How to Thrive, Not Just Survive, in the Caregiving Season

-Amy C. Baker

Your friend’s mom falls. A co-worker’s father has a stroke. You watch your
aunt slip into the abyss of Alzheimer’s and wonder, “What if that was my
mom or dad?” Out of the corner of your eye you see your boisterous and
busy kids, a stack of bills or briefcase full of work and wonder again,
“How will I manage all this?” Before you know it, that phone call comes
and you’re in that season -- the season of caregiving.

It is an unavoidable stage for many. A growing number of Americans have
delayed having kids until their 30s or 40s, ensuring that those tots will
be younger when their grandparents reach those challenging, senior years.
More and more women are working, both inside and outside the home, both
full-time and part-time, and trying to hold together marriages marked by
busy-ness and little time for a date out, much less true intimacy. It is
to these women that the primary role of caregiving often falls. Finally,
more families are flung throughout the country, with more than just a
county separating them. The long-distance issue makes parent eldercare
even more difficult.

A stunning number of us have found ourselves in this caregiver role – and
many of us are destined to repeat the role again and again for other loved
ones. Are there ways to deal effectively with what we’re doing now and
prepare for any repeat role? Are there steps we can take to ensure that
this stage, although not easy, is at least smoother than it otherwise
might be?

The answer is yes, and the need is imperative. Here are just a few tips to
get your heart, soul and lifestyle ready for that day when mom or dad
needs extra care.

First, get a grip on your own psyche. Was your relationship with dad
marked by feelings of abandonment or outright abuse? Did you and your mom
elevate mother-daughter tiffs to an Olympic level? You know yourself that
parenting isn’t an easy job, and many of us grew up with people who loved
us but didn’t know how to show it at best, or failed us in some way,
usually due to the way they themselves were raised.

It’s time to get emotionally healthy and deal with the family-of-origin
baggage we’ve hauled around all our lives. It is impossible to fulfill the
role of caregiver when we are carrying resentment and bitterness from our
formative years. There may be no doubt that our relationship with one or
both parents was marked by pain and disappointment, but there’s also no
doubt the negative impact it has on us to nurse those wounds well into
adulthood.

Get some counseling. Join a support group. Talk to a friend. Keep a
journal. Ask for help at your church, synagogue or mosque. You’ll need all
the emotional wherewithal you can possibly muster when the call comes from
the doctor or emergency room with life-changing news about your parent.

Next, have the difficult conversations early on. Find out what your
parent’s wishes are regarding end of life care, financial matters, and who
gets Great Aunt Mabel’s pearls. Most of us are terrified to bring up these
issues when our parents aren’t even sick or just beginning to show signs
of aging, but the important thing to remember is that we want them to make
decisions while they are still in control. As their adult children, we
don’t want to be left guessing what their desires would have been when the
time comes that they can’t engage in decision making.

One of the most important and personal decisions has to do with who will
provide for their physical and medical care when they get to the point
they are no longer safe on their own. Many of you reading this are already
in the midst of this quandary. Thankfully, there are a myriad of choices
today from retirement communities to assisted living facilities with
stepped up care options. They can start out with minimal assistance and
shift up to higher level care when it becomes necessary -- and not have to
make a big move. You may already have made this first step out of the
family homestead. Now you’re wondering about the next move.

Many families are faced with the question of whether to transition mom or
dad in to their own already crowded household. Sometimes we assume our
parent or parents would want to live with us when in reality they’d prefer
the peace, quiet and companionship within a community of their peers. Have
this discussion before the situation reaches a crisis level and their
current situation no longer meets their needs.

Lest you think this is all about depressing, heavy matters, consider this.
It’s also a great season of life to chronicle your family’s history.
Videotape mom telling you how she and dad met. Dig out the family photo
album and start asking questions. Find out from your dad what it was like
serving our country in the war. Your parents are sources of not just
family but community and national history as well. These are important
stories to pass along to future generations.

The added benefit of exploring and preserving these memories? You get to
see your parents from a broader perspective -- the whole of a life
well-lived, not just the end stage you feel stuck in. That stage that is
messy and uncomfortable and scary. When faced with the pressure and
endless stress of caregiving, these reminders of legacy and history are
important to help us keep our sanity, and our family’s story alive.

Finally, there’s the issue of you. How do you care for yourself so that
you can take care of them? The uncared-for caregiver is no help to anyone.
Not only will your ability to care for your parent suffer, but your
ability to be a good parent, spouse or employee will as well. If you are
the primary caregiver, find out about respite care and adult day care
services in your area. Your community agency on the aging (every community
has one) is a great resource to learn about what is available. You will
need time away and time off -- guilt free -- to recharge your batteries
and relax.

What reenergizes you? Is it a quiet hour in the bookstore wandering the
aisles with a cup of coffee? Is it a walk or jog in the park with your
dog? A “Calgon” moment surrounded by candles and quiet music? A tough
tennis match with your business partner? Whatever it is, take time weekly
to get away and get your mind and heart healthy, at least temporarily! All
those people who say, “Hey, anytime we can help, just let us know!”? Well,
it’s time to call in the favors so you can get away.

The season of caregiving is trying. It is difficult. But with some advance
as well as in-the-trenches planning, some important groundwork covered, it
can be managed well. It can even be a time where your relationship with
your parents grows to a new level, and you experience fulfillment as an
adult child that you never expected. It can be a season of growth, not
just trials and tribulation, but the planning, and self-care must occur.
Take the initiative now. Thrive, don’t just survive.

Amy C. Baker is the author of “Slow Dancing at Death’s Door: Helping Your
Parent Through the Last Stages of Life,” a personal, practical and
inspirational book to help you help your parents through their final
stages of life.