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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Cancer / March 2006What do you say?
Hi Everyone, Very short question, not simple, nor easy... I have a relative, that will be dying soon, in the next few days of Lung Cancer, which has spread. He has not come to terms with his illness yet, and believes with all his heart the doctors are wrong. Everyone keeps telling him that he better get his affairs in order, and tell him he doesn't have long, and that he is terminal. I truly don't know what to do... Keep his hopes up and tell him, "yes, you will get better", and support him, or tell him the Dr.'s aren't wrong? The truth or lie? I don't know and it is tearing me apart! What is everyone's opinion? What would I want when faced with this? I can't honestly say one way or the other until I was faced with it. I am not a troll and this is a serious question. Thank you everyone, truly for any words of support! Doug > Hi Everyone, > [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > > Doug In the end, the truth is all you have. The sooner everyone grasps it the better. Given a choice between truth and fairy tale, those who grasp the fairy tale will ultimately get the truth. > Hi Everyone, > [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > > Doug Doug, I am very sorry you are dealing with this. Is a hospice involved? They have social workers & chaplains who can help. Even if your relative isn't religious, he may need professional help to ready himself for the journey to come. If no hospice, most hospitals & churches can help & may even come to the home. http://crossingthecreek.com/ I ordered these very helpful books, recommended by someone on this group. They are not very expensive. When you order, if you email a message, the material will be made available to you online until the books arrive. They will give you a very good idea of what to expect. My husband worked with a psychologist weekly for 4.5 years before he died. We were shocked when he told us a few weeks before death that he feared death & had not prepared. So the hospice & chaplain, as well as our personal minister sprang into action & gave him everything he needed to become peaceful & accepting toward death. It's harder when the person is in denial. Please investigate the resources available to you & let us know what you find. You may not be able to do this alone & there's no need to. There is help for you. Best, Figgertoes > Hi Everyone, > [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > > Doug Hello Doug, You're right, it's neither simple nor easy knowing what to say and I'm afraid that only you will really know what's best as you will know your relative better than us here. I lost my hubby to a brain tumour 2 1/2 yrs ago and although we truly had an honest relationship with each other, the one thing that we never discussed was that he was dying. At the beginning of his illness we dealt with it as a "some point" issue and even went as far as organising his living will. But when he went into hospice I think that it was a topic that neither of us really wanted to face. It's denial but it's also a strong emotion. Your relative may underneath be coming to terms with it but just be desperately trying to hang on in there. It's a tough one, I am a strong believer in honesty but I think you have to go with your gut reaction. Warm Hugs Alayne > I have a relative, that will be dying soon, in the next few days of Lung > Cancer, which has spread. He has not come to terms with his illness yet, [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > What is everyone's opinion? What would I want when faced with this? I > can't honestly say one way or the other until I was faced with it. (I'm writing this in case he has longer than a few days or in case it's helpful to others lurking). A gentle pat on the knee or arm (to get attention) and saying "You've meant the world to me; I'll miss you when you're gone." - can sometimes be a topic opener... (is what I usually suggest that one relative say (in privacy, when no one else is interrupting or distracting). It could be when he's sitting in front of TV or at a quiet meal, at home or away, a bench in the backyard, a quiet talk, while on the patio, listening to his favorite music... (away from distractions). But since you think he's only got a few days, hospiice or a chaplain or social worker is probably best (at least, to help get his affairs in order). Be there, if (and when) you can and it's permitted, when he's passing away. If he's talking, listen. Reassure that he will be kept comfortable. Reassure that you will be okay. (even if you don't feel that is so). The hearing (they say) is usually the last to go. Tell him what he's meant to you and others; comforting things. Take him back (by recounting), through past happy memories of people and things he loved to do and places he's seen, accomplishments, grandchildren etc Hold his hand, you might feel a slight squeeze meaning he's hearing you. Leave some silent times as well, in between talking; be there if you're able. If hospice is involved, they and the immediate family will take care of this; so be of support to them. I'm sorry about your relative. J Maybe he has come to terms with it in his own way. He is not interested in putting things in order. Why would he be? The order of things is for those left behind. Right now he is the focus for himself. If everyone keeps telling him he is terminal and keeps pushing the affairs in order bit, it must be horrible for him. If he is not stupid to the Nth degree he knows. What you should do is love him, and support whatever position he takes. That is all you have to give him now. Love support and seeing that he is as comfortable as possible. Blessings. Enjoy today - it is all we have. Everyone pretty much, it seems, feels about the same way I do. Some say "The truth is the way", and other say, "support him in whatever he thinks". Honestly, I think that on some level, he KNOWS what is coming, but just fails to acknowledge it, because he's not ready. For now we just keep telling him what he wants to hear, and support what he thinks. We tell him that with all the modern medicine out there, it's gonna be alright. But we don't act on his request of wanting to go to a different hospital though, for he swears this hospital is poisoning him and making him weaker. We just tell him that it takes time for transfers and were trying. I can't help but think this is somehow wrong but how can I be against him at this time of need?? How can I join the masses in telling him the truth? I've never had to deal with someone denying the truth at this time, although my experience with death is limited. I just can't seem to bring myself to say what I think right now, and I feel so horrible, confused, hurt, angry, all the above. Hospice is involved btw, but once again, he is refusing to accept any of this, and gets himself worked up in a tirade now when people come in the room, as much as he's able that is. I just wish he would accept this and know that I did not betray him in the end, cause this would be hard for me to live with, a nagging question for the rest of my life, "Did I do the right thing?". I HATE this part of life! None the less, thank you everyone for your words of encouragement and support and I really appreciate your time!! Doug > Maybe he has come to terms with it in his own way. > He is not interested in putting things in order. Why would he be? The [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > is as comfortable as possible. > Blessings. Enjoy today - it is all we have. > Hospice is involved btw, but once again, he is refusing to accept any > of this, and gets himself worked up in a tirade now when people come > in the room, as much as he's able that is. Doug, The professionals will not take offense to your father's behavior. They've seen it all before. It may be important for him to know they are available to him when & if he needs them. I, too believe in telling the truth, but that belief as never been tested with a sick person. Since you have hospice people involved, they are there to support you too. Since they know you & your relative (I'm assuming), ask for their advice. And try not to beat yourself up. I certainly did things I wish I had done differently in retrospect. You're human & you care. Those are the important parts. I wish you well. I wish you peace. Fig I do not understand the responses about telling the truth. From reading your posts, it appears you have told him the truth. What he does with it is his business. You know the man. Would it be possible that he really has accepted this deep down. And that all this refusal for additional help is a sign of this. He knows you have not betrayed him. He loves you. The illness changes people. You see this in his tirades and his lack of logic. As I said before, just be there for him. I would not tell him everything will be all right, because it won't. I would see that he is comfortable. Warm enough, too warm, thirsty, dry lips, sore mouth....watch for anything that would cause discomfort and make sure it is taken care of. In these days of nursing shortages, there is a pretty heavy case load for each, and the family memember must be a strong advocate and even helper. Both with my Mother years and years ago, and last fall with Franzi, I told him. "If this is too much and you want to go, you can. I am OK. I will be OK. You are part of me. You will always be in my heart. You are my love and my better half. And I know we will be together again." And both times within 12 hours they were at peace - gone. Maybe instead of telling your Dad it will be all right, you should make it easier for him, and let him go. It will take strength and courage on your part. And the aftermath brings illogical second thoughts. But I am sure I did the right thing for him. What >Hi Everyone, > [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > >Doug Doug, I'm sorry you have to go through this. Asking the question shows you care and want to do what's best. What I said to my dad was, "I can't imagine how bad you feel. Please try not to feel bad about *feeling bad*." I remember saying, "Dad, this is a really bad kind of cancer. Sometimes you just have to do what the doctor tells you to do." [He had leiomyosarcoma -- liver, lung, bone.] I remember saying, "It's hard to see you like this. This must be the hardest thing you've ever done." I also remember the times he wanted to just talk about whatever was in the sports news. Maybe the kindest things we ever do for each other regardless of state of sicknes or health is just to share some time -- without making a big judgmental case out of anything. Peace, -- Daniel deltaechomike@usa.net DZappyNOSPAM@hotmail.com said... > I truly don't know what to do... Keep his hopes up and tell him, "yes, you > will get better", and support him, or tell him the Dr.'s aren't wrong? The > truth or lie? I don't know and it is tearing me apart! > > What is everyone's opinion? What would I want when faced with this? I > can't honestly say one way or the other until I was faced with it. Personally I would always advocate telling the truth, no matter how painful. If you can be gentle but persuasive...? You know him better than we do of course, but in my opinion (which might be wrong but it's the way I feel) he should be told the truth in no uncertain terms in order that he can start to deal with it and acknowledge his own mortality. It's not easy though, is it. {{{{{hugs}}}}}  SignatureEmily |
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