As the one with cancer here, I do know that I prefer my partner to
share his feelings and pains and concerns. The same goes for the rest
of my family. I'm not the only one in this and it sometimes helps to
take my mind off of my illness and put it to better use, helping
others. :-)

Believe me, no problem is trivial. They are all important and deserve
attention. I've told my kids to tell me their lifes wowes as that is
what I'm there for as their mom, to talk to and support them. They feel
like my illness should stop them from doing that but that's not the
case. I want them to continue to be my kids and me, their mom.

So maybe you do need to share some of the feelings and things going on,
even a little. If you can't share them with your spouse be sure to
share them with someone, don't hold them in.

hugs
Penny

Ian, yes it is.  And there are issues other than cancer to be dealt with.  
When she feels up to it, why not let her help with some?  Might take her
mind off the cancer.

Pam, Rob's been sick for a long time.  I'm not quite sure of his present
state.  Would he be able to go visit a relative or friend for a few days to
a week to give you some alone-time (maybe send daughter with him or
somewhere else for the same time)?  That would give you a short break from
the day-to-day reponsibilities & maybe you could have some quality rest &
relaxation.  All care-givers deserve respite & you sound overdue, my
friend.

Our friends were always wanting to know what they could do & I had a hard
time thinking of anything, altho I'd get bone tired & frazzled at times.  
It always seemed I could fit things in &, especially since most friends
don't live very close, it seemed silly to ask them to run our errands. Some
did help with the chemo transportation so I could work.  If you have such
people nearby, maybe they could run the occasional errand. Might his
friends take him to a baseball game or something he enjoys & time it so you
can have the house to yourself?

Do you have a caregiver support group?  That helped me for awhile.  There
came a time, though, when I gave up a lot - including support group -  just
to have time for sleep.  

It's a hard line to walk.  I wanted Socks to know everything I did was out
of love & tried to minimize the stress & strain.  But sometimes it was just
too much. Socks liked for me to go out with my friends occasionally & that
did help. That & the social things we did together.  

One thing that helped was simplifying food.  And Socks liked to cook for
us, which was nice. Grilling is fast with minimal cleanup & we grill
vegetables as well as meat. We'd get a rotesserie chicken from which I
could make a huge variety of meals very quickly. I still do that - what a
time-saver & the meals can be very different.  Socks especially liked
enchiladas, so we'd have fun with an assembly line & have many meals in the
freezer.    

Are there things he can do to help with the load?  I guess it depends upon
the person & current abilities.  Having responsibilitie & solving problems
actually helped Sock's outlook.  Otherwise, I think he would have felt
himself just a burden, useless. Sometimes just having him go through the
mail, open everything, put the 'to be paid' in a clip, periodicals at
chairside,  & throw out the obvious junk was a tremendous help. Then he
called the junk mail people & got off their lists. Yea!  The mail
overwhelms me. Could Rob handle things like that?  Or pack everyone's
lunch?  Or keep the trash emptied?  Make the phone calls where you're going
to be on 'hold' forever?  Socks drank tons of diet coke, so we made his job
to find out who had the best price that week.  Ditto milk & ice cream.  All
from Wednesday paper.

Check with your insurance/doctor & see if either/both are covered.  He
might prefer to stay in a normal bed with the rails.  However, the
adjustable features of the hospital bed along with the 'sleep number' type
mattress were nice when the time came.  Still, Socks would want to come up
to our bedroom most nights & just use the hospital bed during the day.  You
can't have him hurting himself.  Would it work to temporarily turn around
head & foot to get his head away from stands?

You may have to let go of your housekeeping standards & get set up for
convenience.  I've never liked plastic glasses except for yard, but what a
difference it made when we got a huge stack of them for him & guests!  He
drank so much milk that we'd run out of glasses.  His aunt noticed/solved
that problem.  Just notice what sends you close to the edge & see if you
can think of a way to delegate/simplify/eliminate.

Hopefully, you'll have a quiet period, but you can always vent here!

(((Ian))) (((Pam)))
Fig, remembering how hard it sometimes was

First, Pam, I'd find an agency that has emotional support for the
families of cancer patients. Try Cancer Care or the American Cancer
Society.

I've been on both sides. When I married DH 20+ years ago I knew he was
Diabetic and had had a double by-pass at age 40. He's chronically ill,
though he looks great and we both expend a lot of effort on keeping him
healthy. I lived through a second and third heart attack with him, a
"re-do" of the bypass surgery where they did three, a bout of
diverticulitis that had him in two hospitals and needing 6 pints of
blood, an arythmia that has him on warfarin and digoxin, as if he didn't
have enough problems.

There have been times when I wished he could eat stuff like "normal
people." I love to bake but baked goods aren't on his agenda so I bake
for our congregation when I can. I've learned how to cook low-carb,
low-fat and low-sodium. I've had to make changes in the amount of green
stuff we eat. I have never served myself one meal and him another. We
always eat the same and I eat what he can.

Every meal he eats, I calculate his carb content for him. I do this at
home and in restaurants. It took a lot of study to be able to learn the
carb contents of most foods. I did it because I love him.

Is it frustrating? You bet it is! I love this  man with all my heart and
would not hesitate to make further changes if I had to so that he could
be happy and healthy. Has his chronic illness been hard on me? Of
course! I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say it was a PITA to have to
lug his glucose meter in my purse. I used to lug the insulin kit but now
that he's on the pump, I only lug the emergency insulin pens when we are
going to be gone from home or the RV for a while.

We used to love hiking and taking long walks. We can't do that anymore
because he has congestive heart failure and can't negotiate any
inclines. At times, during our travels, he has sent me off to explore
and waited patiently for me to come back.

Now I have cancer. The world has turned upside down. He's been the
care-giver and I've been the sick one for the first time in our married
life. Even with my being sick, I still worry about his health and make
sure he's getting the proper foods.

I count his carbs and check his log book. He holds me and comforts me.
He rubs my back and brings me a tissue when I cry. I find myself
apologizing to him for getting sick and he looks at me, incredulous, and
says: "you have always taken such good care of me, I am honored to be
able to return that care to you."

Janet