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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Cancer / February 2006Maybe too much off-topic but I don't know where else to turn
This is extremely embarrassing, but maybe just sharing it will help, and I hope people out there can be of some help to me. Is it true that old flames never die? This seems to be the case for me. This IS cancer-related... please hold on. I am in my late 50s now. Back in my high school years, I dated several girls for short periods of time, never getting intimate with any of them. Then when I was in the military and 19 I fell really, really hard for a girl (I'll call her "X" for ex) a few years older than me. For me it really was a love at first sight kind of thing. We carried on a romance over the months and while on leave we had a lot of very good times together, but again, no intimacy. (I was very shy and she was from a very religious family.) After 4 months of romancing her, I had to go overseas for 15 months and during that time she wrote me frequently until the final months when her letters began to come fewer. She never actually said or wrote "I love you," but would often sign her letters "Love..." and put SWAK on the envelopes. However I was much more forthright. I did love her and was looking very much forward to see her again after a long wait. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. When I came back from overseas, we began seeing each other again but after 3 or 4 months, she began getting off-standish and before long I learned she was dating other guys. Her siblings and parents were very much in favor of me and tried to convince her that it was "God's will" that I marry her.That was my wish too and I suggested it several times. I was stationed 4 hours away in the military and so I tried to keep the relationship going but it was becoming a lost cause. Several times we came close to being intimate, and she seemed willing (which surprised me) but I wanted to "save myself" (really!) for her on our wedding day and backed off before my hormones took me completely over (I had become religious over the months too). Well, finally it was apparent that I would never be able to continue the relationship so I gave up the chase. Not long afterwards I learned that she had mothered a child out of wedlock. She never did get married and remains single 'til this day. Soon afterwards I met another girl (I'll call her "G" for gold) near my military base who was younger, prettier, religious and very much interested in me. I fell in love with her too, but gradually and not at the intensity of X. We dated and after 8 months got engaged. It was a good marriage from the start. I love my wife deeply, we have great kids and wonderful grandkids and I have absolutely no regrets. OK. What's the problem? Well, about 15 years into my marriage I began obsessing over X. Soon I was thinking of her almost daily. I would fantasize about what would have happened had she returned my love. Listening to oldies music brought back fond memories. I would drive to our old haunts and just sit there reminiscing. About 20 years after my break-up with X, I bumped into her in my home town and we chatted and actually had dinner together at her mom's. BTW, my wife G even approved of this beforehand! My heart was pounding in my chest all the while. Now here's where I ask your advice. I continue to think about X very often. I have been diagnosed with terminal cancer, about 4 months left according to my docs. I'm going crazy worrying that on my death-bed I will be thinking about X instead of G. This is paralyzing my final months. G has been the ideal wife. I couldn't have found a better soulmate. But I wish I could see X just one more time to talk with her. Am I crazy? Should I confess to my wife? Should I seek out X? Should I seek out a shrink? Get medication? Or what? Is this a freaky story or what...? I searched the other groups trying to find romance or relationship newsgroup but they turned out to be mostly porno messages. I couldn't find a relationship blog on the internet either. That's why I'm here. I browsed the messages and everybody here seems to care about each other. If you think this is too off-topic I'll sign off. Thanks. > Now here's where I ask your advice. I continue to think about X very > often. I have been diagnosed with terminal cancer, about 4 months left [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > Am I crazy? Should I confess to my wife? Should I seek out X? Should I > seek out a shrink? Get medication? Or what? My hunch is that this is not uncommon behavior for guys as we get older. I'm in my mid sixties, and for the past few years I find myself wondering what happened to girls I dated in my twenties, before I married my current wife. I've even done some online searches for these old flames. But I'd never do anything to hurt my relationship with my current wife. Whatever you do about this should be done with your wife's approval, as you don't want to ruin her memory of you.  SignatureJohn Richards > My hunch is that this is not uncommon behavior for guys as we get older. Women can get nostalgic as well. > I'm in my mid sixties, and for the past few years I find myself wondering > what happened to girls I dated in my twenties, before I married my current > wife. I've even done some online searches for these old flames. > But I'd never do anything to hurt my relationship with my current > wife. Whatever you do about this should be done with your wife's approval, > as you don't want to ruin her memory of you. Hello John, Surely you're not suggesting that he ask his wife for approval to go have sex with his high-school infatuation? Or are you? It's hard to know how each person would react. One might think "well, he's dying so let him do whatever he wants". Another might think "well, sex hasn't been that good lately anyway" so he might as well try elsewhere. Or "hit the road and don't come back anymore" Or anywhere in between, including interested in 3 -somes. I think this is one situation, where I must remember not to sign off by saying "let us know how it goes" <g> at least, not in graphic detail. J >> My hunch is that this is not uncommon behavior for guys as we get older. > [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > infatuation? > Or are you? No, my understanding was that Dusterman just wanted to talk to the woman in a face-to-face meeting. I don't approve of the concept that "anything goes" just because he's dying soon. SignatureJohn Richards > This is extremely embarrassing, but maybe just sharing it will help, > and I hope people out there can be of some help to me. [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > > Thanks. Sounds like a tricky one. It's true that they say you never forget your first love, but watch that the fantasy doesn't ruin the reality. It maybe that you are trying to get your life in order but please remember the wife that has stood by your side through thick and thin. Hugs Alayne > I am in my late 50s now. Back in my high school years, I dated several > girls for short periods of time, never getting intimate with any of [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > a good marriage from the start. I love my wife deeply, we have great > kids and wonderful grandkids and I have absolutely no regrets. This sounds like true love. The other sounds like hormones and a crush. ("in love" vs "love" - a relationship founded on respect and common values - a like that grew into love and stood the test of time and life) The other was the fun of the chase. Sounds like she was thrilled to have someone chasing after her, as well, but later she was dating other people, so it sounds like she moved on and really had no real interest in a longterm relationship with you. Somebody once said "if you have to ask, it means you have doubts and probably shouldn't do it". The phrase "can of worms" comes to mind. I once had a can of catfood. It had a kink in it and I remembered hearing not to open cans that had dents in them, but I wouldn't listen. It took me ages to get the stench of putrified catfood (exploded everywhere) off of me and all over the kitchen. On the other hand, you're dying. We tell people to get their affairs in order and go do, see, visit with old friends. So for God's sake, if you go do it, cover your tracks, make it a one-night stand, and don't turn it into a relationship. You could leave a stench in your kids and grandkids mouth (memory of what your last months focused on, as opposed to spending time with them), not to mention a huge crisis in the family, where even your wife could walk out (refuse to be with you during your last months) or end up hospitalized.... And what if the prognosis is inaccurate... How about telling us the type of cancer and the stage (which organs are involved). Please. J J: This gives new meaning to "get your affairs in order." Mel >> I am in my late 50s now. Back in my high school years, I dated several >> girls for short periods of time, never getting intimate with any of [quoted text clipped - 40 lines] > > J But I wish I could see X just > one more time to talk with her. > > Am I crazy? Should I confess to my wife? Should I seek out X? Should I > seek out a shrink? Get medication? Or what? I've read the other replies. As I read your post, it appears you want to put closure to an old relationship. You want X to know you're dying (if she doesn't know) & that she was an important person in your life. I see nothing wrong with that. Would a letter or phone call do? If G knows about X, do you think she would object to X visiting you at your home, maybe with her nearby but not part of conversation (distances permitting & X willing)? Of course, we don't know X's feelings toward you & the encounter could be very different than what you envision (& I'm not thinking about anything sexual at all). A few months before he died, my Socks went on a farewell tour of NYC where he lived for 11 years before marrying me. Among the 4 people he stayed with was his ex-wife who has never remarried. I had no objections at all. She put together dinners with extended family (whom he'd known & loved) & with mutual friends. Now I knew that, due to bone met pain & cancer drugs, sex or even cuddling was out of the question. Even if that weren't true, I would have permitted, even encouraged his visit. Most of us had lives before joining our life partners. Sometimes or usually there is unfinished business - apologies that need to be spoken, regrets aired, hopefully forgiveness. And good times to be remembered. Since I was never a part of that life, I couldn't do any of this for him with those particular people, but his ex could. I am grateful to her. I think you should examine your heart & know your honest expectations of a visit with X. If you're imagining she'll throw herself at you, declaring you her own true love, you are probably bettter off with the memories. But if you feel there is unfinished business or final words you need to say, or similar, I'd say you're entitled. You might talk this over with clergy unless your church is such that it would condemn you to eternal damnation for even having such thoughts. Or does your insurance provide end-of-life counselling that might be a sounding board? Your relationship with G is another consideration. Would this be terribly upsetting to her? Would she not object but be silenty resentful, hurt? Would this conflict with your belief system? Would you want to do this without her knowledge/consent, or could that open another can of worms? Not knowing any of you, we cannot know all of the considerations. I do hope that, one way or another, you are able to reach peaceful resolution. hth, Fig Thanks to all! Stage 4 liver cancer. Getting very painful lately. Medication helps. My wife is a totally selfless caregiver. I have no interest whatsoever in having sex with X. I've been faithful to my wife all these years and that has brought me a peace of mind that some husbands I imagine don't have on their death beds. G has known of X all along. She even met her once at church shorty after we were married. But X has come up in conversation a lot because mutual friends and relatives want to "keep me up to date" on her (not asked for by me, but I don't cover my ears either). Sometimes I sense that my wife seems jealous of X, but she trusts me completely. Since I will only have one shot at getting this right, I want to learn as much as I can. I am horrified that my last thought before lapsing into a coma may be of X. I don't want it to be. I wish there was a pill I could take that would make me forget every second of that 2-year relationship. Then again, maybe I will surprise myself, that as my final days approach, X will be the last person on my mind. I feel so lousy about this. Maybe I should go to a priest for confession. These end of life emotions don't seem to be described anywhere with accuracy. That's why I'm here I guess. Combined wisdom may help me out. Thanks. > Stage 4 liver cancer. Getting very painful lately. Medication helps. > My wife is a totally selfless caregiver. > > I have no interest whatsoever in having sex with X. I've been faithful > to my wife all these years and that has brought me a peace of mind > that some husbands I imagine don't have on their death beds. I'm sorry I misunderstood. > G has known of X all along. She even met her once at church shorty > after we were married. But X has come up in conversation a lot because > mutual friends and relatives want to "keep me up to date" on her (not > asked for by me, but I don't cover my ears either). Sometimes I sense > that my wife seems jealous of X, Probably some. But given that X was in attendance at another gathering, perhaps your wife wouldn't mind your meeting X again to say goodbye privately, if you express it as meeting in a public place for a talk over a coffee or brunch or lunch. Or if you feel she might be upset, then use an excuse and just do it, but keep it public and less than a few hours, so alarm bells don't go up, if you're gone too long. > but she trusts me completely. > > Since I will only have one shot at getting this right, I want to learn > as much as I can. I I would suggest that you order a book from here http://www.crossingthecreek.com/crossing_the_creek.htm explains what happens during dying process and why. It's $20. US and when paying, if you leave him a note, he can make the full online version available to you, while you wait for the arrival, which only takes a few days anyway. What you'll find there and your wife will read as well, is that, when dying, people often mention names or places or scenarios that don't make sense to loved ones. Once your wife understands that, no matter what you say "on your deathbed" can be explained away by the dying process. Hence, no more reason to worry. Excerpts are here http://www.crossingthecreek.com/chapter_excerpts.htm If you feel others in the family might benefit as well, I think there's a discount for ordering 3 books. Thank you for answering my question. Stay with us, if you wish. Sorry to hear about your diagnosis and prognosis. J > Stage 4 liver cancer. Getting very painful lately. Medication helps. Besides the pain, are you seeing any other liver failure problems? How long has it been since initial diagnosis? I'm interested because my wife has been diagnosed with terminal BC metastases ('mets') to the liver. SignatureJohn Richards > Stage 4 liver cancer. Getting very painful lately. Medication helps. Have you been seen by a radiation oncologist? J One has been consulted, but my oncologist says that the tumor is wrapped around the blood feeder arteries and radiation or surgery would probably do more harm than good. Thanks again. I'll check into the book. Dman >> Stage 4 liver cancer. Getting very painful lately. Medication helps. > >Have you been seen by a radiation oncologist? >J > Am I crazy? Should I confess to my wife? Should I seek out X? Should I > seek out a shrink? Get medication? Or what? Been there. Dump X and give everything you have to the one who truly loves you. Set yourself some time aside for private meditation. Have that talk mentally with X and the others who've tugged your heartstrings in the past. Then let it go. There is only one who dedicated her life to you. and there is no surer way to break her heart in your last days than to start professing your love for others. If you can find it in a library, and keep it hidden from your wife, I suggest you read "Love and Limerence" by Dr. Dorothy Tennov. Your wife has a lot of sorrow ahead. Don't add to it. |
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