I am not as knowledgeable as some of the regulars but you might contact the
American cancer society or perhaps, if you are in a metro area, check out
the cancer center at a hospital where they often have professional
counselors.

Others in this group will give more ideas.

LB

Dena - go to Hospice ... there are FREE berevement groups ... hang out with
other people learning to put lIFE into the pain ... and LIVE ...

Al-ANON meetings are also real good ...

but at the end of the day Dena ... what worked for me to help stop the pain
and the tears ... of the people I have loved and have gone to the otherside
ahead of me ...

make up that love, light and life they model for you ... and that you miss
that de-light so much ...

well make it up inside for you - from you - to you ...

and ...

I had to put them into my heart ... where they still are there today ...

for the pain to stop ...

put love into the pain ... and more love ...

love has no pain ...

love has no hurt ...

sumbuddie knows whats going on

Hello Dena,

I am so sorry to learn the loss of your dad.  I lost my husband to a brain
tumour 18 months ago.  Dealing with loss is very different for each person,
there's no right or wrong way to cope.  You simply have to go with the flow
of your feelings and deal with the differing emotions as they arise.

In the beginning I found a good way to cope myself, was to remember that
Tony was no longer suffering and that he was at peace from his battle.

As time passes I found that my memories of him evoked more smiles than
tears.  It takes time and some days it is quite releasing to let the tears
fall.

But know that you dad would not want you to be sad forever, that you have
your memories of him, and these will last a lifetime.

Warm Hugs

Alayne

Dena

I lost my Dad to cancer in Sept 2003. All I can offer you is how I have
worked through it.

Firstly - stop trying to "deal with it". You can't. It is too much to take
in. This is why people can't bring themselves to believe that their loved
one has gone. It is your mind's way of coping with only so much at a time,
it cannot handle it all at once.

Let yourself cry - it will do you no good holding it in, and it will come
out eventually maybe the worse for being supressed.

Be kind to your memories, they will comfort you at the darkest times.

Talk about him when you want to. I have a really good friend who made her
ears available to me at anytime. I used them. Sometimes I decided not to
tell how I was feeling to my nearest and dearest as I didn't want to spread
my misery ( they may have been having a "good" day, and I had no wish to
bring them down) but I learnt that my feelings were important and that those
that cared for me didn't mind hearing the same thing over and over.

Be prepared for having a good day and "forgetting" your loss. The first time
it happened I was shocked. I could not understand how I had been laughing
and enjoying myself when my dad was dead. I felt so guilty. I came to learn
that this is how you move on, very,very slowly but it is the start.

Remember how much pain your Dad was in and be thankful that that side is
over.

I also think that you should look into ways of filling the time that you
would have spent caring for him, something you have been meaning to do but
couldn't.
Maybe the garden needs looking at, an evening class, a exercise class, or
just some really good books that you want to read. Try to keep moving, but
on days that you just want to sit and weep - do exactly that.

If you think you need anti depressants, go see the doc. Get some. They do
not remove the pain, they just make it easier to carry it.

And mostly remember that your dad loved you. He would want you not only to
live your life, but to enjoy it too.
This has been the hardest thing to do so far.

I realise that you may look at this and think it all rubbish, it may not
work for you. The only thing I can say is that you will make it.

With love and sincere condolences
Sinead

Sorry to hear about your father.  Much has already been posted about what
one can do when they are faced with the lost of a loved one but I will try
to  explained how I have dealt with loss.  In Oct 1997 I lost one of my 4
brothers to a sudden illness.  At the time I was caring for my mother who
passed away three months later as I held her in my arms here at my house.
Coping with these losses was indeed difficult but I found that talking to
family and close friends helped a great deal.  Also I saw a professional so
I could express myself in ways that was not possible with close friends and
relatives.  Having majored in psychology in college and having worked in the
mental health field I felt alright with seeking help with my grief from a
psychiatrist.  My girlfriend was a pillar of strength for me during these
times also.  My greatest test came in 2003 when in the course of  9 months I
lost 7 members of my family.  My precious girlfriend, Jewell, died of lung
cancer on April 12, 2003 and after her death in the next 8 months I lost a
niece in a car accident (only 32 with 3 children), two cousins, both women
and only in their 40's of strokes, a brother-in-law who was 59, my oldest
brother two days after Thanksgiving who I had also help care for from
diabetes and prostate cancer and in January 2004 my aunt who had been so
close to my mother and myself and who owned the property directly behind
mine.  It seemed that every time I had reached some measure of relief from
one lost there came another.  To this day my girlfriend's death still
effects me daily and I find that there are days that the lost of all of
those that have passed that I loved come upon me all at once.  Crying helps
so I have no problem doing so when those times happen.  One thing is certain
and that is time does give one a certain amount of relief from the deep pain
that one has immediately following the death of a loved one.  Posting on
grief newsgroups do help some and trying to stay busy with work or family
helps also.  Everyone is different and I hope that you may find some measure
of contentment as you come to deal with your lost.  One of the most
important realizations I had that has been most helpful is that there are
others that have been through these times and truly care about you and the
way you feel.  Avail yourself of them and never feel embarrassed of your
feelings.  We all have them.

(Jack)ie