Hi Joe,  Sorry to hear about your wife's cancer and her condition.  And I am
also sorry to hear that the children and you have to experience this.  It is
hard for the caregiver.  Your depression and confusion are perfectly normal
feelings, under the circumstances.  I do not know how your hospice is run,
but where my summer home is, I have had a great deal of experience with
hospice.  They saved my life, I believe.  When my husband was ill and when
he passed away, they gave me the support that I needed to get through that
tough time.  They had support groups for caregivers and grief support
groups.  All of this was free of charge, which was a blessing to me.

I am now in my winter home in AZ, where my uncle is very active in hospice.
He volunteers his services taking people who are alone to appointments.  Of
course, he gets more involved than that, as most hospice volunteers do.  I
think that hospice volunteers should have a monument put up somewhere for
them.  They are a blessing.

--
Take Care,  Sharon Lane
http://www.rare-cancer.org

Hello Joe,

I have just read your message and my heart goes out to you.  There are a lot
of people on this NG that have been in similar situations to yourself and
are very willing to give you their support (I recently lost my husband to a
brain tumour and also have two young children).

Yes, it feels like Hell for you right now but your wife is in the right
place, hospice care is truly brilliant, the staff are amazing and will do
all that is possible for your wife as well as yourself and your two
children.  There will be a number of services available to you all from
their and once your initial emotions have stablised, please take full
advantage of them.

Do you have any other form of support ie. family close by that can also
offer you support?  This newsgroup is here for you Joe and we will help you
in any way that we can, you will go through a variety of emotions, steady
yourself with them, accept them and you will soon pass through them.

Hugs to you for now.

Alayne

Hello joe, I'm terribly sorry to hear about your wife, Michelle and the
other problems you've been experiencing.
I've not lost a partner to cancer but I try to make myself useful here to
others (patients or caregivers).
Caregiving is hard enough for the partner and especially given your wife's
prognosis and especially after Christmas.
Many people have depression so under your circumstances it's perfectly
understandable.

Xanax http://www.rxlist.com/cgi/generic/alpraz_cp.htm is a benzo that many
use to "fall asleep", it's an anti-anxiety and it says "Clinically, all
benzodiazepines cause a dose-related central nervous system depressant
activity varying from mild impairment of task performance to hypnosis".  I
know some people who take it during the day, but they don't have to be
functional and awake, because usually one is not supposed to drive and are
expected to go to bed soon after taking it. So if you're taking some of
those during the day, no wonder you're tired.

So perhaps the idea of taking two meds (the anti-anxiety at night) and
perhaps a low dose of antidepressant (in the a.m. and/or at night). Your
doctor may have some suggestions but everyone reacts differently so you'll
have to go with what he suggests and hope that it will be a good
combination for you.  I would guess that you don't want anything with too
much sedative effect, so you can wake up if you're needed during the
night, yet enough to help with the depression.

You are not alone joe, there's currently two female caregivers on this
newsgroup in similar situations. (perhaps even more reading but not
posting).  We've had numerous other male caregivers for their partners
too. (just not at the moment if I recall correctly or they're reading
only).

From time to time you may need a break too from the caregiving, so draw on
Church, friends, family to housesit while you either get a snooze or get
away for a bit.   Make lists of what might help you (in case any of them
offer). Let them know (ask) if you can use help but set your limits so
someone doesn't try to "take over" the household, yet you get some relief
from all the responsibilities which are currently on you.

Post anytime joe, we'll be here for you.
J

Hi Joe,

Take every day a moment at a time.  As for your wife, be there to love her
and let her know you will be there for your children when the time comes.  J
is right when he says there are a couple of us going through similiar
situations.  My boyfriend/common-law is currently in the palliative care
program.  At the moment, I am taking care of him at home.  It isn't easy by
any means, and it hurts everytime he has a bad day, hour or even moment.
It is hard for you to see her through this, please know that we understand
some of the things you are going through.  We will be here to help you
through this.  There are many people on here that truly care.
If you feel like crying, let it out, it is alright.  If your wife feels like
crying, be there with her, if she wants you too, and if you feel the need,
cry with her too.  It is alright.
As I said in a previous post, there are angels in this world who only appear
when our lives seem to be at their worst.  Your friends and church
parishoners seem to be those angels.  Draw from their strength, they will be
there to help.  Even if you need someone to take the children out for ice
cream on a particularily bad day for Michelle, ask someone for help.
If your wife is still able, and would like to try, there are organizations
that can help with a special trip for you, michelle and the girls.  This may
provide some time to make a few memories that can help the girls as well as
yourself through a time when Michelle is no longer there.  A little
searching is required but they are out there, even more so in the United
States.
One of the things a friend of our did was contact the Empire Theatre's.  Pat
wanted to go see lord of the rings, but because of his Oxygen and wires and
injections, he couldn't go to a regular veiwing.  our friend arranged a
private viewing courtesy of the theatre.  many places will help out.  If
there is someplace special you would like ot take Michelle, ask a friend to
do the leg work, and if Michelle agrees, give that friend permission to
disclose some of the personal information surrounding your situation.  Most
people have a heart, they will help in any way they can.

Here is one site that I have found.....
The Dream Foundation grants wishes to adults 18-

65 years of age whose life expectancy is one year or

less and whose limited resources leave them unable

to realize such dreams for themselves. Potential

recipients are encouraged to make realistic requests

that fulfill a wish from the heart. To request a

dream, potential recipients can complete a Dream

Request Form at www.dreamfoundation.org. To

receive an application by mail, call (805) 564-2131

or write to the Dream Foundation, 621 Chapala

Street, Suite D, Santa Barbara, CA 93101.

http://www.community.officedepot.com/docs/dfbroch.pdf

There is the website so you can  look up more information.  Take it one
moment at a time.  When things get rough, talk about your memories together,
and talk about your fears.  Michelle wants to be as supportive to you as you
are being to her.  As well, definetly talk to you doctor about those meds.
There are lots of different meds out there, he will be able to help you
through the pros and cons of them for your situation.  We will always be
here for listen.  Just let us know when you need us.

Salisha

Hi,
I just wanted to update everybody about my wife,Michelle.
After a few weeks of trying to talk her into going to the Hospice
Center to get her pain under control,she agreed to go last night.
Her left leg has had a lot of pain and then her right leg gave out and
she fell down.Yesterday she had to slide down the steps when she woke
up in the morning.I told her she had to go because the kids and I love
her too much to see her in that condition.She said ok,and within a few
hours they had a bed ready for her.
Its called the Kobacker House.Its more like a nice hotel than a
hospital.
Once she was there she seemed to be at ease.

Before she was with Hospice,her oncologist prescibed Methadone.It was
working good until she had her last chemo treatment.Then her
oncologist prescribed OxyContin.Up until yesterday,she was taking 6-
80mg tablets a day and Dilaudid for break through pain.She was still
having a level 6 pain.
Today they switched back to Methadone and they feel confident that
after they find out what the right dose is in the next 48 hours she
will feel much better.
They also want to increase the Neorontin and Elevil.
She has a new doctor that is with Hospice and he asked if she ever
took steroids to help shrink the tumors.The only time she did was the
night before her chemo treatments and a couple days after.He seemed
bothered by the fact that all the other pain management doctors and
oncologists never tried them for a longer period of time.He didnt say
at this time he would try them.
The lady from Hospice,that helps with the children was at the house
today.She paints with the kids and other art projects.I talked with
her for a while before she left.I said,Michelle never gets depressed
or scared.Its all I can do sometimes to keep from breaking down or
"freaking out'.
She said Michelle has talked to her about death and leaving a husband
and two small daughters.She just wants to be able to enjoy the time
she has left.Michelle mentiond that she might want to video tape her
wishing the kids a happy birthday for every year until they turn
18.The nurse said she would do it with Michelle to make it easier for
me and that I could look forward to seeing them also.

Thanks,
Joe