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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Cancer / August 2005Smiling on the outside...
I need some objective insight here, please. Aunt Ruth is a fan of Joel Osteen who has written books & appears on TV. I have never seen him or read anything by him, but according to AR, his philosophy for a happy life is to never let any negativity in. She says she can never be around any negativity at all. That is why she became so upset when she first arrived & overheard my phone conversation with a friend describing how hospice kept Socks in severe pain, told him to take quantities of meds he didn't have, etc. (had happened the day before she arrived & the day before that). Same reaction to the haircut trauma. Both times she told me not to vocalize the negativity. My question is: what is healthy & what isn't? When the incident is fresh, I am upset, outraged, etc. AR says that doesn't change anything - the hospice incidents are over, the hair is gone & not coming back anytime soon - so I might as well look on the bright side (???) & immediately forget the bad. That feels false when I really want to cry, scream or otherwise vent (with the hair, there wasn't time to process emotions- we were rushing to the ball game). Is it healthy to deny emotions? I hope not because it feels really awful when I try. These things usually pass with me pretty quickly. I am never alone these days - except while driving. This is all very hard on me. I think I get over things faster if I can be honest with how I feel & the people around me validate rather than deny, as J & Alayne did (thank you). AR says she's really worried about how I'll react when Socks goes. So am I supposed to celebrate having more closet space instead of grieving his death? I know he'll be out of pain & that's a positive, but some moments are unhappy & sad. They just are. I find I can't forget & move on when I deny emotions. Can't say I've ever thought of this before. No one has told me how to feel before. Fig > I need some objective insight here, please. > [quoted text clipped - 37 lines] > > Fig Fig, none of us are made from the same mould, so therefore none of us react in the same way to the situations that we face, that is indeed what makes us a unique individual. My simple advice to you will be to go with the flow and do/say/feel exactly as your own body and mind dictate. You can't do right for doing wrong for everybody and you'll knock yourself out by trying. Rule of thumb; there's no rule book in such a situation, if you need to rant/rave occasionally, then you do just that, if you want to get upset, then you do that, if you try and deny the emotions that bubble inside of you, they'll come out in the end. I am concerned that the only space you have to yourself is when you are driving; I wonder if you ought to take some time out occasionally, time for yourself and perhaps to give you time to reflect any issues that may bother you?? Warm Hugs Alayne > Fig, none of us are made from the same mould, so therefore none of us > react in the same way to the situations that we face, that is indeed [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > > Alayne Alayne, Thank you. I should have been more careful what I asked for. Looks like I'll have more alone time than I want for 5 days. Please pray that Socks doesn't die in that nursing home. That just can't happen. Hugs, Fig > > Fig, none of us are made from the same mould, so therefore none of us > > react in the same way to the situations that we face, that is indeed [quoted text clipped - 28 lines] > Hugs, > Fig Fig, I'm not into prayers but I am breaking the habit of a lifetime right now and saying one for you guys. This time two years ago my Tony was in hospice so sadly I know something of what you are going through and so wish things were different. You'll get through this part, you've an inner strength and remember that hospice is also for respite not just end of life. Warm Hugs Alayne >I need some objective insight here, please. > [quoted text clipped - 37 lines] > > Fig Hi Fig I'm sorry if you don't like what I am about to say but.... pull rank. Socks is YOUR husband. No-one has any right to tell you how to feel or behave. No-one else feels how you do. AR is upset too, of course, but her relationship with Socks is different to yours. I agree with Alayne - you have to do what feels right and good to you otherwise you are just storing up a whole lot of unpleasant little packages to open up when AR has gone home. And sorry AR, but being blunt ... what is there to be positive about? If you need to go and punch a tree to give you some release then do so. Just because something has happened, is in the past, does not mean that you should not be cross about it. Good Lord, AR would have a blue fit in this house if someone cut off my hair, let alone what else you are dealing ith - my hairdresser would be running for the hills!!! Do you think that AR is completely focussed on Socks and not really taking you into account? Maybe she will be a source of strength for you later? Love to you both Sinead > Hi Fig > [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > >Dear Sinead, I was wondering when you were returning. It's wonderful to see you here. I don't know about AR. I know she loves Socks & I love her too, despite our differences.. She doesn't want me meddling with his care which she considers her responsibility. However, much happened today that I am sick over. I posted it elsewhere. I am worn down, out, every which way. I feel so alone except for you guys. My friends call & email, but I don't feel like talking about these troubles with them for some reason. Thank you is trite, given the level of support & love you've sent my way. But thank you anyway. Hugs & more hugs, Fig me@privacy.net said... > I don't know about AR. I know she loves Socks & I love her too, despite > our differences.. She doesn't want me meddling with his care which she > considers her responsibility. MEDDLING??? Socks is *your* husband; AR is supposed to be with you to *help* not to take over. Methinks it's time someone reminded her of this.  SignatureEmily > I need some objective insight here, please. > > Aunt Ruth is a fan of Joel Osteen who has written books & appears on TV. > I have never seen him or read anything by him, but according to AR, his > philosophy for a happy life is to never let any negativity in. She says > she can never be around any negativity at all. I do not like to but in here since I am not a cancer victim. But as some of you know, I have been following Socks progress for some time now. Aunt Ruth has her beliefs and as it is with many people who have a particular ideology there is no way around it. It s hard not to take things too personal but it is not you, it is Aunt Ruth who is evading reality. Best you can do is as we used to say, shine her on. It does not do any good to argue with some people, you just have to find a private spot and cry or what ever you feel like doing. No one can tell you what to feel, you are entitled to your feelings. > That is why she became so upset when she first arrived & overheard my > phone conversation with a friend describing how hospice kept Socks in > severe pain, told him to take quantities of meds he didn't have, etc. > (had happened the day before she arrived & the day before that). Same > reaction to the haircut trauma. Both times she told me not to vocalize > the negativity. This sort of thing is almost impossible to deal with. Unfortunately in a way she has taken over your household. Yes you have a responsibility to Socks, but you also have a responsibility to yourself. It is not easy and it does not get any easier. You are losing a a fine loving husband. Someone who has gained the respect of many people, many who have never met him, but who know of his work to make this a better world. It is through not fault of your or his that he is being taken from you. You have every right to be angry. No matter what the circumstances you still have to take care of yourself and that includes allowing yourself to experience you emotions. Supressing ones emotions only leads to internalized anger and does one no good what so ever. > My question is: what is healthy & what isn't? When the incident is > fresh, I am upset, outraged, etc. AR says that doesn't change anything - > the hospice incidents are over, the hair is gone & not coming back > anytime soon - so I might as well look on the bright side (???) & > immediately forget the bad. Well, maybe it does, and maybe it does not, but suppressing your feelings only turns those feelings to anger. then you wonder why you feel angry all the time. Notice people about you wo do seem to be constantly angry. Chances are they are unable to express their feelings, even to themselves. These will not go away tomorrow. They will not go away for a long time if ever, but you do not need to live with pent up suppressed feelings the rest of your life. If you do not see a bright side at present then do not fret about it. Eventually you will come to accept some things and reject others, it is al part of a natural process. > That feels false when I really want to cry, scream or otherwise vent > (with the hair, there wasn't time to process emotions- we were rushing to > the ball game). Is it healthy to deny emotions? I hope not because > it feels really awful when I try. It is quite unhealthy to deny emotions. Emotions are a psycho physical response to values. We as humans have them. They are a natural part of or existence. You can not deny them, you can only suppress them, which as I said before, leads to anger. going further and suppressing anger leads to depression. Feel what you feel. It is your right to do so. > These things usually pass with me pretty quickly. > > I am never alone these days - except while driving. This is all very > hard on me. I think I get over things faster if I can be honest with how > I feel & the people around me validate rather than deny, as J & Alayne > did (thank you). Of course it is hard on you. If it wasn't you would be abnormal. People without feelings are called psychopaths. I do not know if you get over it any faster but at least you know what you are feeling. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Emotional pain is as severe as any pain we experience. It is real and it is not something I would wish on anyone, except for maybe a few really evil people. > AR says she's really worried about how I'll react when Socks goes. So am > I supposed to celebrate having more closet space instead of grieving his > death? I know he'll be out of pain & that's a positive, but some moments > are unhappy & sad. They just are. Well that is AR's problem. I am sure you will react rationally. You will certainly experience feelings that will be as intense as any you have ever had. The only advice I can give, is just do not let your feelings control your actions. No matter how painful the feelings, it will be necessary to keep the world about you in focus. I know that is a hard thing to do. If you think you feelings are getting the better of you, just find a place to sit down and go through them. If someone tries to interfere, just ignore them. Do not worry about what they are feeling because you ignored them. You are not responsible for others feelings. People who try to make you think you are responsible for their feeling are just trying to lay a guilt trip on you. You do not need to get caught up in that. > I find I can't forget & move on when I deny emotions. Can't say I've > ever thought of this before. No one has told me how to feel before. > > Fig And no one has the right to tell you how to feel now. AR probably means well but she is the one who is not allowing her feelings to be experienced. Hope I did not interfere here too much. I know the guys in SF will be sad to hear how Socks is doing. Lois Snedden asked about him a couple of days ago. I had some email from people in the Rocky Mountain Chapter who feel that not having him around is a great loss. Signature****************************************** * This is the Spammish Inquisition * * Not Lumber Cartel Unit 75 [TINLC] * * http://bobcathoh.50megs.com/tinLC/ * * david l kayp at earthlink dot net * ****************************************** > Hope I did not interfere here too much. No, never. I value your insights. > I know the guys in SF will be sad to hear how Socks is doing. > Lois Snedden asked about him a couple of days ago. > I had some email from people in the Rocky Mountain Chapter who feel > that not having him around is a great loss. Our little South Platte Group is suffering too. A bully took my former excom position & is ridiculing everyone there, SC structure in general (which she never took the time to learn) - even called Chapter staff & tried to order them around. I attended 8/17 meeting & was shocked at what was transpiring. I made a few quick calls & got people talking to each other. Ultimately, chapter director intervened, but not before our group chair resigned last week. Susan, the director, will facilitate a reorg next month. It is very important to Socks that this group, his most precious baby, survive & prosper. It will. By golly, it will. Did you hear of the 160 Pentium III computers that Socks' marketing efforts brought in a couple of weeks ago? Donor must remain anon, but we have potential to receive many more donations from them including office furniture & equipment, in addition to more computers. Computers will be refurbished by Jared Polis foundation & given to non-profits as usual. SC already has a couple, including a laptop with docking station, funnelled thru a local environmental C3. SC's piece of this is not so much to receive computers but to keep them out of landfills while putting them in the hands of worthy organizations. Socks was very excited about this development & instrumental in structuring the receipt of machines. He is an inspiration to many of us. His shoes are too big for me, but together, we will fill them. So much talent, knowledge & energy was vested in him that it will take a village to do all he does. He is leaving a legacy here. When I attend chapter meetings & see all the activity there, it's hard to imagine that RMC had only 4 groups when Socks arrived & began building. Two chapter excom members rotated being chair & secy/treas! He built a viable, truly state-wide organization. I am proud to be his wife. Fig me@privacy.net said... > No one has told me how to feel before. No reason why they should, is there? Look here Fig, Aunt Ruth is Aunt Ruth and you are you. She feels the ways she does because that's how she is; you feel the way you do because of how you are. You and AR are different people who will think, feel, act and react in different ways. NO ONE can tell you how to feel, because they're not you. We can all tell you how /we/ feel, and we can all relate our own experiences - and I bet they'll all be as different from each other as we are. Whatever you're thinking and feeling at any one moment is the right thing for you to be thinking and feeling - end of story. If you want to be negative then be negative. If despite wanting to be positive you still find yourself feeling negative then so be it. On the other hand, should you happen to find yourself swinging from chandeliers... *shrug* You carry on being you. It's the only thing you can do. {{{{{hugs}}}}} SignatureEmily > me@privacy.net said... >> No one has told me how to feel before. [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > > {{{{{hugs}}}}} Peter My friend you really are trying hard arent you, but it just wont work. Everyone can see your Emily sockpuppet is really Peter Turtill > > me@privacy.net said... > >> No one has told me how to feel before. [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > Peter My friend you really are trying hard arent you, but it just wont work. > Everyone can see your Emily sockpuppet is really Peter Turtill I usually stay out of threads such as this, but you have posted twice today about Emily. Please stand corrected Emily is Emily and no other persona. Pete Turtill no longer posts and I find it intrusive that you question Emily. She is a very caring and supportive person on this ng who does no end of good, so please refrain this line of thinking. Alayne totallyfake@emailaddress.com said... > > Peter My friend you really are trying hard arent you, but it just wont > work. > > Everyone can see your Emily sockpuppet is really Peter Turtill Immoderate laughter here. If the OP wishes to check the headers it will find that I'm not actually in disguise as much as it thinks I am. > I usually stay out of threads such as this, but you have posted twice today > about Emily. Damn, has it really? I'll have to remove it from my killfile if I'm joining the party :-) > Please stand corrected Emily is Emily and no other persona. /me looks down at self Yep, I appear to be still me... > Pete Turtill no longer posts and I find it intrusive that you question > Emily. She is a very caring and supportive person on this ng who does no > end of good, so please refrain this line of thinking. <Blush> And yes, it's true that Pete is no longer posting. He has asked me in an email if I'd mind updating him on Socks' condition as and when appropriate, and with Fig's permission I'll do that. Pete is hoping that Judy stays reasonably well in order that he doesn't need help here again - which I think is rather sad. I also think it's very sad that arguments from other newsgroups have been brought over to this unrelated one by people (or possibly one person) who really ought to know better. I wonder if the nonsense will stop once the children go back to school... SignatureEmily |
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