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hopeful1 - 18 Nov 2005 16:56 GMT

Even thought I have dealt with cancer for the better part of 5 years
now, it is now harder than ever to find peace. I was recently diagnosed
with terminal cancer in August and basically accepted this prognosis
with no resistence. Right before this new information was thrust upon
me I found myself leaving a career I held for 5 years and beginning a
new one, all resulting in the lack of insurance and diminished
finances. On top of that, my boyfriend whom I lived with decided it was
time to end our relationship. I felt as though my entire life just
disintegrated around me and I watched without fight. I withheld the
news of my fate from friends and family not ready to commit to enduring
this new battle. I wrestled with reasons why I wanted to stick around
for what little time I have left without all the comforts and love I
had known until recently. I figured, what was the point. I did choose
to hang in and see what a full life experience I had yet to live. I
wanted to enjoy all the people that matter the most to me including,
and most importantly, the man that is the love of my life. He
eventually was told of my condition and after a few weeks and many
tears he decided he was not ready to let us go. The past few months
have been the best of my life and I really feel that my ultimate fate
is well worth the happiness, comfort and peace I have felt during this
time. Unfortunately, this person that I want to share the rest of my
time with is finding it incredibly hard to stick around to see the end.
In the past two weeks things have gotten so stressed that I find myself
crying for majority of the day. I sit and pray that he will find it in
his heart to want to stand by me so that I can give him my only gift,
my love and my life. I have never felt as selfish as I do now and
wonder if it would be best to leave and let him live. The thought of
not spending my remaining time with this person makes me feel like my
remaining life is not worth all the pain. Does anyone know how much
heartache it is to feel like the person you love more than life itself
does not love you enough to stick around and experience something that
could be ultimately one of lifes more beautiful life situations? We are
trying out a support group on Monday but I wonder also if this is too
late. Has anyone dealt with this? I realize how selfish this may come
across, and I apologize. I am just wanting to feeling like a "hopeful1"
and not a "hopeless1".

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Alayne - 18 Nov 2005 18:30 GMT

> Even thought I have dealt with cancer for the better part of 5 years
> now, it is now harder than ever to find peace. I was recently diagnosed
[quoted text clipped - 32 lines]
> across, and I apologize. I am just wanting to feeling like a "hopeful1"
> and not a "hopeless1".

Hello, and welcome to this support ng. I am very sorry to hear of your
troubles but try as I might, I can't come up with any useful advice for you,
other than simply hang in there and tell your fella just how you feel. I
cared for my hubby when he was terminal with a GBM and it is quite a
rollercoaster, but if you truly do love someone, you will indeed go to the
ends of the earth for them, and I don't think that you are being selfish
wanting your love to be by your side.

I hope things work out for you.

Warm Hugs

Alayne

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geralvon - 19 Nov 2005 18:21 GMT

> > Even thought I have dealt with cancer for the better part of 5 years
> > now, it is now harder than ever to find peace. I was recently diagnosed
[quoted text clipped - 46 lines]
>
> Alayne

"Does anyone know how much
heartache it is to feel like the person you love more than life itself
does not love you enough"

Two thoughts: Maybe this is easy for me to say as when I was told I
only had a couple of years to live, my wife did not say anything about
leaving. But, I can also understand your S/O's finding it too
difficult to watch you go through the dying process and then when you
do go, too difficult to stand the lonely, empty feeling which follows.
It is an immaturity, but some people are like that and they cannot help
it. It does not mean he "does not love you enough". He might counter
with, "It is precisely because I love you so much!" We do not walk in
the shoes of others, so we cannot know exactly how painful he would
find it. What he has to think about is how he would feel abandoning
you and letting you go through this by yourself. He might just feel
pretty lousy about this the rest of his life and wish that he had seen
you through this. But in the end, only he can decide what he can
tolerate. On your part, you mustn't look at this as a question of how
much he loves you. You must look at your overall relationship and
decide whether it has been a genuinely loving one and if it has been,
then you must be thankful for what you had. I think that ultimately we
have to face death alone. When I was told I wouldn't have more than a
couple of years, my wife simply didn't believe it (she turned out to be
right) which made me feel alone with my fear, even though she was still
there.

My other thought was about the support group. I joined one of those
and I found those people were absolutely terrific. They were from all
different walks of life but I found all of them to be admirable people.
Thousands of people go to listen to the TV preachers, but I felt I got
more from all these people. The experience gave me a boost in my faith
in my fellow man and this meant a great deal to me. I would go into
town and sit on a bench and watch all the people walking by and think
how lucky they were because they didn't have to think about leaving
life. The people in the group understood my feelings; we were in it
together, in a place where even my wife couldn't be.

I hope this is of some help to you. I have been fortunate, but I can
never forget what it was like believing I didn't have much longer here
on this earth.

Harold

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Araik Margarian - 19 Nov 2005 21:50 GMT

> "Does anyone know how much
> heartache it is to feel like the person you love more than life itself
[quoted text clipped - 39 lines]
>
> Harold

I like your positive attitude.

Signature

Regards,
Araik Margarian.
http://journals.aol.com/aramargar1/MyAmericanDream/

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J - 18 Nov 2005 19:38 GMT

You have a right to your thoughts and feelings.
You cannot control what others do nor say.
You may find that most people don't want to be around people who are morose
(sad) and crying all the time.
May I suggest that you contact your doctor for a mild mood elevator. It may
take some trial and error of trying one or the other.
Attending a support group is a good step. However, you may find that it's
best that you have your privacy and he may need a different type of
support, so he may attend a few sessions with you, then decide to support
you by taking you there and picking you up. That's okay as well.

I think the key to loving and living is just that.
Each person wakes up every day, thinking of some little thing that will
make the other person's day better. It need not be expensive nor a lot of
trouble. It could be a supportive note under the pillow, a smiley painted
on the bathroom mirror with lipstick; planning, cooking and eating a
favorite meal by candlelight, a twosome bubble bath, a kind word expressing
appreciation, a surprise hug, a shampoo and head massage, a picture of a
snazzy car clipped from an ad in a magazine. If you start this type of
thing and he doesn't reciprocate, tell him that you expect him to.
Sometimes people need prodding.

Caring for the dying isn't for everyone. However, if you've done your part
and he still leaves, then you'll know that he wasn't worth the tears and
that you've done all that's humanly possible. That will be your cue to
find yourself a different carer or make alternative arrangements for your
future. If you follow the formula (above), you might even find a better
love to spend the rest of your days, weeks, months with.

Above all, love and live, every day. There's only one thing worse than
crying every day and that's crying every day, plus one extra hour. Start
right now. Call the doctor and book an appointment.
Hugs
J

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J. Davidson - 19 Nov 2005 00:51 GMT

Hopeful, do ask your doctor for a medication for depression. It will
surely help.
Good luck to you,

> > Even thought I have dealt with cancer for the better part of 5 years
> > now, it is now harder than ever to find peace. I was recently diagnosed
[quoted text clipped - 67 lines]
> Hugs
> J

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Araik Margarian - 19 Nov 2005 22:05 GMT

>> Even thought I have dealt with cancer for the better part of 5 years
>> now, it is now harder than ever to find peace. I was recently
[quoted text clipped - 65 lines]
> might even find a better love to spend the rest of your days, weeks,
> months with.

Cool, "J", you would better promote dating support group for single or
depressed cancer patients. I guess it would be more lively healthy than
indifferently or with pleasure "teaching" culture of dying (I am talking
about some of your previous posts).

> Above all, love and live, every day. There's only one thing worse than
> crying every day and that's crying every day, plus one extra hour.
> Start right now. Call the doctor and book an appointment.
> Hugs
> J

Signature

Regards,
Araik Margarian.
http://journals.aol.com/aramargar1/MyAmericanDream/

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Emily - 20 Nov 2005 11:30 GMT

airhagdebi@yahoo.com said...

> Does anyone know how much
> heartache it is to feel like the person you love more than life itself
> does not love you enough to stick around and experience something that
> could be ultimately one of lifes more beautiful life situations?

Sort of, yes - but not entirely since I am not facing death myself at
the moment. That said, I can't offer you any advice since I didn't cope
with my situation terribly well myself. I can offer {{{{{hugs}}}}} and
chocolate cake; I can offer you friendship from however far away you are
from Wales, UK - but I'm the last person to be able to offer advice.
Hang in there. You are strong (we all are, even though we don't always
feel it). You're among friends here.

Signature

Emily

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hopeful1 - 22 Nov 2005 21:17 GMT

Well I do appreciate everyone taking a moment to respond to my post. I
realize it does not necessarily pertain to treatments or physical
ailments but rather the emotional ailments that ultimately relate to
living with cancer. We did attend a group orientation at Gilda's Club
and felt pretty at ease with the environment. He was very grateful that
I went with him and said repeatedly that he will go back. I am hopeful
but not optimistic, there is a difference. I have heard too many times
over the past few days that he has his concerns and wonders if what he
is putting into the relationship is worth what he is getting out of it.
And that in the end, what will he have except for tremendous heartache
and pain. I can realistically offer nothing more than my life and my
heart which sadly is not enough. We live together, I am unemployed at
the moment due to my health, so if and when he ends our relationship I
will be forced to move to another state to live with a friend. I am
beside myself with fear. I guess it is at the point where I need to
stop being the selfish one and do what is needed to be done. I do not
know if I have the strength to emotionally do this, but as one
responder wrote "if one does truly love another, that person will go to
the ends of the earth for the other". My thoughts and prayers are with
all....

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J - 23 Nov 2005 00:18 GMT

> Well I do appreciate everyone taking a moment to respond to my post. I
> realize it does not necessarily pertain to treatments or physical
[quoted text clipped - 15 lines]
> responder wrote "if one does truly love another, that person will go to
> the ends of the earth for the other".

Good luck with your decisions.
Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.
Best,
J

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J - 29 Nov 2005 10:43 GMT

> Even thought I have dealt with cancer for the better part of 5 years
> now, it is now harder than ever to find peace. I was recently diagnosed
[quoted text clipped - 7 lines]
> news of my fate from friends and family not ready to commit to enduring
> this new battle.

Please join the "roll call" and let us know how you're doing.
You're not alone.
We can be here for you.
Hugs
J

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