma's face.... she had a quiet smile on
her face....a "knowing" smile that all was fine.
John, I know that it was only my grandma who I lost.... she was like a mom
to me.... she was my best friend.... she knew how to make me feel better,
she knew what to say to help, she even knew what not to say.... she always
had a joke, a silly remark.... always love. I have a few friends...... 2
only met my grandma once, one actually worked for her and then my bf. my bf
met grandma about 4 times and he says that she always made him feel welcome
and a part of the family.... my 2 friends said that my grandma made them
feel welcome and put them at ease... the friend who worked for my
grandparents looked at them as if they were her grandparents. grampa would
always help set her straight when she came to him with a problem and when
she needed the grandmotherly help with whatever, grandma always held open
her arms. I admired that woman.... still do.
I'm sharing this with you because I walked that road not too long ago. The
only thing I can offer you is a hug.... and support.... and the only advice
I can give to you is to keep your mom's memory alive and never forget that
she'll live forever because she's a part of you. always and forever.
Sorry it got long.... Hang in there....