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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Cancer / May 2005Attitudes of others when caring for someone with Cancer
Dear Group, I am currently helping to care for my 65 1/2 year old father who has secondary gall bladder cancer. He is undergoing chemotherapy and he is also legally blind (5 degrees peripheral vision) due to Retinitis Pigmentosa. On a side note, because of the turbulent year when my father almost died at the end of April 2004 after a Whipple's Procedure when a deformed gall bladder stuck down to the liver was discovered during a stomach ulcer operation, my mother suffered a nervous breakdown in October 2004 when everything caught up with her on top of many other things that were taking place (workplace bullying etc). I cannot understand the attitude of other people in my life who constantly tell me to turn my back on my parents and abandon them because it will drag me down, even though I make a conscious decision to find new strength in order to face each day and assist my father who is undergoing chemotherapy and who is legally blind, and to assist my mother during her recovery that is thankfully on track right now. As their son, I have chosen to live at home and assist them wherever I can, particularly physical work, emotional support and other duties. At the same time, I have chosen to head back to university next term to complete the last 2 subjects of my degree which is proof that I am getting on with my life at the same time. One of my father's last wishes is to see me graduate at the end of this year and hopefully he will live to see this. Never in a million years could I tell another friend of mine to leave their parents or their loved one if they were in a position to be able to assist them pretty well full-time. I have noticed about a 50/50 split between people who admire me for the courage I show taking care of my parents, one of whom has cancer. The other half urge me to walk out on them both. It is the latter half who cause those caring for others to become mentally weak more than anything else in my opinion. Out of interest, has anyone else out there come across others in their life who get delight from telling you to turn your back on your loved one(s), especially those who have cancer who you help care for? I would be interested to hear about from any others who have similar experiences or have heard about others in similar situations. I wish each and every one of the people in this newsgroup the best of luck during your journey through cancer. Never give up hope. > Dear Group, > [quoted text clipped - 41 lines] > I wish each and every one of the people in this newsgroup the best of luck > during your journey through cancer. Never give up hope. I am afraid that you are extremely guilty of love and respect. Others who mock you, are very jealous, and have no idea of the love you show to your parents. Things are extremely tough on your Mother, and your support will mean more than all of the medicine in the world. Your support of your Father is extremely wonderful, and makes others who have cancer and tend to suffer it alone, quite envious. My prayers go to you, and Keep up the excellent love and respect. Others have no concept of what it is all about. > Dear Group, > [quoted text clipped - 41 lines] > I wish each and every one of the people in this newsgroup the best of luck > during your journey through cancer. Never give up hope. Sometimes people can act really bizarrely when the word cancer is mentioned, it's either their fear or their ignorance. You however, are so doing the right thing by being there to support your parents. I lost a couple of what I considered close friends when my husband was diagnosed by their absence and their comment "I can't deal with it". And when things really got to me (husband in hospice and showing signs of psychosis) my brother in law did tell me that he thought I should get away from it all. I can't repeat here what my response was ;-) Caring for those that we truly love and supporting them is truly hard on us and we sometimes have to pull on our inner strength but it is something that we do willingly as a sign of our love. Ignore these other folks, you're doing the right thing and I wish you and your family well. Warm Hugs Alayne Alayne, Back atcha. People flee from cancer and it leaves the patient and and family feeling so alone. My own girlfriend went from telling me she loved me one afternoon, to vanishing that evening when she heard the word Cancer. Others in personal and business life distanced themselves too. But at the other end of the experience I ultimately found myself in a world with fewer people in it--but exclusively people I can count on, true friends. And that's a much much better world to be in. Regards, Richard Hi there-- >From experience, I say screw the people who would question your devotion. It sounds like the people who are asking you to turn your back on the love you have for your family are deeply unaware of the person you are. Their judgment says a great deal about them, and very little about you. When it comes to that kind of family love and devotion, some people "get it," some people don't, and in general it reflects on the love they got and get from their own family and friends. This is one of the strange benefits of cancer or illness, if you must find a benefit in it--it's a valuable eye-opener! Like yours, my own experience with cancer (mine) was that other disasters clustered around it--a true test for all involved. My dad had a major heart attack, my grandmother went into a fatal decline, and I had my diagnosis and surgery, all in the same couple of weeks. If we hadn't been there for each other... Yow. Wish I'd had some more like you on my team at the time--some of my "friends" disappeared when the going got tough. Sounds like you're passing your test with flying colors! Even when the cancer is not yours, but belongs to someone close, it can really clarify your priorities, and particularly it can clarify who's a friend and who's not. There's hope for the world as long as there are people like you, who can be true friends. > I am currently helping to care for my 65 1/2 year old father who has > secondary gall bladder cancer. He is undergoing chemotherapy and he is also [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > life at the same time. One of my father's last wishes is to see me graduate > at the end of this year and hopefully he will live to see this. I don't know if that will happen. What's the primary? As far as I know, most bile duct cancers, gallbladder cancer and (most) pancreatic cancers carry the same approximate prognosis. You sound rather young. Courage is one thing; preparedness is another. I posted links (separately) specifically for you. Take note of them, bookmark them so I don't have to repeat them again. I admire your gumption, but caregiving someone who's in treatment (or dying) is a fulltime job. Since he's blind, I assume he can't just drive himself to various treatments and tests, someone else has to take him, right? I don't know how you'll manage going back to University with the work load that requires and be home for your parents at the same time. One or the other will suffer; depending on your mother's "nursing" skills and general health. So I encourage you to draw on every available "hand" to help out there; have a list ready as to who you can call for each task; who to call if something unexpected happens; I would think that time management, communications (cellphone) and keen organizational skills will be required. Good luck. Keep in touch and let us know how it's going. J |
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