In the unlikely event that someone in the NG does not know what a positive
contribution might be, I offer "The Twelve Commandments of Flaming." If
your posts contain any of these twelve behaviors, they are *not* making a
positive contribution to the newsgroup.

The Twelve Commandments of Flaming

1 Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies
sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly."
"Clearly, Brian Hillis is a racist, and a dirtball to boot."

2 Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of
Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified
to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Peach Pshawski, by using the word
'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of ... "

3 Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next
literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From OPINION to EZ-READER to
PETS to CHIT-CHAT, they're all holding their breaths until your next flame.
Therefore, post everywhere.

4 Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't possibly
be that you're a ******. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and
you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it.

5 Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Commandment #4 (sort of like the
Yin & Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in
good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, Didley has
libelled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Didley."

6 Force them to document their claims: Even if Ralph Gagliano states
outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand
documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Ralph's pasta
preferences, then Ralph's obviously lying.

7 Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of
flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per
article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum," "vini, vidi, vici,"
"fetuccini alfredo,"...

8 Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince
them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a
member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you
received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs,
GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic.'"

9 Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your inalienable right to post
whatever the hell you want to the net. Anyone who tries to limit your
cross-posting or move a flame war to alt.fan.karl-malden.nose is either a
communist, a fascist, or both.

10 Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have
you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them
by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, they do not exist! This is the beauty of
flamers' logic.

11 Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.

12 When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this
one. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer, you will
undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This
person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look
generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: insult
the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with ... "

© 1997-2004 A.L.J.Heenan
http://www.advicemeant.com/flame/12comand.shtml