Seems to me that the more you loved someone, the more trivial the date or
event or memory that's needed to trigger thoughts about that loved one.
Time lessens the sadness but doesn't necessarily stop the remembrance.
For me it's just another one of those deal-with-it aspects of life.
Besides, sometimes those memories are funny or just plain happy, maybe
more so as time passes.

Belle Gin said...

I've mainly been OK on significant dates, mainly because I never know
what the date is from one day to the next and because I'm not the sort
of person to get concerned over them.  That said...

The first Christmas without my father was truly ghastly because mother
and I had so many invitations to lunch!  No one would normally have
asked us (I don't come from a large family) so it made it seem rather
'false' and although my mother took a friend of hers up on the
invitation ("of course, you must bring Emily with you") I knew full well
that I was only invited out of courtesy and I didn't really want to go
anywhere anyway, so I declined.  It was certainly an odd and lonely
experience spending Christmas day on my own for the first time.  I've
done it since, and enjoyed it, but then it just emphasised the feeling
of loss.

The first anniversary of my father's death was the only time I really
went to pieces and sat in the dark with a bottle of whisky and a bottle
of paracetamol.  Thankfully I had the presence of mind to "phone a
friend" <g> and said friend came straight over and gave me a darned good
talking to.

Since then, days have come and gone, and they've done so largely
unnoticed.  My father died about a month before my parents' silver
wedding, and it would have been their golden wedding last year.  I was
more than a little put out when my mother complained that "no one
remembered".  I had remembered, but what did she want, "happy non-50th
wedding anniversary"?  Somehow it didn't seem appropriate to mention it,
so I didn't.  In any case, she's remarried, and will be celebrating
another silver anniversary in a couple of years' time.  That's the one
I'm not looking forward to, to be honest, because in my mind it should
be my father sharing it with her, not the current incumbent.

I think everyone has their own ways of commemorating things.  In my own
case, as I've already said, I don't bother and I don't notice the dates.  
On the other hand I have a friend who remembers every single 'bad'
anniversary and gets terribly morbid every time.  This is extremely
wearing, especially when she's crying over someone's death from 20 years
ago.  (Which she has been known to do).  Somewhere in between these two
extremes is a healthy middle ground, where anniversaries are remembered
and acknowledged but not 'maudled' over for hours on end.  You may well
find this first year tough, but hopefully it will get easier as time
goes on.

Hope that's of some help

Hi Belle,

I'm going to use the ole cliche that "time is a great healer".  I lost my
Tony three years ago which means that a reasonable amount of time has past
and I've been through a lot of the grieving stages.

I've not always dealt with dates so light-heartedly.  During the first year,
I absolutely hated the 28th of any month; too many things happened on the
28th (first seizure, admittance to hospital; and death).  The trouble was I
think that I sub-conciously set myself up to be sad for these days.  The
date approaching made me remember too well the bad times.  Also the "firsts"
in that the first christmas, his first birthday, our anniversary and so on.
But as time went on and things became the "second" I had also made memories
of things that I had done differently.  In fact I tried very hard to make
sure that I did something different to distract me from the date.

By the third year, I seem to have moved on even more.  I remember Tony each
and every day, sometimes just in a small way, but my memories of him are now
of happier times.  I am more able to focus on the good times that we shared
rather than focusing on his illness and all the sadness that it brought.

We all find our own way.  But given the right circumstances I truly believe
that celebrating a life rather than mourning a death is the way to go, it
would certainly be what our loved ones would want.  But it does depend on
what sort of person you are and sometimes the release of a good many tears
is very healthy.

Hugs to you Belle, you'll find your own way and cope.

Alayne