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HeHe - 04 Apr 2005 06:24 GMT

Hi everyone.

Just wanted to post and keep up with this board as cancer has touched
every appendage of my family. My mother's side, my father's side, my
ex-father-in-law, and my current father-in-law. A few of my family
member's have passed from cancer and my ex-father-in-law also passed
due to this disease.

We are in the final stages of bladder cancer with my current
father-in-law. My SO and her mother are wanting to know the final
stages (last days) of the disease and what to expect. I have explained
to them it is different for everyone, however, I believe they are
needing something more concrete. I am sure this need comes from the
difficulty in dealing with the unexpected.

If anyone has dealt with bladder cancer with a loved one who has
passed, could you please respond? Any answers are greatly appreciated.

Thank you!
Heather

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Socks the Whitehouse Cat - 04 Apr 2005 07:42 GMT

> If anyone has dealt with bladder cancer with a loved one who has
> passed, could you please respond? Any answers are greatly
> appreciated.

Not that one specifically. However, I have seen from direct personal
experience that the stress on the non-ill loved one is sometimes far
worse than the stress on the person who actually develops the cancer.
The person with the cancer is doing concrete things to fight it, while
the care giver can only support, and can't do as much as they would like
to do in order to defeat or slow done the cancer. I've had NSCLC (lung)
diagnosed since May 2001 and been told at various times early in the
process that I have anywhere from 6 months to 2 years to live. Next
month will be 4 years.

1) They need to be spelled by others. My Church has a "Caring
Committee" that helps anyone with a major illness. They just helped fill
in some gaps for a woman with a difficult pregnancy. She gave birth two
days ago.

2) Foundations will do the same thing. Get connected to the Diana Price
Fish Foundation at dpfcf.org. I don't know what their restrictions are.
They may be limited to lung cancer and/or Colorado. They might be able
to point to a north carolina equivalent.

3) Support groups - you found us. Stay here and lean on us. The only
cost is that somewhere way down the road someone may need to lean on yoi

4) Psyche help - no stigma attaches anymore, given the circumstances. Go
through a minister or go thru a psychologist, whichever works best for
them.I didnt hear where you live. I have good friends in North Carolina
but none are doctors or ministers, so I don't know what to tell you.

5) always get a second opinion. I'll let others express their opinions
of who is best in your vicinity, but I have to think that research
valley is good. Check the NIH web site for suggestions as well.

Hang in. They, and you, are not alone.

Signature

"...Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in one pretty and well preserved piece, but to slide across the
finish line broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, and
shouting GERONIMO!!!" -- Bill McKenna, date unknown

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J - 04 Apr 2005 08:08 GMT

> We are in the final stages of bladder cancer with my current
> father-in-law. My SO and her mother are wanting to know the final
[quoted text clipped - 5 lines]
> If anyone has dealt with bladder cancer with a loved one who has
> passed, could you please respond? Any answers are greatly appreciated.

Hello Heather, I'm sorry to hear about your father-in-law.
Part of the answer may depend on what treatments he's had recently (and/or
most recent bloodwork), part on his other health history, part depending on
where it has spread to (scans). Mike R might have some comments if you
have the details.
Was the bladder removed?
Otherwse, I would ask a hospice nurse to review his current status and the
above details - might have more precise information for you/them. I would
think a good idea to hire an experienced one, they do hand-holding and
update status as time passes and signs and other indications occur. They
can be there maybe weekly at the begiinning, then keep in touch by phone
and increase the visits, as required. (is my understanding)

And/or seems to me, the patient stops eating and drinking, circulation
slows, then stops and go into organ failure (heart and/or kidney), .
http://www.crossingthecreek.com/guts.htm (I think) pretty well describes
the latter, but may vary depending on the above missing details.

Stay with us too. As events occur Mike or others may have input.
J

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Mike Radcliffe - 04 Apr 2005 11:59 GMT

>> We are in the final stages of bladder cancer with my current
>> father-in-law. My SO and her mother are wanting to know the final
[quoted text clipped - 27 lines]
> Stay with us too. As events occur Mike or others may have input.
> J

As with all cancers the thing to expect towards the end is increasing
weakness, tiredness, drowsiness, loss of mobility, spending more and more
time in bed, sleeping more and more, drifting into a deep sleep, coma and
then slipping peacefully away.
This is what all cancer sufferers should expect in the final stages if
symptoms are properly managed by an experienced palliative care (hospice)
team.
Of course there are exceptions and varying degrees of symptoms along the
way but these are exactly that---exceptions.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, when my time comes I would
choose cancer over most other things as a way out of this world.
MIKE

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HeHe - 06 Apr 2005 06:50 GMT

I just wanted to thank everyone for their support and address some
questions asked...

Socks:
I am so glad that you have had this chance to live and give support to
others. I appreciate you writing and responding to my questions.

My father-in-law has been "born again" and baptisted (saved) and many
of the people from the church have visited and helped out and I am sure
prayed. We are quite thankful for their actions and love and support.

I will check out the website you mentioned. I am terribly worried for
my mother-in-law and her mental status as well as my sis and
bro-in-law. Thank you for posting this material.

I am very thankful to have found this group. I love support groups
because it is nice to have someone to go to to lift you up... and
sometimes you feel isolated when you have moved, as I have, in the past
few years and I have no family or friends close by... so I turn to the
internet.

We are in Mocksville, NC... west of Winston-Salem. I am currently in
psychotherapy for other reasons.. and I will not hesitate to reccommend
it to others... however, unfortunately, there is still quite a bit of
stigma regarding psychotherapy in this area... or perhaps that is just
in my family. ;o) Thanks again, Socks!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi J!

Thanks for asking questions... sometimes I'm thinking I'm giving enough
information and I'm not. So, sometimes I have to be baited with the
right questions. :o)

The bladder was not removed... the cancer was Stage IV at the time of
discovery. Then, he had two rounds of chemo (I think) and radiation.
He has lost alot of weight and has fluid buildup... thankfully not in
the lungs. He has nefrostomy tubes and his output in one kidney is
very little. It seems the cancer has spread so much that you can feel
a large, solid mass in his abdomen and back area.

We have hospice and have had them for awhile. They have been wonderful
the few times I have been lucky enough to be there when they are there
as well. I would recommend hospice to anyone in need and questioning
the need for hospice.

Again, I thank you for your help!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mike:

Thank you for your reply. I will forward all the information you and
everyone else has sent me to the family.

Thank you so much!
Heather

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