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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Cancer / January 2006Fly Fishing - Today marks 4 Months
I took advantage of our excellent spring-like weather to sort through some things in the garage. Among them was Socks' fly fishing gear - his vest, net, flies, waders, pole, hat. I was feeling a little sad finding that. Socks went to a fly fishing cancer camp, got all this gear. & we later traipsed all over finding places for him to fish. We spent a wonderful summer holiday weekend at a B&B in the mountains right on the river where he could go just a few steps to fish. He never caught a fish but had great fun trying & scouting locations. So I was wondering what I'd do with this gear. Parting with it is not an option. Halloween? My friend, who was helping with my sorting, said, "Why not use it?" I replied that I don't fly fish, to which he added, "yet." Yet? A few hours later I dipped Sock's line into a stream close to here. That pole still hasn't caught a fish, but I'm promised lots more tries. I need them. My casting technique sucks - more likely to catch a bird's nest than a fish! So I'm having a little Socks rememberance celebration on this, the 4 month anniversary of his death. I also found a bag of audio cassettes I'd taken from Socks' car. Among them is a 2-cassette recording of a National Public Radio "All Things Considered" show Socks did 6/13/95. I forget what issue he was holding forth on at the time but am about to find out. We're about to open the 'back-up' New Years Eve bottle of bubbly & pop the tapes into a player. Fortunately, I still HAVE a tape player. While I was being drippy today, I was thinking about what I'd planned to tell Socks as he was dying - about how he made such a difference to the world in his too-short life. I had lots of examples. I was saving those thoughts & never got to tell him as he died unexpectedly when I wasn't there. My girlfriend's husband played guitar & sang to her as she was passing & I wanted something like that for Socks (no singing). Oh, well, at least he found a way to escape the pain. Fig - thinking 4 months is both a very long time & a very short time me@privacy.net said... > Fig - thinking 4 months is both a very long time & a very short time You nearly had me in tears then, Fig. 4 months? But surely it was only... I mean, it can't possibly be... But I suppose it is. We're in January already, after all. But 4 months? Already? {{{{{Hugs}}}}} for you and for your friend who's there helping you.  SignatureEmily, remembering. > While I was being drippy today, I was thinking about what I'd planned to > tell Socks as he was dying - about how he made such a difference to the > world in his too-short life. I had lots of examples. I was saving those > thoughts & never got to tell him as he died unexpectedly when I wasn't > there. He knew, Fig. Just as surely as you know how he felt about you, he knew how you felt and what you were thinking about him. You told him when it counted, when he was alive. SignatureIf John McCain gets the 2008 Republican Presidential nomination, my vote for President will be a write-in for Jiang Zemin. > I took advantage of our excellent spring-like weather to sort through some > things in the garage. Among them was Socks' fly fishing gear - his vest, [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] > > Fig - thinking 4 months is both a very long time & a very short time Hello Fig, Sorting through possessions can rear a range of emotions, some good some bad, we want to keep reminders but they also bring sadness. If you don't know what to do with them, lay them to one side until inspiration strikes. I've finally got rid of the radiotherapy mask, I mean it's only taken me 2 1/4 years ;-) I like your idea of the remembrance, but keep those tissues handy when you listen to his tapes. There will always be regrets about what we did or didn't say but I am sure that our guys knew how much they meant to us. It was eating me up in the beginning that I never actually said "goodbye" or sorry that he had to stay in the hospice. In the end I bought a little book and wrote all my thoughts and words down in it, it helped. I raise my glass (okay mug of tea) in remembrance to dear Socks, he was an inspiration here and certainly left his mark. Warm Hugs Alayne p.s. You are far from drippy ;-) > I took advantage of our excellent spring-like weather to sort through > some things in the garage. Among them was Socks' fly fishing gear - [quoted text clipped - 32 lines] > > Fig - thinking 4 months is both a very long time & a very short time Crying my eyes out........... Wish I could give you a huge hug in person, but hope this will do (((((((((((((Fig))))))))))) Wish I was better at words. Your strength has really touched me so much. You are one amazing person! HUGS, Penny "Pen" <penmike2005@yahoo.ca> wrote in news:zQfwf.69883$m05.68074 @clgrps12: >> While I was being drippy today, I was thinking about what I'd planned >> to tell Socks as he was dying - about how he made such a difference [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > HUGS, > Penny Dearest Penny, Had I known anything I posted would cause you grief, I would not have posted it. You are to be enjoying all the good things. Except for your elbow, it sounds like you're doing great. I so look forward to your enjoying your trip & concert & I simply must veture over to your blog to see all of the things J keeps alluding to. Posh Penny, eh? This has been an up & down weekend. I hadn't known I would find Socks' fishing equipment among my garage messes. Or the cassettes. This wasn't such a good time to get into that. I am really leaning hard on people at times, this ng most of all. I'm sometimes shocked at how unexpected & sharp & instantaneous the pain can be. My ISP went down Friday & now I'm having trouble with Norton so I'm trying to stay off the computer until help arrives. Meanwhile, take care of yourself & have some fun! Hugs, Fig > "Pen" <penmike2005@yahoo.ca> wrote in news:zQfwf.69883$m05.68074 > @clgrps12: [quoted text clipped - 42 lines] > Hugs, > Fig Don't you ever, ever not post something! Even though it made me cry, I love reading your posts and you give me strength as I see how well you are getting through this all. I think you are amazing and it's here that you should feel free to say anything that you need to say, no matter what. I applaud you and your strength and give you another hug! :) And thank you for your honesty and sharing. Penny >> "Pen" <penmike2005@yahoo.ca> wrote in news:zQfwf.69883$m05.68074 >> @clgrps12: [quoted text clipped - 53 lines] > And thank you for your honesty and sharing. > Penny ((((((Penny))))) > Fig - thinking 4 months is both a very long time & a very short time Thank you Alayne, Emily, Penny & Clifto. This weekend is tough, but I'm OK & actually having a little fun. It was fun getting out in the nice weather & learning a bit about fly fishing. If Socks had a radiotherapy mask, he never mentioned it to me. Maybe his treatment was too low to require one. One thing I learned from Socks' death was: the doctors & nurses' opinions about signs of impending death or lack thereof are just that - opinions, informed opinions, but they may be incorrect. The patient may die without exhibiting any of these signs. Socks did. Everyone thought he had at least 3 more days due to lack of signs. Had I known that were possible, I would have stayed with him instead of going to work. Not beating myself up, but wish I'd known. Fig Death is like birth, doctors and nurses can guess when it is going to happen for example they give an estimated due date but very few people are born on their due date, but to give an exact time is impossible. If they didn't explain that to you I am sorry. Are you going to any bereavement groups or counseling that is benefit your husband left you when he elected hospice care. > Death is like birth, doctors and nurses can guess when it is going to > happen for example they give an estimated due date but very few people > are born on their due date, but to give an exact time is impossible. > If they didn't explain that to you I am sorry. Are you going to any > bereavement groups or counseling that is benefit your husband left > you when he elected hospice care. Hi, Alex, No one made any definite statements, but several told us of a number of signs of approaching death. Socks exhibited none of them. Thay told us we would start seeing the signs about 3 days before death. Maybe someone forgot to tell Socks what he was to do <g>. And I'm OK with this. Had I known more, I would have done things differently. I'm glad his Aunt Ruth was with him. I went to one session of a younger bereaved spouses group through hospice. Each of the 4 women told their stories. All their spouses had died many months to years ago & none were moving on. I found it very depressing. The moderator didn't add much. No suggestions were made about anything people could do to help them through the bad times. Or anything, just a telling of the stories. Sounded like all times were bad times for these women. No way did I want to go back there. Alayne's experience is similar to mine & I enjoy hearing her thoughtful comments. My church expects to have a multi-week workshop soon, maybe later this month. I think that will be helpful to me. I went to an all Saturday workshop on death & dying 2-3 years ago at the church. It was interactive with material presented, exercises, group work, readings, journaling, lots of different things. And it was coed which I think affects the dynamics, for the better. Fig >I took advantage of our excellent spring-like weather to sort through some >things in the garage. Among them was Socks' fly fishing gear - his vest, [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > >Fig - thinking 4 months is both a very long time & a very short time (Pardon my gentle snips.) It's four months for me too since Dad died (Sept. 4). Thank you for sharing your day and activities. I can picture you there with the pole, the water -- the fishing line a kind of connecting link between you and Socks. Taking the grief and moving it into action is a difficult, but healing, thing. It sounds like you are finding ways to prove that true love endures. There's never "enough" time to say it all. I am grateful for the time I was able to take care of my dad, and "drippy" because it was not enough. I talked to him a lot after he was "out of it" from the morphine. I guess I still talk to him. Because there are things I still need to say. Tell Socks those saved thoughts . Peace and a drippy hug, -- Daniel deltaechomike@usa.net >>Fig - thinking 4 months is both a very long time & a very short time > [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > Daniel > deltaechomike@usa.net You said it better than I could, Daniel. Thank you. Yeah, I talk to Socks sometimes too. Fig |
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